JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

Where does a lobster go to catch a train?

King's Crustacean

 

If you want to survive a worldwide flood, I Noah guy.

 

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Doorbell repair man!



Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich!

Genie: What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

 

Two blondes are having breakfast when one says to the other, "I slept with two Brazilian guys last night." The other blonde responds in great surprise, "Wow, I don't think I've even met that many guys!"

 

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we've got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

 

Patrick is driving along the road and he spots young Timmy sitting on the curb, crying his eyes out.

"What's wrong, Timmy?"

"It's me Ma, she's died," Timmy sobbed.

"Would you like to me fetch Father O' Brien for you?"

"No thanks, sex is the last thing on my mind."

 

Dani's dog recently died, so I bought her an identical one.

She was livid! "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?" she asked.




What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

 

Did you hear the one about the ceiling?
Never mind; it would be over your head.

Did you hear the one about the rope?
Ah, skip it.

 

Congratulations!
You have won the main prize!
You can choose between $200 or two tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute show.

To claim your prize, press '1' for the money, '2' for the show.

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

 

I have a friend named David who lost his ID.

Now, we call him Dav.

 

This will go over.

 

It literally took me two days to get this.

 

Two cows are out grazing in a field. One looks at the other and asks "So what do you think about this 'Mad Cow' disease?"

The other one raises a hoof and says "Don't ask me; I'm a helicopter."

 

Why did the Jedi cross the road?

To get to the Dark Side.

 

When it comes to skiing, my favorite part is at the top of the hill. It's all downhill from there.

 

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

Sex on TV isn't bad. It only hurts when you fall off.

 

What do you call a doctor who works on one of the islands near Alaska? An optical Aleutian.

 

Two hugs slabs of road sit at a bar, drinking. A slender strip of road walks in and they both back away into a corner looking terrified.

A guy in the bar asked: "Why are you so scared of him? You're so much bigger than he is."

One of them replies: "Yeah, but he's a cycle path."

edit:- works best in a Bristolian/West Country accent.

 

Joey said, "I want something that goes from 0-200 in seconds."
So, his friend Tom got him a bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started...

 

But if you Russia around and Ukraine your neck, don't Crimea river.

 

I've just finished a jigsaw puzzle that took me 18 months to complete. I'm actually quite proud of myself, the box said 3-5 years.