What the Heart Hides. Obi, Ani, Siri - drama, humor, comfort. Complete as of 090208.

That was absolutely great! Poor Obi-Wan. Living with that meies is a torture itself, in addition to his scars and bruises he got from the physical torture once.

Great update!

 

Poor Obi, having to talk about that. It's better than keeping it couped up, but still! And poor Siri having to listen.

Thanks for the PM!

Edit: Consumation!

 

The angst is building, and soon the walls will crumble.
I can see the future, Siri will hold him and he will release
his pain and then they will be as one.

Well I hope they will be as one, if Anakin can have Padme, then Obi can have Siri.

excellent.

 

You already know how much I loved this post. You draw your readers right into the plight of your characters, I'm so envious!

By the way, thank you for the kind words, but I assure you, my dear friend, you do not need lessons!

 

Amazing, amazing post

Poor Obi-Wan ... he's really having a difficult time, but Siri's right to push him because it's the only way he can finally face everything and start accepting and moving on from what was done to him.

Great to see u back despite the difficulties, sometimes Darth Real Life can be a pain ... i'll be working on that lottery ticket, i need to retire myself, so i'll keep u posted

Thanks a lot for the pm.... cant wait for the next chapter

 

Wow ! I could really feel Obi-wan's struggle here. Amazing post!

 

I can't imagine what that has to be like for Siri to sit there and see this man who has always been so strong struggle through this admit that he wanted to die.

I am glad Siri is there for him. This is something he wouldn't divulge to Yoda or the Council, certainly not Anakin, and probably no one else.

 

Let it all out, Obi! Stick with him, Siri. Awesome update...

Raptor517

 

Stunning, absolutely stunning. Siri is urging him to talk and she should. That's the way to reach him. Go for it Siri.

Great update. Loved the entire chapter. Worthy of becoming a novel.

 

I'm breaking my rule of no responses so shortly after updating just to clarify a new policy I'm instituting - I will not name posters in general all-encompassing responses. I will specifically and only address your own comments in my response to you.

General comments, etc., will be free of quotes and/or names.

I apologize for any perceived lapses in tact and/or any insensitivity to others. Please, please address any concerns via PM if necessary.


Since I've already written these responses to already posted messages, I will post these before going forward.

Kyana-Morgaine: Living with that meies is a torture itself, in addition to his scars and bruises he got from the physical torture once.

?Twas a horrible experience, indeed.

Lolly_Tolly: Poor Obi, having to talk about that. It's better than keeping it couped up, but still! And poor Siri having to listen. Not easy, of course, but after this chapter it?s faced and put behind Obi-Wan, though I?m sure never forgotten, either.

Consumation! Okay.

Gkilkenny: I can see the future, Siri will hold him and he will release his pain and then they will be as one. Well I hope they will be as one Perhaps.

Jedidas3: You draw your readers right into the plight of your characters, I'm so envious! Why? Seriously, you make us inhabit the same world as your characters.

Veloz: Poor Obi-Wan... he's really having a difficult time, but Siri's right to push him because it's the only way he can finally face everything and start accepting and moving on from what was done to him

Both Siri and Obi-Wan realize he has to move past the shock and pain to heal, and Obi?s asked Siri to help push him where he wants to be. He wants healing but he?s just that bit afraid, yet, but he knows Siri will be stronger than he is, if necessary.

i'll be working on that lottery ticket, i need to retire myself, so i'll keep u posted Maybe we writers should pool our resources and buy blocks of tickets! More time to read and write for everyone!

Charie: I could really feel Obi-wan's struggle here. And in this next one. Future struggles will be dealing with his feelings for Siri.

Master_Noi I can't imagine what that has to be like for Siri to sit there and see this man who has always been so strong struggle through this admit that he wanted to die. Perhaps one of the hardest things she?ll ever have to live through.

I am glad Siri is there for him. This is something he wouldn't divulge to Yoda?. Hmm, I see Yoda. If this weren?t a Siriwan, it?d probably be Yoda ? and a lot more Yoda in this story. Those two really connect, and though it would be horribly difficult to admit his ?weakness? and struggles, I could see him unburdening himself.

Raptor517: Let it all out, Obi! Stick with him, Siri. She will, like glue. It?ll be a bit of a surprise for Anakin when he shows up (no, he doesn?t blow his top or anything ? nothing dramatic at all).

earlybird-obi-wan: Siri is urging him to talk and she should. That's the way torach him. Obi knows it, too, which is why he asked her to push him, to not let him back off.


Current PM list after latest addition and deletion:

VaderLVR64
Dianethx
Luna_Nightshade
earlybird-obi-wan
obsessedwithSW
Gkilkenny
JediMasterJessica
Ascal_Elessar
Alley_Skywalker
Veloz
General_Kenobi_66
ObiWans_Gurl86
Erikawr05
Jedidas3
G__Anakin
Raptor517
___Sithspawn___
LordPullus
Charie
Romola1138
JediKnight_Mat
Snowspeeder_gunner
Cole_Kenobi
Calimora
All_othr_nams_tkn
EGKenobi
LilyHobbitJedi
Darth_Drachonus
LadyLunas
Bastet
Darth_Teacher
Lolly_Tolly
Kyana-Morgaine

 

I agree with you that the Jedi would look at Obi-Wan and see only hurt whereas he's be worried about darkness. That's our Obi-Wan, always sacrificing, always trying to be the absolute best and help others even when he's the one who needs the help.

Thanks on the awards. I was really quite surprised. I was also thrilled that jedidas3 won! Go, Padawan. Plus I was so happy, practically jumping up and down when you won Best Canon and Epic. Go, you!


This post was so full of emotion that it was hard to read at times. I wanted to throttle Obi-Wan for being so stubborn and yet I wanted to hug him and make the hurt go away (not that it would help but he needs comforting so badly). I'm glad that Siri was there for him, helping him to face his own horrors. He needs that support; I don't think anyone could really handle that kind of trauma alone. Of course, worse than the physical agony was the mental.


?That abomination was forced over my head. It twists the Force back against the wearer. Just reaching for the Force triggered it?I couldn?t stop reaching for the Force, I couldn?t?I had to train myself to avoid it?so that I could try, just for a second to touch it, but a second was too long ? Force, it was far too long,? his breathing hitched and his eyes were clenched tight against the remembered pain.

?Then they brought Alpha in; they tortured him in front of me to get me to break but I wouldn?t ? I couldn?t ? I was forced to be a spectator at another man?s torture?and that mask told me I was enjoying it, wanted to watch?push him over the edge myself and watch him drown in madness. That is when I was half convinced I was insane myself.?

Sudden tears glistened on his eyelashes and Siri reached up to brush one away, letting her hand linger on Obi-Wan?s damp cheek, feeling hers to be no drier.

?And now?.?? She spoke as gently as she could, her throat constricting with the pain that was his, and now hers as well.

?Now, now I think I truly was.?

That may be why his control of the Force is so wobbly, because he's afraid that he'll descend into madness by touching it again. I could certainly understand that. It was the worst thing that happened to him there and he's only starting to come to grips with it.

Great job. Loving it!

 

This is a beautifully crafted post. You portrayed Obi-Wan's emotional struggle so well.

?What?s this about the ?great? Obi-Wan Kenobi? Never met the guy.? She could tell he was trying desperately to find something humorous to deflect the conversation...

This line was very believable. Obi-Wan especially seems the type to use humor to redirect focus away from uncomfortable subjects.

For a long moment it seemed that Obi-Wan huddled within himself, locked away with memories he was afraid to face, or had forgotten how to face. His eyes finally met hers, finding something there that allowed him to find the strength to face and then release the last of the pent up feelings clearly devouring him from the inside. His words started slow, building momentum.

?As I said before, Siri, I was drugged; I was poisoned and I was forced to wear a - ,? he blinked as his lips trembled before tightening. ?I was made to do things, think things?watch things - that was bad enough, but then - when Alpha was ? I watched. I stood there without blinking as the blood poured from him, as she inflicted bruises that turned his entire body purple and she ? I ? I -,? he couldn?t continue.

She could almost feel him asking for forgiveness from both the Force and the woman before him, waiting for the scorn and dismay for being weak?for being all too human when he should have been a Jedi?.

This passage really resonated with me and seemed completely authentic. This absolutely captures the painful vulnerability of experiencing the expectant scrutiny of another person--no matter how kind--in such a situation. Obi-Wan doesn't want to hide what he believes to be the truth from Siri, yet he's not sure he can bear to lose her respect or sympathy. Besides saying it out loud (and for that matter even thinking about it consciously) will likely make it seem all the more real to him. The tension to confess mounts yet conflicts with the tremendous inertia borne of fear of change--in his relationships and especially in his character. I imagine those moments spent deciding to speak seemed interminable and the sense of exposure acutely uncomfortable. When he finally does begin to speak, he can't complete a thought--a sign of the turmoil going on inside. And when he's done (for the moment) it's like he's waiting for a verdict and expecting condemnation.

It seems like maybe he's finally confessed his greatest fear though he'll probably need to delve deeper. This was a very sad scene, but hopefully also the beginning of true healing.

Throughout it all, Siri was both firm and gentle with him--a true friend.

Lovely job.

 

Hey Val I m still following this story. But please excuse my lack of comments I do apprciate your storytelling however I have been so busy I havent even had the brain power after work to give a coherent reply. Please keep me on your pm list. Thanks

 

Last few updates have been awesome! Glad to see Siri is finally able to get through to Obi-Wan.

Keep up the great work, this is a great story!

 

This is one of those stories you can just live in. The beautiful description, characterization, plotting and all the lovely, poignant drama build a stunning structure. Obi-Wan is purely Obi-Wan in this, too often forgetting he is human in his need to serve the Force and the Jedi. So your story provides Anakin as the perfect balance, so very human and emotional. I think all your readers agree that this should never end. Every update is too good.

 

Dianethx: That's our Obi-Wan, always sacrificing?. With luck, just as I hope to mature Anakin, I want Obi-Wan to learn it is acceptable to put his own needs first even if just once in a while and than he won?t be judged/condemned for doing so. I can really see where the ?goody-goody? or ?perfect? label might be stuck on him by others, but I don?t think he?s so much that as, well, almost afraid he?ll be letting others down if he doesn?t put them first. I also think it?s a persona, a shell he developed young as a defense against ?unworthiness,? etc.

I wanted to throttle Obi-Wan for being so stubborn and yet I wanted to hug him and make the hurt go away (not that it would help but he needs comforting so badly) Hmm, did I model Siri on you? That is her response, too, though in this chapter I don?t see stubbornness so much, as much as fear of being vulnerable and exposed as Nada_smith put it so eloquently.

That may be why his control of the Force is so wobbly, because he's afraid that he'll descend into madness? It was the worst thing that happened to him there and he's only starting to come to grips with it. Hmm, thanks for the thought ?cuz I?m still fighting to define the mask?s properties in a plausible way. What Obi?s confessed so far isn?t the worst ? but ?the worst? is really a natural outgrowth of what he has said ? I just needed to break this chapter into two. What will enable us to ?fix? it somewhat ridiculously easily is Siri?s information ? we will find certain truths to be misconceptions, and once his reality has been redefined, the fear is all but banished and the pain lessens.

nada_smith I?d quote almost your entire response to you because that is exactly what I hoped to convey! A response like yours just makes my day ? we connected; someone ?got? ? really ?got? what I wanted to communicate! We know Obi-Wan hates to be vulnerable, and this was really laying it on the line, especially when you consider Siri is the woman he loves, not just a friend.

Obi-Wan doesn't want to hide what he believes to be the truth from Siri, yet he's not sure he can bear to lose her respect or sympathy. Besides saying it out loud (and for that matter even thinking about it consciously) will likely make it seem all the more real to him. Yet, by the very act of speaking, he is ?facing,? but that ultimately is what will see him through this.

It seems like maybe he's finally confessed his greatest fear ...hopefully also the beginning of true healing. Throughout it all, Siri was both firm and gentle with him--a true friend. He?s got one last ?confession? to get through, but at the end he and Siri will be at peace. Not 100%, not for a long while, but I?m using the inner strength of both to be able to ?transcend? the pain once it?s in the open. It may play a bit quick but I want to move past this in as quick and believable a manner as possible, so minimal post-confession angst from either one.

This is Siri?s great strength ? she has the backbone to prod the reluctant despite the pain because she knows after pain is peace, so she can be what Obi-Wan needs most ? that good and accepting friend who?ll kick him in the rear at the same time she?s holding him up so he won?t fall from that kick.

In this sense, Yoda was 100% correct ? it is love that did and will save Obi.

obsessedwithSW have been so busy I havent even had the brain power after work to give a coherent reply. Please keep me on your pm list. Ah, yes, Friday the 1st was especially bad for me ? I understand the lack of coherency. Don?t worry; only remove readers from the PM list at the reader?s request or after 5 unopened PM?s. I hope things slow down a bit for you.

snowspeeder_gunner Glad to see Siri is finally able to get through to Obi-Wan. She hits it out of the ballpark this chapter, leading Obi-Wan to eventually believe he?ll be able to help Anakin open up, too ? if he succeeds, will that prevent Anakin from pledging himself to the Sith? (Stay tun

 

OMG this was beautiful

Perfect, wonderful, amazing

I have no further words... wonderful job with this, simply wonderful

 

Aw. It's so wonderful! You're such a brilliant writer!

Thanks for the PM!

 

Wonderful!

A kiss!

 

Oh that was so beautiful! You are the master of Obi writing. So perfect. Can't wait for more.

 

Hi! Your reply was so nice. I really like your writing and the last post especially felt very authentic so I'm glad I was able to convey that. As for this week...Beautiful job again! I don't know how you manage to make the emotional subtext seem so vivid to me, yet still keep Obi-Wan very much in character as a reserved Jedi but it definitely works!

Obi-Wan rubbed his face and let out a sigh. He was silent a moment, before adding softly, ?I didn?t act on my hate because I was in chains, not because of any choice on my part. Ironic, isn?t it, that what partially saved me was her chains??
...
That mask didn?t impose darkness on me; it pulled it from within me.?

These two passages seem to me to underscore how distressing it was to Obi-Wan that the darkness seemed to be within him while the locus of control that checked it was without. He once probably wouldn't have thought he could hate and cause suffering, much less derive perverse pleasure from it, and yet he thinks he did just that. ?I reveled in those thoughts, Siri ?I shivered in delight.? How horrific this must have seemed to him! Since he thinks he did the unexpected once and he doesn't really know how he overcame it, he doesn't seem to trust himself anymore, and that's a terrible thing.

?And have you forgotten that you?re also a man? A human being with very human feelings? You?re more than a man, but no less than one, either. You?re never going to be that perfect Jedi you wish you were. There is no such thing. Every single one of us is gifted with the Force and highly trained ? but we are still sentient beings, fallible and imperfect.

I think Obi-Wan is mature and humble enough to accept that he'll never be the perfect Jedi, but I don't think he'll ever stop striving to be one anyway.

In this moment, he had the Force and yet he still reached to her.

This line was just perfect. All along you've shown how he usually relies on the Force even when other support might be available. Now that he is starting to have access to the Force, he's still leaning on Siri. It shows a major deepening in their relationship.

I loved this post. I think it was very well done! Thanks as always for writing and sharing with us.

 

?Tears, you stubborn gundark. The real you ? the real Obi-Wan Kenobi ? was crying inside all the time, fighting, always fighting against the dark. No matter what that horrible mask made you think or say, it made you do nothing. It didn?t have the power to overcome your light. You were there all along, fighting and crying against the dark ? resisting with every bit of strength. A man who can cry for another when by all rights he should be screaming from his own pain ? you?re really some kind of Jedi, all right. An inspiration to us all.?

?So I ? didn?t ? I didn?t?..?

?No, Kenobi, no. What you did there, what you endured there, earned nothing but Alpha?s respect. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing.? Dawning realization was slow to bloom, but it was a joy to watch, to see each emotion in turn pass over his face.

Hope, understanding, and then - finally, relief.

Siri wiped away her own tears, unable to stop their slow slide down her cheeks any longer. Her heart as well as her eyes were overflowing with the joy that Obi-Wan was finally finding the freedom he so deserved.

The tears nearly spilled into sobs when he brushed one that had escaped, still reaching out to others ? always reaching out to others.

?So?,? he swallowed, ?the ?

?Yeah. You just had too much Light in you for your own good.?

Yess that's Obi-Wan always helping others and a being of pure light.

WOW what a revellation.

Loved it

 

All is explained! Awesome, awesome concept. With an even more awesome post. Way to go! (My turn to babble praises are over...next?)

Raptor517

 

That was wonderful. I'm so glad that Obi took the risk to tell Siri the truth as he thought it was. The utter shame he felt and the horror and at last he's able to let it go, even a little.

Loved this.

?And have you forgotten that you?re also a man? A human being with very human feelings? You?re more than a man, but no less than one, either. You?re never going to be that perfect Jedi you wish you were. There is no such thing. Every single one of us is gifted with the Force and highly trained ? but we are still sentient beings, fallible and imperfect.

?Of course the man you are felt dark side emotions ? but you didn?t give in to them. You?ve mastered your hate, Kenobi, what lingers you?ve directed against yourself. You?re the very last person you should hate or fear. Let it all go, Obi-Wan, forgive yourself if you think there?s need. No one else does. You?ve forgiven her, haven?t you? Then why not yourself??

Obi-Wan stared at her and then sighed as his shoulders slumped. ?I?ve been a fool, haven?t I??

Oh, Obi!

?No. You?re someone who was deeply hurt and couldn?t see his way out, so turned his pain inwards rather than against someone else. You were still in shock, but now that you?ve recognized it, you can let it go into the Force. Release it, love, let it go.?

Wonderful!

 

The whole chapter was riviting, and that long kiss, but not long enough.

Siri has to break down that stubborn wall of his, and make him see her as a woman
not a Jedi.

excellent.