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"Two Jedi Walked Into A Bar . . ." (A JA Quickie)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Lwyn'nya Kenobi, Sep 12, 1999.

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  1. Lwyn'nya Kenobi

    Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 27, 1999
    Obi-Wan Kenobi deliberately slowed his pace as he looked upon the door to the room he shared with his Master with dread. Inwardly, he groaned. He'd rather face off again anything anyone could name, a band of rabid Tuskan Raiders, an angry Hutt who just had his tail cut off, even one of Yoda's English classes, than to be company of the raging monster behind those doors.

    Sighing, the young Jedi forced himself to be truthful as the despair and the hurt that was held over him began to blanket him once more. He didn't bear any ill-will to Master Qui-Gon. After being his apprentice for nearly three years now, he grew to love and care for the great Jedi Master as a close friend. He was the father he no longer remembered. As a teacher and Master, he worshipped him. As a trusted friend, he revered him. And as a father, he loved him. Qui-Gon Jinn was his world.

    But lately his world has started to shatter. His beloved Master's mood had turned invariably dark and sour. They had just returned from a hectic mission in the southern lands of Ghestii. Not a trying mission by any means, but something had changed in the Jedi Master during the trip. It was as if the man was encasing himself in permasteel, sealing himself off from the world and his Padawan. Conversations were rare, and when they did happen, they were short and trite. His Master was also given to losing his temper faster than before, the calm which he had perfected had cracked. Not that Qui-Gon had been mean or cruel to him. But it was as if the Jedi Master had become a reflector shield, rebounding the warmth and closeness that Obi-Wan was sending.

    In his mind, through their link, Obi-Wan could sense his Master's presence, and nothing else. The tiny light in the back of the young man's mind was ever present, but it was a cold light. The warmth was gone, leaving the young Jedi with a chilling void within him. Obi-Wan wondered what could have possibly happened without his knowledge to make Qui-Gon so cold and unresponsive. He had been persistenty by his Master's side the whole trip to Ghestii.

    Now matters were worse. Qui-Gon's coldness and increaded soliditude both deeply hurt and angered the boy, a highly volatile combination that left his own temperment short and frayed. Bruck Chun, his old Temple rival, seemed to pick up on the boy's inner quagmire and chose that time to annoyingly pick on the young Jedi's nerves, taunting him into a fight, a fight that left both of them in Master Mace Windu's office and at the mercy of his strict, stern, and rather loud lectures on control and impulsiveness. Both boys had blanched under the towering power of the dark-skinned Jedi Master, but Obi-Wan knew the worse was yet to come. No doubt Master Windu had already reported Obi-Wan's angry, insolent behaviour to Master Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan could handle facing Master Windu. He could withstand a lecture and a disapproving look from Master Yoda.

    But he feared Qui-Gon.

    Walking down the short walkway to their room was like marching to his execution before a firing squad. Despairingly, Obi-Wan tried in vain to rigidly grasp his emotions in order. He wasn't sure how much of a reprimand he could take from Master Qui-Gon before his control and his resolve shattered.

    A shaky hand reached out for the control panel for the door as Obi-Wan took his final breath.

    ((more later!))
  2. Scully-Wan Kenobi

    Scully-Wan Kenobi Jedi Youngling

    Aug 20, 1999
    Darn it all, Lwyn'nya!!! You even put horrible, suspensful cliffhangers in quickie stories!? AARRGH!!
  3. Organa Solo SW

    Organa Solo SW Jedi Youngling star 2

    Aug 23, 1999
    All right, now I'm hooked. I hate quickies!
  4. Lwyn'nya Kenobi

    Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 27, 1999
    For a long moment, Obi-Wan stood there, locked in a cold vortex, his ice-blue eyes fixated on the long, powerful form of his Master facing the window, his back to him. Time itself seemed to stop as Obi-Wan felt the air thicken till it was almost unbreathable. The door made a sound when it opened, and through their link, shielded of late as it was, he knew Qui-Gon was aware of his presence, but still chose not to acknowledge him.

    A long moment passed before Qui-Gon spoke, his voice guarded and soft. "A Jedi, even one in training, has the grace not to just stand there in the doorway."

    Still his Master kept his back to him, sending a tremor of fear through him. Oh this is going to be bad . . .

    Slowly, he stepped into the room, the door closing behind him. "Master-" he began, stiving to keep his voice steady.

    But Qui-Gon cut him off, his voice low, but an edge to it. "Of course a Jedi also knows how to control his damned temper," with this he turned, his face expressionless, but his eyes glittering coldy, "Or should, considering how long has been spent training him to do so!"

    Gripping tenaciously to his fleeting composure, he willed himself not to fidget and willed himself to keep standing. However, despite his strength, he found he couldn't look his Master in the eye without shaking. His eyes casted down and soon found solace examining the threading of the floor mat, his head bowed.

    But while Obi-Wan maintained a semblence of calm, his Master lost his completely. With an exasperated sigh, Qui-Gon began pacing, frustration evident in his powerful movements. "By the Force, how many times have we been through this, Padawan??" The young Jedi winced at the sharp inflection in his Master's voice when he mentioned the word. "Do you realize they could revoke your chances of becoming a Knight with this foolish behavoir?? Or does your future mean so little to you that you would willingly, gladly, risk it to fulfill some semblence of victory or vengeance??"

    Still keeping his head lowered, Obi-Wan took to one knee, which was customary for a Jedi Apprentice when he was being scolded. His inner voice wanted to beg and plead for forgiveness. He could withstand anything else but this empty feeling hollowing within him. But all he could manage was a weak-sounding, "I-I'm sorry, Master. I . . have no excuse for my actions."

    Qui-Gon made a noise of disgust before continuing his tyrade. "No, of course you wouldn't, althought half the time I wish you would just so that I would have something to blame besides you! What is going on in that mind of yours??" His voice was rising in intensity, "This whole thing could have been avoided had you just come to me and told me what was troubling you. But no, instead you chose to take it upon yourself to-"

    A haze of anger and hurt seized him, awesomly powerful in its intensity, washing his vision in red and blocking his Master's voice to his ears. Without thinking, he let loose.

    "Would it have truly mattered that much??" Obi-Wan yelled, drowning and silencing Qui-Gon in his lost rage. He stood and his eyes held Qui-Gon's fiercely. "I hardly doubt it would have, Master! You've hardly noticed anything I've done since our journey to Ghestii! Nothing I've said, nothing I've done, has mattered to you lately. I haven't mattered to you! And now I'm supposed to have come to you with what was troubling me, when you haven't given any sign that you would have given a damn?!?"

    Obi-Wan froze, paralyzed, as the last words passionately left him lips. Oh Force! I did not just do that! Tell me I did not just tell my Master off like that!! He was grateful for the paralization kept him on his feet, else he would have fainted from horror. The young Jedi's breath caught in his throar and his eyes widened, but couldn't take his gaze from Qui-Gon's eyes.

    Those smoky-blue eyes glittered dangerously as the Jedi Master's face darkned. For a long moment, Obi-Wan feared the worst. Qui-Gon was not acting like his old Master. His calm and composure was lost. Would he really strike out at him?

    But after a tense moment, th
  5. Lwyn'nya Kenobi

    Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 27, 1999
    "Master, I must admit I'm not very clear on your motives of coming here of all places."

    Obi-Wan glanced about the bar suspiciously. Coruscant was home to many races and different cultures, where places like this were a racial melting pot. However, despite the large capacity for potential danger (as was given with xenophobia the only shared trait between these different cultures) the crowd at the bar was a friendly group. Conversations were light-hearted and optimistic. The young Jedi spotted a Correlian in the corner, captivating a small audience with a wild tale about an intense spaceship dogfight he had encountered with a fanatical group of Theilians.

    Qui-Gon dropped the hood of his cloak and inspected the area with a cursory glance, not paying the amount of attention his Padawan was. His comfort levels grew as his student's had practically vanished. The Jedi Master shook his head. Even here, he is looking for a potential threat. Ever the Jedi you are, Obi-Wan. I only hope that I haven't trained you so hard to become a Jedi that you have forgotten how to be the young man within.

    "As I have told you in our room, we are here to learn tolerance."

    The young Jedi nearly reeled from the confusion. Jedi lessons in a cantena?? What kind of twisted logic brought this about? Obi-Wan knew his Master was unorthodox, which was why he respected him so, but this was ludicrous!

    Guilt washed over him as he remembered the scene in their room. "Master, again, I'm so terribly sorry for my behavior back-" he started to apologize for the fifth time since they left the room.

    Qui-Gon brushed it off with a small, elegant hand gesture. "It is not an issue, Padawan," he cut him off, his voice edgy with annoyance. "Find us a table, I shall join you shortly."

    Obi-Wan nodded and set off in his task, grateful to be given a chance to step away from his Master for a moment, to step away from the emotional quagmire that seized him recently when he was around Qui-Gon. While his Master had said that his little outburst in their room was no longer an issue, Obi-Wan still believed it was. He only hoped that he could quickly grasp Qui-Gon's lesson to put himself back in his Master's good graces, to then begin to work to rebuild the bond between them.

    Finding a table a good distance away from everyone, the young Jedi found himself surprised that no one reacted to his Jedi attire. He had wondered why his Master had not ordered them to change into something a little less inconspicuous before going out on the town, but he realized that people here didn't care either way what he was. The social gamut of the room ran from elite politicians in the Senate to slave girls, yet everyone treated the other as if they all resided on the same plane. Obi-Wan watched in wonder. Everywhere else in the galaxy, people were treated as their social creed dictated, for better or worse. Slaves were slaves, Politicians were politicians. This little pub seemed to exist beyond that. Here, society's roles were liften. There were no slaves or politicians, there were just people.

    The young Jedi smiled in awe. Perhaps the world could learn a lesson from this little bar in Coruscant.

    Qui-Gon joined him a moment later, two large bottles of a tan-colored liquid in one hand, two glasses in the other. Setting the glasses down in front of him, the Jedi Master ten proceded to open one bottle and fill both glasses, pushing one in front of Obi-Wan.

    Puzzled, Obi-Wan gave the glass in front of him a brief glance, but then returned his attention to the older Jedi. "Master, I believe I have learned the lesson you were seeking to teach me!"

    Qui-Gon gave him a strange look. "What lesson?"

    "The one of tolerance, Master," Obi-Wan reminded him, his ice-blue eyes filled with wonder as he looked about the room again. "I see now why you have brought us here. All around us . . . it's as if society's roles are checked at the door. Here, people treat each other as people, as equals, despite their differences in race and in beliefs." His student's head bowed and his eyes lowered. "I realize no
  6. Jaro

    Jaro Jedi Youngling star 1

    Sep 1, 1999
    When you first said something about writing this story, I didn't think you'd actually go through with it.

    It's going to be an interesting ride, I must say.
  7. Nanai Akira

    Nanai Akira Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jul 30, 1999
    Should we be counting shots? He he he! how Fun!!

    Yea, Lwyn-nya!
  8. Amidala22

    Amidala22 Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 20, 1999
    Shots? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Hey lw c'mon finish up all your stories !!!
    hey did you guys all see that #4 of JA series is coming or is out!!??
  9. Nanai Akira

    Nanai Akira Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jul 30, 1999
    Hey, Lwyn-nya, what kind of research did you do for this story?
  10. Lwyn'nya Kenobi

    Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 27, 1999
    Nanai ~ The fun kind

    Sadly enough, they've actually got me doing work today :_( So I won't be able to post more until I get home (around 6:30 pm PST)

    But I'm glad you all are liking this!

    Jaro ~ Every Master learns much from their Padawan, which is why I chose Tyhei. Plus it gives me a great chance to work with her one some great storylines

    Plus, remember. . . We are now Sith. And is it not tradition that a Sith apprentice will rise up and strike the Master down?
  11. Opie Wan Cannoli

    Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 10, 1999
    Is Obi-Wan really too young to drink ? I mean, we all know what their idea of old enough to drive is
  12. Garli Pesan

    Garli Pesan Jedi Padawan star 4

    Apr 13, 2000
    This so the funniest @#$%^&* thing I have read. LOL my jaw is on the floor. Oh, man I can't belive how great this is.
  13. Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi

    Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi Jedi Youngling star 2

    Jul 14, 1999
    This is an excellent story. I can't wait to see if Obi-Wan's tolerance for alcohol is truly lower than Qui-Gon's...heh heh heh
  14. Corbin Ryder

    Corbin Ryder Jedi Youngling star 1

    Aug 3, 1999
    (Two jedi walked into a bar, and the one said to the other, "You didn't see it either, didja?"

    Sorry, I couldn't resist. This is great, Lwyn!)

    [This message has been edited by Corbin Ryder (edited 09-14-1999).]
  15. Nanai Akira

    Nanai Akira Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jul 30, 1999
    Apparently, Lwyn-nya had to spend the evening doing some more "research"!
  16. Réka

    Réka Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 17, 1999
    Great story.

    But one thing bothered me--isn't slavery outlawed within the republic? There couldn't be slave girls inside a cantina on Coruscant. Servant girls, maybe, but not slaves.

    Minor little detail, really. Pardon me for interrupting.

    You may post the next installment now.

    [This message has been edited by Réka (edited 09-14-1999).]
  17. Lwyn'nya Kenobi

    Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 27, 1999

    Obi-Wan casted a hesitant look at the row of ten shot glasses sitting before him, filled to the brim. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol starting to seep into his veins, or just the effects of fear, but the glasses seemed to blur and multiply.

    Qui-Gon stifled a laugh as he watched his eager companion pale at the sight of the shot glasses. But, due to Obi-Wan's tenacity, his apprentice would swallow his fear along with the ten shots of tequila.

    Nodding wordlessly, Obi-Wan held his hand poised around the salt shaker, his other hand held out before him. Qui-Gon mimicked the movement.


    In a blur of action, the two Jedi licked their hands, quickly shaking salt onto their moistened hand and licked it off in a single stroke. Obi-Wan struggled to keep from puckering already; he was always sensitive to salt. But his eyes focused on Qui-Gon with a vicious tenacity as he quickly reached for the first shot glass.

    Their eyes never left each other as they moved as a mirror, each throwing back shots as quickly as they could. In the back of his mind, a quick thought flashed that it would be customary and respectful to let his Master win. But a sudden burst of competitive nature and speed quickly silenced the irritant thought, and Obi-Wan broke the steadfast pace to quickly slam back the remaining shots.

    . . . 8 . . . 9 . . . 10!

    In a flash, Obi-Wan reached for the halved lemon and sucked triumphantly, his thoughts flowing to his Master through their bond as he happily sucked the acidic lemon juice.

    //Hah!! Youth beats experience every time!//

    Not breaking his steady pace, Qui-Gon finished his last shot and sucked the pulp from the lemon, his eyes focusing on his student's.

    //So sure of this, are you Obi-Wan?//

    As the thought reached his mind, the young Jedi's view of the room quickly flipped itself over and began to rotate nauseatingly. Grabbing his head, Obi-Wan tried to move, only to find himself plastered on the floor.

    Just as he was getting comfortable on the dusty floor, his chuckling Master had reached his side and helped him back up to the chair.

    "Wha-what happened?" Obi-Wan slurred, clinging to the table that was moving way to much for his taste.

    Qui-Gon smiled as he regained his seat. It could have been the alcohol adjsuting his vision, but it looked like the Jedi Master was swaying at bit on his feet before he took his seat. "You may have finished before I did, but drinking that much so fast it cost you your balance."

    Obi-Wan sat there for a minute, trying to descern the ceiling from the floor, until the rush of alcohol had left him capable of logical thought again.

    Qui-Gon laughed. "Worry not, we'll try that again later in the evening."

    Obi-Wan smiled as Qui-Gon poured another drink.
  18. Jaro

    Jaro Jedi Youngling star 1

    Sep 1, 1999
    They're not gonna get so drunk they'll start hitting on the women in the bar, are they?

    I don't think I want to see/read that.
  19. Amidala22

    Amidala22 Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 20, 1999
    LOL, Jaro!!!!!!!!!! c'mon lw this is hilarious!!!!
  20. Tyhei

    Tyhei Jedi Youngling star 1

    May 29, 1999
    *g* There are worse things, mi amiga. They could start hitting on each other. *g*

    My Master, once more you have left me ROTLMAO. Woo-hoo! More!
  21. Nanai Akira

    Nanai Akira Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jul 30, 1999
    Lwyn-nya I think you also need to research the word "quickie" (as your title promised it was). This is the longest quickie I've ever heard of!
  22. Jaro

    Jaro Jedi Youngling star 1

    Sep 1, 1999
    I never even considered that, Tyhei.. <shudders>

    LW Kenobi? You wouldn't do that to us, would you?
  23. Garli Pesan

    Garli Pesan Jedi Padawan star 4

    Apr 13, 2000
    *shudder* Even reading about drinking tequila that fast makes me fell sick. But I love the story.
  24. Lwyn'nya Kenobi

    Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 27, 1999
    *Nanai ~ *lol* Considering the type of 'researching' I do, compounded with 'researching' a 'quickie' . . . bad things, that spells! ALSO: see if you can catch the joke reference (you'll know which one)*
    "So, two Jedi walk into a bar-"

    Obi-Wan groaned as he tossed back a sip of his Long Island Ice Tea. "Mas- er, Qui-Gon, everyone's heard that one before!"

    The tall Jedi Master with dilating pupils sat back, chagrined. "What about the one with the Jedi and the colony of sex-driven Amazons?"

    Obi-Wan snickered. It was one of his favorites. "Yep. Heard that one too."

    "Aha! I've got one!" Qui-Gon blurted out, sitting tall with pride that was glowing on his face . . . or was that the sheen of sweat from the immense alcohol in his bloodstream? "A naked Jedi walks into a bar with a womprat under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other."

    "Classic!!" Obi-Wan blurts out happily, alit with recognition. "She sets the womprat on the counter!" the younger Jedi continued the joke, despite the glare he received from his Master, "The bartender says, 'Well, I guess you won't be needing a drink, then.' She says-"


    "No," Obi-Wan shook his head with a quizzical look, lost in his joke, "That's not what she says . . ."

    "QUI-GEE, YOU OLD NERF-HERDER!" the high-pitched squel called out from the middle of the room. Suddenly, a boistrous, heavy-set woman with much-too-much makeup danced up to their table. Despite the alcohol in his sytem, Obi-Wan could have sworn he saw the look of fear on Qui-Gon's face at the sound of the shrill woman, a look of fear that easily passed for sheer terror.

    Suddenly the plump woman, dressed in frilly, flashy clothes in the color of pink that made the young Jedi nausious to look at, threw herself into Qui-Gon's lap and practically smothered his face in her large bosom. "My Qui-Gee!!" she chanted ecstatically, "Now why didn't you TELL me you were back in town?!?"

    Obi-Wan strained his ears to hear Qui-Gon's muffled excuses, his head still buried in the large woman's massive chest. The young Jedi wondered how his Master was managing to breathe as the woman practically smothered him in her boistrous hug.

    Finally, after much struggling, the woman released the Jedi Master and Qui-Gon gasped for air. When he finally had enough air in his lungs to speak, he introduced the two. "Ahem, Ghesalda, this is my Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan, this is my . . .er . . ."

    "Oh, come now, the boy can know!" Ghesalda purred shifting in Qui-Gon's lap to address the boy, causing the Jedi Master to groan. Obi-Wan could only guess at what vital organs the woman was crushing under her weight as he . "I'm his lover-"

    The boy proceeded to spit out his drink.

    "Is he alright?" Ghesalda asked Qui-Gon, looking worriedly at the young Jedi who was hacking a fit.


    Slowly, the coughing subsided. "I-I'm okay," he gasped, straining his vision to look at the heavyset woman and his Master. "It's just that . . . well, Qui-Gon's never mentioned you before."

    With a playful slap that sounded like it left a bruise, Ghesalda turned to face Qui-Gon. "Tsk! Now why didn't you tell the young boy about us?"

    "Because there is no 'us'," Qui-Gon explained in a voice that sounded to Obi-Wan like he had been through this lecture time and again. "You and I had a brief, one-night affair after I had had a bit too much to drink-"

    Staring at the woman, Obi-Wan wondered just exactly how much his Master had to drink that night.

    "-and I'm afraid I took . . . advantage . . . of your . . . sensualities."

    "Advantage! Hah!" the large woman replied loudly, "You know, Obi-Wan, your Master is quite the talented man. Even after all he had to drink that night, he still managed to work the anti-gravity room AND kept my legs wrapped around his neck!"

    "I think I need another drink," Obi-Wan grabbed the bottle and began to chug it down, his face pale.

    "Um, Ghesalda, with all do respect," Qui-Gon began, blushing to the roots of his hair, "there are some things I'd rather my Padawan not . . . O
  25. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999



    This is hilarious! I can't believe you had Qui-Gon sleep with that... thing! (Who seems to remind me of a certain character on the Drew Cary Show...)

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 09-14-1999).]
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