main
side
curve
  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

JCC Well, I finally kicked my father-in-law out

Discussion in 'Community' started by Ezio Skywalker, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. Ezio Skywalker

    Ezio Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 29, 2013
    Our mutual friends believe that one day she'll snap out of it, but for right now, there's no getting through to her. And honestly, I don't know that I could ever go back if that's what she would want. The sheer hatred she's discovered for me is unbelievable. And this is not something I will ever forget, I think. I loved her and did everything I could for her, and the things she's trying to do, the things she's accusing me of...no. Even if this isn't the "real" her, it's too much.

    Maybe her new men are distractions she sought from her pain. I don't have time to be distracted. My kids need me and while I'm doing my best for them, she's randomly texting me for money, or calling to tell me that I somehow ruined her life. Today I tried to talk with her over the phone. But that escalated and I finally just told her that despite everything, I never walked away, I never quit, because we were a family. And I believed that family means something. I made a commitment to her and I stuck with her through thick and thin.

    She did have a breakdown maybe a couple weeks before the situation with her father reached its peak. It was before her car accident. We were both off and planned a day together with the kids. At this point, she'd taken on a new job and was working late hours and more often, and I had to cut back on my own availability so that someone could care for our kids (which was fine as I was still earning a decent income). She wanted this new job so much because of the benefits, but the hours were getting to her. I kept suggesting that we figure out something so that I could work more days and she could take time off, but she kept refusing.

    Anyway, come this day, I left her to get the kids ready while I went to shower. This was the first time she'd been left alone with the kids since starting her new job. While I was in the shower, she came running into the bathroom and ran into the closet. I got out of the shower and I found her on the floor, sobbing. I asked her what was going on, and she said that the kids were horrible and she didn't know how to handle them. I threw on some clothes real quick, went out to the living room, got the kids rounded up and ready and sent them to the closet to give their mother a hug. They did so.

    But the outing was strained. And it was the first sign that something was really wrong. We talked about it and she said that she wasn't happy anymore. That she was only happy when she was working. Now, at this time, her dad was living with us again, so things around the house were also not ideal. And her dad I did not get along. That man, I say again, is a disease. And he infected our household with the cancer of his presence, just I said would happen if she allowed him to move back in. I promised her that I would do everything I could to make her happy, that I would redouble my efforts around the house, that I would suffer her father in silence.

    But every week she just kept pulling herself farther away, I guess. Until that one day when I left her with the kids for one hour so that I could go the gym. When I came back, she told me that she didn't want the kids anymore and that I could have them. She was sitting on the couch, just staring at them coldly while they ran around the living room playing. It was very troubling and it shocked me.

    So I guess it was a combination of motherhood stress, meeting new people at work, the stress of her father and me disagreeing with his presence around our family, that all contributed to her finally abandoning everything. It sucks. Before that new job, before her father, she was a wonderful mother. She was so in love with those kids. You could see it in her eyes and smiles. You could see it in every hug.

    That day when I got back from the gym...it was unbelievable.
     
  2. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    This really strengthens my belief that it's a mental breakdown and not bipolar disorder. And I don't think she'll be able to help herself. I think she needs proper medical care. With what you've told me, I'm legitimately worried for her safety.

    But in any case, I really hope everyone involved will mend from what you've all gone through. I hope that you never see your wife's father again and that he isn't able to dig his claws into your wife anymore. As I said earlier, you sound like a wonderful father and a very strong individual. Your kids are lucky to have you :)
     
    ShaneP likes this.
  3. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
    Dude, seriously.... you talk like this has been a months long ordeal. It's been three weeks. You can't honestly say that you've done everything you possibly could in three weeks time.

    This doesn't sound like bi-polar disorder. It sounds like PTSD--sounds like her dad saying such abusive and destructive things to her before he left severely traumatized her... like, this bit you posted earlier

    " before he moved out, he told my wife that she was a terrible mother, a horrible daughter and if he died after moving out, that his death would be on her hands."

    Things like that reopen old wounds and retraumatize people. When this sort of thing happens, a lot of people will do anything they can in order to escape it... drinking, drugs, sleeping around, etc. Some people will fall into abusive behavior of their own... sort of acting out what's been done to them (like saying that she doesn't want her kids, etc).

    Again... it's been three weeks. Give it some time and space before you make any permanent decisions, sheesh.

    PS... I am not a licensed psychologist. The above is an opinion of somebody on a SW message board... do not quote me on it. I simply said what I think it sounds like.
     
  4. Ezio Skywalker

    Ezio Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 29, 2013

    No. It's been ongoing since her new job. It only escalated during my situation with her father. So yes, it's been going on for months. The car accident? Before me kicking out her father. Her staying out late? Before me kicking out her father. Her breakdown in the closet? Before the accident, before me kicking out her father.

    He was in our house since July. She started her new job in August. I kicked out her father what, a week after Halloween?

    edit:

    The day that I kicked out her father is when she stopped coming home all together.
     
  5. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
    So, everything started after her father moved back in, then... makes sense. I don't think it's the new job that brought all this on... I think it was living with her dad. Then, him saying all that stuff when he left pushed her over the edge.

    I dunno, man... not my marriage, and I don't know your wife, at all, of course. I just think there's a lot more underneath what you're reacting to and focusing on.
     
  6. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    The new job may not have brought it on, but I bet it definitely contributed.
     
    Ezio Skywalker likes this.
  7. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
    I have no idea why I'm still posting in this thread.
     
    Zapdos and Rogue_Ten like this.
  8. Ezio Skywalker

    Ezio Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 29, 2013
    harpua: I'm not sure I follow. What else am I reacting to?
     
  9. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
    What's on the surface, instead of what's underneath.


    Now, really... Ima go.
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  10. Ezio Skywalker

    Ezio Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 29, 2013
    How would you have me react? Force her into therapy? We are not together anymore. I can't ask her for anything other than to please keep strange men away from our kids (something that she's already done and lied about and will continue to do so and I cannot stop her because I cannot keep her from seeing the kids when she wants to).
     
  11. Only-One Cannoli

    Only-One Cannoli Ex-Mod star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 20, 2003
    I'm appalled at the advice and lack of perspective of mostly everyone in this thread minus maybe Harps. It's almost as though you guys just take things at literal face value...there's jus t some really obvious fishiness to all of this.
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  12. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    As someone who's been on both ends of this kind of issue, all I can do is offer advice and perspective. I already stated that I didn't think his wife was "gone" and that she needed help and support. I'm not going to pester him when he's already firmly made his mind up.

    Not to mention he never asked for relationship advice and it's not our relationship.
     
  13. tom

    tom Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Mar 14, 2004
    i just read this thread and i have to say i really wasn't ready for this level of dramatic intrigue.

    also, sorry you're going through this valyn. sounds like you're handling it better than anyone could be expected to. things will get better, one way or the other.
     
  14. Lord Vivec

    Lord Vivec Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Apr 17, 2006
    SLG: I know certain events in JCC's past have led us to overscrutinize each other when things aren't making sense, but let's not start looking at him with suspicion just yet. I don't know what he's done to warrant some of the hostility that harps and IATI have shown to him, but I think he's mostly been in the right of things so far.
     
    Juliet316 and Ezio Skywalker like this.
  15. Only-One Cannoli

    Only-One Cannoli Ex-Mod star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 20, 2003
    You honestly think it's completely logical for you to take the word of someone you don't know on a serious situation that involves threats of violence/psychological abuse and who knows what else? You reallyyyy think that's a smarter outlook than just taking a step back and not making an opinion based on all the variables that you don't know?
     
  16. Jabba-wocky

    Jabba-wocky Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    May 4, 2003
    Most of all, it's not clear to me what alternative approach there is. Clearly, we are getting only a single perspective on a highly selected string of events, all of which support the speaker's views. That is, in some substantial ways, inevitable. But absent anyway of understanding what events (or nuances of the known events) we aren't being told, there's really no way to comment. They are, in the parlance of Donald Rumsfeld, unknown unknowns. The best we can do is either offer guarded commentary that is clearly contingent on his perceptions being accurate, or else being entirely silent on the matter for lack of knowledge. Either of which takes us back to the original strangeness of having something this intimate posted on the same website as a bunch of MCU speculation and "Box Office Bloodbaths" in the first place.
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  17. Only-One Cannoli

    Only-One Cannoli Ex-Mod star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 20, 2003
    Yeah you're right. There's really no right response to this and me complaining about everyone having the wrong one is also wrong. Time to bow out and side eye this thread with the maximum number of sides of my eyes.
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  18. Havac

    Havac Former Moderator star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Sep 29, 2005
    Oh, man, I'm so excited to have a chance to share my opinions on the private life of some other person on the internet!

    As an internet expert, I feel confident in saying that I don't know a whole lot about this intensely personal situation someone I've talked to about video games sometimes is sharing with the whole internet for some reason, but I am 100% positive that he, his wife, and everyone in this thread is wrong and should feel bad.
     
    MrZAP, harpua, Zapdos and 3 others like this.
  19. Ezio Skywalker

    Ezio Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 29, 2013
    I don't know what I did to earn SLG's obvious disdain, but it doesn't really matter. My responsibility isn't to convince her or anyone of anything; it's to make my kids happy.

    Last night, they wouldn't go to sleep unless I cuddled with them in bed until they fell asleep. Laying there with them, it was the first time in maybe a month that I felt peace. Every night I tell my daughter that she's smart, beautiful, and strong. And every night she tells me that I'm her hero. Yesterday it sank in. My wife, she can sleep with whomever she wants or do whatever she wants. It's over. And that has to be fine. Because I tried and maybe I failed, but there's nothing I can do now. She doesn't want my input.

    But so long as me and those kids are together, everything will be okay. I'll do my absolute best by them. I'll work my butt off and get us a new place some day, a place with a new future and no haunted memories.

    Right now I'm getting my kids ready for an hour drive to my daughter's school. My heart hurts a lot every morning, but the pain will fade throughout the day. Mornings and nights are the worst.
     
    Hogarth Wrightson and Falcon like this.
  20. Falcon

    Falcon Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Feb 7, 2002
    Your situation sounds like a dejaview to me. I've been talking to someone here at work within the last nine months and he's going through a separation and the similarities between the situations are uncanny. It's like listening to two different stories but similar events.

    He's going through a separation and the wife is demanding money, not working, lying to the kids and telling them inappropriate things. It just blows my mind that someone could go from normal to this. She hadn't slept and suffered from insomnia and just snapped one day.

    It floors me that the parents in both situations won't do anything for their daughters and taking their side instead of getting help and blaming the partner is only making the issues worse not better.

    She needs help and space to sort things on her own. I wouldn't stop suggesting she gets help. It sounds like she needs professional help at this point.
     
    Ezio Skywalker likes this.
  21. Only-One Cannoli

    Only-One Cannoli Ex-Mod star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 20, 2003
    Yeah I'm going to clarify on this, not because I have interest in dragging on an invisible "argument" or trolling, but because I clearly didn't choose the right words to express my opinion...judging by several other people's reactions as well. I definitely do not want to come across like I'm trolling or being a jerky dweeb in a thread that's turned more serious than it was on page 1.

    I have 0 disdain for you, and I'm not arguing against you. I'm not saying you're in the wrong on anything. Nor am I trying to be elitist by telling people that their opinions are "appalling" me (in retrospect I can see how that can be a trigger word and I should have rephrased). I guess the vagueness of that sounds like I'm baiting or trying to provoke at random, and I get that it can be interpreted as a negative thing but I didn't intend it that way. Pointing out that there are other variables that we don't know in a situation is not an argument against you. At all. It was more of a comment directed towards some of the more extremist posts in the thread (on both sides). That's it. It's a reminder that this is your life, not ours, and we don't know the full scenario. In no way am I saying that you are in the wrong or attempting to argue against you.

    Hopefully that's clearer? I'm opting out of the conv. now, but if you still feel personally insulted still my pm box is open.
     
  22. I Are The Internets

    I Are The Internets Shelf of Shame Host star 9 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Nov 20, 2012
    I went a little too extreme in my original comment, so I apologize. She clearly needs help though from the sounds of it.
     
  23. Ezio Skywalker

    Ezio Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 29, 2013
    I agree that she needs help. But it's hard convincing someone of that. Her own mother used to tell me that she needed help and was in a poor mental state, but her mom is also deliberately choosing to believe that I'm now entirely wrong since I revealed that her daughter had been lying and sleeping around.

    So it can't be my problem anymore. So long as she keeps the kids safe when she's with them this weekend and in the future, her mental state is her problem and her new lovers' problem. Believe me, I am definitely worried about her having our kids this weekend, but if she wants to suddenly act like a mother, well, I can't stop her. I cannot keep the kids from her if she wants to see them. I don't have the authority to do that. And if she really, sincerely wants to be a mom again, then that's good for our kids.

    But my worry is that she'll continue to expose them to the new men in her life, and I don't want them to develop issues because of her. But like I said, I have no authority to control her time with them. All I can do is pray and hope that they'll be taken care of during their time with her.
     
  24. Rogue_Ten

    Rogue_Ten Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Aug 18, 2002

    this. the only valid thing to say itt is "why are you telling you internet this, you loon?"

    im sorry but is this a reference to the sweet embrace of death?
     
  25. Ezio Skywalker

    Ezio Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 29, 2013
    We agreed that I would make the hour drive today to drop my daughter off at school and then my son off at my house (where I presumed my ex would be waiting). But it turns out that she was making a similar drive from her new lover's house. She could have at least offered to transport the kids, since I've been burning through gasoline doing this commute. But no.

    She gets to the house just as I get my daughter into school, so she beats me to the house by a little bit. I ask her to help me bring in some of the stuff that I packed for them. She gives a nasty remark but reluctantly helps. Then when I get inside, she starts demanding money (mind you, I already transferred funds for half the mortgage payment, and she had lights on in all the rooms, Bluray players on while TVs are off, lights in the garage). So I just ignored her and played with my son for a bit. She kept demanding money and screaming about how I should return things that I took from the house. The only things I took from the house besides clothes and stuff for the kids, were Christmas and birthday gifts from her to me: a TV, Xbox One, and the like--but I left her gifts I bought for her and even the other gifts that she bought for me. I left her the WiiU and bluray player she bought me. I left her her beloved Keurig that I bought her one year, I left her our big living room TV and sound system. Oh, and I took a double-stroller for the kids. But I left her a second double stroller and a single stroller too.

    I wanted to talk with her about transferring my daughter to a school nearer to me, as I got the county to agree to the transfer. She refused to talk about it and continued about the money. She said, "Money is more important than her right now!"

    I started to leave and she blocked the door. I turned away because our two year old son had wandered over to us. I hugged him and played with him some more. Then she continued screaming and swearing at me, demanding money and demanding to know why I wasn't talking to her about it (I don't know if I previously mentioned this, but over the past week or so, since I found out about the lying and her sleeping around and told her that I knew the truth, she'd told me that she will not pay for our joined credit cards, will not help pay for our other car which I drive, and has tried to remove me from our family health insurance plan). I told her that it's because she's screaming and swearing in front of our son and I left.

    I then texted her to please watch her behavior around our kids. She blew up my phone with all kinds of insults that I never thought I'd ever hear from her, not from someone who I believed loved me as much I loved her. Those text messages stayed with me throughout the entire day. I know that they shouldn't. But they did.

    When I got off work, I called to check on the kids. She said that they were sleeping and that she took them out, just her and the kids. I knew there was trouble there. I told her that I was surprised, because she'd always complained about how she's unable to handle our kids by herself. She got quiet. I told her that I knew she was lying and that the lies should stop. She said that we're no longer together so it's none of my business. I said that who our kids are around is kind of my business. She didn't say anything so I hung up.

    Then she texted me to offer to arrange a meeting between me and her newest lover because he's "so good with the kids." [face_plain]

    I just replied, "You want me to meet one of the people who encouraged you to abandon your family and children?" and left it at that.

    Edit:

    I didn't mention that since the house was clearly not being lived in, it was a mess. It stank real bad, like rot. I didn't want to leave my son there. But again, I had no authority to stop it from happening.