Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

Ol'val.

JediMaster22: if you are referring to what I think you are referring to, it is a gift.


A managed care company president was recently given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Unable to attend, he gave the ticket to one of his efficiency reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed the concert, and was handed the following memorandum:
<OL TYPE=1>
<LI> For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inefficiency.

<LI> Much more effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

<LI> All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This appears to be unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

<LI> No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from 2 hours to 20 minutes.</OL>

In light of the above, one can only conclude that, had Schubert given appropriate attention to these important matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now.

 

A department store salesman, tired of his job, gave it up and joined the police force. Several months later a friend asked him how he liked being a policeman. "Well," he replied, "the pay and the hours are good, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

 

COLLEGE DICTIONARY
(with thanks to Marissa Lorain Bracke)

ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record.
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you have mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."
ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really involves.
BIOLOGY: (n) A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.
BOOK: (n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay wake long enough to read the night before finals.
BOOKBAG: (n) A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally) books.
CAFETERIA: (n) from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat") and "teria" ("to wretch").
CAFFEINE: (n) One of the four basic food groups.
CALL: (v) What you cannot do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart.
COACH: (n) A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette.
CUM LAUDE: (v) How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude."
D-MINUS: (n) A pretty good grade.
DORM: (n) Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.
DORMROOM: (n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.
EDUCATION BUDGET: (n) Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.
EGGHEAD: 1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A's. 2) (n) That same student once you have dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.
EXTRA CREDIT: (n) What you wish you had on your credit card.
F: (n) A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test paper.
JUNIOR VARSITY: (n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.
KAPPA: (n) What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their heads.
KITCHENETTE: (n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.
KLUTZ: (n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you are holding.
LAB: (n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.
LETTERMEN: (n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.
LIBERAL ARTS: (n) See: "Would you like fries with that?"
LOUNGE: (n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that is not soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.
MAJOR: (n) Area of study that no longer interests you.
MIDNIGHT OIL: (n) What you make popcorn in.
MISERY: (n) The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike."
NICKNAME: (n) Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity, e.g. "Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester."
NO: (n) The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.
NUDE MODELS: (n) The reason for your sudden interest in art.
OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n) Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county.
OTHELLO: (n) Unless you are an English major, who really cares?
OUT: (n) Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.
PAPER: (n) Your version of Cliff Notes.
POSTER: (n) An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people think you have been to foreign lands and done things you never have.
PRE-LAW: (n) The major of a person who will end up in sales.
VICE SQUAD: (n) A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.
VENDING MACHINE: (n) A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.
VICTOR: (n) Your football team's weekly opponent.
VICTORY: (n) A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders can spell.
WEEKEND: (n) Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you'd signed up for a

 

YESTERDAY: (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due. Jaro: This means you!

How did I get this reputation? I'm really not that bad... After all, I'm starting to work on a 7 page paper that's due on Tuesday (next Tuesday) today. I'm planning ahead!

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

 

Ok, here's a few of the canadites for Idiot of the year award. Read ON:

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic
reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine
compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil
change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that
the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
=========
Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine
robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they
spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post
his $400 bail in coins.
==========
Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a
Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which
was not plugged in.
==========
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a
gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
===========
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly
knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each,
and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers
easily jumped him from behind.
=========
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of
robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it *because he
was busy breaking into a school at the same time.* Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
==========
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said
the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket
could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be
wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
=========
Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in
March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed
that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen."
=========
Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he
attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle
bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated
the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.

WHO DO YOU PICK? LOL
LATER

 

Can someone get me a beer, please

 

The Criminal Code of Canada states:

35 Self-defence in case of aggression

35. Every one who has without justification assaulted another but did not commence the assault with intent to cause death or grievous bodily harm, or has without justification provoked an assault on himself by another, may justify the use of force subsequent to the assault if

(a) he uses the Force.

(b) he did not, at any time before the necessity of preserving himself from death or grievous bodily harm arose, endeavour to cause death or grievous bodily harm; and

(c) he declined further conflict and quitted or retreated from it as far as it was feasible to do so before the necessity of preserving himself from death or grievous bodily harm arose.

R.S., c. C-34, s. 35.

[This message has been edited by Defiance (edited 11-21-1999).]

 

Jedi Windu falls off his chair laughing.

 

I
HATE
SAUERKRAUT!

 

If Noah lived in the United States today ...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and Your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.

"Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service will not let me catch any owls ... so, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to my taking only two of each kind on board. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They did not take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people on board.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I am building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional. I really do not think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I do not have to. The government already has."

 

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that makes Him a surgeon first."

"Please," said the engineer. "Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so He was first an engineer."

"Interesting," said the lawyer, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"

 

Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms:
Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm). Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours: - Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks
or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first).

- Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.

- Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans and 5 year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray
sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw Yourself" T-shirt.
- Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow" "I'd love to write it all over again" and "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's. But noooooo, I/Mom and Dad wanted a masters degree, I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd have an excuse to stop working on my degree that's sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)
-Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing.

Deluxe Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add a little water, and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for the whole family!

Other accessories include:

-Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm) Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),and small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm).
-Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous Pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription)
-Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately)

And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!

GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom to Barbie as "I need an update on your progress" "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate yet" and "This is no where near ready for publication." Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have Barbie's Thesis Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.)

REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after getting her bachelor's degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say,

"Sometimes I wish I had gone for my master's degree" and

"Work is so hard! I had to work half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe and Savings account sold separately. WARNING: Do not place
Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.

 

At this rate, perhaps I should have said every 2-3 days -- on average. Oh well.


As the jetliner was taxiing down the tarmac, it abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting for over an hour, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the attendant. "It took us an hour to find another pilot."

 

A small thought for all the Slackers:


Work is the greatest thing in the world; so make sure you save some for tomorrow.

 

Back in five minutes.
Gone out of my mind.

 

The Bible According to KIDS

Actual things written by students, hopefully not over high school level... The best one I have highlighted... Enjoy


In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus
in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The wages of sin is death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's
just sort of a tired feeling.

-Bloop-

 

This one is dedicated to MacTusken ...


The WOSCOTCH trial
A double-blinded study into the effects of single-malt scotch
by Dr. George Burden

The WOSCOTCH, or West of Scotland Scotch Trial, is a prospective double-blinded study designed to determine if and to what extent the regular intake of single-malt scotch whisky affects the incidence and severity of cardiovascular and cerebrovascular disease.

Other trials that have addressed this issue include the HOOTCH, MRSIP, LOOPED, and 4F studies. No previous trial, however, has studied the special properties of single-malt scotch as opposed to other ethanol-containing beverages, and for this reason WOSCOTCH was initiated.

The principal investigators included the renowned cardiologist Dr. Glenn Fiddich, ably assisted by research assistants John Walker Ph.D. and James Beem M.Sc. Several days of intense negotiations resulted in the agreed upon acronym of WOSCOTCH. The rest of the study's parameters were worked out over lunch.

Volunteers for the trial were solicited through advertisement in the Glasgow Times. Approximately 1,373,000 responses were obtained, predominantly male and between the ages of 19 and 103. An attempt was made to recruit whisky-naive subjects but only three were found and it was decided to abandon this particular aspect of the protocol.

A second obstacle was getting subjects to agree to be in the placebo group. A compromise was reached when it was agreed that the placebo would b overproof Demerara rum instead of mineral water.

Test subjects were randomised to several different intake levels of single-malt whisky or placebo, with ranges of 1 to 3 ounces, r to 8 ounces, 9 to 16 ounces, 17 to 26 ounces, and 27 to 52 ounces of distilled spirit daily.

The decision as to which single-malt scotch to use for the study was handled by closeting the principal investigators in a room in an unspecified private club. Over a gruelling 24-hour period, 250 whiskies were sampled by these hard working gentlemen before a decision was made to purchase the Glenlipid distillery for provision of study materials. It was voted unanimously that the decision would be reviewed on a semi-weekly basis in case a whisky more suited to study purposes should make itself manifest.

The trial was to last one year, at which time a comparison of cardiovascular morbidity and mortality would be made between the placebo and study groups. One thousand of the volunteers were enrolled in the active treatment arm and 1,000 in the placebo arm. The medication and placebo were dispensed each evening by trained ethanol technicians at the Dog and Whistle Pub.

The active treatment group received their medication at room temperature and unmixed with any other substance. Those who requested ice were immediately withdrawn from the study in disgrace. Administration was closely monitored by clinical investigators who are to be commended admirably for their selflessness in personally assuring the quality of the active treatment medication, as well as the placebo.

Participants were followed regularly to assess cardiovascular and cerebrovascular health. Several problems were encountered in this component of the trial.

In approximately 57% of the 17 to 26 ounce group, and 83% of the 27 to 52 ounce group, it was impossible to obtain a history from the test subject. In 17% of these cases the cause was the fact that the investigator was incapable of taking a coherent history.

Physical exam was also problematic with frequent diagnosis of ataxia and dysarthia in the higher intake levels of both placebo and treatment groups, as well as in the investigators themselves. This appeared to be a temporary phenomenon, having resolved by the following morning in the vast majority, though many were found to have replaced their symptoms with dehydration and cephalgia at this time.

At least 23 study participants were erroneously declared deceased, only to reappear the following evening for their usual treatment, much to the surprise and annoyance of the study co-ordinator who had declared them dead.

After

 

A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.
A liberal is a conservative who has been jailed.

 

From veteran court reporter Ray Cuthbert:

A Mr. Justice Barlow, one of the grouchiest judges ever to preside in court, once lectured a young witness as follows:

"Now, whenever you answer my question, you don't just say 'Yes' or 'No.' There is a proper form of address in the courts of Ontario. In Magistrates' Court it is 'Yes, Your Worship.' In County Court it is 'Yes, Your Honour.' In this court it is 'Yes, Your Lordship.' Now, what is your answer?"

Answered the bewildered chap, "Yes, my God."

 

And for Hathor:


50 Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart
<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
<LI>Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
<LI>Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
<LI>Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
<LI>Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
<LI>Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. [SW fans should have an advantage here]
<LI>Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
<LI>Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
<LI>When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.
<LI>Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
<LI>Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10".
<LI>Play with the automatic doors.
<LI>Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
<LI>While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
<LI>Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
<LI>Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
<LI>Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
<LI>Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
<LI>As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
<LI>Put M&M's on layaway.
<LI>Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
<LI>Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
<LI>Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
<LI>Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
<LI>Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"
<LI>TP as much of the store as possible.
<LI>Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
<LI>Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
<LI>When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
<LI>When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
<LI>Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
<LI>Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
<LI>Take bets on the battle described above.
<LI>Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
<LI>While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
<LI>Hold indoor shopping cart races.
<LI>Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
<LI>Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
<LI>Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
<LI>Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
<LI>Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
<LI>Two words: "Marco Polo."
<LI>Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
<LI>"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
<LI>In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
<LI>When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
<LI>Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
<LI>When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
<LI>Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
<LI>Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't

 

A radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier and Canadian authorities during an exercise off the coast of Newfoundland.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to avert your course 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

CANADIANS: I am a private third class. I say again, you divert your course.

AMERICANS: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north ... I say again ... that is one-five degrees north ... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!!

CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

These are alledged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

 

Q: What is the origin of the universe?
A: (0,0)


[This message has been edited by Masher 3263827 (edited 12-06-1999).]

 

Sorry about the long post, but believe me, its worth it.


Engineers Explained
-------------------


People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who
have to deal with them. The secret to coping with
technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This
chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their
customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall
learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this
test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction:

*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives
for social interactions:

*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that
will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with
them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems
handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal
people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't
broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it
doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take
a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full
of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise
are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.
This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which
consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the
participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression
of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that
many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal
people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing
engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before
losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid
thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually
irresistible men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that way until abou

 

Star Wars Trilogy Sexually Tilted Lines

Top 10 sexually tilted lines from Star Wars:
1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid.
2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough.
3. Look at the size of that thing!
4. Sorry about the mess...
5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!
6. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper.
7. You've got something jammed in here real good.
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!


Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from the Empire Strikes Back
1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
2. Possible he came through the south entrance.
3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
like
that huh kid.
4. Hurry up, Golden-rod!
5. That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual for a while.
6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, Come...
7. Control, control. You must learn control!
8. There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
9. Size matters not, judge me by my size do you?
10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.

Top 10 sexually tiltes lines from Return of the Jedi
1. Rise, my friend.
2. Open the back door.
3. Hey, point that thing somewhere else.
4. Its just a dead animal.
5. Not bad for a little furball.
6. Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat.
7. How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming.
8. Keep on that one, I'll take these two.
9. I want you to take her. I mean it, take her.
10. I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they made her
Chewie