Before - Legends What Matters Now (KOTOR, semi-AU)

Title: What Matters Now
Author: karebear
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Star Wars in general or the KoTOR game specifically.
Spoilers: Huge, blatant ones for KoTOR (the game). You have been warned.
Summary: Carth was right not to trust her and he couldn't stay, but she needed to say goodbye, even though she knew he wouldn?t listen...
Author?s Notes: So over spring break I finally got around to playing KoTOR, and it was amazing, and then I hit a glitch in the game that allowed me to get to the critical character revelation and no further. But in some ways that?s good, because it allowed me the time to really reflect on it and write out this piece before I start play again and eventually find out how it all ends.


She?d left the holorecorder on the console in the cockpit, where Carth would be sure to see it. Chances were good that he would leave, and she was hardly one to stop him, but she wanted, at least, to say goodbye.

He?d packed up and walked away, and she?d stayed locked in her cabin the entire time they?d been on-planet because she had enough to think about without thinking about him, and she?d only wandered out again when her stomach began to gnaw at her in the cold of space, more than a standard day later. Slowly chewing the tasteless ration bar she?d grabbed from the storage cabinets, she found her way to the cockpit. For once she was alone there, since she and Bastila had been mutually avoiding one another, and most of the others on the Ebon Hawk seemed to disappear at her approach, consciously or not.

The blinking red light from the holorecorder called out to her, and she felt her heart sink as she collapsed into the empty pilot?s seat. Knowing the message was from her, he?d left without hearing it. And though she couldn?t say she was surprised, it did hurt to know that he didn?t trust her even enough to listen one last time.

She hit the message play button and let the sound of her own voice wash over her as she attempted to figure out where to go from here.

You and I both are doers, more than thinkers. It?s hard for me to compose my thoughts, to really plan things out instead of just doing what feels right. So a lot of this is going to ramble on and not make any sense, but I have to say it anyway.

Carth... you don?t have to listen to me, and if you turned this recording off right now just so you don?t have to hear my voice again, I?d understand. But even though you might not hear it, I feel like I need to tell you, like you have to know... what you told me about your wife, it makes me hurt inside. The kind of evil that could laugh while watching that, even once, I can?t imagine it. Revan ordered the deaths of thousands, of millions. You know better than most, the pleasure the Dark Lord took in watching worlds burn. I know I?ve done some things that seemed cold, and cruel... but I could never, ever do something like that. You were with me on Taris, and you know that it haunted my nightmares for weeks afterwards. I still can barely look Mission in the eye. What I did on Korriban was worse, and even though I was alone there, I kept seeing you in my head. Would Revan feel guilty?

I?m not that person anymore. Maybe I was once. I don?t know. I can?t remember. And I know that doesn?t excuse what I?ve done, and if you don?t want to stay, I don?t blame you. If I were you, I?d walk away. Because it took you so long, to open up just that little bit. I know it?s hard for you to trust anyone, and then it turns out you were right about me all along. So is it paranoia if it?s true?

I won?t tell you that I can?t do this by myself, because I will always, always survive, alone if I have to. But I will tell you, before you go, that I count on you, more than anyone. You stayed with me, despite everything, not judging me, or using me the way Bastila and the Jedi did, as some tool to achieve your own ends. You simply guarded my back, kept me safe, worked with me despite the secrets that I kept from you, and if, in the end, it got

 

So is it paranoia if it's true?

Very good questions, all.

I hope Carth has some good answers when they meet up again.

Please establish a pm list and add me to it!

 

Very good start. It intrigued me thus far, I would like to read more. Good characterisation, by the way.

 

This certainly is a different side to Revan, that's for sure. I'm interested in seeing where this will go; whether Revan will accept that Carth doesn't want to talk to her, or whether she'll go all mad like some vengeful girlfriend and start stalking him.

Kudos.

 

Holy Hell, that was amazing. The way you portrayed Revan was heartbreaking and I could definately feel the emotion in her voice during the message. I can't wait to see what Carth has to say and think about it.

 

Ah,intriguing!

Will there be more, by any chance?