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Before - Legends Why Palpatine Fell to the Dark Side (Humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by TigerofRobare, Jul 26, 2006.

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  1. TigerofRobare

    TigerofRobare Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 11, 2006
    Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but humor is hard to write.

    #8

    Doctor Milo Poindexter looked up from his list of applicants for the new temp position at Naboo Deep Core Research, Limited. It really was beneath him, the King and Tyrant of the corporation, to be conducting interviews for this sort of glorified janitorial work, but he only had one assistant: Brak, and no other employees. He would have Brak do it, but Brak was more of a highly trained grunt then someone in a managerial position. Brak was technically a graduate student in Dry-Ice-Filled-Beaker Chemistry and Arcane-Electrical-Apparatus at Theed Technical College.

    "Next," he said boredly. Poindexter read the application: Polyp Palpatine, twenty-three, high-school degree, college drop-out from Otah Gunga Community College.

    Palpatine walked in. He was a tall redhead with a widow's peak and walked with his hands folded in front of him like he carried an invisible purse. "Take a seat," the Doctor said, feigning interest and excitement. They shook hands across Poindexter's Ithorian hardwood desk.

    The interview went well and Dr. Poindexter got the impression of an average, working-class guy with little ambition, less skills, and a life going nowhere in hyperspace. Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish to impress upon you all that Polyp Palpatine was Ion Q. Antilles personified.

    In other words, he was the perfect temp. He was hired.

    Dr. Poindexter and and Brak were both mad scientists. They did not realize that Palpatine was astute enough to be aware of that fact and so, though the youngster performed his duties well, he learned much in a short while and grew on the scientists nerves with his questions.

    "I can't stand Polyp anymore!" Brak complained to Poindexter over lunch one day. "You should fire him."

    "I can't stand him either, but relax. I've got something planned," the Doctor said.

    "Like what?"

    "In order to further my plans of galactic domination I've hit upon a new way to break down a person's resistance to brainwashing."

    "What might that be?" Brak was intrigued.

    "We'll put him up in space in isolation and I'll send him cheesy movies, the worst I can find--"

    "La la la," Brak interrupted.

    "And monitor his mind," Dr. Poindexter finished.

    The two scientists worked out a plan. Poindexter made the arrangments for the spaceship they would put Palpatine on while Brak prepared him for the experiment. He hit over the head with a hydrospanner.

    Over three years of the worst movies ever made reduced Palpatine to a quivering mass of jelly. In his deranged state he discoveredd his prowess with the Dark Side of the Force.

    The rest, as they say, is history. Or rather not, since the Emperor had all records of his past suppressed so neither the Rebels nor Darth Vader would ever know that saying the words "Coleman Francis" could reduce the greatest Sith Master in millennia to a cowering wreck.

    Finis

     
  2. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrely Community Mod star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Cheesy movies??? I can see where that would drive someone to the Dasrk Side. :D :D


    Excellent ending TigerofRobare , thanks for sharing it with us.
     
  3. Meredith_Kenobi

    Meredith_Kenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    [face_laugh] These are marvelous and very imaginative. I applaud you: =D=
     
  4. Beta-Commando

    Beta-Commando Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jul 4, 2007
    OMG, way too funny! If you've got a PM List, put me on there ASAP!
     
  5. Star_Angel

    Star_Angel Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 18, 2006
    "We'll put him up in space in isolation and I'll send him cheesy movies, the worst I can find--"

    *laughs* yeah, that should be enough to drive anyone crazy.

    Amazing and funny. Thanks for the pm.
     
  6. TigerofRobare

    TigerofRobare Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 11, 2006
    Healer_Leona: It's from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

    Meredith_Kenobi: Thank you.

    Beta-Commando: Sure.

    Star_Angel: Thank you. You're welcome.

     
  7. obsessedwithSW

    obsessedwithSW Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 24, 2005
    Those words were: "Please hold, sir."

    They were heard by the future Emperor as he waited that accursed eternity betwixt the time he called Customer Service for help installing his new DVD player and the time he actually got a real person's voice.

    No one still living really knows what really happened to Palpatine during those four hours. We can only speculate that it was a horrible torture never to be equalled even by the sadistic Yuuzahn Vong that drove him thus to evil.

    What is known, however, is that he modeled his Empire on the Customer Service department of that Trade Federation-owned electronics store.


    This ones my favorite and I bet *winks* is true! =D=
     
  8. TigerofRobare

    TigerofRobare Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 11, 2006
    obsessedwithSW: Thanks. It's actually happened to me.
    [hr]

    #9

    "Yeah! All right!" Frank Palpatine yelled as the bell that signified the LAST DAY of SCHOOL rang.

    He jumped out of his cramped chair and bounded through the crowded halls of Theed High School. Not only was it the last day of school, it was his last day of high school forever. He was graduating later that night. Then he would be off to college at the University of Selonia in eleven weeks.

    He hopped on his moped and sped off towards home to change into his crimson robes and eat dinner before the ceremony. On the way he passed a street coffee vendor. The sign on his green umbrella read "Mr. Plagueis's Finest." The scent of the coffee almost made him crash. He pulled over and walked back to the vendor.

    Mr. Plagueis was a middle-aged Muun who was tall and gaunt like his species. Palpatine paused only briefly to wonder how a probably lower-caste Muun had managed to end up on Naboo. But the scent was so overpowering, he just didn't care. He HAD to have some coffee.

    But what to have? There were so many choices amd they were all made up of incomprehensible words. "What do you recommend?" Palpatine asked.

    Mr. Plagueis thought for a moment. "Try the hazelnut macchioto; it'll change your life."

    Everything was blasted out of Palpatine's mind the moment the hot liquid touched his tongue. He let out an orgasmic sigh of pleasure.

    "Well," Plagueis asked, "will you pledge yourself to the Dark Side of the Force?"

    "Yes, Master. Give me another."

    Finis


     
  9. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrely Community Mod star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    But what to have? There were so many choices amd they were all made up of incomprehensible words. "What do you recommend?" Palpatine asked.

    Mr. Plagueis thought for a moment. "Try the hazelnut macchioto; it'll change your life."

    Everything was blasted out of Palpatine's mind the moment the hot liquid touched his tongue. He let out an orgasmic sigh of pleasure.

    "Well," Plagueis asked, "will you pledge yourself to the Dark Side of the Force?"

    "Yes, Master. Give me another."


    It's the gourmet coffee that did it??? I knew it!!!! They're trying to make addicts of us all!!! :p

    Very fun fic Tiger, thanks for sharing it!
     
  10. TigerofRobare

    TigerofRobare Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 11, 2006
    Healer_Leona: I know. Ever see Robot Chicken: Star Wars? Palpatine tells Ray: "Try the Hazlenut Macchioto, it'll change your life."

    Epilogue to #9

    Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious put his arm on Anakin Skywalker's shoulder in a gesture of affection and compassion. Anakin was weeping, looking at the Jedi carnage he had helped to cause.

    "What have I done?" he sobbed.

    Palpatine casually levitated his personal coffee machine over to his desk. "Try a hazelnut macchioto," the Chancellor said, "it'll change your life."
     
  11. Alexis_Wingstar

    Alexis_Wingstar Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 16, 2006
    [face_laugh] Those were all so hilarious. I can't possibly choose a favorite.

    [face_thinking] With Edmund it was Turkish Delight, Palpy the Hazlenut Macchioto. :p
     
  12. SithGirl132

    SithGirl132 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 6, 2005
    ROFL!! these are a great and humorous collection of vignettes. Now, what really did happen to Palpy? I think maybe it was the babysitting...
     
  13. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrely Community Mod star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    Ever see Robot Chicken: Star Wars? Palpatine tells Ray: "Try the Hazlenut Macchioto, it'll change your life."


    Sadly, no. I know I must though.
    :D :D
     
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