Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

Discussion in 'Archive: Your Jedi Council Community' started by Shar Kida, Nov 15, 1999.

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  1. Rhui Chatar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 1999
    star 3
    THE INTELLECTUAL CHICKEN

    For all you philosophers out there.....

    Q: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
    A:

    Darwin:
    Chickens, over great periods of time, have
    been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

    Freud:
    The fact that you thought that the chicken
    crossed the road reveals your underlying
    sexual insecurity.

    Machiavelli:
    The point is that the chicken crossed the
    road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

    Albert Camus:
    It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have
    no meaning except to him.

    Oliver Stone:
    The question is not "Why did the chicken
    cross the road?" but is rather "Who was
    crossing the road at the same time whom we
    overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

    Bill Clinton:
    It wasn't me. I wasn't chasing the chicken.
    There was no inappropriate relationship
    between me and the chicken

    Newt Gingrich:
    Because the Chicken was kicked out of the
    coop.

    Jerry Seinfeld:
    Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
    doesn't anyone ever think to ask,
    "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

    Martin Luther King, Jr.:
    I envision a world where all chickens will be
    free to cross roads without having their
    motives called into question.

    Immanuel Kant:
    The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose
    to cross the road of his own free will.

    George Orwell:
    Because the government had fooled him into
    thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

    Karl Marx:
    It was a historical inevitability.

    Nietzsche:
    Because if you gaze too long across the Road,
    the Road gazes also across you.

    Jean-Paul Sartre:
    In order to act in good faith and be true to
    itself, the chicken found it necessary to
    cross the road.

    Albert Einstein:
    Whether the chicken crossed the road or the
    road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    Buddha:
    If you ask this question, you deny your own
    chicken nature.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson:
    It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

    Ernest Hemingway:
    To die. In the rain.

    Bill Gates:
    I have just released the new Chicken 2000,
    which will
    both cross roads, balance
    your checkbook, and solve your Y2K problem

    Colonel Sanders of KFC:
    I missed one?
  2. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    [Another for JediGaladriel]


    How many textual critics does it take to change a light bulb?
    We do not actually change the bulb, we simply amend it.

    How many textual critics does it take to change a light bulb?
    My professional opinion is that we should leave the original bulb as it is. The probability of someone replacing a good bulb with a bad one is much lower than the opposite, and hence the bad bulb most likely reflects the oldest (and therefore better)bulb.
  3. Réka Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 17, 1999
    star 4
    <With apologies to good Roman Catholics everywhere>

    The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing vacation plans.
    The Father says, "Let's go to Jerusalem. I hear it's very nice this time of year."
    The Son answers, "I'd rather not... You know, bad memories of the place and all."
    "All right, but where should we go instead?" the Holy Spirit asks.
    "I know! Let's go to the Vatican!" suggests the Son.
    The Holy Spirit answers, "Oh, that's a wonderful idea. I've never been there!"
  4. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

    "Yes, I am afraid so," the doctor told her.

    There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I am wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
  5. Rhui Chatar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 1999
    star 3
    Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer.
    For some reason all three offended the king
    and were sentenced to die on the same day.

    The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.
    As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine,
    the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

    "Head up," said the doctor.
    "Blindfold or no blindfold?"
    "No blindfold."
    So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck.

    Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was
    set free.

    Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
    "Head up," said the chemist.
    "Blindfold or no blindfold?"
    "No blindfold."
    So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well,
    the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

    Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner.
    "Head up."
    "Blindfold or no blindfold?"
    "No blindfold."
    So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"


  6. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    [For the Chinese New Year]


    One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humanity had progressed so far that they no longer needed God, so they appointed one of the scientists to give God the news.

    The scientist walked up to God and said, "We can clone people and do all kinds of amazing things, so we do not need you anymore."

    God listened patiently and kindly and after the scientist was finished talking God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's have a man making contest."

    The scientist agreed immediately.

    "But," God added, "we are going to do it just like back in the days of Adam."

    The scientist shrugged and said, "Sure, no problem," and stooped down to pick up a handful of dirt.

    God looked at him and said, "No, no, you get your own dirt."
  7. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

    Patient: What is the good news, Doc?

    Doctor: They are going to name a disease after you.
  8. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    Joe is in dire financial trouble. His business has gone under, his debts are piling up. He is so desperate he decides to pray for help.

    "God, please help me. I lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I am going to lose my car as well. Please let me win the lottery."

    Lottery night comes -- and somebody else wins.

    "God, please let me win the lottery! I lost my business, my car and now I am going to lose my house as well."

    Lottery night comes. No luck.

    "My God, I lost my business, my car, and my house. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

    A sudden flash of blinding light. The heavens open, and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

    "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
  9. Jedi Swoosh Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 10, 1999
    star 2
    This stuff is great, somebody archive this so it doesn't get eaten by the server.

    MTFBWY
  10. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits' end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

    The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet.

    His older brother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"

    Replied the younger brother: "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
  11. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University:
    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>He had only one major publication.
    <LI>It was in Hebrew.
    <LI>It had no references.
    <LI>It was not published in a refereed journal.
    <LI>Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
    <LI>It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
    <LI>His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
    <LI>The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
    <LI>He never applied to the Research Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
    <LI>When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
    <LI>When subjects did not behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
    <LI>He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
    <LI>Some say he had his son teach the class.
    <LI>He expelled his first two students for learning.
    <LI>Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
    <LI>His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.</OL>
  12. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    An Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with the rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions.

    The groom-to-be inquires, "Rabbi, is it true that men and women do not dance together?"

    "Yes," says the rabbi. "For modesty reasons, men and women always dance separately. To dance together is forbidden."

    "So even at our wedding, I cannot dance with my own wife?"

    "No, absolutely not," answers the rabbi.

    "Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex? Surely I can have sex with my wife, yes?"

    "Fine, wonderful!" replies the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage, to have many beautiful Jewish children!"

    "What about different positions?" asks the man.

    "No problem," says the rabbi. "It is all a mitzvah!"

    "Women on top?"

    "Why not?" is the response. "Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!"

    "Naked? Without clothes?"

    "Of course! It is a mitzvah!"

    "Even on the table? Maybe in the dining room?"

    "Of course! It is a mitzvah!"

    "Well, what about if we do it standing up?"

    "NO, NO, NO!" says the rabbi.

    "Why not?" asks the man.

    "Might lead to dancing!"
  13. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    As long as there are tests, there will always be prayer in school.

    - Bumpersticker at UNL Union
  14. Rhui Chatar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 1999
    star 3
    Beer Testing:

    Think about this ...Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,considering
    the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presenceof female hormones in beer.

    The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

    No further testing is planned.
  15. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    [sign in a San Francisco café]

    This job is a test. Had this been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions and other signs of appreciation.
  16. Jaro Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 1, 1999
    star 1
    How many members of your Sign does it take to change a light bulb?


    ARIES:
    Just one. You want to make something of it?


    TAURUS:
    One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and
    should be thrown away.


    GEMINI:
    Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!


    CANCER:
    Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.


    LEO:
    Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they are out.


    VIRGO:
    Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.


    LIBRA:
    Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?


    SCORPIO:
    That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones
    in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.


    SAGITTARIUS:
    The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?


    CAPRICORN:
    I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.


    AQUARIUS:
    Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....


    PISCES:
    Light bulb? What light bulb?

  17. YODA the all powerful Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 5, 1998
    star 4
    Here is an interesting e-mail I received. Having an intimate knowledge of the governmental exuberance over their specifications, I found this particularly amusing. It's so true.

    The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails)is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

    So ... why was that gauge used?

    Because ...... that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

    So ...... why did the English build them like that?

    Because ...... the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways - and that's the gauge THEY used.

    So ...... why did THEY use that gauge?

    Because ...... the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which had that same wheel-spacing.

    So, okay, ...... why did the WAGONS use that
    particular wheel-spacing?

    Because ...... if the wagonwrights tried to use any other spacing, the wagon-wheels would break on some of the old, long-distance
    roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

    So ...... who BUILT those old rutted roads?

    The first long-distance roads in England and Europe were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. These roads have been used ever since.

    And the ruts? Well ...... it was the Roman war-chariots that MADE the ruts on the Roman roads - ruts which everyone else had to match
    for fear of destroying THEIR wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were all made for, or by, the Imperial Roman government, they all had the same wheel-spacing.

    Thus..... the United States' standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
    from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot - which goes to show you that ...... specifications, policies, and bureaucracies live forever.

    So ... the next time you are handed a specification or official policy and wonder what bunch of horses' rear ends ever came
    up with it in the first place ...... you MAY be exactly right.

    Because ...... the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to
    accommodate the rear ends of two war-horses.

    And now, the *REAL* twist to the story:

    When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are Solid Rocket Boosters, or SRBs. They are made by a company called Thiokol, at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs actually
    wanted to make them a bit fatter, BUT ...... the SRBs have to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The
    railroad line from the factory has to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs have to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is just slightly wider than the railroad track, and ...... you've got it: the railroad track is just about as wide as the rear ends of two Imperial Roman war-horses.

    So ...... the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced system of transportation was determined over two millennia ago ... by horses' ASSES!

    [This message has been edited by YODA the all powerful (edited 02-15-2000).]
  18. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    Good to see you here!


    Dear God,

    So far today I have done all right.
    I have not gossiped.
    I have not lost my temper.
    I have not been greedy,
    grumpy, nasty, selfish,
    proud or overindulgent.

    I am very thankful for that....

    But in a few minutes, God,
    I am going to get out of bed.
  19. Jaro Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 1, 1999
    star 1
    You Might Be A High-Tech Redneck If:

    Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."

    You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

    If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."

    Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

    You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

    Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

    You wire your network with jumper cables.

    Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.

    You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

    You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

    Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver

    You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all."

    Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."

    Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.

    Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive.

    You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.

    Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

    Smith & Wesson...the original point N click interface.

    When you're friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."

    When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.

    When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.

    Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

    You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.
  20. OJSithLord Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 14, 1999
    star 4
    "God don't like Ugly... It is written"

    - 2Pac Shakur, "hit em up"
  21. Masher 3263827 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 17, 1999
    I got sacked from my last job because I had a wierd personality.

    Not to worry. I've got four more.....
  22. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    Doctor to patient: I have seen this before, but it was on The X-Files.
  23. YODA the all powerful Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 5, 1998
    star 4
    Shar, I've read this thread many times, and was surprised I never posted to it until now. Anyways, a few more jokes.

    A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

    Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

    "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!

    "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies..................

    You just happened to catch my eye."

    and then there's the cyber-camera:
    http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Acres/3072/camera2.html http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Acres/3072/camera2.html

    An interesting anectodote from a Chili Cook-off:
    A WORD FROM THE CHEF...

    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
    one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
    CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
  24. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen, and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

    "Don't touch!" she commanded. "They are for the funeral."
  25. Shar Kida Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 1999
    star 4
    And YTAP: that first one is a serious groaner.


    A man had a miserable cold and went to see his doctor. After the usual protestations about the common cold, the doctor ended up prescribing some pills. Predictably, they did not work, so on the next visit the doctor tried a shot. Again, no luck. Finally, on the third visit, the doctor told his patient to go home, take a hot bath, open the window, and stand there soaking wet.

    "But Doc," protested the man, wondering now about the cure being worse than the disease, "I will get pneumonia!"

    "Pneumonia," replied the doctor, "I can cure."
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