Saga "Wine is Stronger Than Whines" dark Obi, Ani. Gleefully evil fun. M*A*S*H challenge.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Valairy Scot, May 16, 2009.

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  1. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    Title: Wine is Stronger than Whines
    Author Valairy_Scot
    Timeframe: Saga
    Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi,Anakin Skywalker, Yoda, mention of Qui-Gon
    Genre: (dark, very dark) Humor, M*A*S*H challenge,
    Keywords: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Yoda
    Summary: Obi-Wan serves justice when Anakin dishes out one too many whines. Too bad the kid didn't know wine is stronger than whines.
    Notes: M*A*S*H challenge.

    The quote:

    Pernelli: Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.
    Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.

    Additional author note: Very dark humor - sick, you might even say. Why this ravenous plot bunny popped up while I was bicycling on a beautiful day I do not know.



    Wine is Stronger Than Whines



    ?Master Qui-Gon wouldn?t?ve.?

    One small boy stared defiantly at a young Jedi knight. The knight stared back. Was this how it was going to be?

    Master always had said he hoped his own padawan would have one just like him ? so he?d know. Well, he knew. So did Qui-Gon apparently. He?d decided to go and get himself killed so as to leave Obi-Wan to train the boy.

    It was a good thing Qui-Gon was already dead, else Obi-Wan would have killed him.

    ?Master Qui-Gon would not have ? and how do you know? Is he a ghost that speaks to you!? Obi-Wan leaned forward. He gritted his teeth, counted to ten, and counted again. His padawan was quite getting on his last nerve.

    Two days back at the Temple and all he heard was, ?Qui-Gon would have? or ?Qui-Gon would not have.?

    Two days of whining, two days of complaining, two days of a headache that would not go away. He couldn?t even find a minute alone in the fresher to cry his eyes out in peace; no, the kid even whined through the doorway about his breakfast, or his pillow, or the bedtime story he wanted for the fifth time.

    Not to mention the whining for his mother and Qui-Gon, followed by his whine for Qui-Gon then his mother.

    ?Anakin Skywalker, that is quite enough! After class ? after ? we will go to the training sallé and watch the older apprentices practice.?

    ?But I want a lightsaber! Master Qui-Gon would have let me use his?.? Glurb, gargle, gurgle.

    It was a Sithly thing to do, but by the Force, the boy had shut up all right. It was all the Jedi knight could do not to apply even more pressure. ?Not one word ? not one more,? he warned.

    ?You hate me!?

    ?That?s three.?

    The boy scampered off, not at all upset that his master was glaring at him or making plans.

    ?Sithly apprentice,? Obi-Wan muttered.

    **

    ?Dinner, Anakin.?

    ?Just another twist?it should fit right here,? Anakin shouted back, working on a droid he had somehow discovered and started resurrecting.

    ?Dinner, now!?

    ?Keep it warm ? I?m busy!?

    Obi-Wan counted to twenty, then again. He plastered a smile on his face and walked over to his padawan?s room. ?It?s turkey ? the fixings.? And the wine ? the entire bottle, is mine!

    Just like the first bottle he?d drank while fixing dinner. And the third one he would drink later, hidden under his bed.

    Everything went better with wine, he had once heard. Maybe, he hoped, that was true of padawans as well.

    He was trying really hard. He?d bought earplugs so he wouldn?t hear the boy at night, wine so he wouldn?t mind if he actually heard the boy once in a while, and had gone to a lot of trouble to fix a nice meal, like, he gritted his teeth, ?Mom made.?

    ?Eech. Everything you cook tastes like overcooked chicken.?

    ?Turkey and chicken are quite alike.? The wine definitely helped with the smile, he decided. It was still on his face.

    ?But macaroni and cheese shouldn?t taste like chicken.?

    ?Haven?t you heard the old saying ?everything tastes like chicken,? Padawan?? Damn, that was a fine bottle of wine - the smile was still there.

    ?But I hate chicken!?

    Apparently the wine had evaporated with his smile. And his patience.

    Obi-Wan rubbed a temple
  2. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    :eek:[face_skull]That was an evil Obi and a nice twist at the end.

    and it reminds me of a song you can hear always before Christmas where a bunny (the favorite animal of a little boy) is always served as diner. The boy grows up and the father becomes the diner next christmas.(Flappie, Youp van't Hek)
  3. GeneralKenobi7 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 18, 2009
    star 4
    :eek: That was quite an...interesting plot bunny;)
  4. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4
    I'll drink to that.8-}

    A glass of red if you please Obi-Wan.=P~
    However, you can keep Anakin to yourself. I'm sure your stomach
    will be upset for weeks.[face_sick]

    A very fitting end to the Padawan from Hell!=D=
  5. Nyota's Heart Combos & Paragraphs Host

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Aug 31, 2004
    star 6
    That was very very ... I don't have a word for it LOL!!!! I enjoyed though I'm not sure I should [face_laugh] Great use of the quote. Anakin was being a total and undeniable brat!!! [face_frustrated]
  6. MiralukaJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2008
    star 4
    Nicely done. Great response to the challenge. Anakin got what he asked for whining that much.
  7. GuNgAnFaN3090 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 16, 2008
    star 5
    Perfectly evil! [face_skull] [face_devil] That was so awesome! Poor Obi...The ending was classic! [face_laugh] Great, fantastic, evil work!

    =D= [face_devil] =D= [face_devil]
  8. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    earlybird-obi-wan: Yeah, I loved that twist, too. I'm not so sure Obi is evil, though - I can't say as I blame him.

    GeneralKenobi7: That was quite an...interesting plot bunny Oh, come on, you can say what you really think - it is quite - demented and thoroughly satisfying.

    Gkikenny: [face_talk_hand] Oh, oh, I've driven you to drink! A very fitting end to the Padawan from Hell! Anakin did want to be a Jedi, and a Jedi lives to serve - or be served. ;)

    Jade_eyes: That was very very ... I don't have a word for it LOL!!!! [face_devil] I do. Strange. Weird. Demented.

    MiralukaJedi: You might say his "just desserts."

    GuNgAnFaN3090: So glad you liked it. That was one the quickest stories I've ever written, from concept to posting. Now, my 3rd challenge...I'm having trouble visualizing that one whereas this one just hit me hard and hit me fast.

  9. CherryLightsaber Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 16, 2005
    star 4
    Very entertaining, good job. Not an evil Obi I have the privilege of reading very often (although I don't read many fanfics these days - darn school). Great characterization and awesomely done ending.

    ?The prophecy only said he was the ?Chosen One,? Master. He didn't come with a manual, you know, so I chose his destiny for him, I chose to make him stew.?

    [face_laugh]=D=
  10. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    CherryLightsaber: Very entertaining, good job. Not an evil Obi I have the privilege of reading very often

    Nor one I write, either, but then, is Obi really evil? I mean, sure, he made Padawan Stew, but was that truly evil?


    Great characterization and awesomely done ending. I have to admit, once I got that ending, I knew I had the story.

  11. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    I am in love with you. :p

    Seriously, not only do you have Obi-Wan kill Anakin out of simple annoyance, but then proceed to cook and eat him. [face_laugh] Imagining our mild-mannered Obi-Wan doing all of this is hilarious. (and a very small, wicked part of me wishes it were canon! [face_skull] ). Fantastic!
  12. obsessedwithSW Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 24, 2005
    star 4
    Me Thinks you might need children to truely appriciate the realism and humor in this. I have used the wine remedy on many occasions.
    And I have thought about the stew solution a time or two...[face_devil]
    Great job Valary
  13. CherryLightsaber Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 16, 2005
    star 4
    You make a valid point. [face_thinking]
  14. TheMacUnleashed Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 2, 2009
    star 4
    That was twisted... I loved it! Hilarious, and, oddly enough, I can see Obi-Wan doing this.
  15. GeneralKenobi7 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 18, 2009
    star 4
    Okay, okay, I admit it:p
  16. Delight Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2001
    star 4
    Hilarious! The best part is Yoda's reaction... priceless.
  17. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    LuvEwan: am in love with you. Aw, shucks...how sweet. [face_blush]

    Seriously, not only do you have Obi-Wan kill Anakin out of simple annoyance, but then proceed to cook and eat him. Imagining our mild-mannered Obi-Wan doing all of this is hilarious.

    Somewhat surreal, indeed. You can only push Obi-Wan so far....


    ObsessedwithSW: Me Thinks you might need children to truely appriciate the realism and humor in this. I have used the wine remedy on many occasions. For lack of children, think demanding needs-to-be-watered Siamese cat! Has a bowl of water, but nooooooooooh...wants to sit in place with mouth open and be fed water with a syringe. Not joking! Hmmm, a Qui and pathetic life form story with Obi doing the force-feeding plot bunny?

    CherryLightsaber: Evil is in the eye of the beholder, right?

    TheMacUnleashed: That was twisted... I loved it! Hilarious, and, oddly enough, I can see Obi-Wan doing this. Thanks! I agree, somehow it's not really OOC - you've got to watch out for those mild-mannered ones.

    GeneralKenobi7: There, was that so hard to say...it is demented and evil and thoroughly fun.

    Delight: Hilarious! The best part is Yoda's reaction... priceless. He was a bit underwhelmed with the loss of Anakin, wasn't he? There goes the galaxy...!



  18. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Well, that certainly is one unique way of getting rid of that pesky Skywalker problem. [face_laugh] Aaaaaaah, but I think Anakin might be issuing his curse to his young master in the fresher later. :p

  19. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    Yup - but eventually Obi-Wan will get Anakin out of his system for good. ;)
  20. Mousie Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 27, 2002
    star 1
    :D Oh wow....that was evilly funny in a twisted way.
    ?Stew for the padawans, Obi-Wan, not Padawan Stew.? He stared into the pot and stirred, and sighed again. ?There goes the galaxy.?
    That was a great line of Yoda's.
  21. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    Mousie: Oh wow....that was evilly funny in a twisted way.

    Exactly my intent...the perfect summation, glad you enjoyed it.
  22. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Not sure how I missed this earlier. [face_thinking] But I'm glad I found it NOW!

    Obi-Wan counted to twenty, then again. He plastered a smile on his face and walked over to his padawan?s room. ?It?s turkey ? the fixings.? And the wine ? the entire bottle, is mine!

    Just like the first bottle he?d drank while fixing dinner. And the third one he would drink later, hidden under his bed.

    Everything went better with wine, he had once heard. Maybe, he hoped, that was true of padawans as well.

    He was trying really hard. He?d bought earplugs so he wouldn?t hear the boy at night, wine so he wouldn?t mind if he actually heard the boy once in a while, and had gone to a lot of trouble to fix a nice meal, like, he gritted his teeth, ?Mom made.?


    [face_laugh] Excellent. [face_devil] =D=
  23. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    VaderLVR64: Better a very belated thanks for reading than none at all! Thanks.
  24. Darth_Nellie Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 2, 2008
    star 1
    This certainly brought a smile to my face. Thank you.
  25. dm1 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 9, 2004
    star 4
    [face_laugh] That was deliciously funny... full of double entendres!

    A fitting end to the "Chosen One!"
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