JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

I'm on a seafood diet. Whenever I see food, I eat it.

 

RIP to my pet mouse, Elvis, who was tragically killed last night.

He was caught in a trap.

 

my life

 

There were two cats swimming across a river, one English cat, named one two three, and a French cat named un deux trois.

Which one made it across the river?

One two three. Sadly, un deux trois quatre cinq.

 

- You're out of order!
- I'm working just fine.

 

A guy is in bed with his sister.
Sister goes "woah, you sure **** better than dad!"
Brother replies "I know, mom told me that as well, last time."

Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk

 

I put the christmas decorations up myself last year.

I had to go to the hospital to get them removed.

 

Man: "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
Waiter looks into the soup and says: "Looks like the backstroke, sir."

 

If you get attacked by a mob of clowns...

...go for the juggler.

 

Steve here wanted to skip ahead and take a shortcut in life so he married a woman who was already pregnant. She was four months in, that's valuable time saved.

 

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

He's married.

 

why?

boone!

 

Diggy, your breadth of knowledge in this area is approaching Master Lok Shaw Brothers Films level. I'm genuinely impressed. Not even being sarcastic. Your posts just land right in that sweet spot of terrible but brilliant.

 

goddammit, it took me over three months to get this joke.

 

"Daddy, can you bring me a glass of water?"
"All right, but then you have to go to sleep."
5 minutes later:
"Daddy, can you bring me a glass of water?"
"OK, but this is the last one. You have to go to sleep now."
10 minutes later:
"Daddy, can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No, you've had enough to drink! Now go to sleep!"
15 minutes later:
"Daddy, can you bring me a glass of water?"
"If you ask me for one more glass of water, you're going to be punished! Go to sleep!"
5 minutes later:
"Daddy, can you bring me a glass of water when you come to punish me?"

 

That's very sweet of you to say!

I do read a lot of dumb jokes, but try and only post the ones I think will have appeal.

For example, why did the sperm cross the road?

Because you put on the wrong socks on today.

 

"My dog has no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Bloomin' awful!"

 

that was funnier when hitler told it.

 

That one has at least three layers, Asp.

Why could t the life guard save the hippy?

He was too far out, man.

 

Thanks, that's very sweet of you.

If you can believe it, people used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a stand up comedian.

Well nobodies laughing now!

 

Two cannibals are eating Daniel Tosh. One turns to the other and asks "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"



Why should you never buy shoes from a drug dealer?

Spoiler

Because he always laces them, and you'll keep tripping all day.

 

Chess:

Ohhh would you look at that, my pawns found jesus and now they’re all bishops.

Hey welcome back. while you left to get a snack, those six pieces you’d captured slipped their guards, tunneled to safety and emerged right in the middle of your royal palace.

 

Why are there no cars on German roads?
Because of the auto ban.

Went to the zoo the other day. Only one animal there. A dog.
It was a ****zu.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together.

Tried to catch fog the other day.
Mist.