JCC What D&D Monster Are You?!

Hi! This is like one of those profoundly stupid tests that you ***holes keep spamming on Facebook... but better! No cold algorithm will tell you what gay Harry Potter character you are or which My Little Pony is your spirit animal! Me, a certified Dungeon Master with decades of experience, will tell you your inner Monster Manual identity!

So post here, and I will grant upon you the monsterhood you so obviously crave (you post here after all) and the personality everyone wishes you would have! Better than the horoscope, less harmful than political affiliation!



If you don't get a monster or I skip you, it's because I hate you.

 

I am a monster.

 

Go

 

'sup, holmes? Though we know I'm either an immortal amnesiac from Sigil, or a Gelatinous Cube. Either/or.

 

You are a flumph.



You come from the Plane of Silly and Unused Monsters. You look like a flying jellyfish and a flying saucer loved each other very much and you were the final result. You move by farting and your name comes from the sound your gelatinous farts make: flumph! You are pretty smart but unquestionably bizarre, and even though a majority of roleplayers doesn't really get you, you've managed to get a menagerie of diehard fans.

 

//jumps off of high things and lands on a star war as a recurring (occasionally brick) joke...

 

Pls be mindflayer

 

You are a gibbering mouther.



You are an aberration, that's, you hail from the Lovecraftian universe known as "the Far Realm." You do look like a Lovecraftian creature. The incoherent babbling that comes from your multiple mouths works as a confusion spell, either freezing your enemies in their place or blinding them with rage. You are considered a classic creature, and most roleplayers have at least one tale to tell about an encounter with you.

 

moi

 

You are a lich.



You've managed to defy death by keeping your soul in a locket, learning the rules of the game of life so well that you managed to break them. There are countless variants of you in several campaign settings, but you are the original. You are highly intelligent and charismatic, and people tend to pay attention when you enter the room (and then cast a few protection spells)

 

You are a carrionette.



Even though you are sometimes mistaken by a toy or a NINE YEAR OLD, you are actually a foul creature from the Demiplane of Dread and an extremely dangerous opponent. You are like Pinocchio high on bath salts, but instead of wishing to some Fairy Godmother that you want to become a real boy you prefer to steal other people's bodies using some black magic needles that you jab on the necks of your unsuspecting victims. The Demiplane of Dread is a really ****ed up place.

 

You are a sand bride.



You live in the decaying world of Athas, a terrible wasteland constantly blasted by the radiation of a dark sun, but you actually hail from the Negative Plane Energy, a world where literally nothing lives. You've seen some ****. Even though you appear to be a female human, your actual shape is far more sinister. As you are made of sand, swords and spears pass through you causing no harm, and you attract desert marauders to their dooms, draining them of their life essence until they become dried-out husks.

 

... how does she consume all of that red wine then?

 

This is perhaps the greatest of all the threads. Ever.

 

You are a minotaur.



You are big and you tend to carry big, vicious-looking weapons. Even though you have accumulated a lot of lore that has little to do with the mythological origin of minotaurs, you somehow possess the ability to find the exit of all mazes and labyrinths. You are inherently cunning. It's been declared that you adore the demon Baphomet, but most roleplayers ignore that part of the fluff unless it fits their particular adventure.

 

I dare you.

 

You are an owlbear.



You are part bear, part owl, and Gygaxian as ****. You don't have any special abilities: you just peck at your enemies with your massive beak, over and over until they fall apart. Most people tend to laugh at the idea of you until you end up destroying their carefully designed fighter/wizard/psion atrocities. You killed one of my favorite AD&D characters, the tastefully-named samurai Hiroshimo Nagasaki, and that means I hate you.

 

This will be fun.

 

Me pls

 

You are a hobgoblin.



You've been around for a long time, but most non-diehards are not sure what you are. Are you like a more-disciplined goblin? A small bugbear with better armor? Is the different name just a cultural thing or what? Oldtimers can easily tell you apart from your goblinoid cousins, though, and they know you are military-oriented, and better organized and more skilled than your green-skinned brethen.

 

so basically I peck away at my enemies until they're dead by -2ing them ad infinitum?

 

You are the Tarrasque.



Even though you are not one of the demon lords, many people see you as the final boss of the game. You come from a strange far-away land, and you are considered a continent-level threat. Impossible to kill, able to regenerate your wounds at a ridiculous rate, able to tear off limbs and heads with one single bite and to terrorize your enemies with just one look. Many players think that you can work your evil with total impunity, but they are just not l33t enough: my druid killed a Tarrasque just by getting fly cast on. N00bs.

 

Monster, please.