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Before the Saga Why Jedi Never See Their Families... (one shot, humor, complete)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Mistress_Renata, Apr 4, 2017.

  1. Mistress_Renata

    Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 9, 2000
    Title: Why Jedi Never See Their Families
    Timeframe: Before AotC
    Genre: Humor
    Length: One shot
    Characters: Obi-Wan's mother
    Continuity: AU
    Notes: This is a re-post; I think the original may date back to 2003, got caught in truncation. In honor of the various parental issues that people have been chatting about in Resource, I offer it up for a laugh. I was saving it for Mother's Day, but...

    After TPM and the Jedi Apprentice series, there was a lot of debate here on the boards about the Jedi practice of taking children away fro their families to be trained at the Jedi Temple. It was a very controversial topic around here, with some people thinking how awful that children have to leave their families to become Jedi and others pointing out that the families have a choice. As I was discussing this back then, it occurred to me that there are very practical reasons that Jedi would have little contact with their parents. And if anyone thinks the following is an exaggeration, you don't live six states away from your mom...The line about the cataract operation is verbatim from life.

    * * *

    Obi? Honey? It’s your mother, pick up the comm. Are you there? Well, I guess you’re off again. Since you never call me, I thought I’d call you. Again. Did you get my last message? I left it for you this morning. Before lunch. I guess you didn’t get it, because you didn’t call me back.

    Anyway, I’ve been hearing about this invasion of Naboo, and I want you to promise me you won’t let the Council send you there. I just don’t trust those Trade Federation, you know what they say about Neimodians. Why don’t you come home for a few days instead, until all the fuss dies down? You know your dad would love to see you. And you can see Fergall! That’s Kayala’s new baby. You remember her, right? She’s your half-third cousin, twice removed on my side? You know, the daughter of Nerva and that idiot pilot she married? You should see him, he’s learned how to burp. He’s so cute! The baby, not the idiot.

    So how are you doing? Are you eating enough? I was going to bake some cookies and send them to you. Are you staying dry? I hear it rains a lot on Coruscant, I almost bought you an umbrella. There was a great sale at Blork’s, and I got myself some new sandals for the spring. Oh, they were going to have a menswear sale next weekend, which got me thinking, what size are you? I thought I could buy you some new underwear and send that along to you. I know young men don’t think holes in the underwear is a big deal, but you never know, if you get in an accident, gods forbid, you don’t want to have grungy underwear with holes in it when you get to the hospital. Besides, you never know when you might meet a nice... nevermind. Anyway, let me know. I can pick up some socks, too. Oh, and when I send you the underwear and cookies, I’ll attach the story about old Mr. Kroull’s prumrutt collection that was on the holonews last week. He’s Magda’s neighbor down the street. Nice old man. His wife went in for a cataract operation last Friday. You might want to drop her a note. Did I send you her address? I’ll send you her address.

    I keep thinking about this Naboo thing. Can’t you get a promotion to a nice research job somewhere? What about a Senatorial advisory position? I mean, nothing against the Jedi, sweetie, but it’s not exactly, well, lucrative. I mean, your father and I will be fine, but it’s not like you’re going to inherit a lot of money or anything. It would be a lot safer. I hear the AgriCorps is always looking for new folks, too!

    Well, if you get stuck going to Naboo, BE CAREFUL. Stay dry, and make sure you pack extra socks. And try to be careful with the lightsaber? I know, I know, you have all the training and all that, but I’m just terrified you’ll put an eye out one day! Can’t you petition the Council to use a blaster? See, this is why I’m telling you to get a real job. And, well, sweetie, I’d only say this to you, but be careful around that Master Qui-Gon. I’ve heard stories about him; they say he gets himself in trouble with the Jedi Council, and, well… I know he’s your friend, but there are lots of OTHER nice masters at the Jedi Temple, couldn’t you get yourself apprenticed to one of them?

    Anyway, that’s all I was going to say. Oh, except that your younger sister is getting married again, so you can expect a wedding invitation. And even if you can’t make it, you might send her a present THIS time, since you didn’t bother for her last four weddings. Oh, wait… [snuffling noise] Do you hear that? Winkles wants to say hi to Uncle Obi. Say hi, Winkles, hi Uncle Obi! Did you hear him say hi? He’s sitting on my lap with his tail up my nose. I think he wants his dinner. Okay, sweetie, I’ll go.

    Oh, wait! Say hi to your father! [muffled]Honey, pick up the comm…it’s your son…no, I’m leaving a message, he’s not there…I don’t know where he is, they might be sending him to Naboo, did you want to talk to him? I don’t know why, I think it’s something about the Trade Federation…you can’t find your what? Where did you leave them? Did you look on top of the bookcase? No, I didn’t move them. Why would I move them? Did you want to talk to your son or not? Oh…okay… [fumbling noise] He can’t talk, he’s going into the bathroom, he says hi.

    All right, honey, you be careful. Stay dry. Call me back when you get in. Love you! ‘Bye!
  2. divapilot

    divapilot Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 30, 2005
    This is hysterical! No wonder poor Obi-Wan was always on the move. And with a mom like that always butting into his business, he had lots of practice with being diplomatic and learning how to negotiate. Very funny. Thanks for the repost!
  3. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 5

    Jul 31, 2014
    ERMINAY ER!!!!11!!1oneone

    No, seriously. This lady from Stewjon is a piece of work. :p


    Two or three socks per person?

    And this sounds like stuff my dad used to say, and then he got to need stents. o_O So...that one is true.


    All parents commonly think that their young adult or adult is a complete idiot. :p

    And this reminds me of that movie with Christina Milian and the ghost of a dead singer...I can't remember who played that one, but there was a lady who thought dogs were her children.

    Of course that the dad doesn't say anything. But I can assure you, some other Jedi has a dad who's too much of a Care Bear and a mom who just won't bother. It's like the rule of two, but...rule of one, geddit?

    I totally and absolutely enjoyed this story. =D=
  4. K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku

    K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Apr 18, 2000
    [face_laugh] SNORK!! This is hillarious!
    That "real job" comment is one I heard, not necessarily from my family, but from others, until I left academic research. Ugh! Poor Obi-Wan.

    Love this story! :D
  5. Lady_Misty

    Lady_Misty Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 21, 2007

    I can see why Obi-Wan is avoiding his mother.

    What would Yoda's mother messages sound like? 'I know you're busy but please remember to take breaks and would you consider coming home to visit? A family reunion is coming up and there's so many grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, etc bringing children are going to be here and I know how much you love children.'
  6. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    Great, hilarious fun stuff. A Jedi must not know... his own family, because it will drive him mad.

    * has the Moulin Rouge version of "Roxanne" in the back of her mind for some reason now

    Especially a certain narcoleptic Argentine singing the word "maaaaad" with passion.
  7. PlanetSmasher

    PlanetSmasher Jedi Padawan star 1

    Mar 14, 2017
    This was too cute. I had a real good laugh at: "I know he’s your friend, but there are lots of OTHER nice masters at the Jedi Temple, ..."

  8. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 7

    Aug 31, 2004
    @Mistress_Renata [face_rofl] [face_rofl] I love this chatty message about third cousins, his sister's fourth wedding 8-} and Obi getting a "real job", one that's safer, etc. But what took the CAKE, THE ENTIRE CAKE was the just in case you get in an accident, you have to have underwear that has no holes [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Some things transcend time and space it seems.

    Ewok Poet likes this.
  9. Mistress_Renata

    Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 9, 2000
    Whatever galaxy you are in, mothers never change... :D
  10. NobodyIX

    NobodyIX Jedi Padawan star 1

    Feb 19, 2018
    'I know you didn't get the last message because you didn't call back!' Haha! It's just too cute imagining Obi-Wan's face as he listens to his 'message.' ;)
  11. brodiew

    brodiew Jedi Master star 5

    Oct 11, 2005
    Hi-larious, @Mistress_Renata! [face_laugh][face_laugh] I love then entire tone and voice of Obi's mom. So funny. Underwear and socks, indeed. But this took the cake:

    And, well, sweetie, I’d only say this to you, but be careful around that Master Qui-Gon. I’ve heard stories about him; they say he gets himself in trouble with the Jedi Council, and, well… I know he’s your friend, but there are lots of OTHER nice masters at the Jedi Temple, couldn’t you get yourself apprenticed to one of them?

    Well played! =D=
  12. Sara_Kenobi

    Sara_Kenobi Jedi Grand Master star 7

    Sep 21, 2000
    This story definitely made me smile! I love Obi-Wan's mother! =D=
  13. JediMaster_Jen

    JediMaster_Jen Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jun 3, 2002
    Loved this!^:)^ Definitely a reason to keep the parents away. :)
  14. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    I have a comment, an observation, and an idea.

    Comment - this was very good.

    The underwear if hospitalised, calling because Obi did not call back, and shopping exploits, all sound very familiar.

    Observation - if she knows about Qui Gonn, Obi Wan must have been in contact at some point.

    Unless there are third party updaters, making contact on behalf of the jedi.

    Idea - When RL animal charities say you can adopt an animal, and some random tiger out on the Serengiti will write back to you twice a year with a photo; whomever it is that actually does the writing, maybe the Jedi Order should hire such an organisation to do that, write back to families, twice a year...