Before - Legends Where I'm Going, I No Longer Know (Vignette, Xanatos)

Title: Where I'm Going, I No Longer Know
Author: Indra
Genre: Vignette, Angst
Character: Xanatos
Disclaimer: Qui-Gon belongs to George Lucas, Xanatos to Jude Watson. The title belongs to TVSmith.
Notes: Thanks to Shaindl for the beta! This is just a small piece that came to my mind. The title is from the song 'Soon as I found it I lost it' by TVSmith. It's on his new album 'Not a bad day'. If you ever want to listen to really good lyrics, listen to his songs. Feedback is always very welcome!
For those following 'Scars and Beginnings': This has nothing to do with it. But I just wrote most of the next chapter. I promise I will post it next weekend.
One last warning: This is not a happy story. Don't read it, if you're already depressed.



My name is Xanatos Crion. I am 21 years old. I am Jedi-Padawan to Qui-Gon Jinn. I have been afraid all my life.

'Talking helps.' That's what one of my teachers once said. Not in reference to my problems of course. Heaven forbid I would say something about that to him. To anyone. Up to that point anyway. I tried to take his advice. I talked to people. People I trusted. Not to my Master. Not that I didn't trust him. But I knew what he thought of fear. I talked to friends. Not even my close friends. More acquaintances. I told them that I was afraid. They told me that they had fears, too. Of death, of losing someone they love, of never becoming a Jedi Knight. They had no idea what they were talking about. I didn't have fears. I was afraid. Not of death, not of my future. I was simply afraid.

People say that you can only look a person in the eyes, never in the head. It's probably the truest thing I've ever heard. My friends never knew that something was wrong with me. Not even my Master knew it. Not because I am a good actor. But simply because I didn't want them to know. I'm quite good at shielding. Or maybe they didn't realise anything because every individual is so wrapped up in their own life that it's simply not important to them what others think. Somehow I hope that the first assumption is true.

I can't describe my fear. Or maybe I don't want to because I know that no one will be able to imagine it anyway. In order to experience fear, a certain trigger is necessary. For my fear, it is not. Sometimes when I'm completely fine and content with the world around me, it suddenly comes crashing down on me. Without trigger. Without warning. I drown in it. The world goes dark around me and although I know that nothing has changed within the last seconds, for me everything has changed. Suddenly I'm not me anymore. Suddenly I'm gone. And the world around me goes on as before. It can happen when I'm alone in my room or it can happen when I'm having dinner with my Master. But he won't notice any change. Because I do not stagger. I do not go quiet. I do not change. I can have a normal conversation, can even laugh, while everything within me is consumed by fire.

I told you that I can't describe my fear. But I did. Because I know that I have to tell someone. I need it. Because I still know that there is something else than waking up in the morning with this fear, or knowing that it will come, unexpectedly, at some point in the day. I still know it. But I don't feel it. So I try to describe what it's like to live this way. And I know you won't understand it.

One evening I told my Master. I simply broke down. Not like people in a movie break down, sobbing and everything. I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to take it anymore. Qui-Gon let me talk and he looked at me as if he had known it all along. But I knew he hadn't. He told me to go to the healers. And I went, a couple of months later. Not to the soul healers, but to a normal one. Maybe there was some other explanation than that I was going crazy. The healer said that he couldn't do anything. That I should go see a soul healer. I intended to go the next day after classes. I didn't. I never did. That was two years ago. There are days when I feel great. When I think

 

You're welcome!

Ooh, angsty! I love how Xan doesn't feel any particular fear, just this vague, unformed, floating terror that strikes without warning. I could see that for him as a reason why he strikes out.

Great job! Glad to hear we'll see a new post of Scars soon!

Shaindl

 

My name is Xanatos Crion. I am 21 years old. I am Jedi-Padawan to Qui-Gon Jinn. I have been afraid all my life.

The opening line was fantastic! Very nice, loved it! Very well done.

 

That was very sad, but very well written. Great job!

 

Nifty thrifty! Pretty cool, makes ya wonder if perchance he had those problems, never know! Can't wait for the update on Scars!!

 

Interesting

 

Thanks for the reviews!

Shaindl That's what I had in mind. I think Xan needed a really good reason to turn and I simply couldn't imagine him changing so drastically just because of his father, whom he had hardly known.

VaderLVR64 The opening line was the only thing I had in mind when I started writing it. Thanks!

A huge thank you to everyone else! I had my doubts about posting this one. It seemed a little bit too strange, so your comments are very encouraging.

 

A huge thank you to everyone else! I had my doubts about posting this one. It seemed a little bit too strange, so your comments are very encouraging.

Well, I consider myself a bit strange, too, LOL! But don't doubt yourself, this one is very good. I'll be looking for your name!

 

Glad to know I'm in good company!

 

Wow! Really great look inside his head Indra!

I always wondered what would happen if Jedi suffered from psych. disorders -amazing!


-Birdy

 

OH wow. Very well done! You've captured Xanatos absolutely perfectly. Getting inside his head is a tough job and I know I certainly can't manage it. He never cooperates for me I truly admire anyone who can write Xanatos well Great job!!!

 

Great vignette! You really captured Xanatos well. Super job! I will look for your work when I visit these boards, I'm impressed!

 

People say that you can only look a person in the eyes, never in the head. It's probably the truest thing I've ever heard. My friends never knew that something was wrong with me. Not even my Master knew it. Not because I am a good actor. But simply because I didn't want them to know. I'm quite good at shielding. Or maybe they didn't realise anything because every individual is so wrapped up in their own life that it's simply not important to them what others think. Somehow I hope that the first assumption is true.

I really like that paragraph, and I think that the second assumption can be true to a certain extent in some people. You are so perceptive, and I love looking at how you see the world.

Wow. The vignette was really well written, and it really has the feeling of a 'confession', by someone who is actually quite hesitant to speak because they are so used to holding it to themselves. I don't know how you did it, but well...... you did.



Velo

 

Great story Indra, the angst is really well written and very believable.

Now, forgive me for being new and ignorant, but could someone tell me who Xanatos is?

 

Xanatos was the former Padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan's Master. He supposedly turned to the dark side while an apprentice and betrayed Qui-Gon. Because of this, Qui-Gon was extremely reluctant to take Obi-Wan on as an apprentice. Xanatos tried later to kill Yoda, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and blow up the Jedi Temple. He died by jumping into a pool of acid to escape capture by Qui-Gon.
This is all in the Jedi Apprentice book series. It's actually a lot more convoluted but that's the short version.

 

Ohhhhhhhhh, that puts a whole lot more depth into your fanfic Indra. Well done indeed.

And thanks for the info K_o_S.

 

Phoenix_Reborn It's an interesting topic, isn't it? And there's hardly any better character for experiments in this field than Xan.

Layren Thanks. Somehow his character just works for my ideas. I guess it's different with everyone.

MamaShmi Glad you liked it. Thanks a lot for telling me.

JediVeloJinn Well, we've already talked about this, but thanks again. I also think that the first assumption is true for far too many people and I'm not excluding myself here. It's quite difficult to see other people's needs, isn't it?

Darth_n00b Thanks! Couldn't have explained it any better than diane. That about sums it up. Thank you, diane.