Uncle Yoda Column

A possible idea for a new game that ups the posts. kinda like a dear abby column, it could be fun.
here's an example:

Uncle Yoda,
I can't take this anymore! Because of this )$(#)(! life debt I can't do anything! That *$#*! Han never even says thank you! And now I have to protect those #$*&@ kids of his and his !*#_+% wife too! I never have any time for myself! They just don't realize that I have feelings too! !!!!! Please tell me what to do!

Chewie


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And then someone can come up with the response.

sounds cool to me

Uncle Yoda sez:

"Chewie...a life debt does not mean indentured servitude! Don't coddle them! Just save their lives one time when needed.....my senses tell me that the number of times they have actually been endangered to the point of death can be counted on even my hand without using my thumb!

Dear Uncle Yoda,

I know that it was an accident, and he knows it too... but come on, I KISSED MY BROTHER! How can I ever get over it? Han won't let me live it down, Luke just zones out whenever I try to talk to him about it, and Chewbacca just laughs!

I have been permanetly scarred by this incedent. How can I ever get over this incestuous event?

Leia.

Uncle Yoda sez:

I have found that in the ways of the Force, many times youthful, shall we say, indiscretions lead to such events...and it may be that your brother suffers also from this personal incursion...I noticed YOU did put one slobberin' smooch on him! Uh, anyway, I wouldn't trouble myself over it if I were you....time and the Force heal all wounds, especially such innocent acts; I'm sure Han will understand...eventually. And, uh, from the looks of it, it didn't get any farther than that, so no biggy, right? It didn't get any farther than that, did it?!

Uncle Yoda,
I just found out that I have a son! What kind of father have I been wandering around the galaxy, destroying worlds, enslaving people, and hunting jedi? I've neglected my son and there's a void between us. We had a bit of a fight and I think I hurt him. I'm a terrible father! Please help me!

Ani
via email drth_v8dr@empire.com

Uncle Yoda sez:

IT'S A LITTLE LATE FER THAT, DON'T YA THINK??????

Uncle Yoda,
I haven't seen you in a while. I'd like to get together. Maybe we could have some lightsaber practice? Howzabout you send me your new address and I'll come visit you?

Ani
via email drth_v8dr@empire.com

Address?! WE'RE BOTH IN THE FORCE, YOU LAME-BRAIN!!!!!!

Uncle Yoda,

I have a very serious problem, and it's beginning to effect my health and others that work around me. My meglomania is out of control and I've even started to be able to conduct electricity through my fingers! This is a great party trick, but I eventually end up killing my guests. Plus my skin has become pallid and slack, I've tried everything to get back my old rosy glow!

Plus I have an over eager minion that seems to choke all his officers before they even have a chance to take responsibility for what they have done. I head he has a son, maybe I should kill my minion and take his boy in...

E. Palpatine
via email darthpimpdaddy@imperialpalace.gov

Uncle Yoda sez:
For the lightning from the fingers, try wearing latex gloves. As for your skin, try my new cream: Uncle Yoda's Green Machine. It's kept my skin great for over 800 years!
And sure, whack your minion. That's what there for. But I'll take the kid.

Uncle Yoda,

I can't believe my what my *#($ step brother has done. First he goes and knocks up some senator, and I end up with one of his brats. I end up with his old droids (yes I recognized them), and since they were the only ones the Jawas were selling, and I really needed them I bought them. Talk about trouble. There seems to be evil around the gold one, it follows him, not to mention the astromech has a dirtly little mouth.

So now these droids are missing, so is my pansy of a nephew, and now Beru is pissed at me! She says that I need to be more sensitive to Luke's needs. HA!

Wait a sec, there's some one at the door...

Holy bantha shi...!

Transmission terminated.
via e-mail lars_farm@sandbox.com

Uncle Yoda,

I really feel isolated, I live out here in the desert, I have no meaningful social interaction. I used to be a really big deal, and now the most fun I have is scaring sandpeople. I feel like i'm waiting for something to happen.

Obi-Wan@tatooinedesert.dust

Uncle Yoda sez:

Not much point in answerin' that one, hehe!

Breaking the format -

I never thought about it before this thread, but between the twins kissing, best friend getting the girl, father abandoning two children, mother dead, child of immaculate conception - the Skywalker family could probably do Springer.

Uncle Yoda sez:

Oh, don't be so pathetic! Everyone on Tattoine feels that way! Dealin' with the Sand People is the same as havin' to deal with the marketers in Mos Eisley....they're all animals!!!!! And something is gonna happen to ya soon....I'll see ya in the FORCE later.

You don't know me!!!!!



Kit, you have a better response than me.

Uncle Yoda,

Meesa sad. Nobady liken mesa. I bein a little clumsy dats all. Whysen dey no liken that? I bein da comic relif dats all. Whysen deesa big bombad humans wanten to kill mesa? Deysa wanten to do bad tings to mesa. Mesa needen to go into da witness protection program, I tink.

Scared...
via e-mail gungan380@bubblecity.net

Uncle Yoda sez:

Dear LOSER,

Don't be so hard on yourself....you can't help it the studio needed a lanky, flappy-eared, gecko-skinned, stupid, speech-impaired, mud-fish eyed, long-snouted yap of a side-kick....you just happen to fit the bill to a tee! Still...you might want to follow through on that witness protection program if they offer you another contract!

Uncle Yoda,
I have an overwhelming desire to eat bacon! I also find myself strangely attracted to jawas. What should I do?

Chunk

Uncle Yoda sez:

May the FORCE help you......how did you go from that nice, pretty young woman to JAWAs!? I think you've had too much bacon-fat, and your brain has imploded! Get some help.

dear chunk get a job stopp drinking and start looking at real women.

Uncontrollably laughing at the keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Yoda sez:


You guys take it fer a while....I can't get any armour work done anymore!!!!!

LOL! Good one Jedi_Guy!

Uncle Yoda,

I've had the hots for you since I first saw you 200 years ago. I am so glad I'm on the council too, I can look at your sweet green face all day long.

But you don't seem to notice me. Why not!? I'm the only other person the same species that you are on the entire planet!

Come on... will you want to go for a walk in the swamp with me?

yoda_fan@highcouncil.net