Omaha, NE Up town? Nooooo, Downtown...

ROTFLMAO at both of those!

Let's take a peek and see if I've got a good one somewhere...

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180, 000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250, 000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, concluded their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that the large head of the penis was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

lol thats pretty good.

10 Ways to Annoy Cops


Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"


World War III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"


Hold Me
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'' The husband says, ''WHAT??'' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it.'' The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ''Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register.'' The husband says, ''No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.'' The wife's face goes blank. ''No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.''

 

EXPRESSIONS HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. You - Off my planet

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spea

 

Alright! More people posting jokes! I like that.

Here's a bit of a convoluted one, but it is a good one...

Tony Blair, Osama Bin Laden and GW are on a deserted island discussing how they could settle this whole terrorist thing. As they are walking along the beach, Tony happens to stub his toe on something hard.

After picking it up, he finds it to be a lamp with some writing on it that's hard to read. He dusts off the lamp, and then *POOF* out pops a genie who promises three wishes.

The genie looks down and says that since there are three of them, it would be one wish each. He points to Tony and says," You rubbed my lamp; so you get the first wish."

Tony thinks a moment and then says," I wish for Brittain to have fertile soil and be a grand kingdom like it was in ages past."

The genie says," Well, I don't know about the last half, but I can make Brittain's land fertile." *BAM* it happens. Then the genie points to Osama. "What do you want for your wish?"

Osama says," I want a wall built around my land to keep out all of the infidels. I want it thick enough and high enough to keep all intruders out."

The genie says, "Is that it? That's easy." *BAM* it happens. Then the genie points to GW and says, "And what would you have me do with your wish?"

GW thinks for a moment, then asks, "Could you tell me a bit more about this wall, before I make my wish?"

The genie says that the wall is 300 miles high and entirely encircles Osama's chosen land. He tells GW that the walls are 50 feet thick and totally impenetrable. Then the genie asks GW if he knows what he would wish for.

GW nods his head and says...




"Could you fill that with water for me?"

 

yeah it's about well got some more people with a sense of humor i was starting to wonder.




Showers: Men Vs. Women

How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

 

BAD AMERICAN - R YOU?

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not my ex-wife (aka Sister of Satan), not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it! I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.

My heroes are my Dad, John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after
getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections and at LAX airport trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.....are you?

 

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal


OBJECTIVETo disengage said bra without looking like an idiot. WHAT YOU NEED1) Girl with bra2) Two functional hands3) Common Sense TECHNIQUES1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging. 3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter. DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer. WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:1) "I really want to thank you for this."2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."3) "Do you have any cereal?"



Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good. 19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 16) Good chocolate is easy to find. 15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 10) You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers. 9) The word ''commitment'' doesn't scare off chocolate. 8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 2) ''If you love me you'll swallow that'' has real meaning with chocolate. 1) You can get chocolate.





How to Impress a Woman/Man


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...compliment her,cuddle her,kiss her,caress her,love her,stroke her,tease her,comfort her,protect her,hug her,hold her,spend money on her,wine & dine her,buy things for her,listen to her,care for her,stand by her,support her,go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...show up naked,bring beer.

 

We really are starting to get some good ones up here.

paperclipx, did you get the George Carlin bit in your e-mail too? I got that just last week from a friend of mine.

Let's see if I've got any good ones up my sleeve...

Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge---Up Yours.

This evening at 7pm, there will be a sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs . Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who's your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones and she was stuck once again with the pin. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the min ister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your a**!"

 

sharing with one kiddy and not the others huh?
i c how it is



Atheist's Prayer

As an Atheist walked through the forest, he looked at the beauty around him and said, "What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear came bounding toward him. The man took off like a shot and when he turned he saw the bear was catching up fast.

He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him.

The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"

Time stopped! The bear froze The forest was silent Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out! The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."



Drug Used to Seduce Men

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...




Stoner Shopping Trip

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no. . . sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

 

Very funny! I like the stoner one because when I was in high school we'd get folks coming through the drive thru at Frisch's asking if we had any. Apparently, a guy that used to work there was the local "sales agent". Folks just kept coming back.

I'll have to forward the "Beer" Drug warning to any single guys I know. They'll be itching to try it!

"sharing with one kiddy and not the others huh?
i c how it is "

Is that about the GC bit? I hadn't sent that to anyone; it's just starting to get circulated. My mom and dad got it in their e-mail from somebody else, and they don't even like Carlin. [face_shocked]

Do I have any good ones up my sleeve?...

No, there all in the computer!

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen. He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

 

yeah i figured everyone could relate to the stoner joke yeah the gc was the one i was talking about.



Three Girls Go Camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."


Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

 

The three wishes one I liked, but the blonde with the guts I loved! Those were good!

While on the subject of blondes...

Two blondes walk into a bar...
You would've thought one of them would have seen it!

How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been on a 747.

How are a blonde and a doorknob similar?
Everyone's had a turn!

What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown?
Artificially intelligent!

And one more joke that shall have nothing to do with blondes...

Pam received a parrot for her birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Pam tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird. The bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird just got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Pam put the bird in the freezer and shut the door. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and then suddenly there was quiet.
Pam was frightened that she may have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Pam's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Pam was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused the change when the parrot continued:
"Might I ask what the CHICKEN did?"

 

ha ha ha thats pretty good






Le Parfumerie y le Blonde

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

 

ROTFLMAO!!! There's a song that you can get people to play that uses a bit of that joke. It's too perverted to tell on the boards though, so I'll avoid that one.

Here's one I found to be rather entertaining...

Old Sol was in the hospital, near death. Sol had always been a religious man, so his family called their rabbi to stand with them. As the rabbi stood next to the bed, Sol's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The rabbi lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Sol used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The rabbi thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the service, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Sol died. He reached into the pocket and pulled out Sol's note. He said, "You know, Sol handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Sol, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Rabbi, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

 

a song is what u want well then a song is what you will get

Independant X-Woman (Song Parody)


Pryde, Kitty,
With my girl Jean,
'Ro Munroe, Bets, and Cece,
Rogue-y's X-Girls, come on,
Uh, uh, uh

Question!
Tell me what you think about me,
My friends are in danger but I'm gonna party,
Do not call me tele if you feelin' lonely,
Girl need a shoulder go find Wolverine,
Question!
Tell me how you feel about this,
Diss my new costume I'll get really pissed,
Boyfriend do not threaten me with all yo' muscle mass,
Try to push my buttons I will kick your ass

These great double-D's,
I'll flaunt 'em,
This bombin' white streak,
I'll flaunt it,
My brand-new teke,
I'll flaunt it,
'Cuz I'm an X-Lady,
If I wanted,
The wings your flappin',
I'll steal 'em,
The rays your blastin',
I'll steal 'em,
The claws your slashin',
I'll steal 'em,
'Cuz I'm an X-Lady, I'm an X-Lady

All X-Women, who independant,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Honies, who makin' money,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Mamas, who beat down malas,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Ladies, who truly feel me,
Throw your hands up at me

Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that,
Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that

Tell me what you think about this,
Who would I chose if I was gonna kiss,
Maybe go a round or two with Mr. Colossus,
Gonna scratch that cajun traitor off my list,
Question!
How you like these powers that I brought,
Try to ice my girls now you gonna get caught,
Boyfriend do you really wanna end up like the Goth,
Don't forget I'm written by Chris Claremont

These great double-D's,
I'll flaunt 'em,
This bombin' white streak,
I'll flaunt it,
My brand-new teke,
I'll flaunt it,
'Cuz I'm an X-Lady,
If I wanted,
The wings your flappin',
I'll steal 'em,
The rays your blastin',
I'll steal 'em,
The claws your slashin',
I'll steal 'em,
'Cuz I'm an X-Lady, I'm an X-Lady

All X-Women, who independant,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Honies, who makin' money,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Mamas, who beat down malas,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Ladies, who truly feel me,
Throw your hands up at me

Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that,
Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that

Destiny, child...
What's up?
You in da house?
Sho' 'nough!
We'll break these flatscans off, X-Girl style

Girls of X, Charlie,
Independant muties,
No one else can scare me,
Rogue-y's X-Girls

Oh, all X-Women, who independant,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Honies, who makin' money,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Mamas, who beat down malas,
Throw your hands up at me,
All X-Ladies, who truly feel me,
Throw your hands up at me

Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that,
Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that

Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that,
Girl, I didn't know you could throw down like that,
Rogue-y how your X-Girls throw down like that

ok so that wasn't all that funny. But

What If... The X-Men Wore Spandex
In The X-Movie?


"Back to Charlie with the pissing kids story," said an African-American guy in a business suit in front of a large group of people holding various signs, as the camera faded into a new scene where a brown-haired man sat, crossing his legs and starting to speak.

"Thanks, weather guy from DC who's name no one cares! As you know, the X-Men movie - the top-selling movie this summer - has put the fear of God into many of the 21st century's youth because of Wolverine's similarities to Pikachu. Kids are pissing their brains out at the sight of the movie monstrosity, causing many theaters to come under federal quarantine due to excessiv

 

I honestly don't know what to say to that one. Where is that all from?

Here's a couple of jokes for the masses...

A group of four nuns die in a car wreck and are at the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. Saint Peter tells them that before they can get into heaven they must be fully cleansed. He tells them that if any part of their body has touched a man's penis they must dip it into the vat of holy water by the gate.

The first nun walks up, says she has touched a man's penis with her finger, she dips her finger into the holy water and goes on into heaven.

The second nun admits that she has held a man's penis, dips her whole hand into the holy water and goes through the gate.

Then Saint Peter hears this commotion and sees the last two nuns fighting, one nun turns to Saint Peter and says, "I was about to gargle in that holy water when this b***h stuck her a** in it!!!"

Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Female
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Male
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

 

ohh have i caught thee speechless? hmmm the web site to them is on my bio. when u get there click on humor then u r there



Body Talk

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."

 

"Ah! A-ha! I see!", said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Here's a good marriage one, and I'll see what else I've got up my sleeve...

Once upon a time a woman died and went to heaven. When she reached the Pearly Gates she was met by St. Peter. She said, "Am I in heaven?" He said, "Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates." "Do I get to come in?" asked the woman. St. Peter said, "Yes, if you can spell a word." "What word?" "Any word." She said, "OK, I'll spell love." She did and she was allowed to enter. A few minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, "I have to leave for a minute. Would you watch the gate?" She looked astonished and said, "You want me to watch the gate?" St. Peter said, "Yes." She asked, "What do I do if someone comes up?" He replied, "Just what I did. Ask them to spell a word." As she stood looking around at all the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was shocked! He walked up to the gates. "What happened?" the wife asked. "Well," the husband replied, "I was so upset after your funeral that on the way home I had an accident and died. Am I in heaven?" "You are at the Pearly Gates," she said. "Do I get to come in?" he asked "Yes, but you have to spell a word," she said. "What word?" he asked. "Czechoslovakia," she replied.

Another Blonde Joke
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunny sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunny sacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said "Potatoes."

 

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

The Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, ?I know the whole truth? -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, ?I know the whole truth.? His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, ?Just don't tell your father.?

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, ?I know the whole truth.? The father promptly hands him $40 and says, ?Please don't say a word to your mother.?

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, ?I know the whole truth.? The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, ?Then come give your FATHER a big hug.?

 

Here's a bit of a racier one for you...

A little boy gets home from school one day to find his father sitting on the couch in his boxers. The little boy looks at his dad and says, "What does screwing mean?"

The father can't believe he's just heard this, but says to the boy, "I knew this day would come, and as a matter of fact, I'm ready for it." He takes the boy upstairs, where he and the wife had just finished having a bout of afternoon nookie. He leans over and says to his son, "See that little hole between mommy's legs?"

The boy says, "Yes, daddy."

The father pounds his fist on his chest and says, "Watch me." Into the bedroom he goes for round 2 with mom.

A short time later, the boy's sister gets home. She goes up the stairs and asks the little boy what mommy and daddy are doing. The little boy looks at her like she doesn't know anything. He says to her," They're screwin'." And follows that up with a knowing wink.

She asks him what that means; so he grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her around to where she can see mommy and daddy going hot and heavy at it.

He says to her, "See that little hole between daddy's legs?"

"Watch me."

 

What?!? Nobody has posted any more jokes lately?!? [face_shocked]

Well, here's one for the entertainment of all...

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse just called."

 

that was pretty good have i been falling behind on my duties? sorry had some other things going on.



WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN


"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."


"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."


"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."


"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."


"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"


"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.


"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
· "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."


"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."


"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."


"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."


"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."


"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."


"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."


"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."


"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."


"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"


"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."


"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."


"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."


"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."


"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."


"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."


"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."


"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."


"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."


"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."


"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."


"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"


"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Rea

 

THE PERFECT MAN

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay

 

OMG! All this men bashing! [face_shocked] And to think, I actually do the dishes for my fiance and cook half of the time. And let's not forget the trash, lord knows if I didn't do that the apartment would stink to high heaven.

I'm just having some fun with you guys. Don't think I took offense or anything like that.

Here's one I found at a strange website. The jokes are the only reason to go there so I won't even bother to mention it...

Bill & Hillary had Al & Tipper Gore over for dinner at the White House. In the middle of dinner, Al excused himself to use the restroom. After a couple of minutes he returned. They finished dinner and left. On the way home, Al turned to Tipper and said, "Did you know Bill has a Gold Urinal in his bathroom? How can we tell the American people we are serious about cutting the Budget when the President has a Gold Urinal?" Tipper said, "There must be some mistake, I'll call Hillary when we get home and find out." They arrive home and Tipper calls Hillary and says, "Is it true that Bill has a Gold Urinal in his bathroom?" Hillary puts her hand over the receiver and says, "Hey Bill, I found out who pissed in your Saxophone.