Would Like honest oppinions and ideas on script.

Im currently trying to make my first Starwars FanFilm, im pretty much in the Pre-Vis stage at the moment and almost finished the script. I was hoping for some ideas or opinoions (neg or pos) on my writting. I have never written a script before, couple of short storys here and there for school but nothing more. Let me know what you think, the movie split up into three parts.
Part 1
Part 2

Thanks

 

Oh my god that is long... let me get back to you in a week!

 

Yea I have no sense of time when I write. This my first effort, im trying to do some storyboards now and recording the script to get the right timing. Maybe im shooting to hight here.

 

Note #1: First big continuity error: "5000 years before ANH" and "Old Republic" don't mix. The "Old Republic" refers to the one that we see in Ep 1-3. However, in Ep II Palpatine says "...which has stood for nearly a millenia" or in other words, it has only been around for 1,000 years.

Just had to point that out before going any further.

 

I got my information from the WotC Dark Side Handbook. It says the republic is over 20,000 yrs old. Im basing my setting off information from that book.

 

But then there seems to be a discontinuity between AOTC and ANH anyway. As discussed, Palpatine says the Republic has stood for a millennia. But in ANH, Obi-Wan is telling Luke that "for over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic...before the Dark Times. Before the Empire."

That suggests to me that either the Republic predated the Jedi Knights, or that the Jedi and the Republic were founded at around the same time.

Or alternatively, that the Jedi existed as a force independent of the Republic before they were accepted as the effective Republic Police.

 

RainHeart, take a look at the Star Wars Encyclopedia. It has a lot of information on the time period this takes place in, the Great Hyperspace War.
Also take a look at the actual Sith listing as well. You'll find out that it is a race of people and the first recorded rulers were Dark Jedi. Thus the term Dark Lord of the Sith was born. The fan film Duality even takes place, or seems to, on the Sith homeworld.
No, everything seems to chronologically match up. Though the "wraith amulet" doesn't seem dark enough. There is the Sith Amulet, I think, that's listed in the Encyclodia. You'll have to look it up.

 

Uh, VoijaRisa, the Republic has been around for millenia, where do you get that it has only been around for 1000 years? Also, Holocron1, your script is no longer available on the site.

 

Isn't a millenia 1,000 years?? Wasn't 2000 was the "new" millenium... ?

 

If I'm not mistaken 'millennia' is plural of 'millennium'. Palpatine does say the Republic has stood for 1000 years in AOTC. I picked this up when I first saw it, and can only assume in order for it to marry up with ANH and the EU, Palpatine may mean the Republic has stood in it's current form for 1000 years, or it's been 1000 years since any major upheavals.

 

well, leaving aside the issue of what information is considered canon (movies overrule EU and all that) for a moment. This bit of information comes from the website for the Knights Of The Old Republic game

Long before the Galactic Civil War, an epic drama begins.
Engage in this saga set in the Golden Age of the Republic - over 4,000 years before the first Star Wars film, when both Jedi and Sith number in the thousands. With the Galaxy reeling from a recent conflict with the Dark Lords, the ongoing battle between the Jedi and the Sith rages on. Your actions determine the outcome of this colossal galactic war - and your destiny as a Jedi.

The key bits here are: Golden Age of the Republic and over 4,000 years before the first Star Wars film.

So, if you aren't too worried about sticking solely with information from canon sources there shouldn't be a problem with continuity.

 

It's like this, guys: the Old Republic has existed for over 25,000 years (if I'm not mistaken). 1000 years before the Prequel Era, there was a final Sith/JEdi war, and the Sith went into hiding, and the Republic went though major restructuring. It was this new incarnation of the Republic that Palps was referring to.

Check this site out.

 

Hey Holocron1,
I finally finished the first part.
Contrustructive critisism: you're looking at a 20 minute first part. Is this what you were aiming for?
I reworked a few of your scenes. Don't panic! You wanted advice. I've gone through a script writing classes and I have a stack [ ] this thick of plot and screenplay writing.
I put the whole thing into screenplay format for you. You were close, but not quite. Great effort though!
I'm entitling this work an Ep 1 clone, because it follows the blue print pretty well. So when I reworked the few scenes, I did it to give it more continuity and to follow that blue print.
I'm not sure if you'd be able to pull it off the writing style. Everyone has that "Lucas Shakespearan" dialog, so I modified a few lines. It was mainly with the military crew and kept the Jedi, Sith and Senators on that language.
Your syntax wasn't too bad. Microsoft 97 isn't 100% out of date on it's spell check. It's grammer . . . eh. I corrected a few syntax errors.
Over all, this is big. Very big. I don't want to kill your dream of this great film, but I would suggest pulling back and shortening it. It would make a great short story, as well.
If you have the resources and have adults that are serious about doing this. Go for it. I mean adults, not teenagers. Teenagers will drop out faster than flies in a bug zapper! They won't have the commitment to stay through filming a 40 minute, 2 part movie.
Filming wise, you are looking at a good year. I say this because, enless you are in a warm climate, you will be filming in the summer. Plus, school's out then.
I'll get the second part critiqued and post it on the net. The links to the .rtf file and Final Draft 5 file are below. The .rtf should be formated correctly.

Rich Text Format
Final Draft 5 Format

 

Hi again,
I just finished the second part. I like it. It's pretty decent. There were basically the same problems with the last one. (Continuity, syntax, style)
I gave a little more description to the flight from the planet. I gave it a little more tension. Your version was decent, but people like to see conflict. I did it similar to the flight from the Second Death Star.
I also added a little more to Quin Del's escape. A little more dialog with the Doctor, mainly for continuity w/ being in a hospital. Then a little more to her battle on the platform. I kept the basic idea, but fleshed it out a little more.
I liked the ending. I also fleshed that out a bit more so you can really get the feeling for it.
I added a burst transmition which each ship emits when it exits hyperspace. I don't know if you'll like that. I thought it would help overwhelm the audience. Visually it sounds like a big fleet, but what does the audience hear. Dramatic music? It can be powerful if done right, but sometimes you need a little extra. I was kind of going for a Borg invasion kind of feel. Feeling helpless.
Personally I think you should end it there. You gave the hint of Nagga Sadow being involved. For those of us who know of him and what he did, this could be a good ending. Go for a third if you want.
Again, you'll be running about 23 minutes on this one. Below are the link.

Rich Text Format
Final Draft 5 Format