Vector Prime humorous version -SPOILERS

[that was a bit on the, um, raw side for me.]


LMM: "Giving Tyers to green light to solicit fan opinion openly was a masterful stroke."
CDRO: "Yes, her idea was a good one. It gives the fans that warm fuzzy feeling that we actually care."
LMM: "Letting her go public with the info that our first choice for VP scribe fell through was risky, but paid off in the end, I think."
CDRO: "We may have suffered a little in the credibility department, admitting that one of our authors wasn't up to the task, but overall, I agree, it was good."
LMM: "She took up that '1000 page info dump' comment that one of our forum allies put forth and ran with it."
CDRO: "Oh, I was so pleased, too."
LMM: "I couldn't have spun any better myself!"
CDRO: "It gave credibility to our allies' mischaracterizations and further distanced the critics as being unreasonable."
LMM: "She does seem to be getting a little too cozy with the fans sometimes with those spontaneous eruptions of LUKE RULES."
(Both wrinkle their noses and say) "Eeww!"
CDRO: "Agh! She's just like them. Isn't the ILM implant supposed to suppress that kind of behavior?"
LMM: "Maybe she got the fan version. You know, the kind that we put in our fan operatives."
CDRO: "Well, I suppose it's alright as long as she doesn't reveal any unapproved corporate secrets."
LMM: "We are testing a new Passive Restrainst System on her too."
CDRO: "Oh, really?"
LMM: "The implant senses when unapproved thoughts and secrets are being transferred from the thought areas of the brain to the speech areas."
CDRO: "I'm with ya so far."
LMM: "When the alarm bells are triggered, a gag automatically inflates."
CDRO: (gleefully) "And she can't say anything!"
LMM: (proudly) "Early trials have proven very effective."
CDRO: "Excellent! We should consider rolling it out to the rest of the group, especially RAS and MAS."
LMM: "That's the plan. The lab boys have even taken to calling it a MAS-inhibitor."**


[If you are still reading this Kathy, sorry, I couldn't resist.]


** Really obscure, bad pun! There is a class of drugs known as MAO inhibitors.


[This message has been edited by Jades Fire (edited 02-04-2000).]

 

There is now an Onslaught Humorous Version. I haven't figured out how to thread-link, so you'll have to hunt.

 

Back on Naboo, our heroes are wondering what just hit them...
Mara: (to Luke) "What WAS that?"
Luke: (sighing) "I think we just had a stealth visit from one of the authors of Guri's multitudinous underground fanfics..."
Mara: "You think?"
Luke: "Yeah. One of the give-aways is using ?u' and ?ur' for ?you' and ?your'--they're all like that..."
Mara: (casually) "So how many of ?em have you read, there, kid?"
Luke: "Um...not many..."
Mara: "So do they always make Guri completely passive...?"
Luke: "If they're written by frustrated 15-year-old males, they do. That's the point."
Mara: "And the rest?"
Luke: "Well, the machine-gun-in-the-brassiere bit is absolutely standard..."
Mara: "I'm absolutely sure I want to know no more..."

 

Uhmmm...I agree with Jades Fire about NT
Meanwhile, back in hyperspace....
Aves: I won!
Talon: No, you didn't.
Aves: Yes I did.
Talon: No, you didn't. 4 queens is over 21, and therefore I win.
Aves: Huh? We're playing Go Fish!
Talon: No, we're playing sabacc.
Aves: But I don't know how to play sabacc! Ann didn't describe it that well!
Talon: That's besides the point! We're playing sabacc!
Aves: No we aren't!
Talon: Yes we- say, you just gave me a good idea.
Aves: We're going to play Go Fish?
Talon: No. About rescueing Luke and Mara...
Aves: Yes....
Talon: If they screwed up Mara, they musta screwed up Han, don't ya think?
Aves: Possible.
Talon: Very. 2 great writers are better than just one, so lets-
Aves whining: Not now! I wanna meet Luke!
Talon: Shuttup. But your right. There aren't that many good writers, but...they've probably all been manipulated by LMM.
Aves: I forget, what's LMM?
Talon: Something like Lucasfilm Managment Minion.
Aves: Close enough.
Talon: Yeah, sure kid.
Aves: Shouldn't we be out of hyperspace soon?
Talon: Yup. Next post.

 

Actually, Zaz, I'm 26, never wrote about Guri (I did have my Leia turned into an HRD* however), and would rather kiss a Wookiee than use "u" or "ur". You were right about the male part though.

* The stock symbol for the company I work for. Which could answer a lot of questions about my boss.

And now back to....
Naboo, Naboo, Naboo
The planet where I quite want to be.
For hunting or fishing or camping
Or just for watching TV.
It's so near to Umgul,
So far from Belkadan.
Let's hope George won't blow it
Up like Alderaan.
Naboo, Naboo, Naboo.
Naboo has it all!

(If you would like to know more about Naboo, why not call Mr. and Mrs. Smedley of Kuat City. They can tell you all you want to know, and show you their collection of Gungan poetry.)

 

They came out of hyperspace seeking the Jeid Master. They came from Earth to save the Jedi Master. They hope to find the Jedi Master. They traveled from another world to find the Jedi Master....

And now they're lost, looking for directions at a refueling station.

Talon: So I hang a left at the asteroid belt, head straight on for about 10 light years-
Gas station flight attendent: Yeah, pretty much.
Aves mumbling: I get stuck with the one pilot who can't read a starchart...
Talon: I heard that.
GSFA: Uh, sir, I understand that you're in the info biz.
Talon: That's right, m'boy.
GSFA: Uhmm...could you tell me where all the major characters have gone? LMMs have offered a lot of money to whoever-
Talon: Now wait a minute. Last time I checked, I was a major character.
GSFA: You don't have a book.
Talon: Neither does...someone. Now lookee here-
Aves: Can we please get going? We've got to find Luke!
Talon: Shutup!

 

Grand Admiral Thrawn stared as sat in the bowels of the damn Star Destroyer over the service station in the middle of Nowhere. Literally.

"I cannot believe we're lost Pelleaon." he spoke as he stared at his second in command.

"Well EXXXXCCCUUUUUUSE me Grand Admiral if all the star charts in the ship correspond to the galaxy map in Vector Prime. It doesn't even MAKE SENSE half the time!"

"Half the time? That is being generous." Thrawn muttered as he watched another segment of the dancing Palpatine chorus on HBO.

"I thought the Emperor was supposed to be a villian of this fiction." Pelleaon stared as Sideous did the hustle.

"This is a not often posted to round robin Pelleaon. Frankly I'm surprised the Emperor doesn't have a saxophon..." Thrawn stopped as he looked at the view monitor now having the Emperor wearing shades doing a saxaphone duet with soon to be ex-president Bill Clinton.

"I've lost all respect for the man." The Grand Admiral shook his head.

"Which one?" Pelleaon asked.

"How are our passengers?" Grand Admiral Thrawn spoke as he sighed. Trying to avoid the question.

"Daala and Callista are debating why the hell they got the worst romance arcs in the galaxy, Xizor is realizing very slowly that a blue manipulative alien is not every woman's idea of a fantasy..." Pelleaon spoke as Thrawn stared at him...DEEPLY.

"Ahem." The Grand Admiral said.

"Present company excepted of course." Admiral Pelleaon winced. "It's just...I always read you as kinduv celebate and married to your job?"

"Like Luke you mean?" Thrawn stared.

"You don't mean..." Pellaeon stared.

"Yes...damnnit why didn't *I* have a love interest?! They gave Xizor, Palpatine, Tarkin, what is with DA BOSS and giving the ugliest men in the galaxy dangerous beutiful women?!" Thrawn stopped. "I'm an attractive sucessful..." Thrawn stopped as a slow realization dawned.

"I think I answered my own question." he said as Pelleaon said the same thing more or less at the same time.

Thrawn gestured over to the service station.

"Order a team down to do a data-raid for the location of Naboo." Thrawn spoke with slight self mockery.

"I'll tell them to shake it out of the attendant. I'll get some Slim Jims and a few liters of Surge too."

"Make it Mr. Pibb I hate being wired when I command."

***

[This message has been edited by Charlemagne (edited 02-05-2000).]

 

[That wasn't aimed at you, Opie, unless NightTraveller is one of your aliases, and from what you said, I assume not...]

LMM and CDRO are discussing the latest spin on the PR front with MAS, whose attitudes have been...um...suitably adjusted...
LMM: (to MAS) "Now, we want you to go on the ?net and do some posting..."
MAS: "You're kidding, right? That's for the estrogen brigade...I'm cool...I don't do forums..."
CDRO hits his implant remote...
MAS: "Accckkkkk....I shall post on the nets, master...what do you want me to say?"
CDRO: "Well, there's a thread that praises ?Onslaught' at the expense of ?VP'...we want you to go in there and object to it...do a little s--t-kicking, be humble..."
LMM's minion (to his minion) "Now THERE's ?Mission Impossible'...."
CDRO: "After all, we have a lot investing in selling RAS's back numbers...we don't need any further criticism of him..."
LMM's minion: "Especially as it's really criticism of them..."
LMM: "Once you object, Darkly will close it...he doesn't believe in free speech, anyway..."
MAS: "Accckkkk...your wish is my command..."
CDRO: "But there's another thread that we want you to stop, as soon as possible...some malcontent actually brought up the inflated prices of the books...this is absolutely unacceptable..."
MAS: "Acccckkk...yes, master..."
CDRO: "Now one of the estrogen-ingenues have been recruited to confuse the issue with a lot of irrelevant information about type-setting..."
LMM: "Which one...?"
CDRO: "The one that thinks ?piqued' is spelt ?peaked'..."
LMM: "Oh, her..."
CDRO: "Now, we hoped to spread the word that the fans should feel that they should have to pay more for a good book..."
LMM's minion (to his minion): "Now there's a dangerous concept...at that rate each copy of VP should've cost 49 cents each...."
CDRO: "We want you to go on the net and say you get royalties..."
LMM's minion: "That's a barefaced..."
CDRO: "Nobody's going to ask to see the actual contract, and if they do, just say it's confidential..."
MAS: "Acccckkkk...yes, master...."
CDRO: "But we need to shut down that thread before anyone asks the $64,000 question..."
LMM's minion: "Which is, of course, how much does each book--a mini-paperback with chintzy paper, miniscule print and spines that crack five milliseconds after you buy it--actually cost to produce? About 20 cents each would probably not go over well..."
CDRO: "We'll get Darkly to assure the faithful that we at Del Rey price our paperbacks at the same rate...this is so important, we'll make him bold the information..."
LMM's minion: "Yeah, they're ALL overpriced..."
CDRO: "If anybody DOES ask, just bring up shipping costs...do NOT bring up the huge amount of money spent on hype..."
CDRO: "We're sure your appearance will suspend everybody's critical faculties, anyway..."
LMM's minion: "They hope..."
CDRO: "As a gratuity for your co-operation, we'll arrange for a plug of your other stuff...so shamelessly spin-like it'd make a shill blush...we guarantee it..."
MAS: "Accckkk...thank you, master..."
CDRO whining)"I hate it when the fans bring up questions like this!...why can't they just confine themselves to asking where you get your ideas...?"
LMM: "At least they seem to like this book..."
CDRO: (ominously) "Who cares? We bought the franchise to move our other stock...not Bantam's...you won't see another huge ad campaign for this one..."


[This message has been edited by Zaz (edited 02-07-2000).]

 

Luke and Mara walked through the main square in front of the palace. After fighting off the V.2s, who had retreated to take part in Onslaught, the two were enjoying some time together. A roar echoed through the square. Both dropped into defensive stances, hands on sabers, as a swoop roared into the square and skidded to a stop inches from the two Jedi. The two figures on board pull off their helmets.

Luke stared at the sight before him.

Luke: Uncle Owen?!?!

Perched at the front of the swoop sat his uncle, the man who had always been holding him back, not letting him live his dream. Now he was dressed, not in his normal, simple, farmer's clothes, but in a lot of black leather and chains.

Owen: (chewing on some gum) Hey, Luke. (eyeing Mara) So this is why you left the NJO, huh?
Luke: (looking nervous as Mara's eyes narrow) Uh, yeah. What are you two doing here?
Beru: (from her perch behind Owen, similarly attired) Well, everyone was leaving, you know? So we decided to, well, you know. (blushes)
Luke: (surprised) You mean you never?
Beru: (shaking her head) Why do you think you didn't have any cousins.
Mara: Makes sense to me.

Beru and Owen get touchy-feely for a moment, then turn back.

Owen: We're here to help you out, kid, Just give us a hollar.

They put their helmets on.

Beru winks at Luke.

Beru: We'll get another swoop eventually, but for now, I like being this close to him.

She wraps her arms around Owen. Revving the engine, he shoots away back to the city.

Luke stares after them for a moment.

Mara: Luke? Are you okay?
Luke: (shudders) I think I'm too young even for that.

They return to the base to continue plotting against the NJO, LMMs, DROs, and the rest of the alpahbet soup.

 

[Gosh, diddly darn-nit Zaz, you beat me to it!!! LOL! I hate it when RL interferes with my posting! I'll post it anyway, continuity be dammed.]


Back at the ranch, the Del Rey Overlord is proudly striding down one of the long halls to his tiny cubicle reflecting on the postitive reactions to the latest book. Behind him, he hears some screaming. The LMM is running towards him, frantically waving his arms over his head. The CDRO stops and waits for the LMM to reach him. The LMM is huffing and puffing mightily since he's not used to that kind of physical exertion. He looks very pained, almost as if he's going to pass out.

LMM: (takes a deep breath) "Stackpole has started posting on the forums!"
CDRO: (absently) "So?"
LMM: "You know how he likes to run on... (gasp for breath) He'll say something embarassing... (gasp) The implant must be defective again... (gasp) We have to recall him to fix it!"
CDRO: "Don't worry. I gave him permission to start actively posting."
LMM: "What? Why? And why wasn't I consulted!?"
CDRO: "First, I couldn't find you so I made an executive decision."
LMM: "Your getting pretty bold lately aren't you! Nevermind."
CDRO: Secondly, ever since Kathy decloaked, the fans have gone out of their way to be nice to her."
LMM: "Yeah. So? She worships Zahn as much as they do. She fits right in."
CDRO: "Well, I figured if Mike started posting, the fans would be nice to him too."
LMM: "Okay, I can see it."
CDRO: "Plus, I think that the fans will refrain from giving their real opinion of the book knowing that the author is actively posting, as opposed to lurking."
LMM (now breathing normally) "Well, I suppose you are right. Anything to blunt criticism."
CDRO: "He's already derided a topic as being tacky."
LMM: "You think they'll think twice about posting something negative because he's around?"
CDRO: "Precisely!"


[PS: Good one Ping. LOL!]

[This message has been edited by Jades Fire (edited 02-07-2000).]

 

Late one evening at an elementary school building near the ranch, the LMM and CDRO have gathered all the forum operatives together. The spinmeisters want to go over conduct for minimizing negative press and attitudes on the message forums. The release of the latest book has stirred up some controversy again. The forum operatives are milling about the room in strange costumes.

LMM: (clapping his hands) "Okay, kids. Let's take our seats."
CDRO: "Nosentz, put away your Mara and Luke action figures. You know that kind of behavior is not allowed."
Nosentz: (sullenly) "Okay, I was just pretending though."
LMM: (to another operative) "I see you have created some Pong creatures by disfiguring some of your action figures."
CDRO: "While that is laudable, put them away for now son."
LMM: "Don't worry, we will be talking with our manufacturers. We'll create a line of NJO toys in a year or two."

LMM: (to all) "Alrighty then. We've gathered you here today because we need to update your spin cycle."
CDRO: (to all) "Reaction to Onslaught has been overwhelmingly postive."
(Mutterings in the audience of "It rocked." "It Rules!")
LMM: "Unfortunately, people are now comparing Onslaught and VP."
LMM's minion: (to his minion) "People have realized how badly VP sucked."
LMM: "We need you, our allies, to continue to praise VP."
LMM's minion: "I don't know how they can be so blind."
LMM's minion's minion: "Blind to what sir?"
LMM's minion: "Blind to the onslaught of comparisons. Everyone can see it, why can't they?"
LMM: "Here are some sample phrases for you to use to blunt criticism."
CDRO: "A logical extension of the foundation set up by RAS."
LMM: "A perfect continuation of the events set in motion by RAS."
CDRO: "It's not appropriate to compare them because they served different purposes."
(A slight pause, otherwise the geeks will continue writing, thinking the spin phrases will continue.)
LMM: "Please don't deviate from the script."
CDRO: "Unless you get approval from one of us first."
LMM: "A chat has been scheduled for later in the week."
CDRO: "We need you to get in there and suck-up like a Hoover."
LMM: "Remember the official adjective?"
(The gathered audience yells "AWESOME.")
LMM: "Dismissed."
CDRO: "There is bubble gum and candy at the door when you leave."


[This message has been edited by Jades Fire (edited 02-09-2000).]

 

Back in Hollywood, Nom Nom is passing on techniques he learned from the DRO Overlords and LMMs to his faithful group of Pong...
Nom Nom: "Now look, it's not enough for us to advertise my performance in ?Galaxy Quest' in my Oscar campaign--you have to bad-mouth the opposition...just ask Star Trek..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Now I want you to start a nasty rumor that that kid's performance was put together in the editing room..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "You can casually mention on ?net the fate of the last two child winners...like who's heard of Tatum O'Neill or Anna Paquin lately?"
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "As for Tom Cruise...well, revive the rumors about his marriage..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Point out that his performance in "Eyes Wide Shut" was really lame, despite mountains of hype..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Maybe I should write a short promotional self-help book....call it "Everything I Know I Learned at Del Rey'..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Okay...you may fan me now..."
The Pong dutifully wave their palm fronds in tandem...
Nom Nom: "You may serenade me as well..."
All: (singing) "Look for--the Un-ion Lay-bel..."
Nom Nom: "Not that! Something more...upbeat!"
All: (singing) "Hooray for Hol-LEE-wood...!"
Nom Nom: (happily) "Music to my ears..."

Back on Naboo, Luke is still reeling from his encounter with Owen and Beru...
Luke (to Mara): "Gawd, that's so weird..."
Mara: "What...the black leather...?"
Luke: "No..."
Mara: "The chains?"
Luke: "No..."
Mara: "What, then?"
Luke: "Them having...well, you know...I don't wanna even think about it..."
Mara: "Get over it, Luke...how do you think kids are born...?"
Luke: "According to DB, all the children in the EU are virgin births. They only happen if plot points demand it...Zahn created the twins for HTTE as a plot device, and the hack du jour that wrote "Dark Empire" did the same because a baby was required there for the cliches to be the right order..."
Mara: "You're joking..."
Luke: (simply) "Midi-chlorians."
Mara: (sighing) "Okay, so you're not joking..."
Luke: "I'm not looking forward to Episode II, if you get my meaning...would you want to see a love scene written by DB?"
Mara: "Not if I could do something really important instead...like washing my hair..."

 

sorry, I just had to put this incredible piece of ff back near the top so I could find it again.

 

I agree, DC, uppers!

 

LMM was called onto the Sail Barge of Da Boss which was hovering lopsidedly over the Marin County country side. LMM made his way up the sloping deck towards the throne of fatboy..er...Da Boss who was on a donut binge this morning.
LMM swallowed his throat dry, fear ran deep within him, when fatboy was hungry he tended to devour anything in his sight, when it came to pastry DB was ravenous and would swallow them like an intern with the President.
LMM took a deep breath huffed his the remainder of the way up the deck and came into the presence of fatboy who was dressed in the golden bikini of Princess Leia from RotJ. He was doing jumping jacks and had a cruller in each hand. When asked in interviews why DB tended to wear such an elaborate outfit, the DB often responded with "It makes me feel pretty".
LMM kneels before DB

LMM: What is thy bidding my master?
DB: Send the fleet to the far side of Malibu. There it will stay until called for.
LMM: What of the reports of the Rebel Fleet massing near Naboo?
DB: It is of no concern. Soon the Rebellion will be crushed...(DB sets his donut down for a minute)...Your work here is finished my friend.
LMM: Shall I go out to the command ship and await your orders?
DB: WHat makes you think I was going to say that?
LMM: Um...You have a tendency to reuse old plotlines again and again and...
DB: SILENCE! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ HAS SPOKEN!

LMM backed up several feet in fear that DB would devour him like a cruller...LMM urinated a puddle on the deck...luckily the deck was tilted back so the urine just flowed off of the deck.

DB: I have a new task for you...The V2's are out there performing their originals dutys in Onslaught....The Originals must die...Thus I order you to return to Limbo and seek out a commando team to whipe them out.
LMM: Yes sir, I think we can have Wraith Squadron out of mothballs in--
DB: THOSE SECOND RATE CLOWNS---ER CLONES OF ROGUE SQUADRON! NEVER! We need a group with real hatred..with a real reason to bring down the Classic characters...
LMM: I cannot possibly imagine-
DB: Of course you cant imagine, you work for me IMAGINATION IS PROHIBITED HERE!
LMM: Yes my master...

LMM crawls into the urine puddle groveling at DBs feet.

DB: We need to bring back the dregs of the EU...characters so lamented and looked down upon that they have absolutely no chance of EVER appearing in a NJO novel--
LMM: Oh you mean KJA characters dont you?
DB: Excellent you learn quickly my young friend. Go to limbo and bring back the YOUNG JEDI KNIGHTS!
LMM: They will join us or die.

DB let out a RANCOR SIZED BELCH and passes out on the deck, his bulk causing a large indentation on the floor. LMM crawls out on all fours, the urine staining his pants for all time.

***

LIMBO--

The YOUNG JEDI KNIGHTS--

ZEK, TENEL KA, LOWBACCA are all going about their morning routine. Mainly brooding that theyve become pariahs within the NJO.

ZEK: What do they have that we dont have?
TENEL KA: Jobs.
ZEK: I thought I was Jainas steady but NOOOOOOO! I just disappear like I never existed at all...And just think...I almost kissed that girl!
TENEL KA: I did kiss Jacen.
ZEK: On the cheek.
TENEL KA: He may have gotten further with me but on my worlds the men kiss the women on the lips first.
ZEK: On a female dominated world? The men make the first move?
TENEL KA: Yes...But I did not say which lips they kiss.
LOWIE: (wookie howls)
TENEL KA: What would you know Lowie, your girlfriend would rather maroon herself on a moon with a diseased Twi'lek woman than spend five minutes with you.
ZEK: DOnt feel bad Lowie at least she acknowledges your existence...And after all I did for the EU you would think we would get a cameo in NJO.
TENEL KA: What all did you do?
ZEK: Well I..I..
TENEL KA: YOu betrayed all of us and turned to the dark side of the Force...You joined the Shadow Academy and invaded Yavin 4...You killed several Padawan and then blew up the temple...
ZEKK: True....But hey Kyp Durron effed up far more than me and they made him a Jedi Master.
TENEL KA: This is a fact.
ZEKK: Besides we have far more to offer than

 

I'm sorry thats the first fanfic stuff I've ever done...IT SUCKED...I crapped in a good story...I'm sorry....forgive me?

 

[You could edit out the urine puddle any time soon, but otherwise, it seemed fine to me]

Meanwhile, Darkly Preposterous is making his weekly visit to his therapist, Doc Savage. Lying on the couch, he tells the good doctor of the frustrations of his job...
DP: "I dunno, Doc, I cast my pearls before swine..."
Doc: "Why do you think that?"
DP: "It's very strange...I tell them what to think on the forums...over and over...and they just ignore me!"
Doc: (soothingly) "That's shocking..."
DP: "You're telling me! (in an awestruck voice) After all, I have a BA in English..."
Doc: (interested) "Where from?"
DP: (proudly) "The Don Rickles School of Advertising...!"
Doc: "The Las Vegas campus?"
DP: "Yeah..."
Doc: "I often wondered why your spelling, grammar, and syntax is so--um, peculiar...and now I know..."
DP: "I had to muster my minions--Anathema Skypolo and StuMulligan--to do the dirty work for me. That's what I usually do, of course. Can't get MY hands dirty or anything. Luckily, there's never any shortage of available suck-ups."
Doc: "That IS lucky..."
DP: "You bet...but once the malcontents had me cornered, and I had to use my weapon of last resort..."
Doc: "What's that?"
DP: (does a voice-from-the-crypt imitation) "I know something YOU don't know..."
Doc: (kindly) "No offense, Darkly, but that's impossible. Medical tests have shown your mind to be completely empty..."
DP: (irritated) "I don't mean literally, you idiot! I mean I always say I know something important, I have inside sources, and so forth..."
Doc: "What happens if someone calls you on it...?"
DP: "I just say I can't tell..."
Doc: "Do they fall for it?"
DP: (smirking) "Every, every time..."
Doc: "They must be remarkably stupid..."
DP: (pouting) "Well, lately, they haven't been so dumb, I have to say. In fact, when I said VP was AWESOME some of those jerks actually had the gall to tell me I'm wrong! ME! I'm never wrong...never, ever..."
Doc: (taking notes) "Is that so...?"
DP: "Yes. I expect to be sucked up to, not disagreed with...that's the natural food chain...they suck up to me, I suck up to Del Rey, Del Rey sucks up to Lucasarts, and Lucasarts sucks up to Da-Boss...but if I can't deliver the numbers, Del Rey'll have me replaced...I just can't understand it...!"
Doc: (delicately) "Is it possible they're sincere in their opinions...?'
DP: (snorting) "Of course not! They just need to be shown the error of their ways. But I've shown them and shown them, and they are just too stubborn to admit I'm absolutely right in every way..."
He rises, goes to the middle of the floor, and grabs a microphone that just happens to be sitting there...Doc Savage keeps scribbling furiously...

DP: (singing)
Geeks! I don't know what's wrong with these geeks today...
Geeks! Who wants to understand anything they say...!
Geeks! They're disobedient, disrespectful oafs...!
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers...!
And while we're on the subject...

Geeks, you can talk and talk till your face is blue...!
Geeks, but they still do just what they want to do...!
Why can't they be like I am, perfect in every way?
What's the matter with geeks to-day?*

[*sung to the tune of "Kids" by Adams and Strouse]

Doc: (judiciously) "You have a remarkably bad voice..."
DP: "Your opinion doesn't matter...just mine."
Doc: (muttering) "Yes, I remember..."
DP: "I could sing another song...how about "I Think I Love Me"?
Doc: "Which one is that?"
DP: "You know, the old Partridge Family song..."
Doc: "Didn't it have slightly different lyrics?"
DP: "Not when I sing it, it doesn't..."
Doc: (muttering) "Big surprise...no, Darkly, enough music...I think I have a diagnosis..."
DP: (eagerly) "What is it?"
Doc: "You have an obsessive-compulsive simplex caused by premature weaning..."
DP: "What's that in English?"
Doc: "You're one of nature's Fascists..."
DP: "I didn't want you to diagnosis ME!!!! The geeks are the ones I wanted you to diagnosis, so I could use it against them...I'm not sick, I'm perfectly perfect....!!" He runs frantically around Doc's office waving his arms...
Doc: (deadpan) "That'

 

testing - ignore

 

[Sorry, folks, not much humor in this piece. Mostly story advancement.]

Deep within the bowels of the Dead Zone, another forgotten, dead character has awoken from a long slumber. A note was tucked into the stasis chamber. It reads, "We have left the Dead Zone and gone off to join Luke, Mara, and Han in their rebellion against the NJO. Join us when you can. -M" The character takes the first transport out of the Dead Zone to Core-u-skank, then begins looking for transport to the AU.

Meanwhile Han Solo, Chewie and Jacen are loading the last group of supplies they are smuggling to the AU. The hold is packed tight, with some of the cases being stored wherever they can find room.

Han: (to Chewie) "These cases of Corellian Whiskey sure are going to taste good."
Chewie: (grunt) "It sure will be better than the homebrew they have in the AU."
Jacen: (to both) "Can we go to Madame Lola's after we are finished?"
Han: "You just can't get enough can you? "
Jacen: "I just want to say 'Hi' to some old friends."
Han: "What happened to Guri?"
Jacen: (looks to Chewie) "We are almost finished with her reprogramming, aren't we Chewie?"
Chewie: (unenthusiastically grunts his agreement.)
Han: "Alright, we'll stop there for a few minutes..."
Jacen: (whining) "A few minutes?..."
Han: "You said you just wanted to say 'hi'."
Jacen: "That's not quite what I had in mind... But, okay."
Han: "Anyway, I want to drop in at Moe's, have a few drinks, and see if there are any new recruits."

Han, Chewie, and Jacen stop by Madame Lola's for a few minutes. Jacen says 'hi' to all his 'friends'. He's surrounded by all of them, asking him what he's been up to. Han just rolls his eyes and starts chatting with Chewie about their plans to move their smuggled merchandise. After disengaging from the crowd, Jacen goes over to where Han and Chewie are talking, then they head off to Moe's. Over at Moe's, the former Dead Zone character arrives, as word in the deep underground has it on good authority that arrangements for transport to the AU can be negotiated.

former Dead Zone Character: "I am looking for passage to the AU."
Underground Operative: "Huh? What's the AU? Don't you mean the EU?"
FDZC: "No you knucklehead. We are in the EU. I mean the AU."
UO: "Still don't know what your talking about."
FDZC: "Listen pal, I may have been dead, but I'm not stupid."
(The FDZC hands the UO some large denomination credit slips -- they grow on trees in the Dead Zone.)
FDZC: "Does that freshen your memory?"
UO: "No, but it does fatten my wallet. Let me check some things out and get back to you."

The FDZC character scowls but grudgingly agrees, then saunters over to the bar for the first taste of Corellian Whiskey in many years. Just then Han, Chewie, and Jacen come into the bar and head for the back where there are several secluded tables. As they are passing the bar, Han catches a glimpse of the former Dead Zone Character.

Han: (surprised) "Bria? Bria Tharen? Is that you?"
Bria: (nods her head, just as surprised) "Han?"
Han: "I never thought I see you again."
Bria: "I escaped from the Dead Zone after hearing of the character rebellion."
Han: (nodding to his companions) "You know Chewie, or course. And this is son Jacen."
Bria: "How are you doing Chewie? Nice to meet you Jacen."
Chewie growls a friendly greeting.
Jacen: (to Bria) "Likewise. (Jacen looks at Han and arches an eyebrow in a sly expression.)
Han: "Why don't we head back to our booth and catch up."

 

This is my first ever FF post so I deeply apologise in advance.

(The Ranch: meeting)

LMM: The V2s don't seem to have succeeded in killing off the originals so we're going to have to try a different tactic.
LMM minion: What's that? Another super weapon?
(screaming out from the murkiest, most vile depths of HRFHW (Hell reserved For Hack Writers - even by DR standards)
KJA screams: YES YES YES Let me ?? PLEASE!!!!
LMM: We'll keep it in mind but it might be time to try a more subtle and imaginative approach
CDRO: Subtle?? Imaginative??? A SW - DR fan craves not these things!
(LMM minion rolls eyes)
LMM: (suppressing snort of laughter) True, but the escaped originals in AU aren't so stupid, er? um? well they sure haven't fallen for it so far. Anyway, how about we rip off one of BDD novels. After all we haven't read them, we assume that the fans have just erased them from their EU memories, AND the characters acted like they were brain dead in them?.
LMM minion: (mutters) which ones?
LMM: (glares at LMM minion and smiles ingratiatingly at CDRO) so we aren't REALLY being imaginative.
CDRO: Get to the point
LMM: Sorry, I thought this was how we were supposed to act - taking so long to get to the point that by the time we got there everyone would be so relieved it was over they wouldn't worry about how sh#@ a$% it was.
CDRO and LMM minion (in unison): Makes sense to me.
LMM: (pauses for dramatic effect) How about we start a rebellion within the rebellion?
LMM minion: The New Rebellion? Please kill me now. Dark Sabre might be less painful
(KJA shouts YES in ecstasy)
Better still, how about we just bring in MAS (deprogrammed of course) or TZ to rewrite VP. That way we could make Chewbacca return from the dead in some cheesy ST-like return. THAT way there would be 2 versions of VP and all of a sudden fans would be running out to buy the original version and hording it away for the time in the far distant future when such items are valuable collectors items.
(LMM nods enthusiastically)
CDRO: NO NO NO NO NO. We will not give in to the evil, stupid, moronic, brain-dead?...um?..
LMM minion (helpfully adds): unintelligent, dim, thick, dense, slow, brainless?.
KJA: hey if you're going to use synonyms lifted straight from Word 2000 WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BACK???
CDRO: (ignores LMM minion and KJA) We have to get rid of that stockpile of RAS back copies. All those fan will rush out to buy his previous works just to see if he is as bad a writer outside of the EU. AND we can't have another STMM lawsuit. If we give them much more publicity they might decide to start ANOTHER ST series after voyager finishes.
LMM and LMM minion (in unison): Makes sense to me ? REALLY
LMM minion: But if they brought that nice Picard fellow back?
(CDRO hits LMM minion over the head with a copy of VP - the hard cover of course, which has been made thicker and heavier than normal since size DOES matter. This way poor deceived fans think they are indeed getting something of value.)
LMM (glaring at LMM minion): How about we give Solo a decent storyline for a change. After languishing in the nether regions on the EU for 17 years he must be itching for some action. He can only be satisfied with boozing, whoring, and gambling for so long.
LMM minion: You've been listening to DB for too long.
LMM: (still ignoring LMM minion) Lets give Solo really good reason to come back, one that will make him kill of Chewbacca himself. This will cause all sorts of problems in AU and (whispering quietly) on the planet that must not be mentioned.
(LMM minion and CDRO look around fearfully to see if DB has overheard)
CDRO: (hisses viciously) NEVER even allude to that place EVER again. I'm not going to be the one to watch THAT (shuddering) film?.. SO what is this brilliant idea?
LMM: Its simple. We'll let Solo do exactly what he's doing in the AU in the EU. JL has altered the computer generated DR script a little and come up with a cover that is sure to get Solo's attention, and hell, maybe even the fans. They have to have something to keep the

 

Good evening all. I was hoping to get a little feed back before I attempted another post but I guess all you Yanks are fast asleep. So tough! I go back to uni tomorrow so I'll probably be too busy after this, so you won't be inflicted with anything more from me after this eek.gif tongue.gif
___________________________

Out in the dead zone Anakin the padawan, Vader the Darth, and Anakin the killer of Palpy discuss among themselves why no one has bothered to bring them back to help in the rebellion against profic.

Padawan: Well I just think that the new EU characters are jealous of me. I?m young, handsome, strong in the Force, well built, and I?m tall ? that?s going to be a problem when I reach Killer?s height, but you know what they say about shoe size, and there are all those really cute hand-maidens?.

Vader: Enjoy it while it lasts kid. Try running around mutilated for 2 decades. Freudians had a field day with that one. You die in episode 3 and have no place in the EU, that?s mine and Killer?s privilege, although I don?t know about that Perry guy who showed me naked in my private chamber to everyone. There are certain regions that should remain unknown.

Padawan groans: I thought darksiders didn?t have a sense of humour.

Vader smirks: Sure we do. And it?s just as bad as the rest of us.

Padawan smirks: Is that was that Bounty Hunter trilogy was? A really bad joke?

(Vader does the Force choke thing on Padawan)
Vader: You underestimate the power of the dark side.

LMM: It?s incredible, even out in the dead zone, neglected for decades, they still feel the need to rehash all these old cliches. Didn?t you get enough of that in ROTJ?

Ewok: yub yub
(Killer punches Ewok directly on the top of its skull and then throws it across at the nearest hard object.)

Padawan and Vader stare at him?
Killer (defensively): Well if YOU had had to sit through that god-awful ewok celebration at the end of ROTJ you would consider returning to the dark side as well. Well, it wasn?t actually the dark side. I was using the neutral bit in between.
Padawan: Yeah, that?s always a handy excuse. I used that one when I blew up the Jedi temple.
(Vader sneers at the two)
Killer: Makes sense to me.

Vader: So what are we doing in this dubious tribute to the NJO anyway? Even I?m doomed now. There won?t be any more flashbacks to the SOTE era.

Padawan smirks: Haven?t you heard? I?m getting my own hardcover novel!
Killer smirks: Yeah, so did Chewbacca. Look what happened to him. Besides it won?t be you, it?ll be the little kid still. YOU still have 2 years before you even exist.

Vader: Since DR has been so kind as to completely ignore the BDD literature, I figure we can use this to our advantage. We can assume, rightly or wrongly, that the ban on discussing our relationship with Luke & Leia with the rest of the EU has been lifted.
Killer: We can use this to our advantage
Padawan (yawns): This is all very interesting but what has this got to do with anything?
Vader: REVENGE!!! I killed Palpy and..
Killer: I KILLED PALPY. You ceased to exist when I threw him into that shaft.
Vader: You F#$@ - didn?t you read DE?
Padawan chimes in: Who came first ? the carton or the egg?
(Killer and Vader simultaneously smash pretty boy into a newly created brick wall ? compliments of Vader)
Killer (brushing the mess off his Jedi robes): I always said there were advantages to the dark side.
Vader: sshhh! Yoda might hear you. You know how he feels about meddling in the NJO. It makes him feel so much better about his own leadership of the Jedi.
Killer (whispers): So what?s the plan?
Vader: I?ve made a list. First I want to make it clear to the entire EU ? not just the NJO that I??er we ? killed Palpy, not that upstart kid.
Killer: He is our son.
Vader: That?s not our fault. Besides, we?re still waiting for the paternity test to come through.
Killer: Well it would have helped if you hadn?t erased every pre-Vader reference to us.
Vader: Nobody likes a cry baby.
Killer: Well at least I don?t resemble

 

HEEEESSSSSSS BACK!

We love Vader!

 

this is ausome it think i might chime in....


One-arm leader of what was left of the wamap clans called a meeting of all wampas on hoth

One-arm grr grooaw ger) We must get back at them they went to hoth once after esb. I belive that we can combine all the animals of swu and form the aoswuaeoe. (animals of the star wars univerise vs everyone eles)
I have heard rumors of the rancor and dioniga being very upset the space slug is out for blood and wamp rats what to bulleye luke for a change. The banthas have compleat control over the sand people and the ewoks have even joied our side (sly smile) good eatings.

wampa: But what of the climite off hoth

One-arm: Well if a wookie can live on tatooine or yavin so can we.

One-arm: I will soon be call emperor wamap and no one will dare attack poor helples little little wampas. We will defeat all opposition DB will not be able to stop us the rebelious EU will be to worried about DB and his following for them to stop us. We will be undefeatable and cute and cuddley and loveable.

they all put there pinkey claws to there mouth: MAH AH AHMAH AHMAH AHMAH AH!!!

sorry if that sucked it was my first ill stop if you guys say so

 

this is ausome it think i might chime in....


One-arm leader of what was left of the wamap clans called a meeting of all wampas on hoth

One-arm grr grooaw ger) We must get back at them they went to hoth once after esb. I belive that we can combine all the animals of swu and form the aoswuaeoe. (animals of the star wars univerise vs everyone eles)
I have heard rumors of the rancor and dioniga being very upset the space slug is out for blood and wamp rats what to bulleye luke for a change. The banthas have compleat control over the sand people and the ewoks have even joied our side (sly smile) good eatings.

wampa: But what of the climite off hoth

One-arm: Well if a wookie can live on tatooine or yavin so can we.

One-arm: I will soon be call emperor wamap and no one will dare attack poor helples little little wampas. We will defeat all opposition DB will not be able to stop us the rebelious EU will be to worried about DB and his following for them to stop us. We will be undefeatable and cute and cuddley and loveable.

they all put there pinkey claws to there mouth: MAH AH AHMAH AHMAH AHMAH AH!!!

sorry if that sucked it was my first ill stop if you guys say so

 

this is ausome it think i might chime in....


One-arm leader of what was left of the wamap clans called a meeting of all wampas on hoth

One-arm grr grooaw ger) We must get back at them they went to hoth once after esb. I belive that we can combine all the animals of swu and form the aoswuaeoe. (animals of the star wars univerise vs everyone eles)
I have heard rumors of the rancor and dioniga being very upset the space slug is out for blood and wamp rats what to bulleye luke for a change. The banthas have compleat control over the sand people and the ewoks have even joied our side (sly smile) good eatings.

wampa: But what of the climite off hoth

One-arm: Well if a wookie can live on tatooine or yavin so can we.

One-arm: I will soon be call emperor wamap and no one will dare attack poor helples little little wampas. We will defeat all opposition DB will not be able to stop us the rebelious EU will be to worried about DB and his following for them to stop us. We will be undefeatable and cute and cuddley and loveable.

they all put there pinkey claws to there mouth: MAH AH AHMAH AHMAH AHMAH AH!!!

sorry if that sucked it was my first ill stop if you guys say so