Omaha, NE Up town? Nooooo, Downtown...

Discussion in 'Mid West Regional Discussion' started by ImperialRecruiter, May 11, 2002.

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  1. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    lol That is pretty nasty. Male bashing? I can't speak for anyone else but it seems to be a pretty good week to male bash.

    Here is a little one that i'm sure all women could use sometime


    Dear _______________,

    I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

    I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

    (Check those that apply)

    1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

    2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

    3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

    4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

    5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

    6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have way too much time on your hands!

    7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

    8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

    9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

    10. ___You have a hairy back.

    11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

    12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

    13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

    14. ___You still live with your parents.

    15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Wars uniforms a little disconcerting.

    16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

    17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

    18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

    19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

    20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

    Sincerely, _________________________________

  2. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Here's one that I thought was pretty funny...

    A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh** when you hear the price."
  3. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1

    * If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

    * Woman don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    * The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

    * Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

    * A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

    * If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.

    * Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

    * A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

    * Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

    * Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

    * Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.

    * Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.

    * There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

    * Men are like animals, messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

    * Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.

    * There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".

    * Husbands are like children. They're fine if they're someone else's.

  4. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Oh! Cut us guys some slack for cryin' out loud! :_| Just because I'm slowly going bald doesn't mean... Oh, I guess it does. [face_laugh] What's sad is that I got my hair cut yesterday and realized exactly how thin it is up there when wet. [face_shocked] Oh well, at least I'm not impotent. 8-}

    Here's a joke for you...

    The old Pope dies and, naturally, goes to Heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour of the establishment, he's told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient, original texts of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. For ages, his scholarly studies keep him quietly absorbed, until one day, all of a sudden there comes an almighty scream from the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering despairingly, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offers him comfort and enquires what has distressed him so.

    After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ~ the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
  5. Rogue_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 29, 2002
    star 1
    yeah yeah yeah

    Bullfight Buffet

    A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
    The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

    The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

    And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

  6. ImperialRecruiter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 4
    Is reviving an old thread okay? If it is then...

    A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
    "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
    "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
    "So then?" asked the doctor.
    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
    "So then?"
    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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