Discussion in 'Literature' started by Trip, May 25, 2008.
call me Darth Ruin then...
There's an hour between your posts... why didn't you just edit it out instead of posting again?
computer trouble and I like my post count high
Part XXIV: Lightsabers
In which our hero mutilates his crush
[li]Oh noes! Shadow Academy! Dangerous![/li]
[li]Luke calls a meeting, which basically just serves as an excuse to mock Raynar some more. Oh, look at the pudgy rich kid! We mock your outfit, rich boy![/li]
[li]Ominous, ominous, battles to come, etc, etc. Lukie's going to accelerate their training so they can face the Shadow Academy. Presumably, this means they'll actually have training now.[/li]
[li]Then Luke comes and talks to the Four Very Special, Bestest, Better Than Anyone Else In The Academy Kids. They get favoritism out the wazoo as Luke lets them, and only them, make their lightsabers.[/li]
[li]Gahh, kaiburr crystals. Bad KJA. Bad continuity.[/li]
[li]Jacen builds his using his Corusca gem. I never could have seen that one coming.[/li]
[li]They practice for a while with sticks and crap, and then Luke takes them out to practice with remotes. KJA really didn't think this one through, since he has the kids put on red-tinted visors. The remotes are red. This makes the remotes invisible, since they get filtered out.[/li]
[li]Optics does not work that way. Being filtered out doesn't make them invisible, genius. You think the light from the tree behind it just shoots right through it to the kids' eyes? They're going to see great big remote-shaped blobs hovering around. Science fail.[/li]
[li]So they pretty much suck at it, and are only barely getting the hang of it when Tenel Ka jumps up and slices a remote in half -- not with the Force, but with her Magic Warrior Woman Hearing. Luke gets all pissy that she ruined a good remote and shuts down lessons; way to ruin it for everyone, Tenel.[/li]
[li]Since this was obviously sufficient training, we skip ahead to dueling, in which Luke has the kids go at each other with real live lightsabers. Can you say accident waiting to happen? You want slow practice drills, half-speed sessions, something before you hand kids the sharpest blades in the galaxy and say, "OK, get cracking."[/li]
[li]Boy, did I call that one or what? Jaina and Lowie do fine, mostly because they're too properly terrified to really get too risky. Jacen, however, starts in with a bunch of cocky crap (gaaaaaaauuuuuuuugh gratuitous ANH quote-homage); he thinks he's Little Luke Skywalker. He keeps trying to distract Tenel Ka and maneuver her onto bad footing -- he's treating it like a real duel, and clearly way too interested in getting a win. So Pansy Boy turns out to be pretty good at the lightsaber thing, and he and Tenel get all competitive. And they lock lightsabers, and push, and push, and Jacen's giving it harder and harder to Tenel, and suddenly she blows. Well, her lightsaber blows. Jacen ignores the signs that it's about to fail, and when it lessens resistance, he pushes harder (way to go, Einstein!) and slices her arm off.[/li]
[li]This, kids, is why you don't play with lightsabers. You might end up crippling your really ripped, sexily buff, skimpy-leather-outfit-wearing, taller-than-you-and-can-kick-your-ass crush.[/li]
[li]Jacen gets all emo, and Tenel gets all emo, and everyone else gets emo too. He might have cut himself, but he already sliced up enough arms for the day. Luke won't let him see Tenel; she has to recover or something. Then Luke sends her away in the middle of the night. What an ass.[/li]
[li]Luke, for the first and only time in his life, actually does the smart thing and sends in Tionne for grief counseling. They're all lightsaber-phobic now. But Tionne just tells a story about Nomi Sunrider (KJA: unable to resist compulsively referencing TOTJ since 1994) and doesn't really fix anything.[/li]
[li]Then Luke decides he screwed up before, and he has to take the kids to see Tenel Ka, and get her away from Ta'a Chume. So they show up at Hapes, and the kids are all "Hapes? She's from Dathomir!" and Luke's all like "I totally have to blow Tenel Ka
Few things can make me delurk in Lit (nothing personal; I'm a serial lurker pretty much everywhere but FanFic ), but this thread is one of them. I just caught up on the last few recaps, and laughed until I cried. Can't wait until the next installment.
So Luke employs Tionne as a grief councilor? I hope they keep this system in place just in case some students get extremely emotionally crippled in the future. It'd be nice to know Luke cares.
And I think Ta'a Chume better watch it, just look what Jacen did to her granddaughter.
You say KJA but didn't his wife also write this?
This is quite good. Don't have the books so I can at least get the storyline.
hmm Jaina and Jacen in underwear?
Havac, you need to do this for more than just Jacen! there is so much "lol" about other chars, too aside the Jacencentric pseudostory
Two posts in one day? Keep it going, Hav!
Incredible. I'd never realised how little KJA kept the kids at the Academy...
Eh, it's shorter than saying "KJA and/or Moesta". These are also almost all authorial tics that are easily spotted in his other work.
so KJA&M hmm,... sounds like a K-Jam session
now... Darkest Knight, we wait for you!
If I may be your TV spot styled intro, Hav
PS: I wonÂ´t include Jacen, that I leave to you, I promise!
-Kashyyyk invaded (again!), hopefully they wonÂ´t burn any trees.
-With even less training then the YJK ever had, the Darkest Knight suddendly bests students that trained in the darkside years if not all their life... (now that is KJA extreme)
-and the Lowie/Jaina shippers will feel reminded about Tarzan & Jane scenes... hmm Lowie & Jaina.. sounds even like it!
-well... luckily the Darkest Knight didnÂ´t turn out like Monty Pythons Dark Knight... *cough cough*
Yet, Ceiran, yet...
that depends on Hav...
Can you just imagine if it had?
YJK gang: "None shall pass!"
Diversity Alliance: "'Tis but a scratch."
Vong invasion: "The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then."
Caedus: "Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh?! You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!!"
(I love WikiQuote)
Y'know, besides being thoroughly entertaining, Hav's brought up that JINO really isn't that INO. Sure, he's different, but he has the same character traits. Others are just reinforced more by the time of the NJO.
Yeah, he's got that streak of thoughtfulness throughout everything I've seen so far. It's just that it's somewhat buried under a desire to make Tenel Ka laugh and a desire for adventure and fun that's slowly getting burned out of him as he grows up and matures.
yeah, i agree
his charactor didnt take a complete 180
he went dark, in as realistic a way as was possible i think
with the past of Vader such a big part of the Skywalker/Solo lives, it makes sense that none would go crazy dark out of rage
but it makes perfect sense for Jacen's charactor, from the beginning of the NJO till LotF, to fall to the Sith ways like he did
it makes much more sense than Anakin or Jaina falling
This thread will be the death of me.
Have to say I've been reading along and loving this thread.
And that I think I'm sort of spoiled now because I keep refreshing for updates just in case they're there and I missed them.
Part XXV: Darkest Knight
In which our hero wanders the wild and wondrous Wookiee world
[li]Despite its use of the superlative, this is not in any way, shape, or form better than The Dark Knight.[/li]
[li]Lowie is all morose. No one knows why.[/li]
[li]The Falcon shows up. Apparently Luke can't stand the Jedi Academy any more than KJA can, and he's taking off for adventures with Han. There's nothing like going on about how much the academy is threatened by the Second Imperium and then just leaving it.[/li]
[li]Now we need to waste a whole scene watching Tenel Ka watch a video from Anakin about how to braid her hair with one arm! We need to get a transcript of the whole thing! God, he must have been desperate for filler.[/li]
[li]Sad revelation time: Lowie's would-be girlfriend died and his sister might run off into the understory alone to do her rite of passage. Lowie did it, but Sirra can't, because it's too dangerous. Total big-brotherism right there. Sirra agreed to go with Lowie, so he's got to take off for Kashyyyk.[/li]
[li]Of course, since they're spoiled brats and there's no possible way their friend could do anything without them, the kids ask to go with. Luke throws all that "increased training" stuff out the window, and lets the Special Favorite Headmaster's Relatives And Friends go off from the Academy and do whatever the heck they want.[/li]
[li]Guess what this means? That's right. Another book where we're not actually at the Praxeum. Whew. I was really getting sick of the place after we spent a whole half a book there last time.[/li]
[li]So they fly to Kashyyyk with Chewie in the Shadow Chaser -- which has QUANTUM ARMOR. Don't forget. Jacen offers an extensive lecture on the topic of humor to Tenel Ka. None of it makes any impact. Is it seriously possible to have someone so utterly humorless? It's actually kinda scary. It's like she's some kind of complete pyschopath or something. Has she been tested for some kind of chemical imbalance? Are her dopamine receptors working?[/li]
[li]Jacen gets bored with the Iron Lady and wanders around. He feels a critter through the Force, and being a relatively one-dimensional character with only one real interest in life, eagerly rushes to find it. It is a rodent thing with too many legs. Seriously, Jacen, it belongs in a mousetrap, not in your hand. One small problem: it chewed through a bunch of wires in the ion shield generator. That shouldn't be a big deal, right?[/li]
[li]In a shocking coincidence, they are immediately struck by an ion storm. Like, it can't even wait until Jacen gets all the way to the cockpit to report it. Do components ever fail that actually aren't a problem? Has anyone ever written a story where they find the hyperflimfloozlecyberfuse (seriously, KJA has a thing for cyberfuses. They're not just fuses . . . they're CYBERfuses!), and someone says, "Ah, we'll be OK without it" and they actually are OK?[/li]
[li]This drops the ship out of hyperspace and blanks the navicomputer. Except Lowie and Chewie have the coordinates for Kashyyyk memorized, so they still just go there. But other stuff on the ship is wrecked. Generic . . . ship stuff.[/li]
[li]So now we get to meet Lowie's family. His mom and dad are the classic Wookiee occupation, appropriate to the relatives of the daring Chewbacca: factory workers. His sister is, I kid you not, a Goth Wookiee. She's all moody and emo and cuts patterns into her fur to show on the outside that she's different inside, not like anyone else. Because she has DREAMS! And EMOTIONS! She doesn't want to conform to your social expectations! She wants to be SPECIAL! And not have to actually do work![/li]
[li]Nothing really happens, because Sirra's too emo to go out on her rite of passage yet. So the kids wander around, and take a tour of the exciting computer parts factory. There, they see Wookiee workers in full-body hairnets. This is hilarious.[/li]
[li]Apparently the only way to get around here
Another great job, Havac.
You know, had YJK come out after Harry Potter, I wonder if they would have spent more time at the Academy?
On the other hand, would the very concept of a Jedi Academy series been shot down as being a Potter-clone?
Anakin sent Tenel Ka a video about one-handed hair braiding? Seriously? How would Anakin know anything about braiding hair, let alone one-handedly? And why is he close enough to his big brother's crush to be sending her instructional videos?
These books seem to be - special. But very good for snark.
I hope that not staying at the academy and doing more training doesn't come back to haunt these kids in later years. This is the Next Generation, after all.
I can just picture Havac doing this as he reads them...
Er. . .right?