JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

One day 17 years old Bernie decided he was going to have to make the perhaps biggest announcement of his life. The moment all young men (and women) fear the most. A moment that might change the course of his life forever. A moment from which nothing may ever be the same again.

He was going to to Come Out to his parents.

Very solemnly Bernie said:

"Mum, Dad, please sit down I've got something very important to tell you"

Bernie's mum and dad looked at each other with a fearful expression? What on earth could their Son have to say that was so serious?

Bernie's mum and dad sat down and Bernie began:

"I've got something very important to tell you. Something that may leave you shocked and may change the way you think about me forever. Well... the truth is... And please don't get angry but... Well... I'm gay" !

The room fell silent. Bernie's mum and dad looked at one another with completely blank expressions. Bernie's head fell to the floor. The silence hung in the air for a few seconds but it seemed like a lifetime.

Then, very slowly and without saying a word Bernie's dad rose to his feet, walked to the living room door and stomped upstairs.

Bernie could hear his father in his parents bedroom, banging drawers and cupboard doors. Bernie's mum said nothing.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry mum I really didn't mean to upset dad like this" Bernie cried. "Do you think he'll will be OK?"

Bernie's mum just shrugged and said nothing.

A few moments later Bernie's dad kicked open the living room door and growled at Bernie's mum:

"Here you go Beryl, the ten pounds I owe you"

 

So, was your name David? Shall we now call you Dav?

 

I have no ea.

 

I know a great knock-knock joke

You start it.




What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper

Or

A zebra with a sunburn

Or

A penguin with a sunburn

Or

A panda with a sunburn

Or

An embarrassed nun

Or

An old Russian movie

 

I actually got someone to do a variation on that.

"I heard a great knock-knock joke. Say 'knock-knock.'"

"Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

*awkward silence*

It was great.

 

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

 

Son: why is my sister's name Teresa?

Dad: well, your mum loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.

Son: That makes sense, thanks Dad!

Dad: You're welcome, Alan.

 

United Airlines offering a new in-flight meal: knuckle sandwiches!

 

‘When clock goes forward it goes tictac but when Rommel goes backwards it’s tactic.’
(British Desert War joke)

 

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too cocky.

"Whatever, sweetheart, just shut the door on your way back in."

 

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

It's a wrap.

 

When you drive through Louisiana, pay attention to the scenery as it goes Bayou.

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I thought I saw a Russian plane, but it was just an Ilyushin.

 

Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

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I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people.

 

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

Someone once asked what I would be doing in 3 years.

I said I didn't have 2020 vision.

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a podiatrist.

But I couldn't get my foot in the door

 

There were some eye doctors on islands near Alaska.

They were optical Aleutians.

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Elijah's parents were good business people because they raised a prophet.