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Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

Discussion in 'Archive: Your Jedi Council Community' started by Shar Kida, Nov 15, 1999.

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  1. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999

    Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons, ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant vice neutrons.

    Administratum has an atomic mass of 311, since the neutron is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are held together by a force which involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called suck-ups.

    Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert. Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. One experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is still running after 2 years due to the addition of just one milligramme of Administratum.

    It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of approximately six months. After this time, it does not actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is self-sustaining.

    Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate around large corporations, research laboratories and government departments. It can especially be found in recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation and global warming.

    It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Numerous attempts have been made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
  2. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    The 12 Politically Correct Days Of Christmas

    On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my significant other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

    TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

    ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

    TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

    NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

    EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

    SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

    SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

    FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

    [NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.]

    FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

    THREE deconstructionist poets,

    TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,

    AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
  3. Dagger

    Dagger Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 14, 1999
    These things are LONG! If these things have already been posted, sorry.

    ON BATMAN CAPE: Cape does not enable user to fly.

    ON FIRE EXTINGUISHER: Non-flammable

    ON BOTTLE OF CHILDREN'S MEDICINE: Do not drive a car or operate heavy machinery after use.

    IN LAWN MOWER HANDBOOK: Problem: No fuel in tank. Put fuel in tank.

  4. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

    <LI>While he is in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

    <LI>Leave him a note, explaining that you have gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

    <LI>While he is in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

    <LI>Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

    <LI>Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

    <LI>Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

    <LI>Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

    <LI>While he is in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he should not have missed that last payment, and take off.

    <LI>Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk with a note that says, "For Santa. "

    <LI>Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

    <LI>Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

    <LI>While he is in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

    <LI>Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he has a red nose!" and fire a gun.

    <LI>Leave Santa a note, explaining that you have moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. ("Turn left half a mile before you reach the bridge ...)

    <LI>Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you are sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

    <LI>Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

    <LI>Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he is in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you have been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

    <LI>Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

    <LI>Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
  5. Barbara Fett

    Barbara Fett Jedi Master star 3

    Jun 23, 1999
    I love this thread! Here's a short excerpt from Dave Barry's book "Dave Barry in Cyberspace:"

    Happy person
    Sad person (they're typed : ) w/o space in the book)
    :) Happy person with a nose
    :-( Sad person with a nose
    :----( Person who is sad because he or she has a large nose

  6. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    12 Days of Christmas - AOL style

    On the twelfth day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

    12 reasons to cancel,
    11 channels not working,
    10 hours without mail,
    9 frozen chat rooms,
    8 hours of busy signals,
    7 frozen IMs,
    6 disconnections,
    5 web crashes,
    4 hours at tech help,
    3 error messages,
    2 pieces of junk mail,
    and 1 newly tempermental hard drive.
  7. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Twelve Pains of X-mas

    From the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp album Twisted Christmas

    The first thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Is finding a Christmas tree.

    The second thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Husband: Rigging up the lights,
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The third thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Inebriated man: Hangovers,
    Husband: Rigging up the lights,
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The fourth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
    Inebriated man: Hangovers,
    Husband: Rigging up the lights,
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The fifth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
    Inebriated man: Hangovers,
    Husband: Rigging up the lights,
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The sixth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
    Inebriated man: Hangovers,
    Husband: Rigging up these lights,
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The seventh thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Angry man: The Salvation Army,
    Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
    Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez!
    Husband: I am trying to rig up these lights!
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The eighth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Angry man: Charities
    Frustrated wife: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: Oh, making out these cards,
    Inebriated man: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
    Husband: What, we have no extension cords?!?
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The ninth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
    Loud kid: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
    Angry man: Donations!
    Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: Writing out those Christmas cards,
    Inebriated man: Hangovers,
    Husband: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The tenth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    Mother: "Batteries not included",
    Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
    Loud kid: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
    Angry man: Get a job, ya bum!!!
    Frustrated wife (sobbing): Oh, facing my in-laws,
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
    Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
    Husband: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The eleventh thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    TV Critic: Stale TV specials,
    Mother: "Batteries not included",
    Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
    Loud kid: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
    Angry man: Charities!!
    Frustrated wife (sobbing): She's a witch! I hate her!
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
    Inebriated man: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
    Husband: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The twelfth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
    A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
    TV Critic: Stale TV specials,
    Mother: "Batteries not included",
    Another frustrated man: No parking?
    Angry man: Charities!
    Frustrated wife: Gotta make 'em dinner!
    Chorus: Five months of bills,
    Frustrated man: I am not sending them this year, that's it!
    Inebriated man: Shut up, you!
    Husband: FINE!! If you are so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
    Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
  8. Only-Wan Norwegian

    Only-Wan Norwegian Jedi Youngling

    Dec 22, 1999
    "Humourous" deaths!!

    In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

    In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

    Sylvester Briddell, JR , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

  9. Maul KenObi

    Maul KenObi Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 8, 1998

    There is no Gravity, The earth just sucks...

    Life is a ***** and then you die

    Life is a ***** and then you marry one

  10. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999

    Only-Wan Norwegian: Welcome to the Forum!
    Have you ever heard of the Darwin Award? Awarded annually (and usually posthumously) to persons who have succeeded in taking themselves out of the gene pool in precisely the types of ways you have described. Last year's recipient thought it was a particularly good idea to attach a rocket to an automobile. The accident investigators determined afterwards what had happened by careful analysis of the small pieces of melted metal embedded in the side of a cliff.

    And now, to something slightly more light-hearted:


    December 14th

    Dearest John:

    I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I could not have been more surprised.

    With dearest love and affection, Agnes


    December 15th

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves ... I am just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love, Agnes


    December 16th

    Dear John:

    Oh, are you not the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I do not deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist ... you are just too kind.

    Love Agnes


    December 17th

    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don?t you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

    Affectionately, Agnes


    December 18th

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love, Agnes


    December 19th

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you are back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cannot sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

    Cordially, Agnes


    December 20th


    What is up with you and those birds????

    Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There are bird droppings all over the house and they never stop the racket. I am a nervous wreck and I cannot sleep all night. IT IS NOT FUNNY ............. so stop
    with the birds already!

    Sincerely, Agnes


    December 21st

    OK Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It is not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own freaking cows. Just lay off me, okay?



    December 22nd

    Hey Buster:

    What are you? Some sort of sadist? Now there are nine pipers playing -- and do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You will get yours, I promise.

    From Ag


    December 23rd

    You -----:

    Now there are ten ladies dancing - I do not know why I call those ****s ladies. They have been entertaining those nine pipers all night long. Now those cows cannot sleep and they have diarrhoea. My living room is -- unspeakable. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned. I am siccing the police on you.

    One who means it, Ag


    December 24th

    Listen up, idiot:

    What is with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have started on the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied, you rotten swine.

    Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister


    December 25th (from the law office
  11. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    How to Tell if You're a Grinch
    [thanks to Paul Reale]

    This is the second of the essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for your New Year's resolutions:
    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

    <LI>You steal light bulbs from your neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

    <LI>You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

    <LI>You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy; if you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points)

    <LI>You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

    <LI>You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone)

    <LI>At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

    <LI>You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car). (5 points)

    <LI>After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

    <LI>Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)
    Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

    20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

    30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

    50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

    [This message has been edited by Shar Kida (edited 12-29-1999).]
  12. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Attainable New Year's Resolutions

    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
    <LI>Stop exercising. Waste of time.
    <LI>Read less.
    <LI>Watch more TV. I have been missing some good stuff.
    <LI>Procrastinate more.
    <LI>Drink. Drink some more.
    <LI>Take up a new habit: smoking.
    <LI>Spend at least $1000 a month on hookers.
    <LI>Spend more time at work.
    <LI>Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
    <LI>Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
    <LI>Quit giving money & time to charity.
    <LI>Personal goal: bring back disco.
    <LI>Start being superstitious.
    <LI>Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
  13. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies
    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

    <LI>I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.

    <LI>I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

    <LI>I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

    <LI>I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe ...

    <LI>I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

    <LI>When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."

    <LI>I will read the manual.

    <LI>I will think of a password other than "password."

    <LI>I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

  14. Hôl

    Hôl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Dec 6, 1999
    The Y2K countdown clocks have 3 year warranties.
  15. Rhui Chatar

    Rhui Chatar Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 4, 1999
    "I've made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
    I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle, I found it too confining."
    Jane Wagner
  16. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    How far behind? Twenty-six days?

    From Disorder in the Court by Erin Rankin Nash

    The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:


    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.


    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you ?
    A: My name is Susan.


    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    [This message has been edited by Shar Kida (edited 01-26-2000).]
  17. one-fan

    one-fan Jedi Youngling star 2

    Jul 18, 1999
    Hi Shar!
    These came from the world of work

    Emergency Medical Services memo

    To: All Riding Members
    From: Chief of Operations
    Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

    It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many
    EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately.
    Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang
    and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

    1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up
    heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
    (had it before, got it again).

    2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
    CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

    3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to ****), FDGB (fall down,
    go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
    descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like
    "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration

    4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

    5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are
    not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

    6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

    7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal
    intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

    8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being
    "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas),
    CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

    I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of
    our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper
    narratives and log entries.

    and this one

    This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
    a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
    "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!"

    He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says,
    "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

    The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the
    computers I am hauling."

    The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him
    a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape
    around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and
    pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without
    saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

    The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

    The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon
    Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a

    The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
    back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
    and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
    all over the freeway.

    He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
    computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
    the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
    load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
    starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
    screaming at him to stop.

    The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

    "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
  18. Rhui Chatar

    Rhui Chatar Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 4, 1999

    Top Ten Exercises to improve your dealing with Live stoc.... *ahem*, Cavalry Mounts

    10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"

    9. Leap out of any moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

    8. Learn to grab your checkbook and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

    7. Jog long distances carying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.

    6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

    5. Hone your fibbing skills: " see, hon. moving hay bales is FUN!" and, "no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won the blue ribbion. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place"

    4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky beast.

    3. Borrow the U.S. Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...

    2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, " this is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

    1. THE NUMBER ONE Exercises to improve your dealing with Live stoc.... *ahem*, Cavalry Mounts:
    Marry money.
  19. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. "I do not understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

    "Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, " Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

    "Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

    "Exactly," said Saint Peter." And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
  20. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Ah yes, one-fan: I remember those terms too.

    Some Unique Church Bulletin Announcements

    The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.

    Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

    The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

    The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

    Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

    A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS.
  21. Rhui Chatar

    Rhui Chatar Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 4, 1999
    an Oldie but a goodie

    Two 'fellows' were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.

    This Particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the Entire ocean into beer!"

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

    One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.

    After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:
    "Nice going! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

  22. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Well, as long as we are discussing lifeboats ...

    [from The Times]

    A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

  23. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    [This one is for JediGaladriel - SK]

    How many Form critics?
    by Glenn Miller

    How many Form critics does it take to change a light bulb?
    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>Unfortunately, I cannot get them to act. I show them the Maintenance Request Form, from the tenant, requesting the change, but they dismiss it as being a 'pious fraud' created by big and powerful lightbulb companies who think bulbs should be replaced BEFORE they burn out...

    <LI>I still cannot get them to take the Request Form seriously! This time they decided that it could not be authentic since the request had come from the new apartment 10A and there were no prior incidences of this at all. They concluded that someone must have borrowed the form from some OTHER apartment, and simply put the request "on the lips of the tenant in 10A"...

    <LI>I still cannot get them to act! This time they dismissed the darkness as a 'late apocalyptic image' that obviously was being appropriated to describe something much less severe, like indigestion or something.

    <LI>I still cannot get them to act! This time they said that there PROBABLY had been some flicker in a bulb somewhere (or maybe a diming of light from a cloud passing overhead), but that the oral tradition behind the Maintenance Request Form had developed so freely that it was now historically impossible to find the actual apartment in which the problem PERHAPS showed up, and that we could not even be sure that it had occurred in THIS landlord's tenure.

    <LI>I still cannot get them to take the Maintenance Request Form seriously! This time they detected a 'contradiction' that was a sure sign of inauthenticity. They summarily dismissed the Form with the remark that "If the light bulb had been burned out, the tenant would not have been able to see to fill out the Form, silly! And arguing that they went into another room would be 'special pleading' or 'harmonisation' of the most tendentious nature!"...go figure...
  24. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    [Sign seen in a police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand]

    Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.
  25. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Dean, to the physics department in a "hot" university:
    "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why can you not be like the math department? All they need is money for pencils, paper and wastepaper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department -- all they need are pencils and paper."
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