Before - Legends Where the Heck Are We? A KotOR Self-Realization Parody

Title: Where the Heck Are We?
Author: SabyneAmberle
Genre: Humor, Parody
Characters: The original K1 crew of the Ebon Hawk, Sabyne Amberle
Timeframe: KotOR, pre-TPM
Summary: The Breakdown in the cohesiveness of the Ebon Hawk's crew can be traced to one simple question posed by everyone's favorite flyboy.
Notes: Written for RK_Striker_JK_5's Self-Realization Challenge

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The Ebon Hawk was flying through Hyperspace toward its next destination when Carth suddenly had a thought. He wasn?t sure where it had come from, or how it came to him. He figured long hours spent in the cockpit with Bastila only a few feet away had done it to him. But now, he had a thought, one that wouldn?t go away.

?Hey, Bastila?? he asked her as she sat in the co-pilot?s chair. ?Where the heck are we??

If one could hear a female Jedi roll her eyes, they would have heard that very sound from Bastila. ?You?re the pilot, Carth. You should know where we are.? She replied crossly. ?We?re on a Hyperspace route heading to??

?No, no. That?s not what I?m asking.? He retorted just as crossly. Damn it, but what was with Jedi women? If they weren?t being preachy, they were acting like stuck-up twits. ?I mean, where are we now??

Bastila didn?t know how to answer. ?Um?the ship?? she ventured. ?The Ebon Hawk??

He shook his head. ?No, I mean overall location.? He cursed mentally at his inability to describe his question accurately. Why were words so hard to come by right now?

?The Galaxy??

?Oh, for frack?s sake, Bastila??

?Well, I don?t know what you?re trying to ask me! Why don?t you actually think about your questions first, as opposed to blurting them out like a three year-old??

Getting angrier by the second, Carth was about to shout back when Raiyne ran into the cockpit, his expression a mix between shock, horror, and amusement. ?Hey! Guess where we are right now?? he asked almost breathlessly.

Carth swiveled his chair to look at Raiyne, while he heard Bastila do the same. ?I was just asking that question.? Carth stated irritably, hoping this wasn?t a prank between Raiyne and Bastila that was meant to embarrass him. ?But I?ll bite. Where??

?You won?t believe it??

?Okay, where??

?Maybe I shouldn?t tell you. It?s hard to believe??

?JUST TELL ME ALREADY, YOU STUPID BANTHA!?

Raiyne took a small step back in his shock. ?Well, normally I?d be a jerk and not tell you after you yell at me like that.? He protested, pouting slightly. ?But I?m in a good mood, so I?ll tell you anyway.?

Carth folded his arms. He suddenly had a bad feeling about what his crewmate was about to tell them. ?Go on.? He said, a hint of caution creeping into his voice.

?We?we?re in one of SabyneAmberle?s fics.? Raiyne responded. ?She?s writing about us right now!?

Both Carth and Bastila rolled their eyes toward the ceiling. ?Oh, no.? they said in unison. They didn?t know exactly who this ?SabyneAmberle? was, asides from her being an author, but somehow she always managed to get them into trouble.

?I can?t believe she?s writing another fic about us!? Carth said as he stood up. ?Who?s she gonna torture this time, I wonder??

?Well, at least your torture didn?t involve Malak dressing up as a cowboy and singing a bad country song.? Bastila protested, standing up as well. ?I still hear that awful song in my dreams from time to time.?

?So do I, Bastila. So do I.? Raiyne interjected.

?Speak for yourselves.? The gruffly sarcastic voice of the Mandalorian they traveled with echoed into the room. ?Would you believe this ?author? person gave me family?? Canderous asked. ?A cousin who was supposed to marry the son of Mandalore? I felt my honor diminish with every minute I spent reading that little slice of paradise.?

Figuring talking to the crew directly was easier than shouting from the cockpit back to th

 

Nicely done! I really liked it!

 

I have to admit yours is the third I have read. More importantly it was the one that had me talk to RK_Striker about doing it and I managed to come up with something, and all because finally yours sucked me into thinking just maybe I could do this!

Sabyne had cast her eyes toward the ceiling. ?Sounds like my creator.? She explained. ?She really likes to take her favorite songs and write fics around them. ?Songfics?, she calls ?em.?

?Oh.? Carth answered sarcastically. ?Brilliant. Just frackin? brilliant. Can I just go home now??






Thanks and great job!

 

That was so funny, it kind of reminds me of stranger than fiction. I loved the whole story. Eeryone complaining about your writing. It was awesome. HK had me laughiing so hard I almost cried.

 

Ack! Can't believe I didn't reply to this! *Striker bows*

Sabyne, that was awesome! I feel pretty bad for the KOTOR crew after reading that. Thanks for doing the challenge!

 

?Besides.? Canderous mocked. ?How were you planning to get home anyway, flyboy?? Flush yourself out the airlock and float there? I?m sure all the hot air you?ve expelled from your whining throughout the course of the game would give you enough propellant to get there within a month or two.?



That was so funny! Nice work!

 

Excellence. Pure excellence!

 

Yes Yes Yes

He shook his head. ?No, I mean overall location.? He cursed mentally at his inability to describe his question accurately. Why were words so hard to come by right now?

?The Galaxy??

?Oh, for frack?s sake, Bastila??

That just cracked me up! Oy, Bassy bothered me sometimes. Great fic!

 

Raiyne took a small step back in his shock. â??Well, normally Iâ??d be a jerk and not tell you after you yell at me like that.â?? He protested, pouting slightly. â??But Iâ??m in a good mood, so Iâ??ll tell you anyway.â?? Is he a skywalker perchance

Oh your poor, poor charcters

 

The Ebon Hawk was flying through Hyperspace toward its next destination when Carth suddenly had a thought. He wasn?t sure where it had come from, or how it came to him. He figured long hours spent in the cockpit with Bastila only a few feet away had done it to him. But now, he had a thought, one that wouldn?t go away.


Great way to start it off.