JCC What's your reason for living?

I actually have hope. It's a decision. I had made my peace with dying five or six years ago. God (yes, yes, I know . . . he isn't real, just scroll on down, guys) saved my life. I was ready to sign away every day of the last few years and every day I might still have on into the future. But, you know, love is the heart of everything and so I'm still here. It's almost like it's not even my life anymore. June 22, 2018; I was okay with missing this day back when I wanted to die. But I'm here and cliché as it is, I guess every day really is a gift. It feels kind of freeing. Like playing with house money. Hell, I got nothing to lose now.

 

What you are saying reminds me of a book. I don't have good memory, it might be "the idiot", of Dostoyevsky, but I'm not sure. Anyway, at a certain point it talks about a man who was sentenced to death, but the punishment is cancelled right before he can meet his fate. So he has the opportunity to tell his friends what he felt in the few minutes before the execution. And he describes the intensity with which he lived those minutes, an intensity that he never experienced during his daily routine.

It was touching, I'll post the actual text as soon as I find it.

 

The sarlacc's insisting on it. Bit of a bummer actually.

 

i wanna see what happens next

 

I want to see what happen's next...

Edit: @Zapdos Great minds eh?

 

Your moms.

 

I live for @Jabba-wocky. He is my reason.

 

Storytelling and my imagination. And through that hopefully inspiring others to tap into the same, because that's what makes people happy.

 

I look at life as a gift, from what or whom, I have no idea and doesnt matter. I'm not really a believer in an afterlife so I feel like this is an amazing thing to have, existence. Music, art, films, family, loves it is an all too short but amazing thing.

 

I found a reason to keep livin'
Oh, and the reason dear is you

 

Thanks!

 

I have the power to make a positive impact on others. I am valuable.

I can make someone's day with a single sentence. A few keystrokes, or movement of my vocal cords.

Why would you ever try to throw that away?

 

Basically, my reason to keep on going is that I'm just waiting for my life to bottom out.

I've been in and out of the mental health ward like a yo-yo over the past eight months, I've been on numerous kinds of anti-depressants, and have even tried to get creative in trying to care for my mental health by blowing all my savings on that stupid trip to Europe. But nothing changes the fact that, at my core, I'm an abject failure of a human being. I have no family or loved ones, no job and no qualifications, and on the days that I'm remotely lucid I live in the knowledge that I'm a terrible person.

The only reason I'm writing this up is because it's nearly one in the morning, I can't sleep, and it's dawning on me that, no matter what I do, nothing is going to get better. Not anymore. I'm just living to find my breaking point.

 

I can say I've felt similarly. A lot. I am sorry for what you're going through. It may not mean much coming from some random ******* on the internet, but you're not a terrible person.

 

I've felt similarly, too.

I wasn't going to post this because I'm in over my head and missing the point, but I'm going to anyway because this place is for posting.

FWIW, I don't judge a person's value by any of these things.

I couldn't care less if you have a job or any qualifications (though I'm sure you care). What value does it provide me? What joy does it bring to my life (other than the joy of seeing you get something you want)? Your having a job isn't going to do much for me. You doing drudge work won't really make my life better. You not doing drudge work doesn't somehow make my life worse. I know it's not about me, but you're not really hurting anyone by not having a job.

Having family is kinda outside one's control, no? I don't suddenly think less of a person if their entire family is killed because now they have no family. I'm not more successful than you because I was born with siblings. You can fill me in if I'm missing something here. I can guess, but I'd rather not assume.

What makes you a terrible person, exactly? What is it you do that makes you a terrible person? Not having some Hallmark card family isn't some great sin. Struggling to find employment isn't some terrible character flaw, either.

My opinion, FWIW, which I'm sure is nothing compared to your opinion of yourself. I know because there is nothing anyone can say to me that can raise my opinion of myself, either.

I prefer to refer to them as stimulants and women of negotiable virtue. It gives it an old-timey respectability.

 

get out.

/heels

 

Waiting out the clock.

 

@Chewgumma i can't promise you that things will get better, but i can tell you that they might, and that's at least something.

 

There are a few people in this world who love me enough to grieve if I were to pass. That's reason enough for me to go on.

 

@Chewgumma I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I can tell you that I've been through similar experiences. It's hard to find an anti-depressant that works for you; I had a difficult time as well. And I've been in a hospital a couple of times too for my emotional issues. I've always been pretty open about that stuff. I hate the stigma that attaches to it. Anyway, I'm really, really sorry for your struggle. While I don't know the details of your experience and I can't say, "I know what you're going through," I feel comfortable in guessing that it's awful. Mine was. All I can tell you is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's what I did and I came out of it and I'm so, so glad that I didn't give up. Like tom said, I can't make promises, but I honestly believe that will happen for you too.

And you PM me anytime at all that you feel like you need to talk to someone who won't judge you about things you don't want to say in public. I don't have a ton of insights to offer and insights don't always help a lot when you're locked in an emotional spiral. But I'll listen to anything you have to say.

 

^Really lovely post, Rogue1.5. I hope you find a ray of light soon, @Chewgumma.

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I've been reading some old Stanley Kubrick interviews lately and came across some good stuff RE the macro level of this topic. His comments here reflect his non-religious viewpoint, so I know it won't apply to everyone reading it, but I personally find his POV very compelling.

From the 1968 Playboy interview with Kubrick:

Playboy: Thanks to those special effects, 2001 is undoubtedly the most graphic depiction of space flight in the history of films — and yet you have admitted that you yourself refuse to fly, even in a commercial jet liner. Why?

Kubrick: I suppose it comes down to a rather awesome awareness of mortality. Our ability, unlike the other animals, to conceptualize our own end creates tremendous psychic strains within us; whether we like to admit it or not, in each man’s chest a tiny ferret of fear at this ultimate knowledge gnaws away at his ego and his sense of purpose. We’re fortunate, in a way, that our body, and the fulfillment of its needs and functions, plays such an imperative role in our lives; this physical shell creates a buffer between us and the mind-paralyzing realization that only a few years of existence separate birth from death. If man really sat back and thought about his impending termination, and his terrifying insignificance and aloneness in the cosmos, he would surely go mad, or succumb to a numbing sense of futility. Why, he might ask himself, should he bother to write a great symphony, or strive to make a living, or even to love another, when he is no more than a momentary microbe on a dust mote whirling through the unimaginable immensity of space?

Those of us who are forced by their own sensibilities to view their lives in this perspective — who recognize that there is no purpose they can comprehend and that amidst a countless myriad of stars their existence goes unknown and unchronicled — can fall prey all too easily to the ultimate anomie….But even for those who lack the sensitivity to more than vaguely comprehend their transience and their triviality, this inchoate awareness robs life of meaning and purpose; it’s why ‘the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,’ why so many of us find our lives as absent of meaning as our deaths.

The world’s religions, for all their parochialism, did supply a kind of consolation for this great ache; but as clergymen now pronounce the death of God and, to quote Arnold again, ‘the sea of faith’ recedes around the world with a ‘melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,’ man has no crutch left on which to lean—and no hope, however irrational, to give purpose to his existence. This shattering recognition of our mortality is at the root of far more mental illness than I suspect even psychiatrists are aware.

Playboy: If life is so purposeless, do you feel it’s worth living?

Kubrick: The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism — and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong — and lucky — he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death — however mutable man may be able to make them — our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.

 

Yup. I could never do that to my kids.

 

@Pensivia , that last Kubrick quote is brilliant. Joy is what we seek as adults. Too many of us seem to confuse joy with happiness. We demand to be happy all the time. In fact, we are even concerned when we are not happy and that causes more suffering. As I grow older, I understand joy is simply childlike wonder with a maturing sobering reminder to enjoy the moments more.

 

Exactly @ShaneP ... and that's really my answer to the question posed by this thread. I just want to try to share as many moments of joy, beauty, love, and connection with others as I can, for however long I have to live (hopefully helping to impact others as positively as possible, as often as possible), Kind of weirdly simply in a way, when you come right down to it.

Now, maintaining that overall frame of mind consistently in the midst of the various frustrations and demands of one's day-to-day life...that's the sometimes challenging part!

 

Yes, it is challenging. And I've been in those places in life where I've worried not just in the present but also that that present misery will never go away. It is tough but there is always the next moment that can overcome that present one. It really is, as Rogue 1.5 states, one step at a time.