[Week 6 Task] Rhettavia -- State of the Union Address

//trumpet fanfare

//the sergeant-at-arms of the National Congress of Rhettavia introduces the Grand Potentate of Rhettavia

Behold, Citizenry of Rhettavia! I present to you the Grand Potentate, Rhett!

//sustained applause as Rhett enters the rotunda, which is really more of a square

//some women throw their panties to him

//Rhett kisses the occasional baby and gooses the occasional babe as he makes his way to the podium

//continued applause

//Rhett motions his hands in an effort to quiet the crowd, then begins his speech

Good evening, my fellow Rhettites. I stand before you tonight as your Chosen One, your Liege, your Excellency, and your friend. Rhettavia has seen much change over the last 5 years of my reign, and few here would deny that the changes have been for the better. Tonight I'm going to talk to you about how far we've come together, and how much farther we have to go before our journey is complete.

When I stood before you at my coronation five short years ago, I made a promise. I made a promise to root out and destroy those who have scourged our land. I made a promise to establish laws that protected our freedoms and made our lives better. I believe I have done so, but there are those who disagree, and I will take some time tonight to address those people as well.

When we began this journey together, this land was overrun with evil. Our enemies had an institutional advantage granted to them by the System, and that System is what all of you and I set out to change.

Our roads were not safe. Our grocery store checkout lines moved slowly. Our restaurant buffets were inadequate. The nation was in turmoil, and the People of Rhettavia -- those brave Rhettites who finally stepped forward to declare that something had to be done -- asked that I become your Potentate. And all that changed.

You will all recall that my first act as your Grand Potentate was the "Move It, Old People" Executive Order of 1999. With this stroke of the pen, I removed all old people from this nation's highways. No longer are our farmers markets potential death traps at which old people may aim their cars. That Order also established separate but equal checkout lines for old people at our grocery stores and retail stores, freeing valuable time for the nation's productive citizens to go about their days' business more quickly.

But most importantly, that Order established that old people may no longer hoard this nation's most valuable natural resource -- the buffet.

With your help, Citizens of Rhettavia, we moved all the old people into Old People Camps, where they are free to poop on themselves, shout incoherently, and complain about how they did it in the "old days." No longer are we subjected to boring and horrific tales of walking in the snow or of plowing the fields.

While these accomplishments are important, we have more to do. Our teenagers are getting out of hand. They listen to their loud music, and they watch their silly television programs, and they wear their ugly clothes; but no more. I say no more.

I propose that we enact a Final Solution to deal with this teenager problem. Effective at midnight tonight, I will enact a nationwide curfew on all people under the age of 25. No one under the age of 25 will be allowed to leave their parents' basements. They will be fed meager sustenance, but not too much, because many of them are already fat anyway. There will be those who oppose this plan, most of them under the age of 25. Their cries of unfairness and discrimination and oppression are all valid, but fruitless. The popularity of Britney Spears, NSync, and jelly bracelets have proven that this group of people is incapable of making rational decisions. How can we allow them to roam the streets willy nilly? We can't afford the carnage that they are already plotting to unleash.

Earlier tonight I spoke of "our" land and "our" freedoms. Many of you may be asking who "we" are. "We" are people between the ages of 25 and 65. "We" are the ones who make

//delayed applause