Before Winter Comes- A Yoda story

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by sidious618, Dec 12, 2004.

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  1. sidious618 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 20, 2003
    star 6
    Winter Comes


    The young padawan slowly, nervously, walked down the gangway from the Jedi transport. The padawan was followed by another Jedi, a human man, who seemed more confident but apprehensive, nonetheless.

    The young padawan was extremely short and rather green. He was called Yoda and he was on Korriban. Not something he was particularly excited about.

    Yoda looked back at the Jedi behind him, "Safe are we?"

    "Yes, my young friend, we?re safe." The Jedi smiled. Millin Kevell had been a Jedi Knight for ten years but he had never before traveled to Korriban. Nor was it a trip he looked forward too.

    However, it was Yoda who felt the most venerable, being only sixteen years old and without his master. Never before had he felt the Dark Side so strong before. Never before had he felt so out of place. Never before had he been so scared. Yoda took a deep breath and looked about. Korriban was a desolate planet, sandy and mountainous. The planet itself seemed to consist of one color: brown. Far off was a statue that called out to Yoda, like the Room of a Thousand Fountains called to him in the temple. There was a difference, though. The fountains asked Yoda to come and feel peace while the statue did not. It called him to do something, but what he could not say. The padawan looked down at his small arms and saw that they were covered in goosebumps.

    This fact didn?t escape Kevell, either, who he put a reassuring hand on Yoda?s shoulder and the little man managed a small smile. "Our goal," the Knight stated, "is that statue. That?s where the holocron is supposed to be. Are you ready to go?"

    Yoda nodded and tried to verbalize that he was indeed ready but no words came. Kevell appeared satisfied with the nod and walked forward, Yoda now behind him. Beneath his feet he felt the hard sand that scrapped his feet and the rock that stuck up every so often made him jump up slightly. Korriban was not his favorite place to be.

    Yoda was trying to calm himself as they walked so when they arrived at the statue he didn?t notice until he bumped into Kevell?s back. "Oh, here we are. At the statue we are." Yoda looked up to the top of the statue and felt dizzy. "High that is."

    Kevell nodded gravely, "Indeed it is. Do you know whose tomb this is?"

    Yoda looked over at Kevell and shrugged. "Darth Malak?s?"

    Kevell shook his head, "No, my friend, this is Darth Sion?s tomb. A Dark Lord that had a body that was decayed and only a skeleton. Pure hatred held him together."

    Yoda?s eyes widened. "Pleasant that is."

    They entered the tomb.

    ***

    A shadowy figure watched the two Jedi enter the tomb from a distance. He smiled to himself, slightly. Jedi, he thought. Welcome to Korriban. May you leave in peace. But one thing you will not be leaving with, is the holocron.

    With that he slipped the holocron into his pocket and walked back to his ship.

    ***

    The tomb was dark and clammy. The corridors were lighted by torches that Yoda found especially interesting as they had apparently stayed lit for centuries by themselves. Must be some technology he didn?t understand.

    "The holocron is not here," Kevell announced, softly. "But there is something else here. Another body in another coffin. I believe this has been buried recently."

    Yoda perked up. "But extinct the Sith are."

    "Yes," Kevell said. "Yes, they are. Nevertheless this body is buried in a Sith fashion. Take a look."

    Yoda turned even greener. "Fine I will be." Kevell said nothing and he turned.

    "Time to go, Yoda. I have to say you?ve just been through one of the worst experiences of your life. Your first real touch of the Dark Side."

    Yoda nodded. "Exciting it was not."

    "Indeed," Kevell replied. "Indeed."

    End.


    ****************************************

    All comments are welcome, be they positive or negative.
  2. MistiWhitesun Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 16, 2004
    star 3
    Good job! :) Nicely developed.

    Yoda?s eyes widened. "Pleasant that is."

    Great line! :)

    Keep writing! :D

    I do have some critique. Mainly some grammatical things? It's my strong point. Merely what I noticed reading through. I try to tell you the rule so you can teach yourself this stuff?after all that is the point of critiques! ;) If you want me to edit it out later, let me know.


    It sounds like Yoda's been to that planet before, so calling it his "first touch with the Dark Side" doesn't seem to make much sense.


    "Padawan" and "Master" (in the Jedi instructor sense) are generally capitalized.


    Tip: Watch the adverbs. ;) Too many makes for weak writing?your nouns and verbs should carry the story. (I have trouble with this.) Some others on the boards will tell you differently?but when they say such I have to wonder how much research they've done on the subject, and of what quality?


    Nor was it a trip he looked forward too.

    Last word there should be "to". "Too" is the adverb.


    Kevell nodded gravely, "Indeed it is. Do you know whose tomb this is?"

    Kevell's "nodd[ing] gravely" has no connection to how he says his statement, so it isn't a part of the quote's sentence. That comma should be a period.


    Tip: Whenever you see "[a person] that was?", you're probably using the wordy, vague version of how you can describe that.


    Thoughts should be italicized.


    But one thing you will not be leaving with, is the holocron.

    Needless comma. A good way to tell where commas should go is to read something aloud. Where you naturally pause while reading, put a comma.


    Tip: Avoid passive voice. Your story would probably have more "punch" if you used more active voice?that's where the subject is doing the action. In passive voice, the subject receives the action.

    It's "The door was slammed," (passive) versus "She slammed the door," (active).


    This is not as much as it looks. It's semi-common errors in the writing process. :D/>
  3. sidious618 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 20, 2003
    star 6

    It sounds like Yoda's been to that planet before, so calling it his "first touch with the Dark Side" doesn't seem to make much sense.


    I meant for it to be his first visit but I guess I wasn't clear.

    Thanks for the grammar tips, though, they do help.
  4. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Followed the link from the challenge thread, obviously I missed a gem of a viggie...

    I like how Yoda felt the peace of the fountains in the Temple and sense the darness of the holocron from the statue on Korriban. Yoda?s eyes widened. "Pleasant that is." Love that line from young Yoda.

    You do a wonderful job with Yoda and I hope to see more since the Yoda thread is up and running now. I find a young and learning Yoda very ineresting.

  5. sidious618 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 20, 2003
    star 6
    Thank you very much. I love Yoda and he'll be taking a huge role in "24".
  6. jodiwent Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 11, 2000
    star 4
    I thought I had commented on this back when you first posted it. Oops.

    I like this and would like to see more of your version of Padawan Yoda.

    P.S. only days before you started posting 24, I was wondering when someone would.
  7. sidious618 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 20, 2003
    star 6
    Would do a "24" story you mean?

    And, yes, I'll do some more padawan Yoda stories in the future.
  8. LukesTheMan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 30, 2004
    star 3
    Very nice! Not too many Yoda stories making the rounds these days. Good work!
  9. sidious618 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 20, 2003
    star 6
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