Wonderfully Bad Movies

Discussion in 'Archive: The Amphitheatre' started by Merlin_Ambrosius69, Apr 11, 2009.

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  1. Merlin_Ambrosius69 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 4, 2008
    star 5
    I propose a thread in which we discuss our favorite movies that are so bad that they somehow transcend being merely awful, and become magically wonderful, delightful, sublime, inspired, insipid, or just plain unintentionally funny.

    Any stinker worthy of RiffTrax or MST3000 is the kind of thing I'm going for here.

    My first review will be for the majestically stupid Sasquatch Hunters (2004).

    Some Legends Don't Die. They KILL.

    This direct-to-DVD masterpiece of absurdity is brought to you by the same super-talented production company that has gifted the world with the likes of Frankenfish, Boa vs. Python, and Asylum of the Damned -- all genius-level tour de forces in their own right, I have no doubt, though tragically I have yet to be graced with their especial brand of wonderment.

    Also tragically, I spent $10 at my local HEB grocery store on Sasquatch Hunters, whose front cover depicts in extreme close-up a snarling man-beast, motion-blurred as he leaps out toward the viewer, madness glinting in his feral eye, teeth smudged with what can only be human blood, and accompanied by the ingenious, if mind-boggling, motto: "THE FEAR IS PRIMEVAL. THE AGONY IS REAL." On the back cover are two pictures of people holding shotguns, one picture of a snarling man-beast, and one drawing of a confused-looking, if mildly angry, man-beast. All are ensconced in a pleasant wooded tableaux.

    "How could the producers possibly go wrong?" I wondered to myself as the checker rang up my purchase, along with a large bottle of wine which I suspected might become useful as the evening progressed. My suspicions were confirmed, even as my question was answered, by the opening sequence in the movie.

    In this five-minute "teaser", as such pre-credit sequences are commonly known, three unlikable rednecks are depicted in the deep woods of some unidentified American state, making crude jokes, firing indiscriminately into the forest, making crude jokes, and generally giving the viewer no reason to like them or to want them to remain alive past the opening credits. Semi-thankfully, we get to see one of them, the least likable of the trio if such a feat is possible, getting torn to shreds by a snarling man-beast rendered in unconvincing computer-generated imagery.

    Cue CREDITS, accompanied by a stirring, all-synth score. If you haven't finished your first glass of wine by now, you haven't been paying attention.

    Next, in ACT ONE, we are treated to an introduction of a wonderful cast of characters whose collective on-screen presences exude charisma, intelligence, a certain savoir faire and... awww, who the hell am I kidding? They're all a buncha idiots: A pair of middle-aged park rangers (one of them a square-jawed Dudley Do-right), a grandfatherly paleontologist, a Jane Goodall-ish (she wishes) anthropologista, a blond pack-mule with a huge rack, and a junior trio of hormone-addled park rangers, one of whom is a girl. Is this movie awesome, or what?

    See, the park rangers are accompanying the scientists on a 4-day hike into the woods to seek out "bones... er, fossils!" as the chipper 19-year-old anthro chick decries. The blond rack-mule is their assistant. Slaughter fodder, anyone? Lay your bets now on who makes it to the end of the movie. You might be surprised by the outcome, but only because the writers are too dim to realize which characters are supposed to die. More on this later.

    You should be well into your second glass by now.

    During the hike, scored with that oddly heroic theme music, we glean insight into which junior park ranger wants to boink which other cast member. I'm not telling because no one cares. We do learn that sasquatch is using some kind of weirdo-vision to watch the blond take a camp-shower, but we cannot discern whether he (?) likes it or not. She remains clothed in a bikini the whole time, so I suspect not.

    Anyway, in a leftover scene from the teaser, sasquatch throws the one remaining redneck against a tree, the man-beast alternating his incarnation between a hairy man-in-costu
  2. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    This sounds like MST3K material.

    I find that you can't manufacture this type of movie, however.

    "Snakes on a Plane" rather proves it.
  3. Merlin_Ambrosius69 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 4, 2008
    star 5
    That seems to be the general consensus, but I thought "Snakes" was hilarious.

    I do tend to suspect that the makers of the above-excoriated Sasquatch Hunters were mostly unaware of their utter failure to produce quality entertainment. But it's hard to tell.
  4. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    Too much irony seems to ruin the mix. I haven't seen "Snakes", but what I meant is that you can't seem to manufacture a cult film.
  5. MagicSpork Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2004
    star 2
    I might be the only person that genuinely enjoyed Snakes on a Plane for reasons other than its cheesiness.

    Now, Black Snake Moan made Snakes on a Plane look like Gone with the Wind.

  6. Darth Dark Helmet Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Dec 27, 1999
    star 6
    No, I walked out thinking that it seemed to be actually a decent movie.

    Now, Kingdom of the Spiders, in which William Shatner battles killer spiders, that is an awesomely, horrible movie.
  7. jangoisadrunk Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 7, 2005
    star 4
    God, Sasquatch Hunters was awesome, but not as awesome as the Sasquatch movie starring Lance Henrickson Sci-Fi channel showed before Sasquatch Hunters a few years ago. I can't remember the title, but I remember it being full of some almost genuinely funny dialog.

    Of course, for my money, the king of wonderfully bad Sasquatch movies since The Legend of Boggy Creek was Abominable starring that dude who played Lloyd Brawn in those two episodes of Seinfeld. It's like Rear Window but with 100% more raging Sasquatch attacks. It contained, hands down, the worst Sasquatch costume head ever. The fake head's frozen expression reminded me of a really constipated Asian person. Plus, I'm pretty sure the theatrical release (yes, it had one - and it even has a Metacritic score) contained nudity.
  8. Merlin_Ambrosius69 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 4, 2008
    star 5
    Zowie! Those other sasquatch movies sound like incomparable screen gems! As a bigfoot "enthusiast" (read: skeptic), I love a good (read: bad) 'squatch movie, and here, suddenly, are two more for my viewing delight! Of course I've seen Boggy Creek and also the various episodes of the Bionic Man, and Woman, featuring Bionic Bigfoot... but I haven't seen Abominable and I haven't seen the Lance Henriksen beauty of which you speak. I'll check 'em out and report back when I've "taken one for the team".

    [face_monkey]
  9. Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 8
    Great thread; I used to write reviews like that of bad movies all the time, though mine were generally upwards of three times as long as yours and probably about half as interesting.

    I'll dig around and see if I can find some of my old ones and maybe post them in installments, if you're amenable? I recall Mrs. Santa Claus with Angela Lansbury, Keanu Reeves' horrid Johnny Mnemonic and that Jon Voight miniseries version of Noah's Ark. And, oh, yes, that old venerable Rory Calhoun horror masterpiece, Motel Hell, probably the best review I ever wrote simply because it was the worst of the movies. :p

    This thread will be fun.
  10. Chancellor_Ewok Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 8, 2004
    star 6
    First Knight. What a shame that was such a horrible movie. Sean Connery playing King Arthur should have been really awesome.
  11. JMJacenSolo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2006
    star 4
    Ladies and Gentleman, I present

    The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

    About twenty years ago a mom and pop video rental store was going out of business and selling all of their inventory, and my aunt purchased this for her then-infant son. Who could have known what she had unleashed? This movie is not only terrible, it is truly bizarre. This is a movie about a group of midgets including a talking alligator, an ugly baby troll, a pimple-ridden geek who constantly pisses on himself, and an assortment of other bizarre characters who strike up a friendship with a down-on-his-luck teen named Dodger. And what drives this friendship? The Garbage Pail Kids talent for sewing outfits, of course! Armed with the Garbage Pail Kids fashion creations, Dodgers successfully woos his love-interest, Tangerine. Or so he thinks. Tangerine actually locks up the GPK and turns them over to her hoodlum boyfriend, Juice. Juice sells the Garbage Pail Kids to the State Home for the Ugly, and it's up to Dodger (with the help of some bikers) to save them from being thrown into a trash compactor.

    This movie is just plain surreal. Check out this scene, in which Windy Winston drives an ATV through a bar window and single handedly takes on a gang of bikers to save Ali Gator. There's also a song and dance number that's unspeakably awful.

    My cousin and I have watched this wretched movie so many times we pretty much know every scene by heart. I still watch it now and then. To be honest, we were quite proud of owning a genuine VHS copy of this film, which was long prized by bad movie enthusiasts. The movie was released on DVD a few years ago though, rendering it meaningless.
  12. Merlin_Ambrosius69 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 4, 2008
    star 5
    Bring 'em on, Rogue! And thanks for calling Angus Scrimm by his real name, Rory Calhoun! Rory is an amazing fellow, really literate and well-spoken and kind, not at all like his various film incarnations. He's also about a foot shorter than he looks in the PHANTASM films. ;)
  13. Merlin_Ambrosius69 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 4, 2008
    star 5
    Gads, this really is one of the worst films of the 90s. A cinematic version of Chretien's Knight of the Cart could have been stupendous, but instead it was stupefying. King Arthur appears to have approximately 14 soldiers in his "army" defending "Camelot", and Lancelot, rather than a fairy prince with a haunting past is a cynical showman with a heart of lead. [face_sick]
  14. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    I'll second that, re: Rogue's reviews...
  15. Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 8
    Okay, here's part one of a review I did of a truly awful movie:

    The Bible: In the Beginning or Jonesin? for a Lightning Bolt

    Of all the great books ever written, perhaps none has had the long reaching impact of the Bible. Cornerstone of (or at least jumping off point for) not one, but three of the largest faiths in the world (Christianity, Judaism and Islam) and more smaller offshoots, it?s been a pillar of literature and one of the first great books recommended by most scholars. Plus, it?s inspired a lot of movies.

    Sometimes, the movies are great . . . Ben Hur, for example. Sometimes, they?re controversial . . . The Passion or the Last Temptation of the Christ, for example. And occasionally, they?re just inept.

    And, you know me, it?s the inept we?re here to talk about.

    Back in the sixties, Dino De Laurentis, movie producer whose name would become synonymous with some of the largest flops of all time, bit off more than he could chew. In all fairness, it?s probably more than anyone could chew because Dino decided to adapt the Bible to film. The whole Bible. Every bit of it.

    He intended to make a whole massive series of films, covering the Bible from Genesis to Maps (Har!). As it happened, he got one done, hilariously titled The Bible with a handy subtitle ?In the Beginning.? It covers the first twenty-two chapters of Genesis and not well. Little wonder he never got the rest done.

    Religious content in a film is often used as a barrier of sorts, a sort of guard against attacks. Sort of like the Holocaust. Put it in your movie and everyone is afraid to attack ANYTHING about the movie. Doesn?t work with me though, perhaps because I?m a Christian myself. If you?re going to make a religious movie, you have the same responsibility as anyone else making a movie: do it right.

    That?s exactly what De Laurentis doesn?t do . . . so, here we are.

    We open with the voice of our director, John Huston (!) reading from the opening verses of Genesis, while smoke billows, a spotlight shines at the camera, the rivers run, etc, in the order that God created them. This goes on a bit long and, matter of fact, rips off Fantasia?s creation sequence, with lava shooting up when God creates the rivers (?).

    About the time, we got to the creation of the firmament (complete with a thirty second shot of a cloud bank . . . seriously!), I turned to my fellow viewer and remarked (in the vein of Max Weinberg in that ?I?m a Jew? schtick he used to do on Conan), ?I?m a Christian . . . and I?m bored.?

    Finally, they get to the creation of Adam, nude but conveniently shot so as to avoid offending the Sunday School classes dragged to the film. Again, way too much time spent as dust billows across the screen, finally revealing Adam?s form. He sits up. Narration informs us that he names the animals and we spend a full minute or more watching a series of shots that progresses as follows:

    Adam staring at camera (cut) Lion staring at camera (cut) Adam staring at camera (cut) Bear walking past camera (cut) Adam staring at camera (cut) Frog looking at camera . . .

    Ad nauseum.

    Next we get Adam looking longingly at his reflection in the pool. This is either supposed to underline his loneliness or fuse the myth of Narcissus with the Biblical tradition. Whatever. It doesn't do either very well.

    Adam goes to sleep and God brings Eve to Adam. Huston skips the whole rib thing, leading the viewer to believe that God just had Eve held back for some reason and decided to bring her out late. Adam awakes and sees Eve, mysteriously back lit. A choir of angels sings and (I promise you) a whole flock of doves arise from the bare ground in front of her and take to flight. Geez, not a stereotype unturned. And, by the way, that?s not in the Bible. At least the doves don't look at the camera.

    So, the dynamic duo frolic (a bit sedately) through the Garden for a few minutes of screen time. Seriously, this is indescribable. Everything takes twice a
  16. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    More. Especially comments like: "Auteur theory, indeed!"

    [face_laugh]
  17. Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 8
    I strive for something like wit, at least. :p I'll post part two (of probably three) tomorrow. I have about ten reviews like this, I think.
  18. Darth-Lando Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Aug 12, 2002
    star 6
    I TOTALLY remember watching The Bible movie as a kid. I also totally remember being bored out of my mind. Excellent review.
  19. Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 8
    The Bible: In the Beginning, Part 2

    Then, hilariously, Huston?s narration turns to an extremely pompous attempt to mimic the Bible?s style in order to depict the downward spiral of the earth?s inhabitants. So, God decides He?s going to flood the earth. Luckily, there?s one man who has found grace in God?s sight: Noah.

    Interestingly enough, Huston, giving us the voice of God, also plays Noah . . . so that the conversation when God tells Noah to build an ark is all done in the same voice, giving us the impression that Noah is simply schizophrenic or something. It?s also worth noting that when God calls Noah, Noah initially goes and hides behind a door (!).

    So, Noah and his three sons all begin work on the ark, following God?s instructions. Of course, a crowd shows up to make fun of Noah and laugh hysterically (a good indicator of a bad movie: people laughing hysterically at things that aren?t funny), despite the fact that a boat framework does not strike me as that hilarious. ?Surely, this one is mad,? a woman shouts as the camera does a zoom in to her cleavage (!). Yeah, glad I brought the Sunday School class . . .

    There?s a scene where Noah has dinner with his family (prefaced by, not a prayer, but a moment of silence!) and his wife wants one of her sons to fix the roof of their house, so the rain won?t come in. Hilarity!

    Following this, Noah accidentally glues his son?s head to the ark with pitch. I never realized the Bible was so funny! Har! Truly, it even has something for the fan of the Three Stooges.

    Eventually, the ark is complete and the animals start showing up. In a hilarious speech, Noah informs his family that God has chosen each of the animals individually, thus representing the pinnacle of each species. The animals, far from being kept quiescent by the spirit of God, the usual take by scholars, are all pacifists and will do each other no harm because they are ?good hearted.? Shee, criminy, no wonder Chaplin turned this role down. . .

    So, the day comes and Noah and his crew go into the ark. In a slight departure from the Biblical account, Noah and his sons close the door themselves. But the awesome Power of God (!) is still on display via a bar that slides across the door, from the outside. Um, yeah, then how do they get out later? It makes more sense for God to shut the door and Noah and company to bar it from the inside . . . Also the mobs of people who attempt to enter the ark . . . they don?t remove the bar either. It?s akin to having a deadbolt that turns from the outside of your house . . . what?s the point?

    So, the ark floats around and while ?comical? music plays, Noah and his family kill, literally, about ten minutes of screen time feeding the animals. This is truly interminable and makes one feel as if one had been floating around for forty days. Apparently, having laid out the moolah for a polar bear, Huston was damn well going to use it. A lot.

    There?s a nice moment when, after living with rain for forty days and forty nights, it?s the sudden silence that wakes Noah from a deep sleep. The same thing supposedly happened around Niagara Falls that time it froze solid in the middle of the night. Noah sends out the birds, the ark comes to rest on top of a mountain and all the animals leave.

    Next we fast forward through the genealogy, represented by a bunch of guys standing in a pyramid. (Seriously!) No, no one here?s ever seen Metropolis! Why do you ask!? Yes, it seems that Nimrod, a mighty king has been born. He?s played by Stephen Boyd, most famous for his villainous turn in a much better Biblical movie, Ben Hur.

    Yet again, the movie plays with the Biblical account, having Nimrod be the inspiration for the tower of Babel. Nimrod, by the way, also wears a tremendous amount of eyeshadow, yet another liberty taken with the source material, which specifically states that it was blush that Nimrod went in for. Nimrod shoots an arrow at God, though, given that he shot it straight up, I was hoping f
  20. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    I think we should change the name of this thread from "Wonderfully Bad Movies" to "Wonderfully Funny Reviews of Wonderfully Bad Movies", Nimrod's make-up had me ROFLMAO.

    Can't wait for Part 3...
  21. JediKnightOB1 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 26, 2003
    star 5
    Hudson Hawk, brilliant script... bad everything else...

    I love this movie because of it's cheesieness. It was off the chain.
  22. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    Haven't seen that one...
  23. Mar17swgirl Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Dec 26, 2000
    star 7
    I wholeheartedly agree. [face_laugh] Merlin's review had me in tears and I literally couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard. And the same goes for the hilarious review of The Bible film. :p
  24. Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 8
    It's the logic behind MST3K; humor is the only weapon we have sometimes. :p
  25. Vincent-Kenobi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 4, 2008
    star 3
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