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Lit We Hav to Take a Trip with Jacen Solo (WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SNARK)

Discussion in 'Literature' started by Trip, May 25, 2008.

  1. Solus

    Solus Jedi Youngling star 1

    Dec 26, 2006
    At what point does he start showing Sith potential?
  2. Jinn_Soresom

    Jinn_Soresom Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 1, 2007
    One Character.

    15 years of EU.

    And Trip.

    *Grabs popcorn*
  3. rumsmuggler

    rumsmuggler Jedi Grand Master star 7

    Aug 31, 2000


    Rocking popped collars was very fashionable in the gffa.
  4. Trip

    Trip Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Dec 7, 2003
    Part III: Empire's End
    In which our hero doesn't do much, but Artoo does kill like eleventy billion people

    [li]Oh no, the Emperor's new superweapon (that Galaxy Gun) has shot a hell missile of doom at Nespis VIII, which Jacen is currently on. Along with the rest of the NR heirarchy. You'd think they'd've spread out a bit after Pinnacle Base got nailed, eh?[/li]
    [li]But look. The hell missile of doom hits and embeds itself in a wall... but doesn't explode. Guess it had a faulty detonator or something. Wow, what a lucky break.[/li]
    [li]Palpatine is kinda peeved, so he shoots it again. Of course, everyone has evacuated by now. Everyone except the Falcon, with Jacen aboard, which I guess nobody really cares about.[/li]
    [li]No, seriously, there's an exchange in which some evacuees discuss how the Falcon still hasn't left and oh no I hope they don't die..[/li]
    [li]But luckly, the Falcon makes it out in time. Whoo hoo I was really scared for a minute there.[/li]

    [li]So then something or other happens but I skipped ahead because the colors are starting to make me feel nauseous...[/li]

    [li]Okay, this looks like it may be vaguely relevant... Jacen's offpage, and Leia & Han have decided to make for Onderon for reasons that elude me, since I can't be bothered to pay very close attention... anyway, Palpatine does some sort of mind-touchy-weird-crap (He sees us, Han) but Leia makes him explode or something (like, lightning shoots out of his chest) through the "imaging power" of Battle Meditation.[/li]
    [li]Riiight... anyway, it's too late, because the Emperor's already in-system on his flagship, creatively dubbed Eclipse II.[/li]
    [li]So of course the Falcon has to land on Onderon.[/li]
    [li]Yay, Jacen's back on-page. Threepio's holding him & Jaina.[/li]
    [li]The Eclipse (II) is sitting in orbit, which kinda makes escaping awkward, so they decide to split up. Chewie leaves in the Falcon (with Vima-Da-Boda, who I forgot was with the Solos) in order to throw off pursuit, since the Solos are gonna go hide in the jungle that covers most of Onderon.[/li]
    [li]This is a particularly clever plan, since it's not like the Emperor was all telepathically up in Leia's grill like three pages ago.[/li]
    [li] [face_plain][/li]
    [li]To no one's surprise, save our idiot heroes, Palpatine sees right through that little charade.[/li]
    [li]Vima: "Ohh! He [Palpatine] has touched me..."[/li]

    [li]Meanwhile, Leia and the kids are hanging out on Onderon, listening to Threepio read an obligatory plug for Tales of the Jedi. You know, "Nomi Sunrider blah blah blah who cares go buy Veitch's other comic."[/li]
    [li]Leia: "I hope someday to become a Jedi Master as Nomi Sunrider did."[/li]

    [li]The twins are playing with a toy pterodactyl-thing, which is kinda cute.[/li]
    [li]Oh no, here's Palpatine, come to ruin everyone's day.[/li]
    [li]PALPATINE: I am most anxious to meet your children.[/li]
    [li]Okay, let's speed things up here a bit...[/li]
    [li]LEIA: Everybody hide!
    PALPATINE: Muahah!
    LEIA: hnuh nuh nuh nuh (does some Force-thingie)
    PALPATINE: Curses!
    THREEPIO: Oh dear!
    PALPATINE: Zzzap!
    LEIA: Guh!
    ANAKIN: Waaah!
    THREEPIO: *zzt*
    EMPATOJAYOS: I'm here to save--
    PALPATINE: Zzzap!
    RAYF: Ntha!
    PALPATINE: Zzzap!
    RAYF: *dies*
    LUKE: Blah blah surrender!
    PALPATINE: Yummy! (grabs Anakin)
    ANAKIN: Waah!
    HAN: BANG!
    PALPATINE: *dies*
    HAN: Hah hah!
    PALPATINE: SIKE! (tries to "enter" Anakin)
    ANAKIN: Waah!
    PALPATINE: Crap. *dies for real*
    ARTOO: WHEEE KILL EVERYONE!!!!!!!!![/li]
    [li]THE END.[/li]
    [li]If you're totally confused, I recommend you go buy the comic. Seriously, go buy it, I highly recommend it. It's super duper.[/li]

    [li]As before, Jacen's barely in this, so yeah, no rating. But if I could give it one just in general it'd be like eighteen stars, it's just that good.
    Thuro likes this.
  5. Master_Keralys

    Master_Keralys Sometime Technical Aide and Erstwhile Lit Mod star 5 Manager

    Oct 8, 2003
    That was... trippy.

    Sorry. Had to do it. It fits EE too well. :p

    - Keralys
  6. Excellence

    Excellence Jedi Knight star 7

    Jul 28, 2002

    Lot of hair for a months-old baby, if you don't mind my saying. My, already walking too.

    Biblically, Esav was born quite hairy. A killer and sibling fighter . . . and just how Jacen ended up.
  7. _Catherine_

    _Catherine_ Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jun 16, 2007
    Oh sure, keep everyone waiting for a story that's not even canon. [face_shame_on_you]
  8. rumsmuggler

    rumsmuggler Jedi Grand Master star 7

    Aug 31, 2000
    It should be, in my opinion.
  9. Cattleprod

    Cattleprod Jedi Youngling

    May 27, 2008
    Continuity nitpick! The Other takes place after the Jedi Academy trilogy.
  10. jacensolofangirl2007

    jacensolofangirl2007 Jedi Knight star 3

    Nov 30, 2007
    wow this is just too funny! great work here, i'll be keeping up with this for sure!
  11. CadderlySoaring

    CadderlySoaring Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jul 8, 2008
    Yes...this thread is indeed gold! Loved the finale of Empire's End and cannot wait for Jacen's involvement (And Trip's analysis) on the Jedi Academy Trilogy.
  12. FireJade

    FireJade Jedi Master star 4

    Nov 11, 2005
    Oh man. Trip, you are hilarious. I will be following this thread with interest...
  13. _Catherine_

    _Catherine_ Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jun 16, 2007
    This thread = failure.
  14. BobaMatt

    BobaMatt TFN EU Staff star 7 VIP

    Aug 19, 2002
  15. Master_Keralys

    Master_Keralys Sometime Technical Aide and Erstwhile Lit Mod star 5 Manager

    Oct 8, 2003
  16. J_K_DART

    J_K_DART Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Dec 31, 2001
    Oh, wonderful!
  17. Havac

    Havac Former Moderator star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 29, 2005
    Alright, so Trip fails, but guess who's reading through all the Jacen stuff for Wookieepedia and can no longer resist the temptation?

    I'm not going to go all the way back to cover everything, but let's start with the BFC.

    Part XI: Before the Storm
    In which our hero is fat and lazy

    • So now the Solos have moved out to an estate. That's nice. It's good to see development like this in Bantam.

    • Jacen, unfortunately, is slighly pudgy. Worse, he's lazy. He doesn't need to be strong; he's got the Force to be strong for him! Han is very distressed. Luke, going through a Serious Emotional Breakdown, refuses to intervene. Leia is flustered in general, so I'm betting she's flustered about this.

    "He said, 'Why do I have to be strong? Someday I'll be able to go anywhere I want, or get anything I want, just by thinking about it--like Uncle Luke.'" Han shook his head. "He doesn't seem to have noticed that Uncle Luke doesn't look a bit like Jabba the Hutt."

    "Neither does Jacen!" Leia said defensively.

    "Give him time."

    • Han is a jerk. He also refuses to let Chewbacca take the Falcon to see his family despite the dozens upon dozens of times Chewie has saved his life, showing absolutely no consideration for Chewbacca's feelings. Han's a big jerk.

    "And fill the tanks before you leave Kashyyyk. I'm not paying for your conjugal visits."

    • So apparently Jacen can't really TK stuff. Except in The Crystal Star, when he was TKing thousands of air molecules really fast to make light. But he's just got this blockage when it comes to floating E-wing toys. That sucks. Hopefully he won't have, like, a desperate plot-related situation where he has to TK an E-wing toy to save Chewbacca's life or something.

    • The kids bicker and make trouble for their parents. This realism stuff is awesome!

    • So they're doing this meditation stuff or something, and they're feeling what it's like to be the grass, and as soon as they're done, Jacen picks a blade of grass out of the ground. Jackass.

    "I learned that the grass thinks Jaina smells bad."

    • Who does Han assume the Falcon would go to? Jacen. Interesting.

    "My children are going to have normal family stories to tell their children, little funny stories about everyday nothings, stories where no one dies too young or has to carry a burden of shame. I'm going to see to that, with your help or without it --"

    • Leia's so inspiring. I can't wait to see the Solo-Skywalker clan finally raise normal children, a happy, radiant next generation that will usher in an era of peace and light.

    Part XII: Shield of Lies
    In which our hero gets wet

    • The family goes to the beach so Leia can get over this whole stress thing. This winds up being kinda negated when she just ends up going back to Coruscant and facing a ton of stress.

    • Also, what kind of chief of state takes off to the beach in the middle of a diplomatic crisis?

    • So, basically, in this book, Jacen hangs out on the beach and goes swimming to look for carnivorous shark-things. Yeah, a way with animals is one thing, but I think the kid needs a healthy dose of caution here. Maybe this whole reckless, fearless thing will be followed up on?

    Part XIII: Tyrant's Test
    In which our hero's father is captured by a savage enemy race and his mom tells him daddy's just off on a secret mission and don't listen to the bad men

    • So Han's captured by Yevetha. This represents a major revolution in Star Wars storytelling, as villains have apparently given up on attempts to kidnap Solo children and are now focusing on picking on people their own size. I'm glad we got over that phase. We're over it, right?

    • Anyway, Leia's all like, "My kids can't know!" and refuses to tell them that daddy's in mortal danger. That's totally the way you do it, right?

    • And then finally a video of Spaar beating the living hell out of Han comes out, and Leia kinda realizes she can't keep it quiet anymore. So she has the conversation where she goes, "Yeah, I totally lied to you," and tells them. Pity that's offscreen. And Jacen's scared. Man, did Leia call that one or what?

    • But then Han comes back, and Jaina and Jacen run along a flower-lined path (no, seriously, they do) and Luke comes home to teach children after a long quest, utter manipulation, and casual sex have convinced him that he doesn't have to be a hermit anymore (I think the casual sex actually had less to do with it than you might think, reading that, but who knows). All is well.

    Part XIV: The New Rebellion
    In which our hero blames himself for getting his mom hurt many years before he should actually worry about it

    • Thankfully, Jacen avoids being involved with the most outrageously stupid parts of this book. So that's good.

    • Yeah, that estate thing? That lasts about a year. They're back in the Palace now. Apparently Leia's allergic to open space or something. That thing I said about development in Bantam? Yeah, you can forget it.

    • There's actually a pretty funny scene where Jacen, Jaina, 3PO, and Winter have to send away a nanny droid that Anakin ordered online. They really shouldn't let the kids get into the credit cards. It could have been a lot worse, though. I mean, who knows what you could get on the space internet? Anakin could have ordered a big box of Hutt sex toys or something. That'd be pretty awkward.

    • Jacen feels a disturbance in the Force. So he and the other kids band together to drive out the cold feeling with warmth. That's actually kind of cool.

    • And then mommy blows up.

    • Jacen being eight, he and the other kids believe strongly that this must be their fault. I mean, post hoc ergo propter hoc, am I right? Much reassuring by Uncle Luke is needed.

    • So Jacen and the other kids spend the entire rest of the book on Anoth. At least they got some more use out of the big expensive remote base built for them at state expense that they used for all of a year and a half.

    • Yeah. There's not much more to say when our hero spends nearly the entire book away from the action. Tune in next year, when our hero actually has a role in the narrative!
  18. canadianjedimama

    canadianjedimama Jedi Knight star 4

    Jan 28, 2008
    Bush likes to golf during times of crisis... does that count? [face_laugh]
  19. Gladiuus

    Gladiuus Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 20, 2003
    I know, right?

    Frankly, I learned not to count on Trip back when his "marvel a day" thread tanked. What a looser.
  20. Trip

    Trip Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Dec 7, 2003
    At least I spelled my name properly, you twit.
  21. Gladiuus

    Gladiuus Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 20, 2003
  22. GrandMasterKatarn

    GrandMasterKatarn Jedi Knight star 4

    Feb 8, 2008
    This thread went from Trip to Havac. This is a fantastic post. It's good to see Jacen's life broken down like this. It helps to remind us of what he once was.
  23. BobaMatt

    BobaMatt TFN EU Staff star 7 VIP

    Aug 19, 2002
    No, see, he's a clone of a Gladius. He's also referring to you as a clone of a loser.
    Though the more practical - and interesting - application will be to see how he became what he is. I'll just refer to Havac's post, for example: he mentions Jacen's "reckless, fearless thing." In addition: Jacen's fat lazy dependence on the Force could easily lead to his later reaction against thinking of the Force like a tool, to the point where he questions whether it should be used at all.
  24. RebelJoseWales

    RebelJoseWales Jedi Knight star 3

    Sep 10, 2008

    A whiny little b**** with parent issues and a messiah complex? Yeah, I really hated how in LotF they changed him from that into... um... a whiny little b**** with parent issues, a messiah complex and... uh... and... daughter issues. :confused:
  25. Excellence

    Excellence Jedi Knight star 7

    Jul 28, 2002

    Damn, I have to pay attention to this thread now. More work at night . . .