Beyond - Legends We're Doomed (a small Pash Cracken fic, complete)

Title: We're Doomed
Author: Jane Jinn
Timeframe: post ROTJ, pre - X-Wing, Wedge?s Gamble
Characters: Pash Cracken, OCs
Summary: A lighthearted look at how Pash Cracken realizes just what his A-Wing squadron really thinks of him after a practical joke goes awry.
Disclaimer: Pash was created by Michael A. Stackpole as part of the Star Wars universe, which is owned by George Lucas, I?m just borrowing him.
Archive: smut- and slash-free only, please ask first
Feedback: Yes, please, constructive criticism welcomed with open arms. Please! Criticise me, I?m begging you on bended knee!

Special thanks to Alion_Sangre for answering my questions so patiently, and to the Completely Unofficial Star Wars Encyclopedia

written in response to the "Hallucinations" fanfic challenge

Another special thanks to Diane for helping me find a better title!

 

Walking with exaggerated casualness past the table where the Ombina brothers were seated, Pash Cracken glanced down at the small, rectangular box of chocolates that was lying casually between them, and pretended to do a double take. ?You were going to share those Taanabian chocolates with your commanding officer, weren?t you, lieutenants??

Having been intently watching something across the cantina, both brothers jumped guiltily, looking first up at Pash and then down at the box as though it had suddenly turned into a miniature Krayt dragon.

?Ah ?? Ficult Ombina moved his hand towards the box while asking, ?These Taanabian chocolates, Captain?? but somehow managed to knock the entire thing off the table so that its contents scattered across the floor. ?Whoops, sorry.?

?The floor?s clean, Ficult,? Pash said, to test their reactions. He bent down as though to reach for the nearest one, only to see Solut Ombina deliberately crush it with his boot.

?Ooops,? said Solut unrepentantly, confirming Pash?s gut feeling that there was more to this scenario, and especially those chocolates, than was immediately visible.

?Huh huh huh,? boomed a deep voice behind him. ?Captain Cracken.?

Turning around, Pash sighed. The 3PO unit had been reprogrammed the day before with the voice and laughter of a Hutt, and everybody in the squadron claimed they had no idea who was responsible for the practical joke. It had been funny at first, but amusement had quickly worn away to annoyance. Pash had generously announced an amnesty of one day for the anonymous slicer to reverse his handiwork without fear of a reprisal ? now he wished he?d shortened the time to four hours.

?Hello, Doom,? he said. The droid seemed to frown at him, as much as a protocol droid with no features for facial expressions could frown, and Pash remembered that it wasn?t only the voice which had been changed.

?Hello, Sunuva,? he tried again. Fortunately, he didn?t have to say the entire new name. The droid was, thankfully, content for others to leave off the ?Hutt? ending.

?Huh huh huh, and what will you be drinking this evening?? Sunuva asked, laughing before every sentence as he?d done ever since the reprogramming job.

?He wants to help us drown our sorrows by sharing the biggest tumbler of Whyren?s Reserve that he can afford,? Ficult said.

Pash shook his head. ?Nectarwine, please, Sunuva.?

?Huh huh huh, coming right up, Captain.? Sunuva bowed ever so slightly, then moved away.

?When you are going to stop drinking that berry juice and switch over to a real man?s drink, Captain?? Ficult asked.

Pash ignored the oft-heard jibe, seated himself at the table with the two brothers, and asked, ?Which sorrows need drowning??

?Alant,? Ficult wheezed as though lovesick. ?Alant Nashuan. She left me for another pilot.?

?I didn?t know you two were together,? Pash said, pulling his eyebrows together slightly.

?We had one evening,? Ficult continued to wheeze. ?One glorious evening ? and then he came.?

?That long? You boys are making progress,? Pash teased. ?And who?s this ?he???

 

Pash Cracken as the star!!! I've died and gone to heaven! **hopeless Pash fan** You don't see much of him.

Who's the new guy?

 

A reader, a reader, I have a reader! *faints with joy* Thanks so much for stopping by, Sache8. Hope this next post answers your question:

*****

?Lieutenant Witt,? Solut explained. Pash nodded at the mention of the squadron?s newest pilot, and tried to remember his first name. He was sure it wasn?t Half, as the new pilot was called by the rest of the squadron, but Pash simply could not think of what it really was. Was he getting old, or just saving his memory for more important things?

?She vented me for him,? Ficult sighed.

?She was dumb enough to fall for his speech,? Solut added.

?He told her that he?d applied to join this squadron because of you, Captain. He?d heard that your invulnerability made the rest of us invulnerable as well, so he joined because he knew he?d never get killed and would therefore be able to enjoy her company for the rest of his very long life.? Ficult mimed gagging.

?Makes ya sick,? Solut nodded in agreement.

?Huh huh huh, I hope you are not referring to this wine, gentlemen,? Sunuva boomed, coming up with Pash?s drink.

?Thank you, Sunuva,? Pash said quietly, taking the glass of deep red alcohol and staring at it morosely for a moment before taking a large mouthful. Yes, the lieutenant?s speech made him feel sick, but for a completely different reason than the Ombina brothers might think. Pash knew he wasn?t invincible. He did know that he was talented, and when his talent hadn?t quite been enough, he?d been lucky. At first, he?d dismissed this kind of talk among his pilots, figuring they were only exaggerating, but this report proved it was getting out of hand now.

?We?re talking about love and loss, Sunuva,? Ficult said gloomily.

?Huh huh huh, I shall leave that to you humans. Huh huh huh, watch your feet, here comes Tidy-Droidy Number Two, to clean up this mess.?

Smiling automatically at the designation ?Tidy-Droidy?, which would have been amusing even if not boomed in Hutt-accented Basic, Pash glanced down to see a small rectangular box go by with what appeared to be a tiny shovel and two spindly arms sticking out its front. It whizzed around the floor, scooping up each chocolate and flipping it into the mouth-like opening in its top before moving on to the next one.

?Alant saw me coming to ask her for another wonderful evening,? Ficult was saying. ?She just smiled that special smile of hers and said ?Now don?t get mad, Lieutenant Ombina, but Lieutenant Witt?s already asked me to spend the evening with him.? What else could I do but not get mad? I didn?t get mad, did I, Solut??

?He did not get mad,? Solut nodded.

?He just got even,? Pash guessed, taking another drink and rolling the alcohol around in his mouth for a moment to savour the sweet berry flavour.

?Alant is special,? Ficult said. ?She?s too good for Half Witt! Where else in the galaxy can you find a beautiful girl who can fly, shoot, and, most importantly, doesn?t take all evening to get ready? She came in here early, waiting for him, the same way she got there early and was waiting for me the other night.?

?And you offered her a chocolate to help pass the time?? Pash guessed. ?All right, what have you put in them??

Ficult adopted a hurt expression but had no time to protest his innocence. From the table at the other end of the cantina came a sudden shout of ?Hey!? and Alant leaped up, running forward and staring at something behind Pash. He turned automatically to look, but couldn?t make out what had caught her attention. The door was propped open, to let in the evening breeze, and everything that he could see, both inside and out, seemed to be normal.

?Everybody down!? Alant shouted, diving behind the table next to Pash and the Ombina brothers, and throwing it to the floor so that its surface provided some cover.

?Huh huh huh, what is going on?? Sunuva boomed.

?Get down or they?ll fry your circuits!? Alant shouted, peeping out from behind her makeshift barrier.

?Huh, huh, huh, we?re doomed!? In Sunuva?s regular voice, it would have been a wail o

 

Lacing the chocolates. Tsk, tsk, tsk...

How will Pash, as commanding officer handle the immediate threat of crazy hallucinating woman, and then the disciplinary side of things?

I take it that this little incident is the catalyst for his deciding to join the Rouges? It's been awhile since I read the X-Wing books, but I seem to remember him saying that his squadron thinking he was invicible was the main reason.

 

Oh, yay! I've been hearing about this bunny! Not that I usually lurk much in this forum, but for Jane and a decent squadron story I will happily make an exception!

He was sure it wasn?t Half, as the new pilot was called by the rest of the squadron, but Pash simply could not think of what it really was.

LOVED this bit!

In Sunuva?s regular voice, it would have been a wail of dismay, but the Hutt voice made it sound like a declaration of the end of the galaxy.

Loved this bit, too! Hard to picture a protocol droid grunting like a Hutt, but...

Okay. More, Jane! Write faster! Hup, hup, hup! My only real criticism is that this story deserves a better title.

 

Sache8, I did think about having this little incident be the last straw for Pash, but it refuses to turn out that way. I think he's just becoming aware of the growing problem here, and he'll need a few other incidents before he makes his final decision. Thanks for reading and replying!

Renata, yes, I know it needs a better title. I was thinking of calling it "Time to go Rogue" but now it doesn't fit. But you know how you get something in your mind and just can't get it out? This song got stuck there and won't budge.

In the meantime, here's more:

*****

Stopping to peer around the door jamb, Alant raced out, obviously headed for the shelter of the nearest building. Pash could see her hug the wall of it and peer carefully around the corner.

?Come on,? Pash called out to the others, motioning for them to follow him. ?Let?s make sure she doesn?t get to the hangar. She?s in no condition to fly.?

Although they exited the cantina at a run, and headed straight to the hangar, Alant had too much of a head start. They saw her once, diving to the ground and rolling as though threatened by laser fire from above, then picking herself up almost immediately afterwards. She took a detour around another building, but still managed to come out ahead of them. Pash made his legs pump even faster when he saw that she really was headed to her A-wing.

?Spread out!? he called. ?Try to surround her!?

They were too late, though; Alant had already reached her ship. As luck would have it, her A-wing was one of those closest to the opening, not blocked by other vehicles around it. Nor was there a magnetic containment field, and the hangar doors were wide open to let the hot jungle air circulate. There was nothing left that could impede her progress now, and Pash growled in helpless rage as he saw Alant vault to the cockpit, settle herself, and slam the transparisteel canopy closed. He tried to follow, to bang on the canopy and get her attention, but she was already powering up her engines and engaging the repulsorlifts at almost the same time.

Stopping abruptly, Pash backed away out of range of the repulsors, and bumped into one of the Ombina brothers. They turned as one and raced out of the hangar again, following the A-Wing as it moved slowly to open space, then launched suddenly.

?Maybe she?ll just shoot her lasers off into space until the ? ah ? laxative wears off,? Solut suggested as Ficult and Half came running to join them.

There was an explosion in the jungle just outside of the base.

?Maybe not,? Ficult amended.

?What kind of laxative causes people to hallucinate an Imp attack?? Pash demanded.

?Uh ? the homemade kind?? Solut replied, withering slightly as Pash and Half glared at him.

?Get to your A-Wings, everybody,? Pash said quietly. ?We?re going to have to stop her the hard way.?

As they began to jog back into the hangar, Half suggested hopefully, ?Ion cannons, sir??

?A-Wings aren?t equipped with them,? Pash said in the same quiet tone. ?The objective is to disable her guns and then her engines if possible, without blowing her to pieces.?

?You?re the best shot,? Half grinned. ?I?m your wing.?

And as he jogged towards his ship, Pash wondered if Half had volunteered to be his wing because he knew the Ombina brothers preferred to fight together, or because he really believed that Pash was invincible and that staying as close to him as possible was the best form of life insurance.

By the time Pash and the other pilots had launched and Pash had put the rest of the base on alert, Alant had burned away part of the perimeter fence and a large strip of jungle just outside it.

?Five, this is One,? he said, addressing Alant by her designation and hoping for one last chance to resolve the situation peacefully. ?Report.?

?Six, follow me, I?m going after him,? came the reply, and Alant?s lasers flashed again. Pash saw fires flare in the jungle below, and thanked the Force ? which he?d never believed in until now ? that Alant?s imaginary enemy seemed to be firing on a loca

 

Hello!

I have no idea who these people are - I tend to avoid avidly anything after Return of the Jedi - but as it was Jane.... And her signature was so intreguing...

Interesting twist! Keep up the great work.

Just Jill

 

Wow! Excellent way to get them up and in the air. Not only that, but the impromptu mission's parameters are ten times more tricky than simply just shooting down enemy.


Somehow I don't think the lady's going to be very happy with the brothers when she snaps out of it. Way to win back her affections. **snicker**


Oh, a little off the subject here, but... will there by any chance be any romance for Pash?

 

She?s in no condition to fly

Hm, ya think?

Oh, this is good! Poor Pash! Poor Alant! Boy, I hope those Ombina brothers get what's coming to them! (You n' me, Sache8! We'll tag team them!)

Can't wait to see how this shakes out.

?What kind of laxative causes people to hallucinate an Imp attack?? Pash demanded.

?Uh ? the homemade kind??

 

This is great!

 

Nyuk nyuk nyuk ... I need the recipe for that uh, "laxative." Hilarious!

 

I was very glad to see a new Jane Jinn story...I'm finding this hilarious, especially since it includes humorous A-wing squadron pilot jokes. You don't see that type of story every day!

The droid with a Huttese laugh just cracks me up, especially when he said "?Huh, huh, huh, we?re doomed!? In Sunuva?s regular voice, it would have been a wail of dismay, but the Hutt voice made it sound like a declaration of the end of the galaxy." I can just hear it now (a mixture of Jabba and 3PO).

As for titles, how about
Born to Crash
Flying High
Where's a 'fresher when you need one?
We're doomed
A-wings R US

Sorry...

 

So many enthusiastic replies -- you guys really know how to make a girl feel good. *beams happily*

Just_Jill: Thanks for coming by, especially when you have no idea who these people are. Pash is a very minor character who joined Rogue Squadron under the command of Wedge Antilles for a while, but went back to A-Wings later.

Sache8: Sorry, no chance for romance this time around. I am thinking of expanding this fic later, though, when I'm not constrained by the requirements of the challenge to keep it short. One day I hope to be able to write A-Wing fight scenes, too.

Renata: I think you'll like what's coming to the Ombina brothers ...

Daughter of YubYub: Thanks for reading and replying!

Alion_Sangre: Great to see you here. I'm so glad you think it's hilarious -- I know it must seem pretty much 'bare bones' when compared to the detail-rich Snow Job.

Diane: What a surprise! Thanks so much for stopping by! As for a new title -- maybe I will change it to "We're doomed."

It's a short fic, so there'll only be one more section after this, I'm afraid. But enjoy!

*****

By the time they had disabled Alant?s ship, the ground crew had launched one of the large transports that were big enough to catch A-Wings in tractor beams and stow them in the hold, as was sometimes necessary during battles. It landed again immediately after scooping up Alant, and Pash put his A-Wing down not far away. As he exited his cockpit, he saw the team of waiting medics jog over to the hold as soon as it opened, and put on a burst of speed to catch up with them.

?Is she alive?? he asked, watching them pull Alant?s limp body out of the cockpit with a sinking feeling in his heart.

?Unconscious,? one of the medics replied.

Pash felt the cold sweat of relief wash over him as he followed the stretcher, aware that Half was jogging along behind him. Halfway to the sickbay, the Ombina brothers caught up with them.

?Great flying, Captain!? Ficult said.

?Great shooting, Captain,? Solut added with equal enthusiasm. ?Half, did you see how he just nicked her weapons systems, just enough to disable them and still not blow the ship apart??

?I saw it,? Half replied. ?Right after he ducked out of the way of her concussion missile ? that was smooth!?

They continued to describe the battle in admiring tones, and Pash stopped listening until a remark of Ficult?s caught his attention again.

?Cracken?s Flight Group can survive any situation, whether foe or friend with hallucination,? he rhymed jokingly. ?Hey, I?m a poet and don?t know it.?

Half and Solut groaned laughingly. Reminded of the chocolates, Pash bit down an attack of white-hot temper, spun on his heel, and marched to the cantina.

?Doom ? Sunuva!? he called out, glancing around the empty room.

There was motion from behind the bar, and Sunuva raised his metallic head just high enough so that he could see over the surface.

?Huh huh huh, this is no time to ask for a drink, Captain,? he said. ?Huh huh huh, we?re doomed!?

?Use your sensors, Sunuva,? Pash remarked quietly. ?The danger?s over, the shooting?s stopped.?

Slowly, Sunuva straightened up. ?Huh huh huh, so it has, sir.?

?Has that Tidy-Droidy Number Two been emptied yet??

?Huh huh huh, no, Captain, I thought it best not to expose it to battle conditions.?

?Excellent. Hand it over; I need those chocolates.?

?Huh huh huh, as you wish, Captain, however, I must point out that they are rather filthy, having been both on the floor and inside the droid.?

?I?m not going to eat them, Sunuva, I want to have them analysed.? Pashed leaned down and grabbed Tidy-Droidy as it approached his feet. Tucking it under one arm, he turned to leave the cantina again. ?Thanks, Sunuva, I?ll be back later for that drink.?

*****


?This particular combination of ingredients found inside the chocolates could, depending on the constitution of the human who ingested them, cause vomiting, diarrhea, muscle tremors, insomnia, and, in rare cases, hallucinations,? the 2-1B m

 

Jane, you are a girl after my own heart. A Pash Cracken fic! Yay! Never thought I'd ever see one. What a great idea.

You know, if you were so inclined, you could do a sequal, and another, and call them "The Adventures of Pash Cracken."

Well, maybe that's carrying it a little too far, but a fan can hope!

I would love to see the one where he finally decided to join (or try out for?) Rogue Squadron, though!

Astro

 

*facepalm*

These guys put Wes Janson to shame.

~Rogue

 

Okay, it's official. The title should be "We're Doomed: The Adventures of Pash Cracken." I second the "more Pash stories" vote.

I love that he was smart enough to want to get those chocolates analyzed. I can't WAIT to see what he unleashes on the Ombina boys! (I do hope that Jenson never meets them...*and nudges that bunny in Jane's direction*)

Cracken?s Flight Group can survive any situation, whether foe or friend with hallucination Too funny!

 

astrowoman: thanks for replying! I'm starting to get a taste for this sort of thing and I might well be inclined to do more with Pash Cracken.

rogue11lovesjag: thanks for stopping by. I'm flattered to have my characters favourably compared to Jansen.

Renata: Yes, the new title is official now. And I hope that you're not too disappointed with what Pash unleashes on the Ombina brothers.

Diane: Thank you again for the new title!

And thank you, everybody, for reading and replying. Don't forget, I'm begging for constructive criticism here. If you think this ending isn't quite right, don't hesitate to tell me.

*****

?Lieutenant Nashuan will be resuming normal activity within two days,? Pash announced quietly.

There were sighs of relief, and a few murmured cheers, and then the pilots? attention turned from him back to the Ombina brothers. Pash fixed them with a glare and waited until they?d stood up and snapped to attention.

?Lieutenant Ficult Ombina, Lieutenant Solut Ombina,? he said in the same quiet tone. ?Can either of you give me a good reason why you should not be court martialed??

?We didn?t mean for it to end this way?? Solut murmured.

?The New Republic needs good pilots?? Ficult suggested hopefully.

?Yes,? Pash declared. ?The New Republic needs good pilots. Pilots who attack the enemy, and not their fellow pilots.?

The Ombina brothers wilted visibly.

?But I know that you did not mean to cause Lieutenant Nashuan hallucinate. I know that you did not mean to endanger both her life and the lives of everyone on this entire base. I know that you simply meant to ruin her evening with Lieutenant Witt. Now. I?ve had the chance to think long and hard about this, and instead of having to decimate the squadron, I think I?ve found a way to turn this unfortunate incident to our advantage and use it to strengthen us. Therefore, I am willing to treat this as a practical joke gone wrong, like the way Doom was re-programmed into a Hutt.?

?How?d you know it was us?? Solut asked.

?You just told me,? Pash replied, and Solut grimaced at the way he?d walked into the trap. There were a few outbursts of muffled laughter from the other pilots, which were quickly silenced as everybody waited to hear what else Pash was going to say.

?However, you will both be grounded for a minimum of six weeks. You will be temporarily transferred out of the squadron and your acceptance back into it will depend on one thing. This will be the successful completion of an intensive course in etiquette specifically designed to teach you how to treat women with respect, a course that will be given to you by a protocol droid I know named C-3PO.?

Both brothers stared at him, stunned and horrified. From the other pilots, especially the women, there were loud shouts of surprised joy and the sound of hands slapping hands.

?C-3PO?? Ficult repeated.

?Intensive etiquette?? Solut echoed.

?Captain, that -- that is cruel and unusual punishment!? Ficult protested. ?Couldn?t you court martial us instead??

?Or just kill us and get it over with?? Solut pleaded.

?Send us into Imp territory with a crippled ship and no weapons??

?Surely there?s a Saarlac pit on Tatooine with our name on it.?

?The deepest mine in Kessel!?

Pash shook his head. ?Objections noted, requests denied. As you were, gentlemen.?

The Ombina brothers began to splutter even more, but Pash turned towards the bar and said quietly, ?Sunuva, give me a double shot of Whyren?s Reserve.?

It was strange that it it took the order of a drink he never normally touched to shock the Ombina brothers into total silence. Reflecting on it as the unfamiliar whiskey seared his mouth and throat, Pash finally decided that they?d taken it as a serious sign that they?d gone too far.

After a moment, he heard one of the other pilots comment, ?Ficult and Solut learn how to treat women right? That?s gonna take a lot longer than six weeks.?

Laughter broke the silence, and then there were a few chee

 

The ending is great.

I almost feel sorry for those guys. 3PO?

 

Excellent job, Jane Jinn. Great setup, a few real zingers of jokes, and a fine conclusion. My only quibble is that we don't find out who reprogrammed the protocol droid -- unless that was the brothers as well?

All in all a very nice job.

"The homemade kind?" Hah!

Oh, and I like your sig. Am I correct in assuming that it was the original title? You were right to change it, but even still, worth a giggle.

 

JediHunterCommand:

"...Therefore, I am willing to treat this as a practical joke gone wrong, like the way Doom was re-programmed into a Hutt.?

?How?d you know it was us?? Solut asked.

?You just told me,? Pash replied ...

Was this part not clear? I'll see if I can make it more obvious, then.

And yes, the line in my signature was the original title. I couldn't help giggling over it as well, but I knew I'd need something more serious eventually. Thanks for the compliments!

And thank you, Daughter of Yubyub. Yes, C-3PO was the worst threat I could think of. I'm sure he'll take his new responsibility very seriously indeed.

 

Was this part not clear? I'll see if I can make it more obvious, then.

Well, that's why I thought it might be the brothers, but I wasn't sure. Good to have that nailed down.

 

Jane_Jinn - any time on the titles...LOL.
I loved your ending, especially the part about the brothers having to take etiquette lessons from 3PO. That is a little cruel but I am still giggling about it. They deserve no less!!
And I didn't find the "discovery" of who programmed the Huttese for the droid to be confusing at all and I loved the way Pash tripped the brothers up into confessing.

I'd like to see more Pash and, if you could get Pash and Wes Janson together - it could be even better....sort of a duel of the practical jokes that just go bad...

As for criticism, I couldn't find anything to complain about. The story was the right length, the descriptions and situations flowed well and I enjoyed it.

Oh, btw, I love Luke stories. Could you write one with Luke? How would he react to the practical jokes? Could you even play a practical joke on a Jedi Master? Just a thought.

 

This is marvellous Jane. I too like Pash and am glad to see someone doing something with his character. I really enjoyed the word play in this story. Pash comes over as the way I imagine him to be - thoughtful, a good judge of character and also with a sense of humour. Sounds like he needs it, too, with guys like the Ombinos!
That long? You boys are making progress,? Pash teased. ?And who?s this ?he??? Oh, so dry - I love it.

That idea of the droid with the Hutt voice is hilarious.

I really liked the way you showed how Pash disabled Alant's ship through having the other pilots describe it. So much better than having the narrator's voice do it. I also like the serious aspect lying underneath the humour - it links in well with Pash's reason for joining Rogue Squadron.

The ending works for me.

Thanks for such a well-written and amusing story.

 

Oh, that was great! I liked the etiquette punishment, though I would probably have tacked on X hours' worth of volunteer work at a shelter for battered women.

You realize, of course, that now you HAVE to write another one in this genre for us? I want to see more of Pash's struggle with his own reputation. And see if the brothers have learned anything. Not to mention Alant's revenge! And more of Doom.

Constructive criticism: you'll have to tackle a flying action scene next time, when you have time to develop it. That's about it.

This was nice...short (which was the intent) but gave a good flavor of the different characters.

Okay. Go write another one!