JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

A priest was briefly detained at an airport for carrying a missal. He feared he would be charged with transporting a weapon of Mass instruction.

 

Was invited to a party at the fire station. Turned out to be a hoax.

 

I got a Viagra pill stuck in my ear. Now I'm hard of hearing.

 

A man was detained at the airport. A calculator and a textbook were confiscated. He was charged with transporting weapons of Math instruction and was believed to be a member of the infamous Al-Gebra movement.

 

What do you call a frozen kitty?

Spoiler

Cat-atonic!

 

Guy walks into a psychiatrists office with two fried eggs over his eyes and bacon hanging from his ears. He sits down and says doc I'm worried about my brother

 

Did you hear about Matthew McConaughey's car? It doesn't turn left, it just goes alright alright alright.

 

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

 

A Mexican magician was performing on stage for his magic show. For his final act, he announced he would disappear by the count of three. He held his hands in the air and began to count.

"Uno...dos..."

And, poof! He disappeared without a tres.

 

What do you call a cousin on stilts?

Extended family.

 

Have you seen Stevie Wonders wife?

Neither has he

 

Giraffes eat very little, because they make a little go a long way.

 

What is Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?

Spoiler

corduroy

 

Why is a bear's nose in the middle of its face?

Because it's the scenter.

 

This'll take a while...

Back in the days of ancient Babylon, there was an official in the court of King Nebuchadnezzar. The official tried to kill the king, but didn't succeed, so he fled into the wilderness. The King sent his top general and his army to find the official and bring him back. But the official managed to hide himself very well. So, the general lead his army back towards the city in defeat.

The official, seeing this, figured he was safe. So, he went to a nearby temple, which was called a ziggurat in those days. There, he lit a fire and offered prayers of thanks to his gods. Meanwhile, the general decided to take one look back. He saw a column of smoke rising into the air. He turned his army around, traced the smoke back to the temple, broke in, captured the traitorous official, and brought him back to face the King's justice.

And the moral of the story is...the searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be hazardous to your stealth.

 

If you judged the villains of Star Wars after Episode One, you can say: if you've seen one Sith, you've seen a Maul.

 

What did the father buffalo say to the boy buffalo when the boy buffalo left?
Bison!

 

My friend's bakery burned down last night. His business is now toast.

 

Why were the numbers afraid of 7? Because seven eight nine.

 

How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of your car?
Put him in the front seat.

or
Put him in someone else's car.

 

I used to make belts out of old watches, but it was a waist of time.

 

What do you call a camel with three humps?

Pregnant.

(shamelessly stolen from that Zootopia trailer that played before TFA)

 

Of all the trailers we saw before TFA, that one got the best response. "King Fu Panda 3" was pretty well-received. The rest were greeted with indifference.

Oh, what's green, soft and you roast it on a stick? A Martianmellow.
(I stole that from "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians".)

 

Spell "I cup."

 

What do you call a color that isn't really there?
A pigment of your imagination.