Your daily smile, humorous observation, anecdote, what have you, v2.0

A fish is an underwater creature that grows fastest between the time that it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.

 

A late Friday groaner:

An elderly woman opened her refrigerator one day to find a little bunny rabbit sitting inside.
"What do you think you're doing in my refrigerator?" she demanded.
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" replied the rabbit.
"Yeah -- so what?"
"I'm just westing."

 

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT OF ARIZONA

CIVIL ACTION NO. B19294

________________________________
WILE E. COYOTE
Plaintiff

v.

ACME COMPANY
Defendant
________________________________

OPENING STATEMENT OF ARTHUR B. FUDDLE, ESQUIRE,
COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT

By Mr. Fuddle:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury: the opening statement you have just heard from Mr. Schoff on behalf of the plaintiff, Wile E. Coyote, paints an incomplete picture of what occurred on the occasions when Mr. Coyote claims he was injured by ACME products.

The evidence will clearly show that my client, ACME Products Corp., a Division of Dangerously Innovative Products and Patents Incorporated (or "DIPPI") is not at fault in this matter, and that any injuries sustained by the plaintiff were clearly caused by his own negligence, assumption of the risk and/or misuse of the products.

Now, we have all seen the footage on television of the plaintiff withstanding various injuries which appear to be caused by ACME's products. You have seen over and over the tape of a hapless coyote being bludgeoned by a boulder as he is helplessly trapped by his ACME Spring Loaded Shoes. We have all seen the photographs taken at Warner Memorial Hospital of Mr. Coyote in a very small incubator, on life support, as his doctors attempt to straighten out the accordion-like folds from his body. We have all seen the gruesome images of the operation in which Dr. Tazmanian D. Devil whirls like a dervish, obscuring his features and creating a starry, "dust cloud" effect, while numerous limbs holding various surgical instruments swiftly repair the nerve damage to Mr. Coyote's extremities.

It is normal for any human being to feel pity, horror, and even anger at such images. I want you to put those images aside for the moment, because they paint an incomplete picture. What the media has not disclosed to you, and what you will see in this courtroom, are various attempts at murder committed by the plaintiff -- attempts which, fortunately, failed -- while using my client's products. As the plaintiff readily admits, he is a predator, and his sole function in life is to track down and kill an innocent, highway traversing ornithoid.

You see, ladies and gentlemen, while the plaintiff is a natural predator, he is not a very good one. His own skills were inadequate to complete the task at hand, so he chose to seek the aid of various devices to effectuate his diabolical schemes. He looked in a catalogue, saw my client's products, and ordered them in the hope that they would assist him in killing his prey.

But ladies and gentleman, ACME's products are not meant to cause intentional harm to anyone. The plaintiff has taken what were designed as amusements, toys for the young and feebleminded, and has twisted their use to his own purposes.

But I digress. Let us examine the plaintiff's claims and how the evidence clearly refutes the proposition that ACME is responsible for any harm sustained by the plaintiff.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13 he received an ACME Rocket Sled, that he attempted to use said rocket sled to pursue his prey, and that, upon igniting the sled, it accelerated with "sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet."

There are several reasons why ACME cannot be held responsible for any injuries caused by this incident. First, the warning label attached conspicuously to the inside of the left front tire of the sled clearly stated, and I quote: "WARNING: IGNITION OF THIS DEVICE AT FULL THROTTLE MAY CAUSE SUDDEN AND PRECIPITATE FORCE AS TO STRETCH USER'S FORELIMBS TO A LENGTH OF UP TO SIXTY FEET, OR MAY CAUSE DEATH." That the plaintiff suffered so little as a result of his carelessness can be attributed only to Providence.

Second, Arizona law is clear on this point: a plaintiff who is found to be violating any law whose purpose is safety at the time of his injury is contributorily negligent *per se*. There is ample evidence that Mr. Coyote was violating bo

 

They Said It Could Not Be Done
[courtesy of John Connell]


This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
- Western Union internal memo, 1876

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible.
- A Yale University management professor's response to future Federal Express founder Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
- HM Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.
- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind"

A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this.
- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads (which btw were a serendipidous discovery)

So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'
- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work

You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.
- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus

Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.
- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- Charles H. Duel

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873

640K ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I

 

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
[courtesy of Jim Li]


* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

* Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

* Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

* Farmer Bill Dies in House

* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

* Stud Tires Out

* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

* Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

* Eye Drops off Shelf

* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

* Miners Refuse to Work after Death

* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

* Stolen Painting Found by Tree

* Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

* Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

* War Dims Hope for Peace

* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

* Deer Kill 17,000

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

* Air Head Fired

* Steals Clock, Faces Time

* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

* Include your Children when Baking Cookies

 

This came from an article of funny things kids write on tests or something like that.

"When planets go round and round they call it orbit. When people go round and round they call them crazy."

 

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

 

A troubled American communist wrote to his superiors: "I thought my job as a party recruiter would be easy. But I can't get through to my neighbours. In the spring they are polishing their cars. They are vacationing all over the world during summer. In the fall they are rooting for a World Series winner, and you can't get them away from their VCRs during winter. Please tell me what I can do to make them aware of how really oppressed they are."

 

Do not be too hard on our politicians. Many of them are doing the work of two men -- Laurel and Hardy.

 

The new six-foot six-inch American consul in Porto Alegre, Brazil was delighted with the friendliness of the Brazilians, always finding himself surrounded by an animated group during the endless obligatory receptions and cocktail parties.

He was somewhat less delighted to finally discover the key to his popularity. Apparently, at the beginning of these large gatherings, spouses would say to one another, "When it is time to go, I will meet you next to the American consul."

 

A guy is walking along a beach when he finds an old brass lamp. Upon rubbing some of the corrosion off it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, ``You have freed me from the lamp. I will grant you one wish.'' The guy thinks for a while and says, ``You know I've always wanted to go to Hawaii to see the famous hula girls, but I'm afraid to fly. Build me a bridge from here to Hawaii.''

The genie thinks for a second and says, ``Forget it! Do you realize what a feat of engineering that would require? Just think about the height of the pilings that would be needed to support it. No. Too hard. Think up another wish.''
The guy rubs his chin for a while, and finally says, ``Well, I'd really like to understand women: how they think, what they feel, what logic processes go on in their heads, what they think of us men.''
The genie thinks a little bit and then replies, ``Will that be 4 lanes or 6?''

 

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude, saying, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, then adds: "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I would just like to make a little change ..."

 

i read one of the greatest headlines ever the other day, its context is that my countrie's currency, the NZ $ has sorta gone into a nose dive,a long with the aussie$ and the euro, anyway the first day after the collapse the local paper led with this "

Currency Collapse Germans Fault

on further reading it was said that actually a german household consumer spending survey had triggered instability in the euro region....


well it amused me

 

Why didn't you guys tell me you were here?! This is great!
And hmmm.... looks like I'm going to have to find something better than my collection of knock-knock jokes..... Ü

 

There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
- Jeremy S. Anderson

 

When the delegate returned to her hotel in Scotland after a dinner for visiting Members of Parliament from London had ended, she asked her friend, the town clerk, how the evening had gone. He said the town's officials had been impressed with the scope of knowledge exhibited by all the visitors, and with one person in particular, on whom questions had gradually focused. Not recognising this oracle, the town clerk had introduced himself, saying, "You seem extraordinarily well informed, sir. What constituency do you represent?"

Replied the oracle: "Oh, I am not one of the MPs. I am the bus driver who brought them."

 

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

For those who are finalising papers/theses/grant proposals out there, or are nearing thesis defenses ...


The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government..." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemised budget, and manpower utilisation matrix.


We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

 

nicely done

 

LoL, Kida, I'm implementing those guidelines for my declaration of independence.

 

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
* "Hmmm... well there is an interesting question, yes?"
* "Define 'light bulb'..."
* "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
* Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.

How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it is not dark; the other stands at the other end and says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis which does the job.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.

How many Kuhnian constructionist philosophers of science does it take to change a light bulb?
* You are still thinking in terms of 'incremental change'. What we really need is paradigm shift ... we don't need a bulb with more attributes added on, we need ubiquitous luminescence.

 

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00, feeling that this would appear to be quite a bit of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down immediately to write a thank you letter to God:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I wish you had not sent it through Washington though. Those bastards deducted $95.00.

 

Tactics of Social Discourse


I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:


1. Drink Liquor

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you will hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you will discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy. You will be a wealth of information. You will argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.


2. Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that you are underpaid, and you will be damned if you are going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don't say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level."

Note: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make that up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorise this list:
* Let me put it this way
* In terms of
* Vis-a-vis
* Per se
* As it were
* Qua
* So to speak
* Well, any-who

You should also memorise some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."


How to use these words and phrases:

Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you will win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.


3. Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

* You are begging the question.
* You are being defensive. (This one sounds much like most of the Basher-Gusher debates)
* Don't compare apples and oranges. (ditto)
* What are your parameters? (ditto)

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

How to use your comebacks:

You say "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says "But Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You are begging the question."

or

You say "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponent says "But Liberia is in Africa."
You say "You are being defensive."


4. Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."


You now know how to out-argue anybody.

Warning: Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

 

GM vs MICROSOFT
- this expands on an earlier version - SK


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry, stating, "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General
Motors issued the following press release (reputedly by Mr Welch himself):


If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road map (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

A software engineer dies and stands before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets the engineer and tells him because his soul is weighted evenly between good and evil, he may choose himself between Heaven and Hell. "You may spend some time in each place," St. Peter tells him, "but the decision you make will bind you for all eternity!"

So the engineer goes to Heaven and he sees the streets of gold and angels resting on cotton-puff clouds whiling away eternity playing their harps. Next, when the engineer goes to the gates of Hell, he was rather surprised to find ... no lakes of fire or horrid demons -- but a huge party, with plenty of wine, women, and song, and everyone having a great time.

So the engineer goes back to St. Peter and tells him he has made his decision: he wants to go to Hell.

POOF!! He stands before the Gate of Hell, fiery lakes burning around him, souls screaming in agony as demons tormented them. When the Devil greeted him as he entered, the engineer, not unsurprisingly, wants to know what had happened to the party that had been going on when he had visited before.

Says the Devil: "Oh, that was the demo."