Saga Vader's Blog: The Rest of the Story -Humor, AU *Updated 3/15/13* (Smoke)

lol

Darth Vader, I hopes you aren't lying to these poor women .

 

It started with an appearance on Okra, a highly respected talk show. Okra asked him about the relationship with Sabe and he started jumping up and down, pounding his fists, swinging his lightsaber about, talking about how he?s never been so in love, blah, blah, blah, . . .

Then out of the blue he starts ripping on me about my use of anti-depressants and the Dark Side of the Force following the loss of my wife.



ah that was just brilliant! Cruise will never be able to live that down.

*dies laughing*

*is reborn* Palpy getting carjacked, Palpys charity organisation...

Vader's date..... hahahahah!!!

and did I mention the bumper stickers?

Haunting you has proved so much fun already!!

You are a wonderful writer, and I eagerly await updates. Please put me on the PM list.

 

Subject: Holiday Party
Security: Public
Mood: Hung over

Earlier tonight was the annual holiday party at the Emperor's Retreat. Officially, celebrating Life Day is strictly forbidden, but unofficially Palpatine uses it as an excuse to get liquored up and have his servants lavish him with gifts. According to his public relations people, the holiday coincides with several other holidays celebrated by low-level lifeforms on their backwater planets. The PR lackeys have informed us that it is politically incorrect to refer to it as a Life Day party and that we must call it a holiday gathering.

Regardless of what we call it, it is an exercise in frivolity. Instead of using the time as a military strategy planning session to hunt down the Rebel Alliance, I am made to endure round after round of already incompetent military officers "entertaining" us with karaoke. This year I was forced to endure the musical offerings of Palpatine singing a tribute to General Grievous in, "I left my heart in Utapau." I use the word "singing" lightly. What he does is more akin to the screeching one hears from two cats as they engage in a brutal mating ritual.

That pretty boy Veers, on the other hand, for all of his military training is also quite an accomplished vocalist. However, it was all I could do to restrain myself when he dedicated his version of "Hunk of Burning Love" to me. Despite the insult, Veers has his uses, so I let him live?for now, anyway.

Apparently there was a little more Corellian Ale in the egg nog than I had expected. By the end of the night, I found myself serenading the partygoers with my tribute to Dooku, "All I Want for Life Day is my Two Hands."

My head is throbbing something awful and my mouth is drier than usual. I still have the unenviable task of trying to find something to give the old man for Life Day, but that can wait until tomorrow. Tonight I have to find a way to get rid of this hangover while I watch "How the Sith Stole Life Day."

Until Next time?

Vader out.

 

Apparently there was a little more Corellian Ale in the egg nog than I had expected. By the end of the night, I found myself serenading the partygoers with my tribute to Dooku, "All I Want for Life Day is my Two Hands."

Can somebody please give him a hand!

Good job, Bale!

I wonder what Vader will find to give to Palpy?

 

LOL

 

That pretty boy Veers, on the other hand, for all of his military training is also quite an accomplished vocalist. However, it was all I could do to restrain myself when he dedicated his version of "Hunk of Burning Love" to me. Despite the insult, Veers has his uses, so I let him live?for now, anyway.



Apparently there was a little more Corellian Ale in the egg nog than I had expected. By the end of the night, I found myself serenading the partygoers with my tribute to Dooku, "All I Want for Life Day is my Two Hands."



Wonderful work, my Master. *bows*

I look forward to the next part.

Ani-maniac

 

I was thrilled to see that you have updated!!!


Loved the song titles!!!

Please PM me when you update.

 

Subject: Holiday Lights
Security: Public
Mood: angry, as usual

My head still hurts, but not nearly as much as it did last night. Fortunately, I managed to catch most of "How the Sith Stole Life Day." I fell asleep before the end, but that's okay. For those that haven't seen it, I'll tell you how it ends. After nearly ruining Life Day for everyone by stealing their gifts and decorations, the sinister Sith Lord is confronted by a young boy that turns out to be his long lost son. The boy tells him that his one wish is to have a happy Life Day with his father. So the Sith gets all choked up, returns the items he stole and spends a merry Life Day with his son. This evil Dark Lord of the Sith is "redeemed" by his son. Come on! Like that's believable! Give me a break.

Anyway, I digress. I still need to get the Emperor his gifts, so this morning I was trying to get ready to head out for a day of shopping when Palps called me. Apparently, he wants the Retreat decorated for the holidays, but he can't be bothered with such tasks. So guess who got the honor? Yep, you guessed it, yours truly.

I was already peeved at having my day rudely interrupted and things didn't get any better. I stepped off of the shuttle and there were some kids playing in the snow and having a snowball fight. Supposedly, it was an "errant" snowball that hit me. But hey, I don't take that kind of abuse, especially not from some snot-nosed youngling. So I did what any respectable Sith would do. I used the Force to hit them with their own snowballs then proceeded to use their snowman to brush up on my lightsaber skills. Happy Life Day brats!

Then, I got to the retreat and spent the better part of two hours putting up the Life Day tree and decorations. I was pretty impressed with myself. Even as a Sith I'll proudly confess that it was a thing of beauty. But then, all of a sudden, the lights starting blinking and flashing. There was some popping and smoking, and the lights started going out. Whose brilliance invented these contraptions?! One light goes out, and they all go out! After nearly catching the tree on fire, I finally gave up and just used some Force Crystals to decorate it. They give it a nice sithly red glow that's just perfect for the holidays, if you ask me.

I'm going to get my shopping done, with any luck, finally.

Vader out.

 

HAHA sounds like ROTJ there!

 

I finally gave up and just used some Force Crystals to decorate it. They give it a nice sithly red glow that's just perfect for the holidays, if you ask me.


very...sithly of him wonder what he is going to get Palpy??

 

Heeheehee.....

"This year I was forced to endure the musical offerings of Palpatine singing a tribute to General Grievous in, "I left my heart in Utapau.""

Oh no.......LOL!

"Hunk of Burning Love" !!!!!!!

Choke...gasp

"This evil Dark Lord of the Sith is "redeemed" by his son. Come on! Like that's believable! Give me a break."

Snicker, snicker...

"I used the Force to hit them with their own snowballs then proceeded to use their snowman to brush up on my lightsaber skills. ''

Heeheehee.....haaahaaa.....snort!

See what you do to me!?

 

My head still hurts, but not nearly as much as it did last night. Fortunately, I managed to catch most of "How the Sith Stole Life Day." I fell asleep before the end, but that's okay. For those that haven't seen it, I'll tell you how it ends. After nearly ruining Life Day for everyone by stealing their gifts and decorations, the sinister Sith Lord is confronted by a young boy that turns out to be his long lost son. The boy tells him that his one wish is to have a happy Life Day with his father. So the Sith gets all choked up, returns the items he stole and spends a merry Life Day with his son. This evil Dark Lord of the Sith is "redeemed" by his son. Come on! Like that's believable! Give me a break.

That is just too funny, Bale!

Who'd ever believe a father could be redeeemed by his son?

After nearly catching the tree on fire, I finally gave up and just used some Force Crystals to decorate it. They give it a nice sithly red glow that's just perfect for the holidays, if you ask me.

Perfect for me, too!

Happy Life Day, Bale, and thanks for a real treat!

 

please pm me

 

Heh? I just read all of this, Bale, and it's quite interesting. Nice work.

KT

 

OMG!!! I just found this tonight, and nearly choked on the whole cat-duel scene!! tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny!!

 

After nearly ruining Life Day for everyone by stealing their gifts and decorations, the sinister Sith Lord is confronted by a young boy that turns out to be his long lost son. The boy tells him that his one wish is to have a happy Life Day with his father. So the Sith gets all choked up, returns the items he stole and spends a merry Life Day with his son. This evil Dark Lord of the Sith is "redeemed" by his son. Come on! Like that's believable! Give me a break.


*falls over laughing*

This is wonderful Master!

Ani-maniac

 

Well that was sooo good I don't know where to start?

From frozen buns to bumper stickers to cats and the valet thing. I almost sent in my date information.

Good work please post again soon.

 

Response to ad, from Chaka Zarol at huntingqueen@bountyhuntermail.net

Gender: Female
Marital Status: Single
Body Type: Tall, solid build. Very pretty.
Height: 1.77 meters
Eyes: Black as a certain Sith Lord?s armor
Hair: Same as eyes
Ethnicity: Human, medium brown skin.
Personality Type: Menacing when I?m working. But I?m told I can be very sweet?
Sense of Humor: Sharp, quick-witted, full of one-liners
Social Setting: How many people really want to hang out with an assassin/bounty hunter?
TV Watching: Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight! (AN: Bonus if anyone knows where that song quote is from!)
Smoking: Can?t afford to mess up my lungs in my line of work.
Drinking: Sometimes if work?s been rough.
Living Situation: My hunting partner and I on board our ship.
Have Kids: Not that I?m aware of
Want Kids: Not really.
Pets: Can?t have any on board. Saberblade is a working ship.
Education: Alderaan School of Dance, martial arts, Bachelors in information and technology.
Employment Status: Full-time
Occupation: Assassin/ bounty hunter.
Income: Pretty good, actually.
Religion: Agnostic. Believes in the Force.
Political Views: The Empire provides many opportunities for me to get paid.
Language: Basic, Huttese, Sullustan, TraderTalk
Interests: Piloting, hand-to-hand combat, adventure novels, anything funny, getting paid.

In My Own Words: Mi amiga Pruel needs to approve anyone I date, so ya better pass inspection. Otherwise, I?m open minded. Beach walks are good, except on Tatooine.

 

Subject: Overdue
Security: Public
Mood: Eye-strained

So I went to the Imperial Archives today to check out the box set of It’s an Ewok Life before the series finale. I wanted to re-live some great memories and catch up on some of the intricate sub-plots I may have missed over the years.

Much to my surprise I have some overdue items. They wouldn’t let me check anything out unless the items are returned immediately and the fines paid in full. Apparently the following items are way overdue:

It’s Not You, It’s Me;
The Arts of War: Why the High Ground is Important; and
The Dark Side for Dummies.

Really? Excuse me if it takes a while to get through these. It’s not easy without a lot of pictures! At least put some pop-ups in there. Maybe if you’d carry more large-print versions I could return these precious artifacts to the archives on time!

Good news, though. I’ve moved up to number two on the wait list for Help for the Bed-wetting Sith.

Gotta run, show’s coming on.

Vader out.

 

Subject: Smoke
Security: Public
Mood: Oppressed

A short while ago smoke rose from the Imperial Palace. Some took this as a sign that a conclave had been convened to choose a new Emperor that would free us at last from the yoke of oppression.

Indeed a conclave had been convened. By conclave I mean Palps got himself locked in a bathroom stall…again. The smoke as it turns out was not a sign of a new hope, but was the old man using primitive methods to call for help. Apparently after flushing his phone down the toilet he resorted to Force Lightning to set the room on fire. Unfortunately for the galaxy the 501st arrived in time to free him from his predicament.

Ever the self-promoter, now he’s on the holo claiming it was a terrorist attack and announced that he has re-elected himself Emperor and taken the titles:

His Holiness, Supreme Galactic Overlord, Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith, Supreme Pontiff, Archbishop of Imperial Center, Vicar of The Sith’ari, Leader of the Cosmos, Author of Order 66, and All Around Nice Guy.

I hate that man. Sometimes I wish he’d fall down a shaft and die.

Vader out.