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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

JCC What's your reason for living?

Discussion in 'Community' started by a star war, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. Chewgumma

    Chewgumma Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Apr 14, 2009
    I've been taking some time to think about how I can respond, because I don't want to come across as rejecting the wonderful displays of reassurance and kindness that my post has elicited. So first things first, I have to say thank you to everyone for their responses.

    In response to @CT-867-5309, I didn't mean to imply that my lack of job, family or loved ones was what made me a bad person. I only meant that in my day to day life I have nothing to occupy myself, and nobody to talk to. It's a situation that I have tried to rectify, but in every attempt I have I made to get myself out of the existence that I have, I consistently get rejected. I applied to get back into education this year, to make up for my lack of grades from dropping out of school, only to be turned away because of said lack of grades. Just last week I went to a job interview and I was told I was unemployable, even after I explained why my CV was so bare bones. It's a completely demoralising experience that serves to reinforce my feeling of being an utter failure.

    There are other factors that make me a terrible person, some of which I don't remember but are accusations levelled at me that I have no choice but to believe. In refusing to get help sooner, I became a monster, and on the days that I'm lucid enough to think I can only focus on what a bad person I was, and arguably still am. I managed to destroy my own life, and seriously harm the lives of others. As much as I try to heal from my past, and put my life on a different track to what it had been on, I can't manage to do so. Perhaps that's because that's what I deserve.

    Maybe something will go right for me in the future, but as it stands it's impossible to see any light at the end of this tunnel.
     
  2. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    @Chewgumma I once tried to take myself out, out of similar feelings as what you just described. I failed, through outside intervention. It's been over fifteen years, now, and I don't regret being saved: there was light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel.

    I did think of myself as a terrible person, having fully deserved what I was getting. I did believe I was a monster, who had managed to destroy his own life, and seriously harm the lives of others. It turns out I was just different enough that I'm not a natural fit at all for the society I live in. I don't know what you are or where your issues stem, but on my end, it's a severe Asperger's syndrome and an IQ in the top hundredth of the hundredth percentile, with severe disparities. Identifying that - identifying what I am - was the starting point of finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I think this is what is lacking on your end - identifying what you are, what your differences are - but I'm dead certain that is all that they are, differences.

    Aside from that, let me tell you why I know you aren't a terrible person: you are being a very harsh critic of yourself, find yourself wanting, and openly admit it in a public forum, to people who have no reason to go hard on you, but more importantly, to people who have no reason to go easy on you either; and you've also admitted to trying to find ways out (even if you did not succeed yet). Heck, you're willing to take on, on simple faith, accusations other people level at you which, by your own admission, you aren't even aware of (which, as an aside, is an incredibly despicable thing to do on the part of your accusers).

    That's not what a terrible person does. That's what the opposite of a terrible person does. A terrible person is no critic of themselves and don't think they are a bad person, nor do they think they are a failure; a terrible person is convinced they're a good person, that what they do is justified, or if it isn't, that it's fun; as to possibly being a failure, they don't give a damn. That certainly isn't you.

    What you are is a decent person who has no idea where to go and cries out for help. And I don't know what any of us here can do to help, but I do not think I'm overstepping by stating we clearly don't think you are a terrible person, and are willing to do what we can - because that is what you deserve.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2018
  3. 3sm1r

    3sm1r Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Dec 27, 2017

    I found it :) I was right:

    The idiot, Chapter 5

    [...]
    "There was a very strange feature in this case, strange because of its extremely rare occurrence. This man had once been brought to the scaffold in company with several others, and had had the sentence of death by shooting passed upon him for some political crime. Twenty minutes later he had been reprieved and some other punishment substituted; but the interval between the two sentences, twenty minutes, or at least a quarter of an hour, had been passed in the certainty that within a few minutes he must die. I was very anxious to hear him speak of his impressions during that dreadful time, and I several times inquired of him as to what he thought and felt. He remembered everything with the most accurate and extraordinary distinctness, and declared that he would never forget a single iota of the experience.

    "About twenty paces from the scaffold, where he had stood to hear the sentence, were three posts, fixed in the ground, to which to fasten the criminals (of whom there were several). The first three criminals were taken to the posts, dressed in long white tunics, with white caps drawn over their faces, so that they could not see the rifles pointed at them. Then a group of soldiers took their stand opposite to each post. My friend was the eighth on the list, and therefore he would have been among the third lot to go up. A priest went about among them with a cross: and there was about five minutes of time left for him to live.

    "He said that those five minutes seemed to him to be a most interminable period, an enormous wealth of time; he seemed to be living, in these minutes, so many lives that there was no need as yet to think of that last moment, so that he made several arrangements, dividing up the time into portions--one for saying farewell to his companions, two minutes for that; then a couple more for thinking over his own life and career and all about himself; and another minute for a last look around. He remembered having divided his time like this quite well. While saying good- bye to his friends he recollected asking one of them some very usual everyday question, and being much interested in the answer. Then having bade farewell, he embarked upon those two minutes which he had allotted to looking into himself; he knew beforehand what he was going to think about. He wished to put it to himself as quickly and clearly as possible, that here was he, a living, thinking man, and that in three minutes he would be nobody; or if somebody or something, then what and where? He thought he would decide this question once for all in these last three minutes. A little way off there stood a church, and its gilded spire glittered in the sun. He remembered staring stubbornly at this spire, and at the rays of light sparkling from it. He could not tear his eyes from these rays of light; he got the idea that these rays were his new nature, and that in three minutes he would become one of them, amalgamated somehow with them.

    "The repugnance to what must ensue almost immediately, and the uncertainty, were dreadful, he said; but worst of all was the idea, 'What should I do if I were not to die now? What if I were to return to life again? What an eternity of days, and all mine! How I should grudge and count up every minute of it, so as to waste not a single instant!' He said that this thought weighed so upon him and became such a terrible burden upon his brain that he could not bear it, and wished they would shoot him quickly and have done with it."
    [...]
     
  4. LAJ_FETT

    LAJ_FETT Tech Admin (2007-2023) - She Held Us Together star 10 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    May 25, 2002
    @Chewgumma - what about doing some volunteer work or applying for an internship somewhere? I know the former would be unpaid and the latter poorly paid but it would give you something to fill your day and you could put it on your CV/resume.
     
    Master_Rebado likes this.
  5. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    @Chewgumma just for the sake of perspective. You’re mid-twenties. You have some modicum of health. You live in a country where your hands are not tied.

    Time is on your side, opportunities are available (albeit you might have to drop down a few leagues and work your way up).

    What about looking at what you have, as opposed to what you don’t?
     
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  6. Mortimer Snerd

    Mortimer Snerd Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 27, 2012
    Here's some more perspective...I'd give ANYTHING to be in my mid twenties again. It's amazing how much more perspective you gain after those carefree years are gone.
     
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  7. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    [​IMG]
     
  8. Rylo Ken

    Rylo Ken Force Ghost star 7

    Registered:
    Dec 19, 2015
    Success gets too much credit as a prerequisite for happiness. And happiness gets too much credit as a prerequisite for living. If you can't be happy try being interesting or per the posts above, involved in your community. There are ways to reach out. Maybe to other people suffering from depression? Support groups? Hotlines?
     
  9. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    I’m not religious, but I kind of absorb my failures as a human in this little gem - there, but for the grace of god go I.

    When I’m firmly wrapped up in “self”, I only have to log in here, and see there are true unfortunates in this world.

    Unfortunates like @Diggy
     
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  10. Diggy

    Diggy Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2013
  11. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
    This happened to me. I'm guessing, because of your spelling of demoralizing and the use of "CV," that you're overseas, so you'll need to alter my suggestion to fit your location. Even better, if you want, you can give me your location, and I can do some research for you (I'm really good at this sort of thing). Anyway, I've been living with (I can't stand the term "suffering from") depression for most of my life. Through my therapist, and various other support people (that I met through my therapist), I found the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation--they exist for people like us, people who are "unemployable",etc. You have to go through a lengthy application and interview process, and they'll require all of your psych records, but in a nutshell, once you're approved, you'll sign a contract, and they'll pay for your tuition and help you find a job in your field, once you've completed your education.
     
  12. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    @Diggy lay into the young guy.

    Tell him life is **** when you’re old
    Tell him life is **** when you’re young
    Tell him life is slightly less **** when you’re young, compared to how **** it is when you’re old.
    Tell him about those blue pills you use that you’re always recommending to me, but that I don’t need yet.
     
  13. Diggy

    Diggy Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Hey Chewgumma,


    life is **** when you’re old
    life is **** when you’re young
    life is slightly less **** when you’re young, compared to how **** it is when you’re old.
    There are blue pills punk uses and is always recommending to me, but that I don’t need yet.
     
  14. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
    Pffft... you couldn't pay me to go back to my 20s. While they were great years, I prefer to stay in a forward motion--plus, if I went back to my 20s, I'd have to relive my 30s, and those ****ing sucked.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  15. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    What about if you knew then what you know now?
     
  16. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
    Nah.... forward motion, man.
     
    Darth Punk likes this.
  17. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    Yeah, **** it. We’re still more or less twenty somethings, but with the added frisson of a little cat and mouse with diabetes, cancer and heart disease
     
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  18. TiniTinyTony

    TiniTinyTony JCC Super Bowl Pick 'Em Winner star 7 VIP - Game Winner

    Registered:
    Mar 9, 2003
    I'll definitely echo with the previous sentiments of talking to a therapist. Back in 2008, I met with therapist for 5 sessions and I felt that she helped put me on a better path. It's not a bad thing to talk to a third party to help give you a perspective on things. The most surprising thing was that I went looking for answers, and it turned out that I had all the answers; I just needed someone else to ask me the right questions.

    10 years later, I have a good job that I don't love, a good wife that I do love, and many things to look forward to this summer: weddings, concerts, family events, etc. So if you're feeling down, find something you like or want to do, put it on the calendar in the not to distant future, and not only will you enjoy the event on said day but you'll enjoy the anticipation of it and the act of looking forward to it.

    Also, give yourself small goals to accomplish. I know when I'm at work and I get frustrated with a project, I step away from my desk and play a quick puzzle game on my phone or Sudoku and complete the small task. You'll feel good after accomplishing a small goal and ready to tackle the bigger one.

    In summary, if you don't have a reason or see a reason to live, create one.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
  19. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    One of the multiple takeaways here is that therapy is useful. Lord knows I’ve done my share (spent a bunch of my 28th year in a rehab facility ((they are classified as mental institutions in the UK)).

    What I can say is, I remember when the Sudoku craze went massive in England. One of the newspapers found this African woman living in Britain called Su Doku.

    How ******* life affirming is that. Life is full of joyfull little gems. Get bogged down in the **** if you like, but while you’re wallowing, don’t forget to pick the occasional peanut out of the poo.
     
  20. Chewgumma

    Chewgumma Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Apr 14, 2009
    I'm also diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (I don't know what my IQ is, but I highly doubt it's anywhere near as high as yours! :p) and have known about it since I was about five years old. Growing up in the 90's and early 00's while being aware of being on the autistic spectrum was pretty tough, as it was an era where you were treated less like a person who saw the world from a different view point and more like you were, as my father once drunkenly yelled at me as a boy, "broken and useless."

    I should stress that I don't believe that Asperger's actually makes me a broken person, but I know all too well that I struggle to fit in with society. My wider circumstances just aggravate those problems.

    There were posters in the Jobcentre for a free hospitality course tomorrow, so I'm going along to that to see if that can help me at least get a foot on the ladder.

    Those are fair points. I guess it's just difficult to perceive what I do have going in my favour, when it feels like I have next to nothing.

    And, to be honest, my health and youth aren't attributes that I know what to do with. Except maybe making me more attractive if I decide to just sell myself into medical experiments.

    But, yeah, joking aside, I'm going to keep trying to take the opportunities that come my way, starting with that free course tomorrow.

    Thank you for the offer Harpua! I was provided with some limited assistance after I was released from hospital after New Years, and they never suggested anything like that to me. So I'm not sure if anything like that is available in the UK. However, I will definitely have a look. I'll make some inquiries at the Jobcentre tomorrow, they should be able to know if such a program exists here.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
  21. Harpua

    Harpua Chosen One star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 12, 2005
  22. appleseed

    appleseed Chosen One star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 5, 2002
    My wife
    Comic books
    Progressive Rock
    Baseball

    Those are the things that keep me going. But it's hard a lot of the time nowadays.

    She's really all I need.
     
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  23. BigAl6ft6

    BigAl6ft6 Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Nov 12, 2012
    I got Star Wars movies to live for, dammit!
     
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  24. I Are The Internets

    I Are The Internets Shelf of Shame Host star 9 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Nov 20, 2012
    @Chewgumma, this is coming from someone who also has Asperger's/autism. While you may not have a consistent support network in real life, you do have people on here that care about you and think quite highly of you. I also have anxiety (yeah, the word "suffer" is not the way to go) and moments of unhappiness/depression, so I understand completely where you're coming from.

    The feelings of hopelessness and despair? They're a crutch, they suck. It's bloody difficult to rise above it and continue on. You'll have okay to good days and then those days where you feel utterly hopeless and like you've relapsed completely. On those days, try and remember this thread and these posts from these great people on here that care about you.
     
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  25. appleseed

    appleseed Chosen One star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 5, 2002
    I did till TLJ.