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Wonderfully Bad Movies

Discussion in 'Archive: The Amphitheatre' started by Merlin_Ambrosius69, Apr 11, 2009.

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  1. Rogue1-and-a-half

    Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Nov 2, 2000
    The Bible: In the Beginning, Part III (The Merciful Conclusion)

    Again, we pass through time quickly to the introduction of Abraham (George C. Scott!!). Tragically, for all the talent Scott has, it?s misplaced in a film like this and we never quite feel we?re listening to an ancient, given Scott?s delivery. Abraham?s wife, Sarah, is memorably played by Ava Gardner. Again with the eye shadow!

    Abraham and his nephew Lot leave their traditional home and go into the desert to follow God?s leading. Hilariously, during the introductory scene, the actor playing Lot seems to be constantly casting incongruous glances at Abraham, as if he?s thinking, ?He was better in Anatomy of a Murder . . .?

    Then the movie hits a high point: what is most certainly the worst scene and a scene to make the whole movie stand beside the truly horrible films of all time. Abraham and Sarah have a love scene with dialogue so bizarre and ridiculous as to make the viewer?s head spin. At one point, Abraham says, ?The enemy . . . sheathes his sword in the marketplace . . . time . . . cannot pass the door. . . the strong lock of the door is love . . . and the key is in my hand..? Yeah, great line . . . I?ll have to write that down. ?Lo, here I bring my love beside thee in the tent.? Lo is right.

    There?s trouble between Abraham and Lot, with them both being too rich to stay on the same land, so Abraham offers Lot first choice. He, of course, chooses to go toward Sodom and Gomorah, cities that Abraham states are wicked.

    Shortly after this (in the movie at least . . . it plays with the Biblical chronology), God appears to Abraham and gives him the promise that out of Abraham, He will raise up a great nation. Of course, Sarah is barren, so Abraham wonders how this will be. This just gets really weird as Abraham has some sort of bizarre hallucination, involving the sacrifice and dismemberment of some plastic animals (maybe they were supposed to be real . . . maybe) on a huge rock set that looks like something out of Beetlejuice. This is, admittedly, a cryptic passage, specifically the ?horror of great darkness? that the Scriptures say fell on Abraham, and scholars have trouble with it. But frankly, this just looks stupid.

    So, Abraham returns to his campsite, dazed and Sarah acosts him with her own idea: Abraham should do the deed with Hagar (not the Horrible), Sarah?s maid, according to an old custom that states that such a thing could be done if a wife was barren so that the family name could be carried on. Abraham, still dazed, wonders if this could be how God intends it to happen. Of course, in Scripture, he knew it wasn?t and so did Sarah and they chose to use the, ahem, Hagar Option anyway, so a bit different spin on things here.

    In a classic bit, Hagar, the maid you recall, is then shown sitting on her duff, filing her nails (!) while Sarah works some kind of fabric making device. Sarah asks for fruit and Hagar says, ?Here, for you . . . dried up prunes . . .? So, Sarah wants Hagar kicked out, but Abraham refuses, saying, quite rightly, that the whole thing was Sarah?s idea in the first place.

    Flash forward a bit, Hagar?s son, named Ishmael has been born. Abraham receives bad news. There?s been a battle that involved Sodom and Gomorah and Lot and his family have been taken prisoner. Abraham gets all his people together and goes after the invaders. In all fairness, the video I watched was poor, poor quality and the transfer was hideous. However, I found the battle impossible to follow and poorly shot. Which is a shame. That?s the great thing about the Bible. There?s even a lot of epic battles, sword fights, etc . . . Tragically, this movie even screws that up.

    So, Lot is rescued. Next up is another scene of God talking to Abraham, giving him instructions about circumcision and other things. At this point, God lets Abraham know that he himself will have a son with Sarah to carry on his name, rather than God?s using Ishmael.

    Next up, narration informs us that
  2. The2ndQuest

    The2ndQuest Tri-Mod With a Mouth star 10 Staff Member Manager

    Jan 27, 2000
    Garbage Pal Kids, with it's animatronic effects, is rather creepy at times. It's interesting that they made a movie more or less aimed at kids, based on the cards that were controversial for being accessible to kids.

    Snakes falls into a different category of cheesy humor, the same way some Tarintino movies (or at least, segments of Tarintino movies) do. Making things intentional produces a different effect, is all.
  3. madman007

    madman007 Jedi Master star 4

    Aug 22, 2007
    Cool World

    The R rated version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Bad script. Even worse acting from good actors; Gabriel Byrne and Brad Pitt. What Kim Basinger was doing in this I have no idea. Pitt even gets animated at the end. It's easily my worst I've ever seen.
  4. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 22, 2003
    Both these bits had me laughing out loud. [face_laugh] Good stuff.
  5. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    Actually, I'm hoping this will go on forever...

    They were kohl-happy in those bad old days.

    He was great in "Anatomy of a Murder", actually.

    [face_laugh]Lo is right! I'm going to use that one.

    Ah, he's just jealous.

    It's the same rock set they used in the original "Star Trek"...

    Yeah, but if all she would give Sarah were prunes, I sort of see it.

  6. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    Where are the promised reviews?
  7. Rogue1-and-a-half

    Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Nov 2, 2000
    My bad; I kind of forgot about this thread.

    Johnny Mnemonic, Part 1

    There was a time, long ago, before The Matrix, but after the Matrix hype had started. In that era, there were those, few brave souls who recalled a previous time. They recalled a time before when Keanu Reeves had donned a suit and a trenchcoat and raced around a dystopian future, dived into a world of virtual reality and engaged in ?hacking? whatever that was. They remembered, those cursed souls, Johnny Mnemonic. And at the prospect that Reeves was making another one . . . well, they trembled. I can?t really blame them.

    William Gibson is the acclaimed father of the Cyberpunk genre, inventor of the term cyberspace and cult figure of a cult genre. His original short story, on which this film is based, was long on offbeat humor, horror (when was the last time an ending was at once hilariously funny and disturbing?) and the occasionally ironic social statement. The screenplay he wrote isn?t. Any of those things.

    We open our film with a text crawl. Geez, where do they get their ideas? It seems the year is 2021, corporation rule the world, blah blah, basic dystopian crap. A plague is sweeping the world. It?s called NAS, Nerve Attentuation Syndrome. It?s fatal. It?s epidemic. It?s not in the original story. This isn?t good.

    We then cut to our main character, Johnny (Keanu Reeves!) waking up in bed. There?s a girl in the room with him. She enters, getting dressed and asks him where his home is. ?Home?? Reeves mutters. ?Home.? She glances at him hopefully, as though wishing some pearl of wisdom will fall from his lips. ?I don?t . . . know,? he says. ?Do you believe that?? ?Yes,? she says and leaves. If only I had been as wise . . .

    Now, I?m about as big a fan of Reeves as he?s ever going to get. I think he?s quite serviceable as an action hero, ie. Speed and The Matrix. Beyond that, though, I think he?s actually a decent actor, when he?s given a decent script. Watch The Devil?s Advocate, where Reeves actually holds his own against Pacino. However, I have to admit Reeves asks for a great deal of his ribbing. Witness this. I believe he doesn?t know where his home is. I believe he doesn?t know how to tie his shoes. He looks like a world class idiot. Great acting, Keanu!

    Johnny is obviously a mnemonic courier, something explicated in the opening crawl (yeah, that thing was really long). He?s given up part of his brain, dumped some memory in order to have an implant put in. People upload information into this implant, he carries it wherever they want it to go and he gets paid. Basically, a big storage box.

    Reeves calls Ralfi, his agent or something, and expresses desire to have the implant removed. Ralfi says that the price has gone up. He tells Johnny that if he?ll make one more run, he?ll have enough to cover the operation. Oh, sheesh, that old chestnut . . .

    So Johnny goes to Beijing to get his new job. He goes to the Imperial Hotel for the meet and encounters two twin girls in the lobby in a moment worth mentioning only because it made me wish I was watching The Shining. On the elevator, he checks his storage space: 160 gigabytes. He arrives, quipping that he?s the pizza delivery boy. Apparently, humor doesn?t date well, because this is actually not even funny now, much less twenty years down the road.

    The information he?s supposed to carry exceeds his storage space by quite a bit, but he lies to the people giving him the information, saying he has enough space. Really, shouldn?t the sender be able to check this? Oh, well. They tell him that if they upload more than his space can handle, synaptic seepage could kill him within a few days. He says it?s not a problem, so they upload.

    Meanwhile, down in the lobby, one of our main villains (yes, we will have several and the quality of the movie always moves in inverse proportions to the number of villains. Exception: Batman Returns) is arriving, his crew in tow. His name is Shinji (Dennis Akayama) and he works for the Yakuza. He informs his crew that t
  8. black_saber

    black_saber Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Apr 4, 2002
    Freddy Vs Jason wow what a dumb movie![face_laugh] I don't even have to see it to know that it is dumb!
  9. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    Ralfi sounds like a children's entertainer, yes!
  10. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    Rogue, do I have to get out the cattle prods, or are you going to post the reviews you promised?
  11. Rogue1-and-a-half

    Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Nov 2, 2000
    Johnny Mnemonic, Part 2

    Johnny accosts Ralfi in the men?s room of the bar, telling him that he knows Ralfi sold him out to the Yakuza. One of Ralfi?s bodyguards knocks Johnny out. Out in the bar proper, Jane (lot of Js in this movie, I just noticed . . . Jesus is going to be in it later . . . no, I?m serious) sees Ralfi?s two bodyguards come out and converse. They then leave. For some damn reason, this tips Jane that something?s going on and when next we see her, she?s breaking into the ceiling from the ladies? room (?!)

    She crawls through the ceiling, finally coming to a place where she can see down into the room where Ralfi has taken Johnny. Shinji is there and is preparing to cut Johnny?s head off and stick it in a bucket that one of the bodyguards sets on the floor. No, really. They shove a big red ball in Johnny?s mouth (?) and Shinji gets out a knife. Why he doesn?t use the laser is beyond me.

    Oh, yeah, because if he had the laser out, Jane couldn?t swing down from the ceiling and kick him in the head. She?d lose a leg and then she wouldn?t be sexy, right? Not that Dina Meyer is sexy anyway. So, she swings down, frees Johnny and there?s a big fight. They escape and Shinji is so angered by this that he kills Ralfi (one less villain!).

    Shinji and Ralfi?s bodyguards chase Johnny and Jane. Why exactly haven?t Ralfi?s bodyguards killed Shinji considering that he just diced their meal ticket? Got me. They catch up to Johnny and Jane, but J-Bone has taken them in and Shinji is turned away by a wall of Loteks with crossbows. Which again, given that this guy has a laser in this thumb . . . but whatever.

    Johnny and Jane flee through the sewers. Johnny informs Jane of what it is he does for a living and that he had to dump his entire childhood in order to have the implant. She shines a big ass flashlight in his face and he has a seizure, so we remember that his implant is seeping. Personally, if someone shone a flashlight that freaking big into my eyes from half an inch away, I think I?d scream and fall down too, so the point isn?t as strongly made as it could have been. After he falls down, it?s worth noting, Jane straddles him and shines it into his eyes again (!).

    At this point, the film really goes off the deep end (and that?s saying something). We cut back to Takahashi, watching home movies of his dead daughter, when a blue, ghostly face appears on his screen and begins speaking to him. He takes this in with a brain dead expression of apathy on his face. The face tells him that Shinji is there to get Johnny, yes, but also to kill Takahashi, because his bosses feel that after his daughter?s death, he?s become too soft. His only way out, the face informs him, is to get Johnny first, so he can bargain with his bosses. She then disappears, leaving the home movies to play. Takahashi nods, apparently given to following orders given to him by ghostly blue faces who appear on his home movies.

    Jane and Johnny are still trekking through the sewers with Jane pestering Johnny about his parents. Johnny reverts to his earlier habit of repeating what others say to him, resulting in the following blistering exchange:

    JANE: Don?t you have parents and stuff?


    JANE: Yeah.

    Yeah, and judging from the quality of this film, Satan is involved in that somehow.

    Johnny and Jane break into a computer shop, hacking into the internet in order to discover who Johnny?s contacts were supposed to be. This involves donning a pair of gloves, a visor and playing what appears to be a game of charades. At one point, angered, Johnny raises both hands above his head and appears to be about to go Dracula on the computer. He discovers that his contact was a Doctor Allcombe. Shinji gets a trace on this activity and heads for the shop. The ghostly blue face appears to Johnny, warning him to run. They do so, escaping just before Shinji arrives.

    At this point, the film goes even farther off the deep end! Jeez! Takahashi, yes, has apparently completely take
  12. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    There's MORE?
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