JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

Did Jur-ass-stick to the seat?

 

If you've never played darts blindfolded, you don't know what you're missing.

 

I was driving down the Interstate last night, listening to some Christmas music on the radio, when it got interrupted. "Danger, danger! A vehicle driving on the wrong side of I-35!"

I had to chuckle to myself. Only one? I'd seen hundreds!

 

The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.​

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”​

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”​

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.​

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”​

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves te needle.​

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."​

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.​

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. ​

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"​

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.​

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"​

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"​

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.​

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."​

 

lol, had to look up "B-side" to get that.

 

Are you that young, or am I that old?

 

It's a whole new world, Sarge. I played a video game this year called Detention that was set in the 1960s; one of the puzzles in it involved dialing a number on a rotary phone. The number of videos I saw of players googling "how to use an old phone" was really depressing.

 

The role of DJ in The Last Jedi was originally written for Richard Gere but was recast when some Porg went missing.

 

I don't get it.

 

Um, Porgs look a bit like gerbils?

 

Is this urban legend common knowledge? I had to google it.

 

Well, for us old folks it's common.

 

"Two questions, Mr Bonaparte. What's your nationality, and can you conquer Europe?"
"Corsican."

 

What's a zebra?

26 sizes large than an abra.

 

My nephew fell asleep at a house party, and I thought it be amusing to shave off his eyebrows.

My sister in law didn’t agree when she looked in his crib.



Have you seen the prices of telescopes lately? Astronomical!

 

What did the blonde say when she say a YMCA?

"Look, they spelled Macy's wrong."

 

I went to the sperm donor clinic today, and the nurse asked if I'd like to ejaculate in the cup. I said, "I'm good, but I don't know if I'm ready for competiton."

 

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell down a cliff. Ba-dum, tiss!

 

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?

You're always learning new jokes.

 

My blod is typo.