Title: Under Duress Author: VaderLVR64 Characters: OC (Sian Ny) Notes: An OC from this series: Shadows of a Lost Padawan Under Duress First, I want to make it clear that I am doing this under duress. This diary should in no way be construed as something I wanted to do, or even that I don?t mind doing. I am lodging my most hearty protest in this, the very first entry and I do not expect to budge from my opinion of it as time goes on. Now that that is taken care of, I suppose I should move on to the reasons for maintaining this embarrassing bit of prepubescent ritual. Apparently, the Healer thought I would benefit from this exercise as a way to ?work out my pain and grief.? That?s so ridiculous that I hardly know how to answer, so I will only say this... If I did need to work out those particular issues, I would do it the way any male my age would: I would kick a wall repeatedly until I broke something in my foot. However, that brilliant plan has two flaws ? first, I am a Jedi and supposed to be above such petty responses, and second, I cannot move my legs at all, so kicking a wall seems a bit out of my repertoire now. Who knew being paralyzed would be such a drag? I guess she thought I should do this because I?m still sad over my Padawan?s death. Trin is dead. I have to stare at those words for a few moments and let them sink in because it still doesn?t seem real. But it is real and there?s nothing I can do to change that. Trin is dead. He?ll never walk through that door again; never giggle in line with the other younglings at third-meal. He?ll never do anything again. Yes, I?m still sad. I still mourn him. Is that so unusual? I suppose for a Jedi it is, though now I must admit that I question our mandate to prevent attachments. How could I possibly train a young one, care for him and nurture him as every youngling deserves and then simply not care when he dies? It doesn?t make sense and I don?t think it ever will. So to keep the Healer happy I?ll continue writing in this ridiculous journal, though I fear the mortification of it will take years off of my life. Maybe that wouldn?t be such a bad thing after all. I admit, I probably would have been willing to risk her considerable wrath (after all, who is going to hit a man who can?t walk?) but she called in that big gundark, Qui-Gon Jinn, who threatened to sit on me until I complied with all of the Healer?s orders. He would have killed me. To pacify the idiot Healer and the overgrown Jinn, I?ll do as directed. But I don?t have to like it.