JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

 

What's brown and sticky?


A stick.

 

What's red and orange?

45 tweeting.

 

What did one salad say to the other on Valentine's Day?

I love you from my head down tomatoes.

 

If you want to know the prescription for my corrective lenses, you can look on my website. It's in the Contact Info.

 

Now my band will perform a song called 'Subtraction'.

Take it away!

 

A priest joins an order where he takes a vow of silence, but he can say two words every decade. After ten years, the head priest goes to see him, and asks if he has anything to say. "Bed. Hard." So they get him a softer bed. Ten years later, and head priest again asks if he has anything to say. "Food. Bad." So they give him better food. Another ten years pass, and in the meantime the head priest has died and been replaced. The new head priest goes and asks the penitent man if he has anything to say. "I. Quit." And the head priest replies, "I'm not surprised. According to my note's you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Don't start anything."

 

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive her car?

Because the automobile wasn't widely used back then.

 

Three men named F--- Off, S--- and Manners were walking down the street. S--- crossed the road without looking and got hit by a car. Manners quickly went to see if he was alright and move him off of the road, while F--- Off ran to get help.

F--- Off came across a police officer and exclaimed "Help! My friend has been hit by a car!" The officer replied "Calm down sir, we'll get help. Just tell me your name."

He replied "F--- Off."

"What did you say?" replied the officer.

"F--- Off!" he shouted.

The officer aggressively asked "Where are your manners!?"

F--- Off replied "He's down the road picking up S---."

 

Why did the socialist chicken cross the road?

Federal funding

 

A blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog and the bartender begins to greet him, but is shocked to see the man grab the dog by the tail and swing it around his head.

"What the hell are you doing?!" cries the bartender.

The blind man shrugs. "Just having a look around."

 

A teenager was offered a football scholarship for Starfleet Academy, but he turned it down because he would have to red shirt his first year.

 

"I love new pussycat."
"What's new pussycat?"
"Whoa oh whoa oooh!"

 

It's really profound how childhood experiences shape our lives. Take Michael Jackson. Made to practise all day instead of being outside playing, he would say "but dad, I want to play with the other kids!" And his dad would say "**** the kids!"

That leaves an impact.

 

What do you call a canine magician?

A Labracadabrador.

 

Houdini liked using trap doors for his tricks. It was a stage he was going through.

 

Spoilers!

 

Vegans say that butchers are gross.

But someone who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.

 

I used to be a banker. But then I lost interest.

 

I was wondering why the morning sky was getting brighter. Then it dawned on me.

 

I don't usually tell dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.

 

As I type, my kids are throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.