JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

Visitors to Hogwarts would drop in for a spell.

 

I've just been stung by a bee. $30 for a jar of honey.

 

A woman opens her door on Halloween to find a young boy in a pirate costume. "Where are your buccaneers?" she asks. "Under my buckin' hat, lady."

 

How much does a pirate charge for corn on the cob?

 

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks "some ***hole's got my pen!"

 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of
Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that
a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he
would conduct the interviews personally and went up into
the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,
he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply
for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened
in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and
plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around
the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before. As they silently parted to
let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop replied, sadly,
"but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily
on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless
campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for
the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach
him said,
"Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless
wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the
armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike
the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died
on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief
at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

A man gets a job at the zoo, and is given three jobs. The first is to feed the fish. As he does, a big fish jumps up and bites him. To show the fish who’s boss, he beats the biter to death with a shovel. Knowing his new employees won’t be pleased with this, he throws the corpse into the lion cage, because lions will eat anything.

Next, he has to clean out the chimpanzee cage. Some of the chimpanzees start throwing coconuts at him, so the man swings his trusty shovel, killing two of the attackers. Knowing his new employees won’t be pleased with this, he throws the corpses into the lion cage, because lions will eat anything.

Then he has to get honey from the South African bees. The bees attack, so the man swings the shovel, until all the bees are squashed and dead. Knowing his new employees won’t be pleased with this, he throws the corpses into the lion cage, because lions will eat anything.

Later that day, a new lion arrives, and asks the other lions, “how’s the food here?”


“Brilliant!” Another lion replies, “today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.”

 

my gf asked me to stop singing wonderwall to her
I said maybe

 

Why do Norwegian warships have bar codes on their sides?

So every time the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

I tried to change my password to Beefstew1, but the computer told me it wasn't stroganoff.

 

Quasimodo got home from a day's work, and found his mother getting a wok out the cupboard.

"Oh, going to cook dinner?"

"No, I'm going to iron your shirts."

 

i just made this one up walking home for lunch:

jesus can turn water into wine but how does he make beer?

he brews.

 

I read this and thought of Sarge

A journalist manages to persuade his local monastery to let him come in and do a piece on life as a monk. It was one of those places where the monks are silent most of the time. He is met by the Abbot, who shows him around.

At the end of the day, the Abbot invites the journalist to sit with them for the evening meal and tells him he is in for a treat.

So he sits down at the table with the Abbot and all the monks are eating quietly until one stands up and says, "14."

The other monks look up and, after a short pause, there is an appreciative titter of amusement.

Another stands up and says, "27." The other monks titter a little more loudly.

Then another stands up and says, theatrically, "83!" Cue much merriment.

The first one, in an apparent sense of competitiveness unusual in a man of the cloth, stands up and shouts, "ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SIX!" The rest of the monks start howling with laughter.

Then another jumps up and barely manages to scream, "213!!!!" as the other monks start falling off their benches with laughter.

By this point the journalist is utterly bemused and he asks the Abbot what on earth is happening.

In between tears of merriment, the Abbot manages to explain that this is the only time of the day that the monks are allowed to speak. They possess a great sense of humour and like to share jokes so, in order to save time, they have saved the jokes by number, pretty much like hymns or psalms.

The journalist nods with approval at such labour-saving thinking and the Abbot invites him to have a go.

The journalist stands up. The other monks suddenly pause and look at him with rapturous anticipation.

He says, faultingly and nervously, "Two....hundred....and.....forty.....seven???"

There is a deathly silence in the room as hundreds of monks stare into the middle distance thinking. Then one starts howling like a hyena and falls over. The rest soon follow. In a few seconds, the dining hall is filled with a cacophonous sound of mirth. Even the Abbot is almost dead with laughter.

The journalist, understandably utterly confused, says, "Why are they laughing so hard at that?!"

The Abbot finally manages to catch his breath and says to the journalist........

"They've never heard that one before!"

 

I have heard that exact same joke except at the end no one laughs and when the journalist asks why, the priest says, "They've heard it before." That's weird. Exactly the opposite ending.

 

The version I've heard before, the priest said, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

 

I heard it with this ending, only it was prisoners.




So a doe walks out of the woods and says "I'm never doing that again for two bucks."

 

What's E.T short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

 

Wow, so it's a joke with three possible punchlines. All pretty decent ones too. I mean, as bad jokes go.

 

Cleveland's quarterback is so bad that he tried throwing in the towel, but it got intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

The Browns don't have a website, because they can't string three w's together.

 

Just read about a scarecrow winning an award. He was outstanding in his field.

 

Talk about a strawman.

 

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.

 

Darth Punk went into the book shop and said to the young lady assistant, "I'm looking for a new self help book for men with small penis'. I can't remember the name."

She replied, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

P said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

 

Bad puns? Yeah, that's how eye roll.

 

Which of the following is most unlike the others:

a) a communist economy
b) a capitalist economy
c) a socialist economy
d) a large pepperoni pizza

Answer: b, because the other three can feed a family of four.

 

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.