(WT#2) Let's Make Fun Of The EU! (Day 5)

FASHION SHOW OF THE SURROGATE STAR WARS GALAXY!

Yes, you heard it right. The event actually happened in a Galaxy far, further away. A Galaxy that was devoid of many famous faces, but had plenty annoying surrogate knock-off characters to replace them with. Let's examine four good guys, four bad guys and then call it a day. I'm not a big EU fan, you see.

1. DASH RENDAR

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2dash-f.jpg]

In sharp contrast to Han Solo, Dash Rendar was a smuggler, pilot and mercenary that flew his own cool unbeatable ship. The Outrider, as it was called, was one of the fastest vessels in the Galaxy, and deadly at that. Here we see Dash showing his gargantuan weaponry, powerful armour, and hilarious Beatle wig.

2. RORWORR

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJinvtheedrorworr3.JPG]

Not Dash's companion, but close. Rorworr, a huge walking carpet so to speak, is a friendly Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk that loves adventures. He is a brave creature and a good fighter, that carries his bowcaster with him everywhere he goes. Here we see him wearing his Chewbacca ROTJ style haircut -- the same Chewbacca he borrowed his bandolier from.

3. K-3PO

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJk3po1.jpg]

K-3PO, a protocol droid, is a friendly fella that, by sheer coincidence, looks exactly the same as a 9-year-old Tatooine inhabitant's garage experiment. K-3PO was responsible for co-ordinating the evacuation of Hoth, a great and complex Rebel operation only a translator droid could pull off. In the picture you can see him with his "Stentronic Sensor Pack" -- and judging by the look on his face, he doesn't know what the thing is for either.

4. R2-Q5

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJr2q5.jpg]

A nifty and smart astromech, R2-Q5 can show holograms like no other astromech can. He is specialized in maintaining weapons and security systems. And starship diagnostics and repairs. Well, a smart droid, like I said. In the picture, we see him looking at a giant lollipop in the form of the Death Star. Also, he likes adventures.

5. CLONED EMPEROR

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2euemperor-f.jpg]

In the surrogate Universe, the biggest threat to world order is a cloned Emperor Palpatine. Like second-rate versions go, this over-the-top Palpatine has a lightsabre, big flashy eyes of evil and a costume temporarily borrowed from Elvira.

6. IMPERIAL SENTINEL

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2eusentinel-f.jpg]

Because every Palpatine must have cool, silent guards, the cloned emperor, not wanting to be inferior, has hired imperial sentinels. They perfectly match the required characteristics: they are red, masked, dressed in long robes and carry big axes. Oh, and they're supposedly very dangerous.

7. GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2euthrawn-b.jpg]

A tactical and military genius, the Imperial 'grand' admiral Thrawn would have been played by an English horror actor had he appeared in the original films. Always planning and plotting, Thrawn listens to no one and won't rest until his evil plans have succeeded. Needless to say, he dies.

8. PRINCE XIZOR

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2xizor-f.jpg]

At a time when fat crime lords are no longer cool, you can always count on Prince Xizor. The Prince, head of a Galaxy-wide crime organization, claims his lack of emotion is due to the fact his ancestry has evolved from reptiles -- you know, big fat slimey slugs and the like. He always has lots of evil plans that involve smugglers.

Not to mention Dark Troopers.

See ya!

 

x 1138

oh Casper you're too much!

 

TALES OF THE EU AND BEYOND

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJtessekfrsm.jpg]

Ah, accountant Tessek. What? Yes, an accountant. Once a senator for the Republic (but not to be confused with Tikkes from The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones), he fled his home planet Mon Calamari when it was invaded by the Empire (seems like the Empire actually occupied a planet -- must be the only one besides Coruscant then) and became Jabba's accountant. Of course, evil = unreliable, so most of the money went into his own pockets. According to the EU, Jabba knew about it but was patiently waiting until the time was right for revenge.

You've got to admit the Hutt wasn't so bad actually. He had lots of patience. Solo dumped his precious cargo and refused to pay, but Jabba didn't get angry until much later. He was OK, was Jabba. All losers, no-goods and outcasts were welcome in his palace. You could step on his tail without him losing his temper, you could mess with him, kill his bounty hunters, and he wouldn't get upset. He organized podraces for the people. He let his accountant steal his money. Jabba indeed was a wonderful human being.

Oh yeah, nearly forgot about him: Tessek. Actually known as "Squid Head" in 1983, but the name was changed into "Tessek" for some 1990 roleplaying game supplement.

Well, what did he do? He escaped on a speeder bike "just as the sail barge burst into flames" to collect Jabba's money at the palace and run. But it was not to be: he was captured by B'omarr monks -- you know, the big spiders that can be seen when Threepio enters the palace -- and forced to join their religion: they removed his brain and placed it in a nutrient jar. Good morning.

[image=http://www.starwars.com/databank/character/tessek/img/eu_bg.jpg]

"Well, I'm clueless. Did I really do all that? I just can't remember."

It's funny, actually, when you take a look at the people that survived the sail barge explosion. First of all, there's Bossk. You know Bossk. Then there's the entire Max Rebo Band, and the dancers. Boba Fett, of course, survived the Sarlacc. Ephant Mon and Prune Face did too. And, thankfully, so did my favourite Hermi Odle:

[image=http://www.starwars.com/databank/character/hermiodle/img/eu_sm.jpg]

"The Baragwin did escape the combat zone, eventually making it back to Mos Eisley. There he stole a starcraft of Jabba's, and left the desert planet. His current whereabouts are unknown." Then there's Toilet Paper Head, otherwise known as Dengar (he was there, too, you know). And Yak Face. And Umpass-Stay. And Bib Fortuna, who "escaped the destruction of the sail barge in a small private skiff." Ironically, Fortuna later on was captured by B'omarr monks, who (all together now forced him to join their religion and removed his brain.

Oh, and there his story didn't end. The Brain Formerly Known As Bib survived even that. Jabba's palace was occupied by some twi'lek called Firith Olan, and "despite being just a brain in an ambulatory jar, Fortuna was able to defeat Olan." And with that image, I leave you.

See ya!

 

TALES OF THE EU AND BEYOND

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2garindan-f.jpg]

You know who that is. If not: get out of here. It's Garindan, and Garindan, you'll remember, is the thing that reported Obi-Wan and Luke to the Storm Troopers. Also, Garindan is possibly the worst make-up job in the history of cinema: a plastic trunk, a pair of goggles and a cape is all that he is.

Or is he a she? According to the credits, Garindan is "played" by one Sadie Eddon, and a quick search tells us that he indeed is a she, and that the most significant thing she has done in her career besides voicing Garindan (who was named "Long Snoot" back then, a name as far-fetched as Oppo Rancisis), is doing the stunts for Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

That film, of course, had Brian Blessed, who voiced Boss Nass in The Phantom Menace. And there this little game ends.

[image=http://www.starwars.com/databank/character/wuher/img/eu_bg.jpg]

There we have it, the ugliest face that ever a mortal has seen. It belongs to "Wuher", whom all sane people know better as "Bartender from ANH".

[image=http://www.starwars.com/collecting/news/2000/02/img/wuher_bg.jpg]

Though his backstory starts with "Wuher has lived on Tatooine all his life", his homeworld, according to his fact file on the same site, is unknown. Which is mildly amusing. But anyway, Wuher appears to be a bit of a mixing drinks genius, and all his life he tried to create the exact right drink for Jabba the Hutt. Boy oh boy. If that's your goal in life, your ugly face isn't the only problem you have. Imagine this droid-hating dogface in his lab, sweating and experimenting, hoping to find some magic mix that will please Jabba the Hutt. When does he know he's got the right one? Has he got the same tastebuds as Jabba (not unlikely), or does he personally bring each and every drink to Jabba to see whether he likes it or not?

BIB FORTUNA: "We have a visitor, mighty Jabba."
JABBA: *burps*
BIB FORTUNA: "It's Wuher, that bartender, with another crazy drink."
JABBA: "Oh frick it. I'll just pretend I like it this time so he won't come back."

And that's exactly what happened. You see, with the help of a "multipurpose droid" called C2-R4, he found the right mix. It contained a secret ingredient, but one so incredibly stupid, so utterly bonkers, I have to share it with you: it's "pungent essence of Rodian salvaged from Greedo's blaster-holed corpse". And again: "Pungent essence of Rodian salvaged from Greedo's blaster-holed corpse." So that's it: because Han killed Greedo (he shot first, you know, so it's OK -- don't worry, Han's still a clean hero), because Han killed Greedo, this maniac, this necrophilian droidophobe, got his big break and managed to please Jabba.

JABBA: "I've got to hand it to you, this is great. What's the secret ingredient?"
BERSERK BARTENDER: "Wuhahahahaha--er! It's one of your former minions! No wonder you like it! Tastes great, eh? Better than that severed walrus arm drink I gave ya yesterday, I bet!"

And just as a warning: if you ever plan to defend the EU as being canon, these are the sort of stories you should keep in mind. Do you want this to be true? Do you want this to be as true and canon as Darth Vader being Luke's father? It's up to you.

See ya!

 

1. ELLORRS MADAK.

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJduro1sm.jpg]

Formerly known as That Blue Cantina Alien, Ellorrs Madak is, according to the title card, a "natural wanderer who is at home wherever his travels take him". What's worse, is that he is "a freelance flight instructor and an occassional smuggler" -- a smuggler! Was everyone in the Mos Eisley cantina a smuggler? It must have been Smugglers' Night when Luke and Ben arrived -- Smugglers' Night! Free Nuru Acid For All Smugglers! Tonight only!

LUKE: "Look, it's Smugglers' Night. This must be our lucky day."
BEN: "Luke, why are you talking to yourself?"

I'm starting to believe that every damn creature on two legs in the Star Wars Galaxy is either a bounty hunter or a smuggler. I mean, come on. The Golden Rule of the EU seems to be: When a character is unidentified, it's either a bounty hunter or a smuggler.

Here, just to give you an idea: Dash Rendar (smuggler), Talon Karrde (smuggler), Nien Nunb (smuggler: "He was a capable trader and pilot, with his ship the Sublight Queen being renowned in smuggler circles" -- what a classic), Lando Calrissian (smuggler), Han Solo (smuggler), Mara Jade (smuggler), Iaco Stark (smuggler), Ponda Baba (smuggler: "A pirate and smuggler, Baba was an obnoxious miscreant with a penchant for fisticuffs."), Bib Fortuna (smuggler: "Fortuna started off in the world of organized crime as a spice smuggler."), Jaxxon (smuggler: he's the green rabbit I mentioned in another entry), BoShek (smuggler), Doctor Evazan (smuggler), and so on, and so on. The Empire must have been pretty inefficient if it allowed all these smugglers to walk around freely. (Not to mention the fact that someone who's got the death sentence in twelve systems could easily visit a well-known café -- and twelve systems! How the hell does someone manage to get the death sentence in twelve systems anyway?)

And (Jango Fett) don't (Bossk) get (Zuckuss) me (Zam Wesell) started (IG-88) about (Dengar) the (Aurra Sing) bounty (Greedo) hunters (4-LOM). OK? (Zutton aka Snaggletooth)

...And when Smugglers' Night had ended, and the last customer had left, the cantina boss discovered to his horror that all lighters, beermats, candles, ashtrays and glasses had been smuggled out of the place.

2. LAK SIVRAK

[image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2laksivrak-f_small.jpg]

"Hi, I'm Lak Sivrak. You probably recognize me.


...Oh, you don't? Eh, you know, I'm that Shistavanen Wolfman. A hunter. And Imperial world scout. I'm the guy that met the mysterious Rebel Florn Iampry- wait, let me try again: Rebel Fjice-- no, Rebel Florn Iamproid Dice Ibegon. Tada! It's me!


...Nothing? Oh. OK. I fought in the battle of Hoth. Huh? You didn't see me? Hm. Yeah, well... I was in it. Honestly. No, I didn't carry all these weapons with me then.


I was in the Cantina in ANH. You know, the wolf guy talking to the big worm? Oh, come on. Watch it again, then. The 0.3 second wolf guy. That's me. Hm-hm. I oft-- What? Oh sorry. I understand. I guess I am wasting your time...sorry....thanks for listening to me...really appreciate it...I'll go now, OK?.....goodbye...."