Where to avoid spoilers

Discussion in 'Denver, CO' started by FenigDurak, Apr 16, 2005.

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  1. FenigDurak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 6, 2002
    star 4
    I've been, like most loyal fans, enjoying the surge of fun little Star Wars food products and other neat little dodads and whatchamawhoozits. I've noticed though, that many of these things have what many would call 'spoilers'. Me, I read the novel, so I don't care about spoilers. Shoot, I'm even making the <spoiler removed>, and then he said, 'That's my tail, you jerk!'

    Spoilers found so far:
    Star Wars cereal. It looks like Lucky Charms with Vader's face on it, but the games on the back have spoiler frames. And it will give you cavities.

    Come to mention it, there are lots of candy items that are chock full of spoiler wrappings, so you should avoid that entire eisle. It's time for a diet anyway. Look at you, you pudgy sweet thang you.

    Don't even think of going anywhere near a comic book store. The temptation is just too great. The art is too. ;)

    While you're at it, don't go into a book store. They have the novelization, the visual dictionary, stickers, art books... If you really must, go in with horse blinders, whinnie-ing every few feet so that all know you are there to avoid spoilers, but need a fix of Star Wars. That's called the Expanded Universe, or EU for short.

    I think the one place that is most full of spoilers are Star Wars related websites and message boards. There are hoardes of people clamboring to make costumes and props from Ep III, not to mention discussing what they have read, seen, theories and rumors they have heard. Yeah, these sites may claim to be spoiler-free-friendly, but that's just a ruse meant to lure you in to be ruined for May 19. Much like this thread is meant to lure you in and read how Star Wars cereal has spoilers on the box.

    But the BEST way to avoid spoilers all together... Don't go see the movie. Stay home, wrapped in a blanket in the closet with all electronics off. You never know, that evil lamp may come to life and start spouting off about how Obi-Wan <spoiler removed>, naked even.

    And thus you have enjoyed my Spoiler-Free Survival Guide. Enjoy your ignorance!

    This was just for fun. It was not meant to be insensitive and insulting in anyway. No one thinks you're fat and need to lose weight. Well, if you're offended, you likely do, but that's all in the name of American self-loathing and personal improvement.
  2. Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 30, 2004
    star 6
    Here here!

    I'd also like to suggest not purchasing groceries for the next month. I walked into Wal-mart tonight and was visually assaulted by no less than a dozen Episode 3 displays. The horror. To think that sweet Anakin boy becomes the Dark Lord of the Sith, himself -- it's just...un-American.
  3. Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 30, 2004
    star 6
    Might wanna stay away from C3, too. I've heard rumors that there might be Episode 3-related panels, costumes, actors/actresses, and merchandise there. ;)
  4. Taeriel Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2003
    star 5
    The sugar in the cereal is just a problem all the way around. I thought I'd donate all the fattening calories to my nephews... but they ate 3 bowls each, and got so wired that they were bouncing off the walls enough to tempt the best Jedi to the Dark Side.

    And the boxes do have spoilers.

    But the lightsaber spoons are cool. :D

    I didn't know not to look at the candy boxes, though... thanks. :)
  5. Jedi Girl of Corellia Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jun 23, 2000
    star 6
    OMG!!

    I just found out that Herbie the love bug is making an appearance as Padme and Anakins favorite make out speeder. He tries to reunite the couple, but because of the cramped nature of his back seat Vaders helmet gets stuck in a window and the Coruscant fire brigade have to pull him out with the jaws of life, essentially destroying Herbie. Feeling betrayed, he goes to Death Trap Pinto, who shows him the ways of the junkyard and they run rampant demonstrating to teenagers the consequences of road rage and unsafe driving practices.

    Found that on a box of corn starch.
  6. Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 30, 2004
    star 6
  7. FenigDurak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 6, 2002
    star 4
    Dude, that's totally a SPOILER! WAAAAAAH!
  8. Darkmood Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 15, 2004
    star 4
  9. JuniperSky Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 4, 2003
    star 2
    *dies laughing* I love it!
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