Typical Day in the Armed Forces

VIP Visits in the Regiment

Commanding officer to Adjutant:

"At 1000hrs tomorrow the adjutant General will be paying us a visit. He doesn't want any special arrangements made, but would like to walk around and visit the officers' and sergeants messes. It?s too early for a drink, but he'd like to say a few words. We'd better be ready for him from 0945hrs onwards."

Adjutant to Squadron leaders:

"The Colonel says that the Adjutant General is paying a special visit to the Regiment at 0945hrs tomorrow. He'd like to say a few words as he walks around the barracks and then have early drinks in the officers' and Sergeants' messes. You'd better be ready for him from 0930hrs onwards."

Squadron Leaders to Troop Leaders:

"At 0930hrs tomorrow the Adjutant is bringing some General to have an early drink and a few words with the Regiment, and then walk around the Officers' and Sergeants' messes. We'd better be ready for him from 0915hrs"

Troop Leaders to Troop Sergeants:

"At 0915hrs tomorrow the Adjutant is having early drinks with the General. The Regiment is to walk around the barracks while the General has a few words with the Officers' and Sergeants' messes. We'd better be ready at 0900hrs."

Troop Sergeants to Tank Commanders:

"The General is coming at 0900hrs tomorrow to have a few words with the Adjutant about early drinking in the Officers' and Sergeants' messes. We'd better stand by from 0845rs in case he walks around the barracks."

Tank Commanders to Soldiers:

"The Adjutant is walking round the barracks at 0845hrs tomorrow because some General has had a few words with him about his early drinking in the Officers' and Sergeants' messes. We'd better stand by from 0830hrs."

Soldiers:

"The Officers and Sergeants will be walking round the barracks tomorrow drinking with the Adjutant, who's just been made a bloody General. We'd better keep out of the way from 0815hrs."


Is it any wonder they get nothing done

 

Lord_Ogli- this post has gone straight over my head! Doesnt help though that I only read the first para (get it! ) and got lost!

 

Reminded me of this for some reason:

How the military deals with a snake:

1. Infantry:Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves the area, travelling upwind.

2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on snake. Kills snake. Sleeps with snake. Still loves snake in morning.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, looks for more snakes, looses a track and sulks till REME arrive.

4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective ? ?to hold London against Roundheads at all costs?

5. Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake. Gets smashed with snake. Gets naked with snake. Eats snake.

6. Royal Engineers: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for defeating snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by Pioneers and drowns.

7. Royal Artillery: Fires three-hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray (short) round, tree falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared a success and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller ?Python Two Zero?

9. Medical Services: Snake killed by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake. Declares death by natural causes.

10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes Power-point presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval Forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations

11. Territorial Army: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Kicks dust over snake. Keeps quiet about it.

12. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snakes. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, 15 Tornados, AWACs and RAF Regiment. Loads anti-ship missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can?t find snake. Drops missiles into sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry cleaning collection, facials, manicures ?etc.

13. RMP: Hassles Snake. Goads Snake. Waits for snake to strike back. Beats snake to unconsciousness with 12 of his mates, then charges snake for unrelated driving offence.

14. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What Snake??? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

15. RLC: Procurement agency orders 2-year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute 20? output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in Catering Corps messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts don?t believe options feasible. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsly Harriot and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat delivered to messes by RCT and offloaded by Pioneers. Snake meat launched into Service Messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army blames youth of today and recruitment issues, demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Multi-national Euro Army at massive loss.

16. Air Despatch: Hercules low level ingress at 200 feet with dispatchers chucking chaff out para-door in Army ?Horror Bags? Pallet chutes fail. Pallet squashes snake.

17. Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified by Heckler and Koch to meet performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and an ?off the shelf? snake is bought from the USA for $10bill

 

I thought a typical day in our armed forced just meant being shot at by Americans and their "Friendly Fire".