Up town? Nooooo, Downtown...

Discussion in 'Omaha, NE' started by ImperialRecruiter, May 11, 2002.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Ummeiko Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 6, 2001
    "Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we."

    Should I point out that Christopher Columbus never actually FOUND what he was looking for? He was looking for India, not Central America...
  2. paperclipx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2001
    star 4
    Well John, after this one, you will be forgotten. Crank the escalation meter up about 50 notches! Its all in fun right? ;)

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
    ----------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
    woman?

    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
    machine will probably never be able to support you.

    ----------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
    them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    ----------------------------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something
    smart?

    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
    me..."

    ----------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    ----------------------------------------
    Why do men break wind more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
    the required pressure.

    ----------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
    is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    ----------------------------------------
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.
    --------------------------------------
    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
    name was "Always".

    ----------------------------------------
    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
    like to interrupt her.

    ---------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
    woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.
    ----------------------------------------
    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding
    Ring, Suffering.

    ----------------------------------------
    Our last fight was my fault:
    My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

    I said, "Dust!"
    ----------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
    Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
    ------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
    ----------------------------------------
    A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on
    Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."

    She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
    willpower."

    ----------------------------------------
    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
    parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
    her?"

    Dad: That happens in every country, son.
    ----------------------------------------
    A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
    Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred
    letters.
    They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
    ----------------------------------------
    The most effective way to remember your wife's
    birthday is to forget it once.

    ----------------------------------------
    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
    down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
    think they are beautiful.

  3. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    well lets see where should i start?

    hmmm..... this looks like a good place
    Words Women Use



    FINE.....
    This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

    FIVE MINUTES.....
    This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

    NOTHING.....
    This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

    GO AHEAD..... (With raised eyebrows)
    This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine.

    GO AHEAD..... (Normal eyebrows)
    This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

    LOUD SIGH.....
    This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

    SOFT SIGH.....
    Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

    THAT'S OKAY.....
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay,? means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

    PLEASE DO.....
    This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

    THANKS.....
    A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

    THANKS A LOT.....
    This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

    then lets add this
    Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
    A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

    Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
    A: Both of them.

    Q: Why did the man cross the road?
    A: He heard the chicken was a sl*t.

    Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
    A: They don't have time.

    Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
    A: They won't stop to ask directions.

    Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
    A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

    Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
    A: He buys two cases of beer.

    Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    A: The bonds mature.

    Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
    A: So men can remember them.

    Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    A: We don't know; it has never happened.

    Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    A: They all already have boyfriends.

    Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is ev
  4. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Go ahead, carry a kid for nine months. I'm not jealous.

    Women are pretty spectacular, though. They are nice enough to put up with our crap, if they like us...

    For a not so sexist joke... And no, I don't think a hillbilly or redneck is someone from Omaha. We've got plenty of them here in Cincinnati, too. 8-}

    Hillbilly / Redneck Medical Terms

    Benign ................. What you be after you be eight.
    Bacteria ............... Back door to cafeteria.
    Barium ................. What doctors do when patients die.
    Cesarean Section ....... A neighborhood in Rome.
    Catscan ................ Search for Kitty.
    Cauterize .............. Made eye contact with her.
    Colic .................. A sheep dog.
    Coma ................... A punctuation mark.
    D&C .................... Where Washington is.
    Dilate ................. To live long.
    Enema .................. Not a friend.
    Fester ................. Quicker than someone else.
    Fibular ................ A small lie.
    G.I.Series ............. World Series of military baseball.
    Hangnail ............... What you hang your coat on.
    Impotent ............... Distinguished, well known.
    Labor Pain ............. Getting hurt at work.
    Medical Staff .......... A Doctor's cane.
    Morbid ................. A higher offer than I bid.
    Nitrates ............... Cheaper than day rates.
    Node ................... I knew it.
    Outpatient ............. A person who has fainted.
    Pap Smear .............. A fatherhood test.
    Pelvis ................. Second cousin to Elvis.
    Post Operative ......... A letter carrier.
    Recovery Room .......... Place to do upholstery.
    Rectum ................. Damn near killed him.
    Secretion .............. Hiding something.
    Seizure ................ Roman emperor.
    Tablet ................. A small table.
    Terminal Illness ....... Getting sick at the airport.
    Tumor .................. More than one.
    Urine .................. Opposite of mine.
    Varicose ............... Near by/close by.
  5. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    lol that is pretty good
    and your right all women should get a purple heart just for putting up with men
  6. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Here's one for the more religious folks. It's pretty funny for the not so religious, too! ;)

    A pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain - with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally, the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear be a Christian." Suddenly, the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to eat"
  7. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1




    Chores on the Farm

    A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
    "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

    "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

    The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

    Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

    "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

    Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

  8. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    LOL! That's a good one!

    This one isn't so much a joke but a humorous look at the wonders of the English Language...

    The English Language

    Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.
    There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
    Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
    In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
    Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
    And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
  9. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    Uncle Tommy's Closet

    A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets.
    ''What the hell is going on?'' he says.

    ''I'm having a heart attack!!''

    So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked'' So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet.

    The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids? You shoud be ashamed of yourself!"



  10. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    That guy deserves a big D'oh! for that one! 8-}

    Here's one for the folks who've been in the military!

    AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS ...


    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral in it.
    Next day, Kathy said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking eggs to market in a box on the front seat of the truck, when we hit a bump and a lot of them broke and made a mess."
    "So, what's the moral of the story," asked the teacher.
    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
    Another child, Lucy, told her story. "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had 16 eggs one time,but when they hatched, we only got 10 live chicks. And the moral to this story is don't count your chickens until they hatch."
    "That was fine," said the teacher.
    "Now, Johnny, do you have a story too?"
    "Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory. All she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. She hacked 20 more with the machete until the blade broke. And she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
    "Good heavens!" exclaimed the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you was in this terrible story?"

    "Don't mess around with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
  11. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    Dear Oakley Sunglasses Manufacturer,

    I am writing you for several reasons.....

    1. I am out to sea and I am bored.
    2. I am hoping that you send me lots of free stuff.
    3. I have a pair of Oakley Frogskins Sunglasses.
    I bought me a pair of your sunglasses a while back. The fake tortise shell colored plain frogskins. They worked as advertised. That is they made everything darker which is the purpose of sunglasses as near as I can tell.

    And this is not the first pair of your sunglasses I have purchased. I usually have them last about three months before I lose them. My wife has threratened to pop rivit the damn things to my skull if I lose another pair.

    As I imagine this could be quite painful, I have taken care to keep up with this pair. (My wife is a redhead, I think she would really do it too) I have had this pair for about nine months. They were a birthday present from my wife.

    I have not wore them more than a couple of times in the last six months. Here is the reason why.

    I am 35 years old and I have a son who just turned 13. I took my family to go see a concert. Because it was dark in the auditorium I took my sunglasses off and put them in my shirt pocket. (my wife was making fun of me for trying to suck my gut in, wearing my shades indoors, and trying to look cool in front of all the 18 year old females) After the show, as we were leaving the Auditorium, My son starts lipping off as only a 12 year old can. It was dark outside and the little heathen child of mine dared to suggest that his dad was old and fat. Then he started running toward the truck. Just to prove to him that his dad was still a studly sumbitch, I started racing him. As I was motivating my 6'7" 265 pound frame past his young impertinent ass, my Oakley Frogskins bounced out of my shirt pocket! As they landed on the ground, I stepped on them with my size 13 Cowboy Boot. Of course this meant that I had to abandon the race. I DID NOT LOSE NO MATTER WHAT THE DAMN KID SAYS! I HAD TO STOP TO GET MY SUN GLASSES!

    Here is the cool part. The damned glasses didn't break! But the lenses got scratched all to hell. When I wear them I feel like I have cataracts and need a cornea transplant. But I do still wear them. Especially when it's really bright outside. I have to be really careful when I am driving because I can't see worth a damn. But it gives going to the grocery store a whole new thrill.

    I am writing you to ask if I can get replacement lenses for my frogskins. Everytime I mention buying a new pair to the wife, she gets the Pop Rivit gun out and starts making threatening gestures.

    If you can find it in your heart to send me a replacement set of Frogskin lenses I would be truely grateful. Hell, I'll pay ya for 'em. If you should decide to send me a free pair of each style and color of the Frogskins I would probably put you on my Christmas card list. There is no higher honor.

    I have a couple of questions for you......

    1. What is this Thermo Nuclear Protection stuff? What idiot did you get to test that out? "Jimmy, You stand right here and we are gonna explode this bigass bomb right over yonder. Now we expect that yer entire body is gonna get vaporised. All except fer yer eyeballs. See, yer wearing Oakleys and they got that Thermonuclear Protection stuff".


    2. Who is Oakley?
  12. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Here's a few one liners for folks to get a chuckle out of...

    1. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

    2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

    3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.
    The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

    4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

    5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

    6. I hate sex in the movies.
    Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her
    mood.

    7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
    Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out...
    and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

    9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

    12. A woman said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

    13. I'm so depressed... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

    14. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

    15. Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton
    replies, "but it'll cost you."

    16. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ...
    It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
  13. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    thats prety funny. hey imperial did u notice that u and me are pretty much the only ones posting any jokes? do u think that is because no one else has any jokes or is cause they are all dull and boring?








    Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

    1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
    2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
    3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
    4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
    5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
    6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
    7. ''Now how did that get there?''
    8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
    9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
    10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
    11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
    12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
    13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
    14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
    15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
    16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
    17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
    18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''


  14. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Well, Rogue, I hate to say it, but folks now-a-days just don't seem to have that much humor in their lives. 8-} Or else they are too busy laughing or groaning over ours. It's probably just one of those things where they are ready and willing to read the jokes but don't have any on hand to post.

    Your list was hilarious! I loved it! :D

    Here's one for all the Walmart shoppers out there. It's a fun little game to play.

    Fun Things To do at Wal Mart

    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
    2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
    3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals throughout the store.
    4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
    5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
    6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
    7. Leave "interesting" messages on the type writers.
    8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
    9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles.
    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares", and see what happens.
    11. tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
    12. Play with the automatic doors.
    13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in SO long!!!... etc". See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
    14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who Buys this stuff anyway?"
    15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
    16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive".
    17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
    18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
    19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look absolutely mesmerized and say, "Wow... magic!!!"
    20. Put M&M's on layaway.
    21. Move "caution: Wet floor" signs to carpeted areas.
    22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
    23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
    24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
    25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "... I'm Batman! Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
    26. TP as much of the store as possible.
    27. Randomly throw things over into the neighboring aisles.
    28. Play with the calculators so they all say "hello" upside down.
    29. When someone asks if you need help begin to cry and say "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
    30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover!" at the top of your lungs.
    31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock. (i.e. "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
    32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
    33. Take bets on the battle described above.
    34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes & combs in Cosmetics.
    35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as apastic as possible.
    36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
    37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
    38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
    39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
    40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
    41. 2 words: "Marco Polo".
    42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
    43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn & Garden, Pillows in the pet food aisles, etc.
    44. "Re-alphabetize" the CDs in Electronics.
    45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look wit
  15. Ummeiko Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 6, 2001
    More things to do in department stores. I shall use K-mart, because I work there. (That also means I know what you can get away with...)

    53. When no employees are around, press the button in layaway that calls for service every minute until the employee shuts it off. Hide until the employee shuts it off and leaves, then press it again. Repeat as desired.

    54. Take cartfuls of apparel and distribute them generously in the dressing rooms.

    55. When going through the checkout with more than a dozen of one item, point out that another store sells the item for a penny less (or that the sign reads a penny less) than the scanned price. Make the employee void and override every one of the items.

    56. When buying clothes, wait until the cashier has taken the last hanger off, then remember that you wanted the hangers left on. When he/she has finished putting the hangers on, decide you really don't want them anymore.

    57. Pay for everything in pennies and proceed to count them out.

    58. Try to return an empty bag of M&Ms, saying that you counted as you ate them and it was one M&M short of regulation.

    60. Play hide and seek in the clothes racks.

    61. "Accidentally" wander through doors marked Employees Only.

    62. Find a deserted paging phone. Proceed to make fake pages and/or page employees to call numbers that don't exist.

    63. Randomly stick security tags on people's purses/clothing/carts/etc so the alarm beeps as they try to leave.

    64. Put things on layaway under a fake name and address, then refuse to make payments. (Only do this if there's no down payment... otherwise it's stupid)

    65. Make a mess of only the top shelves of the aisles, so that ladders are required for straightening, then complain to the manager that the aisles are a mess.

    66. Go to the checkout lane with a cartful of items just as the lane is closing and demand to be helped. After all of the items are scanned and bagged, and the cashier has been forced to stay ten or fifteen minutes past his/her end of shift, realize you have no money. Leave without purchasing anything.

    Warning... doing any of these will probably severely anger the staff. I am not responsible for any reprocussions carried out against you. (Oh, and someone did that stupid 1 penny cheaper thing on the girl in the checkout lane next to me... and the layaway call is done a lot.)
  16. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    A K-Mart employee, eh? That brings back memories. I used to work at a K-Mart here in Cincy back when I was in High School. Oh, so many moons ago...

    Well, here's a joke that will hopefully get a laugh or two...

    Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. 'The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
  17. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    The Proxy Father

    The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

    ''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

    ''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

    ''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

    ''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

    ''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

    ''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

    ''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

    ''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

    ''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

    ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

    ''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
    ''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
    ''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

    ''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

    ''Yes,'' the photographer said.

    ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

    ''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

    ''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

    ''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

    ''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

  18. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Now that... Is hilarious! [face_laugh]

    You know, Rogue. It's almost like folks are afraid to post anything else here. Maybe I'll see if I can get other folks on other boards to come pay a visit.

    Here's a few for everyone's enjoyment...


    Top Ten things men understand about women:

    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
    6.
    7.
    8.
    9.
    10.


    A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up!'

    When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, Monica was slightly embarrassed. So, the doctor asked, "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for me," she replied, "but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?" "Uh..." stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
  19. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    yeah i agree with you a just mix a part scared with a part boring then i think you will have the right mix. that would be cool to get someone else to join in.







    Banana Love Cake

    Ingredients: 2 whole nuts, 1 large banana, 2 strong arms, 2 well shaped legs, 1 fur lined mixing bowl, 4 loving eyes.
    Mixing instructions: Look into eyes, part legs. Gently squeeze milk jugs. Continue until bowl is well greased. Add banana, top with nuts. Move in and out until cake is well creamed. Sigh with relief, let cool. Do not lick the bowl. If cake starts to rise, get out of town FAST


    Ode to Valentine's Day

    Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
    What the hell is that schtuff for
    People get mushy and start acting queer
    It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.

    This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
    Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
    I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
    And wear all black for the rest of the week.


    Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade
    For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
    The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,
    Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.


    So there's my story... what can I say
    Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY



    What P.M.S. Stands For


    Pass My Shotgun
    Psychotic Mood Shift
    Perpetual Munching Spree
    Puffy Mid-Section
    People Make Me Sick
    Provide Me with Sweets
    Pardon My Sobbing
    Pimples May Surface
    Pass My Sweatpants
    Pissy Mood Syndrome
    Plainly, Men Suck
    Pack My Stuff

    I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

    I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around ?re-adjusting? my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.

    I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you can't see three inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

    Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks; join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my d**k. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!



  20. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Well, the word is out, but I've no idea if we'll see more joke posters. My next one may get a comment or two. Perhaps even jokes in reply from other folks too!

    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a##hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'a##hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
    a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a##hole!"

    It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a##hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID
    program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a##hole!"

    So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
    window, so I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first a##hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a##hole, too.

    I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW
    for sale?"

    "Yes it is."

    "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at **** West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

    "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don
    ******," he said.

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home every evening after five."

    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

    "Yes?"

    "Don, you're an a##hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a##holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

    So, I came up with an idea: I called A##hole #1.

    "Hello"

    "You're an a##hole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
    "Are you still there?" he asked.

    "Yeah," I said.
    "Stop calling me," he screamed.

    "Make me," I said.
    "Who are you?" he asked.

    "My name is Don ******."
    "Yeah? Where do you live?"

    "A##hole, I live at **** West 34th Street, a
    yellow house with my black Beemer our front."

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a##hole."

    Then I called a##hole # 2:

    "Hello?" he said.
    "Hello A##hole," I said.

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?" I said.

    "I'll kick your a##!" he exclaimed.
    I answered, "Well, a##hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at **** West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

    Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St.

    There, I saw two a##holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

    Now, I feel better.


    I decided that it would be a good idea to l
  21. paperclipx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2001
    star 4
    Considering where I work, that made my day....if only we could do that.
  22. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    He Thinks He's the Boss

    A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
    "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

    With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

    She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

    Harley Davidson and Woman

    Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
    The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

    "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

    Ha, The Joke's On You

    There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
    "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

    One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

    "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

    "I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

  23. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Now the mother-in-law joke put a really bad image in my head. That's just downright creepy.

    Here's an oldy but goody...

    Two guys are sitting in a bar. The first guy starts complaining about how his wife always gripes at him about what time he gets in...

    "I don't get it. I can put the car in neutral one mile before I get to the drive-way, kill the engine three houses down, take off my shoes and not even close the car door all the way. I can even avoid the squeaky steps, open the locks silently and everything and she still will nail me for coming in late."

    The second guy hears all this and decides to put in his two cents...

    "That's funny. I never have a bit of a problem when I get home. I drive right on up to the house tearing the street up all the way. I slam the front door when I get in and stomp right on up the stairs," he says.

    "And your wife never yells at you?"

    "Nooo, I charge right on in and ask her for a BJ and she's always fast asleep."
  24. paperclipx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2001
    star 4
    In the men's bathroom, an accountant,
    a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing
    side-by-side using the urinal.

    The accountant finished, zipped up and
    started washing and literally
    scrubbing his hands clear up to his
    elbows -- he used about 20 paper towels
    before he finished. He turned to the other
    two men and commented, "I graduated
    from Ohio State University and they taught
    us to be clean."

    The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly
    wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one
    paper towel and commented, "I graduated
    from the University of Colorado and they
    taught us to be environmentally
    conscientious."

    The cowboy zipped up and as he was
    walking out the door said, "I graduated
    from the University of Nebraska. They
    taught us not to pee on our hands."
  25. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    LOMFAO ohhh thats funny




    Mommy & "Uncle" Frank
    It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.