JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

I told a friend that I'm a big fan of Beyonce. "Whatever floats your boat," he said. "No, you're thinking of buoyancy," I said.

 

You may not know this, but I am a scientist, currently studying bestiality between man and dog.

If you need me, I'll be in my lab.

 

I saw a man earlier, driving a tractor and shouting, "The end is nigh!" It must have been Farmer Geddon.

I opened my front door earlier, and there was a six foot tall beetle standing there. He kicked me right in the balls and called me a ****.
I'd heard there was a nasty big going around.

 

I hear that's how The Tick handles minor villains. SPOOOOOONNN!

I have a weird sense of humor.

 

It wasn't a man dressed up as a tick. It was a beetle.

 

An Ender Sai post reminded me of a bad joke, so blame him for this one.

I got mugged last night by four blokes, they battered me. Although I'm quite pleased I managed to knock one out.

Not the best time for a wank, but I thought it might be my last chance.

 

My wife suggested we spice things up by playing Doctors and Nurses

US Punchline:

Spoiler

So I stuck her in a bed for a couple of days and charged her $10 grand.

UK punchline:

Spoiler

So I stuck her on a trolley and ignored her for two days

 

"I'm a harp."
"Aren't you a little small for a harp?"
"Are you calling me a lyre?"

 

I hear that Dubai does not care for The Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.




Four ducks are in court, and are to appear before Judge Swan.

Judge Swan asks the first one it's name and crime it's been charged with.

"I'm Quack, and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond."

Judge Swan asks the second one it's name and crime it's been charged with.

"I'm Quack Quack, and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond."

Judge Swan asks the third one it's name and crime it's been charged with.

"I'm Quack Quack Quack, and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond."

Judge Swan turns to the fourth one and says, "I suppose your name is Quack Quack Quack Quack?"

"No, my name is Bubbles."

 

how do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is

give it a weigh give it a weigh give it a weigh now

 

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by whether it sees you later or after a while.

 

Q: Why do pilgrims' pants always fall down?

A: Because their belts are on their hats.





I heard that one the other day and it's so awful that I was legit infuriated. Like genuinely angry. So I had to share.

 

They're finally making a film about clocks. It's about time.

The man who invented the umbrella intended to call it a "brella", but he hesitated.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

I just bought a homing pigeon cross-bred with a crocodile. That'll come back to bite me.



A communist named Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "it's raining."

"No, it's sleeting," she said.

"Trust me, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

 

A group of Chess enthusiasts booked into a hotel and were in the lobby, discussing their latest tournament victories for about an hour. The manager came out and told them to leave. When they asked why, he said, "I won't have Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

What is a frog's favorite drink?

Croaka-Cola.

 

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

 

Yesterday I adopted a dog that used to belong to a metalsmith. As soon as we got home, it made a bolt for the door.

 

That is hilarious. Genuinely laughed out loud.

 

So Robert Mugabe relinquished his power as President of Zimbabwe today. He's been the President for 30 years.

I suppose he'll miss his reign down in Africa.

 

Did you know that crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?

But most of them only have 4.

 

How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later, the other after a while.

 

I ordered some German food online. The Sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come.

One for SuperWatto and yankee8255

 

Operation Market Garden... Operation Veritable... the Schelde Campaign... all for naught.

 

A woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too