Before - Legends Why Palpatine Fell to the Dark Side (Humor)

Why Palpatine Fell to the Dark Side

by TigerofRobare

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or anything else that might find its way in here.

Summary: A collection of vignettes reveal several conjectural ways Palpatine became the evilist person in the Galaxy.


#1:

Summer was approching in beautiful Theed, capital of Naboo, school was almost out, and a young boy about thirteen standard years of age was was walking home with a chip the size of Yavin on his shoulder. He was known at school as "that Goth tranny" because he like to dress all in black robes--even during the hottest weather.

His name was Palpatine, Asmodeus Palpatine. He was angry because his father had decreed that he needed to get a job for the summer. Unfortunently, all the jobs had been taken; the last by a high school senior named Naberrie.

"Sithspit on Naberrie and all her descendents," Palpatine cursed.

Then he tripped over the hem of his robe and fell to the sidewalk. Some kids he knew from school laughed at him. It made him even angrier.

When he got home his mom was already there. "How as the job hunt?" she asked.

"Terrible. Everyone at school told them that I was 'angry,'" Asmodeus explained. "I guess they wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"Well," Mom said, "it's time to turn that frown upside down! I found a job for you."

Palpatine was not enthusiastic. "What?"

"Babysitting! Isn't it exciting! Mr. and Mrs. Plaugeis are going out tonight and need someone to take care of junior."

"Ugh," Asmodeus said. He was really angry now.

He begin to focus his anger, turn it into hatred. People would suffer, starting with his teddy gungan, then his action figures, then his hamster, then maybe Mr. Plaugeis (who was rumored to be fantastically wealthy and his house was reputed to be haunted). Palpatine suddenly tapped into a source of power he never new existed before. It was addictive.

I have no wife nor child, young one. Agree and I will teach you control over this power you are experiencing for the first time. We could do great things together, you and I. Just know that we'll start off with the basics first, like baking evil cookies and sneering a fluffy animals. Do you agree?

"Great! I love kids."

Finis.

Next Update: Palpy loses his magic dragon.

 

Just know that we'll start off with the basics first, like baking evil cookies and sneering a fluffy animals. Do you agree?

"Great! I love kids."

Who could resist a lure like that?

This was a hilarious start, man. I'll keep coming back as long you're posting updates on this one.

Nice work.

 

Hilarious!


He begin to focus his anger, turn it into hatred. People would suffer, starting with his teddy gungan, then his action figures, then his hamster, then maybe Mr. Plaugeis (who was rumored to be fantastically wealthy and his house was reputed to be haunted). Palpatine suddenly tapped into a source of power he never new existed before. It was addictive.

I have no wife nor child, young one. Agree and I will teach you control over this power you are experiencing for the first time. We could do great things together, you and I. Just know that we'll start off with the basics first, like baking evil cookies and sneering a fluffy animals. Do you agree?

"Great! I love kids."

 

Exeter: I would wonder about the evil cookies, myself.
Healer Leona: Thanks. You can definately have PMs.
UnderCoverJedi: Thanks.

---

[b]Author's Note:[/b] Anyone is welcome to take any of these vignettes and expand them into full fledged stories.
[hr]

[b]#2:[/b]

[b]Discalimer:[/b] "Puff the Magic Dragon" is owned by Peter, Paul, and Mary.

Little Jackie Palpatine scrambled over the sea sprayed rocks and through the autumn mists of Honnalee Province, Naboo. He had strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff for his best friend in the Galaxy, Puff the Dark Side dragon.

They were almost inseperable. Puff's powers allowed the pair to fly around the Galaxy. Drak Lords and Jedi Knights would bow to them out of respect, pirates wouldn't dare attack when Puff was on the patrol.

Palpatine came around the last sandy bend to his friend's cave and stopped dead in his tracks.

Two Jedi knights were stealing Puff! (Palpatine didn't know it, but Puff led a double life. When he wasn't around, Puff was viscious and destructive. He destroyed the ecosystems of entire planets to feed his rage and hunger. He wasn't a Dark Side dragon for nothing.)

The young, auburn haired boy watched helplessly as his best friend was shoved into a box that was then sealed and marked "Zoning Plans." As the Jedi lifted the mislabeled container away to Theed, he heard one of them say, "This'll look real nice in the Republic Zoo."

From that moment on, Jackie Palpatine swore eternal revenge against the Jedi and the Republic. He was obviously too young to know what sarcasm was.


[b]Finis[/b]

 

Healer Leona: I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but I used to cry whenever I heard it. It's usually easy in fiction to take pity on the villain.

---

[b]#3:[/b]

"I raise you ten more," the Nazi said, eyeing the giant red eye across from him warily.

"I fold," Elphiba, the Wicked Witch, said, throwing her cards on the table.

"I'm out too," Colonel Flagg said, "I've got to go back to CIA headquarters in the morning anyways."

"I see your ten and raise you ten more," General Zod said. "After this hand, you [i]will[/i] kneel before Zod."

Sauron eyed the Nazi back. "I see you both and raise you fifteen. The Ring can wait 'till I'm done cleaning you out, Heinrich."

Morgoth, Ra's al-Ghoul, Lex Luthor, and Professor Moriarty also folded.

That left just Palpatine, Lord Voldemort having lost a piece of his soul, the clothes off his back, and then his body in the last few hands.

"I see you," Palpatine said, his impassive face all but invisible beneath his black robe "and I call."

The pot stood at nine trillion blintzes. Heinrich the Nazi put his cards down first. He had been bluffing. All he had were a pair of fives. Zod had three fours. Sauron had a flush. Palpatine began to laugh. He laid his cards on the table, he had four of a kind. The blintzes were all his.

"Say, Ra's, has anyone ever told you look like Qui-gon Jinn?" Palpatine asked as Batman's nemesis got up to go.

"Who?"

Soon the comic book villians were gone, as was Professor Moriarty, who said he had an engagement at a [i]Star Trek[/i] convention. The Nazi also left, he had some allies to torture. Elphiba vanished in a puff of green smoke.

That left just Sauron, Morgoth, Voldemort, and Palpatine.

"Are you ready for a real bet, gentlevillians?" Palpatine asked.

"Yeah, of course," came the disembodied voice of Voldemort.

Sauron leaned over to a Ringwraith and said, "Remind me to take him to Gamblers Anonymous when we get back to England."

"Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."

"Do you have to drag your esses out like that?"

"Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."

"What's the bet, Palpy?" Voldemort asked enthusiastically.

"Well, Lord Volleyball, I bet that I will be the evilist person in the Galaxy."

The other dark lords broke up laughing. "You?" Morgoth said incredulously. "Puh-leeze. What can you do? You can't escape death like Volleyball here and you're not a god like Sauron or me."

"My ally is the Force," Palpatine said, "and a powerful ally it is. I will rule a Galaxy. You and Sauron have had millenia to enslave Middle-Earth but have yet to succede. You, Voldy, have had thirty years to conquer one tiny [i]country[/i] and haven't succeded. I'll show you how a real Dark Lord opperates!"

[b]Finis[/b]

 

The vignette is finis, not the collection. I've got to many ideas. You'll notice the end of the first one was finis. The second one should have been, but I forgot.

Time for special edition!

 

#4:

Jerry Palpatine paused outside the red marble building on the outskirts of Theed's government district. He squinted up at clean, shiny sun that was difficult to read with the Nubian sun radiating right onto it. It read, "Scum & Villans Anonymous."

He opened the door and walked in, carrying his Assosciate's Degree in psychology from Otah Gunga Community College with him. He walked up to the front desk, where a plump, green haired Rodian nurse sat behind it doing a crossword.

"Hi, I'm Jerry Palpatine--" he began.

The nurse waved a lazy hand. "Doctor Cahill told me," she said in a board voice. "He'd like to see you in his office--down the hall and to the right."

"Thank you."

Dr Cahill was a bald human with gray eyes and skin begining to show the ravages of time and stress. He had an iron gray mustache that blew outward whenever he spoke.

"Ah, Jerry, there you are. Ready for your first day?" Dr Cahill said, gazing enviously at Palpatine full read of curly red locks. (Not lox.)

"Yes, Doctor."

"Is there anything you especially wanted to know before we begin with the grand tour and what?"

"Yes, sir, there is," Jerry said. "I was wondering if you could tell me more about my charges."

"Course," Cahill said. His face suddenly flushed with excitement and enthusiasm, he was in his element. "You're going to be helping Dr Antilles deal with the most hardened group of villians ever assembled in one place ouside of a legislature.

"They want one thing and one thing only: power, absolute power."

"Absolute power?" Jerry repeated credulously.

"Yes. They want to be able to determine the course of someone's destiny, have any man or woman they want on a whim, make strange, incomprehensible, and paradoxical laws just for the entertainment value," Cahill listed, not noticing that Jerry's eyes were starting to glow amber, "order something built and destroyed the same day it's completed, build weapons of unimaginable power just for the heck of it, and live their lives in the midst of opulence and luxury while people not admitted to their decreed pleasure domes starve and die. Despicable, isn't it?"

Palpatine was licking his chops now. He had never realized just how good a life he would have as an archvillian rather than as an assistant at a government-run flee clinic.

"Show me the empire!" Jerry yelled.

After getting fired and kicked out of Dr Cahill's office, Palpatine passed the nurse, still doing her crossword.

"Hey," she said, "what's a four litter word for 'enemies of the Jedi?'"

"Sith," Jerry answered.

Hmm, Jerry thought, Sith. . . .

Finis

 

Healer_Leona: Thanks. Sometimes to right joke just comes along.

---

[b]#5:[/b]

With just three simple words delivered in a measured, calm, restrained, originally-pleasing-though-quickly-annoying female voice, an annonymous programmer with CyBot Galactic doomed the Galaxy to forty years or more of total chaos and misery.

Those words were: "Please hold, sir."

They were heard by the future Emperor as he waited that accursed eternity betwixt the time he called Customer Service for help installing his new DVD player and the time he actually got a real person's voice.

No one still living really knows what really happened to Palpatine during those four hours. We can only speculate that it was a horrible torture never to be equalled even by the sadistic Yuuzahn Vong that drove him thus to evil.

What is known, however, is that he modeled his Empire on the Customer Service department of that Trade Federation-owned electronics store.

[b]Finis[/b]

 

"What's the bet, Palpy?" Voldemort asked enthusiastically.

"Well, Lord Volleyball, I bet that I will be the evilist person in the Galaxy."

Lord Volleyball, I love that.

Oh God, this have been awesome, I have laughed so hard. Please send me pm?s when you update, I don?t want to miss any of these.

 

Ha, the last story made me groans. So true about the customer service. I just like these short stories. They're funny and a good explanation of why Palpatine falls to the Dark Side. Any of these stories would be "better" than the EU offical story of Palpatine's fall to the Dark Side.

 

Healer_Leona: Thanks. Wait till I get to the telemarketers . . .
Star_Angel: Thanks. PM's, comin' right up.
Crazydan: Thanks. What is the "official" explanation, anyways?

---

[b]#6:[/b]

Mark Loretta lined Mariano Rivera's pitch right to Robinson Cano.

It was over.

All over. The worst four days in Palpatine's life. His beloved Red Sox had been swept by the original Evil Empire--the hated New York Yankees--in five games.

Palpatine was catatonic after that last out was made, the terrible truths about the differences between the two storied rivals swirling in his mind.

Five games. Sweep. Almost no runs. Bullpen pitching like Little Leaguers on Acid. Starters with no control.

When he finally emerged from his repose, Palpatine was a changed man. He climbed to the roof of his favorite sports bar and shouted to the world: "I am a Red Sox fan. I will no longer wallow in self-pity, waiting for miracles which only come once. The Sox are like the weather here: everybody complains, but nobody does anything. Well, I'm doin something!"

His confused friends whispered among themselves:

"I think he's finally snapped."

"Right off the deep end."

"Not surprised--it's not like we've got somethin' to look forward to wi' the C's and B's."

"I wonder what he's gonna do."

For Palpatine, fear of the Sox not making the play-offs led to anger at the "Massacre" when it happened, led to more hatred of the Yankees, led to the suffering of the Galaxy when he hitched a ride in a flying saucer to go and seek his fortune so he could eventually return, buy the Yankees, and make sure they never could compete again.

Unfortuenently, he never returned. Must have gotten distracted somewhere.

[b]Finis[/b]

(But Sith [i]would[/i] make great hitters with their reflexes and all.)

 

That was hilarious. I could just picture Palpy on the rooftop, and I can understand why his friends believed that he had snapped, I would too. Amazing update and thanks for the pm.

 

This is hysterical! My favorite was definitley the Evil Overlord Convention one, mostly because my sister and I used to argue over who was the most evil: Voldy, Palpy, or Sauron! My bets are on Palpy, all the way...
Excellent job on all of these, they really brightened up my day!

 

Healer_Leona: Thanks. I can't believe that my last post was in AUGUST!

Star_Angel: Thanks. I try.

Star-Foozle: Thanks. I think that's my favorite, too. I'm thinking of expanding it into a full story. Glad to hear that.

---

[b]#7[/b]

Palpatine could not believe it. Almost an entire year and a half since BlindMan had posted his last story on [i]Short Attention Span Theater Presents[/i]. A year and a half of the unbearable absence of updates from the best humor writer on the boards.

He was so distraught that he didn't know where to turn. It seemed as if all was lost--no posts from BlindMan, the abandonment of [i]Dear Ani[/i] (that stupid TigerofRobare didn't know when he had a good thing), and the completion of [i]Harry Potter and the Dark Lord of the Sith[/i] and [i]Jedi At Hogwarts[/i]--all his favorite stories were dieing or being completed.

There was only one thing to do: more source material. And the more outrageous the better.

In the dead of night he altered memos and story conferencing notes from Del Rey and Dark Horse: In the next big novel Jacen Solo is revealed to be a clone of Palpatine and Anakin Skywalker; comics on Palpatine's backstory reveal he enjoyed playing with dolls, liked to play practical jokes on Lord Vader (like fiddling with his life-support systems or painting his armor pink for Mother's Day); Luke and Mara Jade break up, he becomes the greatest lover in the Galaxy and she drinks the water in the Coruscant underground and declares herself Queen of the Lizard-People; meanwhile Jaina goes into Jizz dancing; Jagged Fel forms a rock band; and Han enters the Corellian Three-Fourths-of-life-crisis and turns into a potted plant.

But not even this seemed to get the stories out of their funk. In fact, all of Palpatine's mischief merely causes the Great Plot Bunny Plague of '07.

Not even Plan B worked: an invasion of the Galaxy by swarms of Chewbacca, Palpatine, Anakin Skywalker, and Anakin Solo clones. ([i]Own your very own Sith Lord![/i]).

Finally there was one thing to do: he went back in time to a peaceful period in his life on Naboo; before the Plaugeis, before the Sith. He needed to convince his younger self to be eviler than evil, because humor is always better directed against pure evil.

He found his younger self playing video games at an arcade. "Hey kid," Old Palpy called to Young Palpy.

"Yeah?" Young Palpy asked.

"Two things: be as evil as possible and tell your friends to say 'I've got a bad feeling about this' for no apparent reason."

"Okay," Young Palpy said, and went back to Video games.

[b]Finis[/b]

 

Boys?j/k, this updates was great and thanks for the pm.

 

I am so glad that I didn't read this at work, because the last things my cube mates need are more reasons to think I'm crazy. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. Absolutely hilarious!!

 

LOL I LOVED EVERY 1 OF THEM ITS THE BEST HUMER IVE HAD IN LONG TIME. THANKS ALOT!

 

heheheh
reasons why this is hilarous:
- "I guess they wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
- Lord Volleyball
- "Scum & Villans Anonymous."
- "Please hold, sir." ... No one still living really knows what really happened to Palpatine during those four hours...
- ..when he hitched a ride in a flying saucer to go and seek his fortune so he could eventually return, buy the Yankees, and make sure they never could compete again...Unfortunately, he never returned. Must have gotten distracted somewhere.
- He found his younger self playing video games at an arcade. "Hey kid," Old Palpy called to Young Palpy..."Two things: be as evil as possible and tell your friends to say 'I've got a bad feeling about this' for no apparent reason."


I love how Palpy has a different first name in every vig.

Nice!