Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

This capitalizes on the shameless use of Singaporean slang...you can spot a Singaporean a mile off by the exclamations used at the end of a sentance...such as "lah","lor","you know hah?" and "hor".The latter is the joke.

A man and a woman came to a restaurant.The waiter took their order.The man answered."Chicken for me,vegetables for the donkey."The waiter was puzzled but returned shortly after.Afterwards,the man left for the restroom.Seeing this,the waiter took the oppurtunity to ask why the woman was called a donkey.Her reply:"Yah lor,HEE-HAW,really too much one.HEE-HAW,type cannot stand one..."

And then there's the famous language barrier jokes:

An American visited Madrid,in Spain.He went to a restaurant.The waiter didn't speak English,the American knew no Spanish.The American tried to tell the waiter about his order for steak and mushrooms,but the waiter didn't understand.Finally,the exasperated American pulled out a piece of paper and drew a cow and a mushroom.Seeing this,the waiter smiled and nodded,then ran off.Within minutes he returned with an umbrella and a ticket to the bullfight.

Appeared in a Singapore Telecom ad:I remember my days of NS(Singapore military service).We had to queue so long to use the public phone.I waited like two hours just to call my girlfriend.Finally,I got on the phone.Her mother answered.My girlfriend was not at home!!!"

One for the record:

Two crooks hijacked a bus full of Japanese tourists.Unfortunately for them,the police was armed with around 5000 pictures of them.

Here's a good one:

Steven lost his ears in an industrial accident.Later in life,he became a sucessful manager.One day,his company needed more job applicants.Three were shortlisted.

The first one entered.Steven asked for one observation about him.The interviewee replied"You have no ears".Steven got angry and shooed him out.

The second one entered.Steven asked the same question,and got the same answer.The second fellow was kicked out as well.

The third fellow had been warned by the first and second guys about how sensitive Steven was about loss of ears.

Steven asked the question.
"You wear contact lenses."
"Amazing!How did you know?"
"You can't be wearing glasses,because you have no ears!!"

Last one:What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Ans.A bad golfer goes WHACK!DAMN! but a bad skydiver goes DAMN!WHACK!

 

Some bumper sticker wisdom for you...


* Just because I'm wandering, doesn't mean I'm lost.
* Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!
* Forget World Peace - Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
* If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
* We're spending our childrens' inheritance.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
* Born Free... Taxed to Death.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
>* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* No Radio - Already Stolen
* My son is an honor student at the state correctional facility.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver.
* According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20 of ammunition.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy.
>* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Reality? Isthat where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* A man with worms is never alone.
* If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
* Love isn't love until you give it away.
* Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
* Imagination is the foundation of reality.
* When all else fails, lower your standards.
* Don't take my signals literally.
* Life is a terminal disease!
* It's been Monday all week.
* Why be normal?

 

http://www.glasbergen.com/images/g153.gif

<i'm having a kida day - kayla>

[This message has been edited by Kayla' (edited 12-06-1999).]

 

A small boy ran down the street, halting breathlessly in front of a stranger who was walking in the same direction. "Have you lost a dollar?" he asked?

"Yes, yes, I believe I have!" said the stranger, feeling in his pockets. "Have you found one?"

"Oh, no," said the boy. "I just want to find out how many dollars have been lost today. Yours makes fifty-five."

 

Confidence in programmers


At a recent software engineering management course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had
just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how
many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be
quite content to stay onboard.

"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."

 

Something short, something short ...

Talk show host to political expert:
"Campaigns have become so simplistic and superficial. In the 20 seconds we have left, could you explain why?"

 

From the movie "Wild Things":

Det. Ray Duquette:What is a sex crime?
Jimmy Leach:Not getting any.

Top Ten Reasons Why SW will always be cooler than ST:


10. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I."
9. It takes the Enterprise a whole engineering crew of 20 and an Anti-Matter warp core just to go into warp; The Millenium Falcon only needs a Wookie and an R2 unit.
8. Darth Vader could put a choke hold on the whole Borg Empire.
7. Jabba The Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for pushing in on his action.
6. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
5. One word: Lightsabers.
4. Princess Leia still looks beautiful after a meeting with an Interrogation Droid and Darth Vader; Picard looks like crap after Pithy Cardassian torture.
3. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-Quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.
2.The Federation needed it's whole entire fleet to destroy just
one. Borg ship; the Death Star was taken out by a simple farm boy with one shot.
And The #1 Reason Why Star Wars Is Inherently Better Cooler Star Trek...
1.In the Star Wars universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun."


TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO JOIN THE EMPIRE.

10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense.
9. All ships and installations are built around a "main
reactor".
8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedoes and
always lead to the "main reactor".
7. Most TIE Fighters have no shields.
6. The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and
stick wielding teddy bears.
5. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life
expectancy of two weeks.
4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.
3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and
common sense.
2. The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location
of the shield generator.
1. Wedge isn't with them.

 

It seems the blondes have gotten together to pay back us brunettes.

Q: Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.

Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.

Q: What's black and blue and brown, and lying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

 

Top 20 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic

20. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

19. Titanic's big, but does it have hyperdrive?

18. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

17. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

16. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

15. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

14. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?

13. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

12. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

11. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

10. "I'd rather be his wh0re than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

9. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

8. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

7. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

6. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

5. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

4. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

3. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.

2. Two words: John Williams.

And, of course, the number one reason:
1. Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!


[This message has been edited by Réka (edited 12-07-1999).]

 

From the Cape Times:

During yesterday's escape attempt, one murder suspect was shot dead, another seriously wounded, a policement accidentally shot a colleague and another police officer suffered a suspected heart attack. A pedestrian was shot in the leg, a third murder suspect was arrested after he stumbled and fell and a fourth suspect escaped. "It was not a good day," police spokesman Dave Bruce said.

 

From the London Free Press:

A Winnipeg radio contest that had a woman ride a bicycle in the nude on a busy downtown street was in breach of broadcast standards, says an industry regulatory body. In the contest promoted by CJKR-FM last March, an 18 year old woman rode a bike in the nude during rush hour in the centre of Winnipeg for a chance to win $10,000. The stunt breached the Canadian Association of Broadcasters' code of ethics "on the grounds of public disturbance or inconvenience," it ruled yesterday. "It is perfectly obvious to the council that a nude woman -- or, the council assumes, a nude man -- cycling down the principal avenue of one of the nation's largest cities could reasonably be expected to constitute a distraction for drivers," the council ruled.

 

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough(they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks
are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
1 . . .
2 . . .
3 . . .
4 . . .
5 . . . . .

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

All the Answers

The answers contained here will not make you rich. Nor will they assist you in your pursuit of fame, fortune, or happiness. They won't help you get attractive dates, stop you from going bald, show you how to make a million from real estate you don't own, or tell you how to give your seventy-three-year-old skin a youthful glow. These are answers for you to use at your discretion in everyday circumstances. They are about relationships, belief systems, romance (or lack thereof), and ultimately death. These are answers of all pedigrees, short and long, good and bad, polite and rude, covering every subject in the everyday language of everyday people. The only things missing are the questions.
<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>Trust me. I do this all the time.
<LI>I am just not ready to make a commitment
<LI>No.
<LI>NO!
<LI>No, there is nothing wrong with my pancreas. Why do you ask?
<LI>Unleaded.
<LI>If I HAD three pennies, I would have given them to you.
<LI>I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.
<LI>I have a high metabolism.
<LI>Forty-Two, maybe fifty.
<LI>I was absent that day.
<LI>But if I tie it looser, that will defeat the purpose.
<LI>I am not authorized to release that information.
<LI>If the Clorox does not get it, try a mixture of lemon juice and muriatic acid.
<LI>Define love.
<LI>You will break your mother's heart.
<LI>I had it done when I was in boot camp.
<LI>When hell freezes over.
<LI>Because the world would be a lot better off if things were done my way all the time.
<LI>I mailed it yesterday. It should be there by the end of the week.
<LI>I ran out of stamps.
<LI>No, honestly. I cannot taste the freezer burn.
<LI>To make as much money as humanly possible as quickly as possible while expending the least amount of effort.
<LI>You know what, you are right, we should try it your way.
<LI>I love you.
<LI>The heck with it, let's go out.
<LI>If they can do it, so can you.
<LI>Aw c'mon, just try!
<LI>Who cares about the money?
<LI>Maybe in your next lifetime.
<LI>Noise, what noise. Hey, would ya pull my finger..
<LI>It is behind door Number Two.
</OL>

 

The following are real, standing laws from around the United States of America.

Alabama:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.</UL>

California:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.</UL>

Connecticut:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
<LI>You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
</UL>
Florida:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
<LI>A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
<LI>If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
<LI>(Sarasota) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
<LI>Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.</UL> [oh, MacTusken ...?]

Illinois:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
</UL>
Indiana:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
<LI>Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
</UL>
Iowa:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
</UL>
Kentucky:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
<LI>It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
</UL>
Louisana:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
<LI>Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
</UL>
Massachusetts:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
<LI>Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
<LI>An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
</UL>
Nebraska:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
</UL>
New Mexico:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
</UL>
New York:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
</UL>
North Dakota:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Beer & pretzels cannot be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
</UL>
Ohio:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
</UL>
Oklahoma:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
<LI>Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
<LI>Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
</UL>
Pennsylvania:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
<LI>No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
</UL>
Texas:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
<LI>It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
</UL>
Vermont:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.
</UL>
Washington:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>All lollipops are banned.
<LI>A law to reduce crime stat

 

Subject: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION SURVEY

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company made the web department take it down immediately.

********************************************************

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is
not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other First Name:

......................................................

Initial:
Last Name:
.....................................................

Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Third World countries
[_] Classified

Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon


How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money

Your occupation:
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired

To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Sabotage
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

 

The American Consensus
From the NY TIMES MAGAZINE 11/1/98

We, the relatively unbothered and well off, hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Big Government, Big Deficits and Big Tobacco are bad, but that big bathrooms and 4-by-4's are not; that American overseas involvement should be restricted to trade agreements, mutual funds, and the visiting of certain beachfront resorts; that markets can take care of themselves as long as they take care of us; that an individual's sex life is nobody's business, though highly entertaining; and that the only rights that really matter are those which indulge the Self.

And a catch phrase in the article:
The consensus represents an embrace of a kind of one-way libertarianism: the average citizen has no obligation to the country, but the government has a very serious obligation to that citizen.

 

Casual Day Memos


Memo No. 1:

Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.


Memo No. 2:

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.


Memo No. 3:

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.


Memo No. 4:

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.


Memo No. 5:

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.


Memo No. 6:

The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.


Memo No. 7:

Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

 

Memorandum

To: All Seminar Leaders
From: Office
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines

Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...

Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding Seminar Leaders on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.

----------
Transportation
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>If commercial transportation must be utilised, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorised for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a seminar is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by travelling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
<LI>Bus transportation will be utilised whenever possible.
<LI>Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged.
<LI>Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all Seminar Leaders prior to their departure on company business trips.</UL>
----------
Lodging
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>All Seminar Leaders are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while conducting seminars. If this is not possible, then cost-effective alternatives should be exploited.
<LI>Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.</UL>
----------
Meals
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centres," and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.
<LI>Leaders should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of indigenous roots, berries and any other protein sources available at their destination(s). If restaurants must be utilised, Leaders should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to Seminar Leaders during group lunches, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.
<LI>Seminar Leaders are also encouraged to bring their own food while on the road conducting seminars. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-Roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.</UL>
----------
Entertainment
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Entertainment while on the road is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab." Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him," not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
<LI>Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.</UL>
----------
Miscellaneous
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>All Seminar Leaders are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all Seminar Leaders prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to Seminar Leaders so that sales may be made as time permits.</UL>

 

Everything You've Always Wanted to Ask About Binghamton U But Were Afraid to Know
(adapt to your own university/college as required)
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>When entering the library building, what is the etiquette when a single someone holds both double doors for you? Do you thank them twice? Or does the first "Thank You" count for both doors?
<LI>While in the library, why is it that the first floor study room is the noisiest place on campus?
<LI>Why are all the printers in the South Pod so crummy?
<LI>Why are all the lanes in the bowling alley broken?
<LI>What does that guy in the information booth actually do?
<LI>Who the hell designed the Fine Arts building? Was he related to the guy who designed the engineering building?
<LI>Why are people so PC?
<LI>Why are people so insensitive?
<LI>Why don't the JSU, and the BSU, and the ASU and all of the other "SU's" get together and co-sponsor one big, happy, festive event?
<LI>Why don't more people support our women's basketball team (they did qualify for the NCAA tournament)?
<LI>Why do people buy those bags of "Famous Amos" chocolate chip cookies from vending machines for 65 cents when Munchies sells them for 50 cents?
<LI>How many buildings on campus still have asbestos?
<LI>Why do people come to college for a GPA instead of an education?
<LI>Why do all the entrances to campus say, "Binghamton University" except for the ones leading to CIW and the health services, which say, "SUNY at Binghamton"?
<LI>Why did we change our name to Binghamton University in the first place? (Has it increased enrollment? Do more people take the school seriously now?) And why do "old-timers" refuse to give up "SUNY-B"?
<LI>With all this newfound respect, how come so many people spell it, "Binghampton"?
<LI>When visiting the health services, why do you need to wait in line to see a nurse in order to schedule an appointment with a doctor?
<LI>Does Robitusson work for a broken bone?
<LI>Did you know the health services gives out free condoms?
<LI>Did you know they also give out free cough drops? (Why do I seem to be the only person excited about the cough drops?)
<LI>Why do the dining halls always run out of food 5 minutes before they close? (Serve the food until you close, or close 5 minutes earlier.)
<LI>Why do the OCC bus drivers always honk their horns before they depart? (Don't they have radios?)
<LI>Why did they change the "Law and Justice" degree to "Philosophy, Politics, and Law" and can we change it back? Nobody knows what PPL is and it just takes too long to say. (Besides, four people have already asked me if I am a triple major!)
<LI>Why are there only two nice weeks of weather each spring? (And how does freshman 'open house' always manage to fall on one of them?)
<LI>Why are we building Academic I when we have a hiring freeze on faculty? Who is going to teach there?
<LI>Why do college students protest so much and vote so little?
<LI>Why did the school put those "High Tech" green signs all over campus?
<LI>When did Rockefeller Center move to Hinman and what did they do with the ice-skating rink?
<LI>Why do Escape bus drivers always make at least one wrong turn? Why does one of the three buses leaving for the same destination always arrive two hours later than the other two?
<LI>Why do they put those dinky 5 oz. cups next to the water cooler in the Mini Mall?
<LI>Just exactly how does "Academic Advising" define the word "advising"?
<LI>What is up with Marriott? Why does the "wellness and you" meal always have over 25 grams of fat?
<LI>Just how many ways can one EAT chicken?
<LI>In Dickinson, why does line 2 always look so small yet move so slowly?
<LI>Why is nothing at Freddy's Say Healthy, healthy?
<LI>Does the "food is fuel" sign in the mini-mall mean that the food gives you energy or just gas?
<LI>What does the L.I. in "L.I. Ducks Deli" stand for?
<LI>Why isn't everyone in this world as nice as Betty the pizza lady at Pizza Pete's?</UL>

And finally:
Why does college have to come to an end?

 

This is a true story from Sam torrence, European ryder cup team captain.

A golf Professional on the American tour was relaxing in his room, enjoying the in-house pornography on the TV. Thinking that his freinds might appreciate the XXX action on the screen he begins to record the fim with his Video camera. When he returns home and he tells his mates the severity of the subject matter they all beg to see the said tape, to the Golfers dismay, the reflection of him banging one out could be seen on the T.V. screen.

 

In honour of the (near) end of examination season ...

Test Taking Skills Exam


Part 1 - Multiple Choice Tests

1. When taking a multiple choice test you should always:
a) Eliminate the answers which you know are wrong then choose then most correct answer.
b) Choose the most correct answers then eliminate the ones which are most wrong.
c) Eliminate the answers which are the most wrong and choose the one you know is correct.
d) Choose the answers that are probably right and use the least wrong of them.

2. The best answer is always:
a) The longest one.
b) The shortest one because it is more concise and clearly written.
c) The second longest answer.
d) The second shortest one because it is not too simple.

3. When you must guess between all four answers:
a) "c" is generally a good guess.
b) "d" is generally a good guess.
c) "c" is generally a poor guess.
d) "d" is generally a poor guess.

4. When all the answers for a question seem correct you should:
a) Answer your first impulse.
b) Skip it and come back.
c) Choose your answers according to your answers in question 2 and 3.
d) Not answer it at all.

5. Another good idea when you are guessing is to:
a) Choose generalisations because they are ALWAYS correct.
b) Choose more specific answers because they are generally more correct.
c) Avoid generalisations because they are usually wrong.
d) Avoid specific answers because they are ALWAYS wrong.

6. Is "none of the above" a good answer?
a) Yes.
b) Usually.
c) If you are not sure.
d) None of the above.

7. Is "all of the above" a good answer?
a) It is never a correct answer.
b) Sometimes, depending on the test you are taking.
c) If a, b, and c, are correct.
d) All of the above.

8. Is it better to answer:
a) Correctly.
b) To the best of your ability.
c) Both "a" and "b."
d) All of the above.

9. Which is generally the most correct answer?
a) None of the below.
b) Both "a" and "c."
c) Niether "b" nor "d."
d) All of the above.

Section 2 - True/False Tests
<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>True or False. If you are not sure on a true/false test, never guess.
<LI>True or False. False is ALWAYS a good answer.
<LI>True or False. Short statements are false.
<LI>True or False. Very long statements tend to be false because they are too detailed and more prone to have numerous mistakes in them. If you come to a question such as this, either skip it or answer false because you will get a better score that way.
<LI>True or False. You should never answer according to your first impulse.
<LI>True or False. Complex statements, such as this one, have hidden meanings that could make them false.
<LI>True or False. Generalisations are usually false.
<LI>True or False. When a statement is sometimes true and sometimes false you should answer false.
<LI>True or False. True is always a good answer.
<LI>True or False. When a test is driving you insane, you should either avoid answering stupid statements or answer them "false."
</OL>


Section 3 - Short Answer Tests
<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>When you encounter an error in your test, no matter how small, give at least 5 reasons you should you throw it away and ask for a new one.


<LI>Should your answers be written in complete sentences, or just in short phrases? If you think the former is correct, write down the seven words you should never begin your sentences with. If you think the latter is correct, write 3 paragraphs telling why.


<LI>When extremely complicated and unclear, how should a question be over and over again for your understanding read so you know what it is trying to ask for so you can be clearer in your answer for what reasons?


<LI>Why do simple questions require simple answers? Answer in at least 4 complete sentences.

<LI>Do you like answering opinion questions? Give 10 reasons for your answer.


<LI>How good are you at answering questions dealing with your mental abilities? Why? How do you usually answer a question about the way you do things? Why do multiple questions for a single number require no more than one answer which covers them all?

<LI>When there is not enough space for the answe

 

ROTFLMAO,Shar!BTW,what happened to Ol'val?

Heck,here's,mine:A man was walking on the beach when he noticed a lamp.He decided to rub it for fun.To his surprise,a genie appeared and told him he would grant him three wishes,but whatever he got,his wife got double.

The man doubted this,so he asked for a billion bucks.Lo and behold,his wife got two billion,while he got a billion!

The man wasn't sure,so he asked for a mansion in Hawaii.He got what he wanted,but his wife got TWO houses in Hawaii!

Finally,he said,"Genie,beat me half to death".

From Letterman:...Rejected Grammy Award Category No.2!!Spice Girl most likely to be pushed in front of a subway train!"

 

Ol'val, X-Wing Commander.

Impersonal posts such as indices, memos from the desk of the unofficial observer, straight transcriptions or translations (as in the case of this thread), and the occasional one-word confirmation, have long not seen the "ol'val."

In all other cases (including notes of a personal nature) the greeting remains intact.

And since I cannot post in this thread without adding some type of "what have you," I offer the post-exam-mortum (Exams Part II).


In memory of the livers of those who frequent The Howling Wookiee Bar & Grill:


LCBO Labelling
[The Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) is considering requiring additional warnings on beer and alcohol containers.]

Some suggestions:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing with lampshades.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until even your friends may start considering violent measures.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings likethish.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 a.m.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering just what happened to your pants.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you cannot remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

And finally:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

 

It's the first Christmas Eve, and the stable in Bethlehem is full of very happy people. Mary has that "new mother" smile plastered on her face, the angels are singing a gorgeous lullaby, and the shepherds are going ga-ga over the baby.
But Joseph doesn't look happy at all; he's off moping in a corner, dejectedly holding his lantern. One of the shepherds notices this, and asks,
"What's wrong, Joseph? Don't you think your son is the most gorgeous baby in the world?"
Joseph answers in a petulant voice: "But I was hoping for a girl..."

 

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/RecoveryMission; what would you expect to happen?

Ranger Option
Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.
Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection.
Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing Jody cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.
Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their face cammo, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.
Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Special Forces Option
Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Teamwould cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.
Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.
Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by hisown means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in.
Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team wouldcache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.
Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of thewomen passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.


British Special Air Service 15 Commandment
I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.
IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.
V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.
VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.
VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.
IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.
X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.
XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.
XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy cammo, for they pointeth to thee.
XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.
XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.
X