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Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

Discussion in 'Archive: Your Jedi Council Community' started by Shar Kida, Nov 15, 1999.

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  1. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Random observations of real things in Kida's life (or, why the universe has a sense of humour):

    The television station displays prominently the telephone number to call if your electricity is still out.

    The new telephone number for an information line: the first thing heard when dialing the new number is the message, "The number has been changed to [the number just dialed]."

    Telephone tag in just about any major institution: why is it that the person to whom you are speaking never knows the answer, and always thinks they know someone who does?

    This is also known as Kida's First Law of Telecommunications: The number of people who know the information you are seeking is inversely proportional to the number of possible extensions. (The second number is doubled for government departments.)

    First Corollary to the First Law: The number of telephone extensions to which you will be transferred in the process of seeking the information is exponentially proportional to the number of floors in the institution (or total floors, if more than one building). (Triple this number for government departments.)

    Second Corollary to the First Law: The chance of being disconnected in the process of seeking information is inversely proportional to the number of people who know the information you are seeking. (Quadruple this number for government departments.)

    The weather warning is sounded after the tornado has passed.

    The subway in which the doors would not open after the train came to a full stop: after a few moments came the announcement, "This train is out of service due to a mechanical problem. The doors will not open. Please leave the train immediately."
  2. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he says when he sees him, "Do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

    "Yes, I do," says the Rabbi.

    "Is he a member of your congregation?"

    "Yes, he is."

    "Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims on his tax return?"

    "I can assure you that he will."
  3. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

    Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
  4. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Every one of these labels exists in the real world ... somewhere ...

    On instructions for a hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
    On a frozen dinner package: Serving suggestion - defrost.
    On a hotel-provided showercap box: Fits one head.
    On a Dial bath bar box: Directions - use like regular soap.
    On a tiramisu dessert container: Do not turn upside down (printed on the bottom of the box).
    On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning - keep out of children.
    On a bread pudding box: Product will be hot after heating.
    On the packaging of an iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
    On a children's cough medicine: Do not drive car.
    On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
    On a package of peanuts:: Warning - contains nuts.
    On a popular airline's package of peanuts: Instructions - open package, eat nuts.
    On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
    On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
    On a bottle of a popular sleeping aid: Warning - may cause drowsiness.
    On a package of raisins: Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
  5. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.

    (You just knew all along it was really an oncoming train, right?)
  6. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You are not so good in bed either!" he finally shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he had better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

    "What took you so long to answer?"

    "I was in bed."

    "What were you doing in bed this late?"

    "Getting a second opinion."
  7. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    A man is talking to the family doctor: "Doc, I think my wife is going deaf."

    The doctor answers, "Well, here is something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she does not answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you will be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

    So the man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Hi, pookie, what's for dinner?" He does not hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Hi, pookie, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. So he continues to repeat this several times, until he is standing just a few feet away from her.

    Finally, she answers: "For the eleventh time, I said we are having MEATLOAF!"

    [This message has been edited by Shar Kida (edited 02-26-2000).]
  8. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. When the Jews naturally objected, the Pope agreed to have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay; if the Pope won, the Jews would leave. Realising that they had no choice, the Jews picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. But Moishe asked for one slight change to the debate: neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

    Came the day of the debate. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. With a vast sigh the Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

    An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

    Meanwhile, the Jewish community had similarly crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

    "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

    "Yes, yes, and then?" asked the crowd.

    "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
  9. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    [It is all in your point of view ...]

    A cardinal runs to the Pope's quarters, finally arriving all out of breath. He just barely manages to gasp out, "Your Holiness, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

    Pope: "So what is the good news?

    Cardinal: "Jesus has returned to earth! He is on the phone and wants to speak with you!"

    Pope: "And the bad news?"

    Cardinal: "He is calling from Salt Lake City!"
  10. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    St. Peter to applicant: Where are you from?
    Applicant: California.
    St. Peter: Come on in, but I don't think you will like it.
  11. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Written under the large picture of a dollar bill chalked by a sidewalk artist: "Drawn From Memory."
  12. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Two golfers wanted to play through, but when one of them went forward to ask the two ladies the favour, he suddenly turned pale and turned back. "Look, Mike, I have to ask you to ask them instead, because I am in rather an awkward position. You see, one of those golfers ahead of us is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

    No problem. Mike went forward instead to ask the two to play through.

    When he returned he was smiling broadly: "You know, Joe, it's a small world."
  13. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    [For today, a few translations - SK]

    What the Doctor says: "This won't hurt a bit."
    What the Doctor really means: "It will hurt a lot."

    What the Doctor says: "This should be taken care of right away."
    What the Doctor really means: "I had planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

    What the Doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
    What the Doctor really means: Since he does not have the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

    What the Doctor says: "We will see."
    What the Doctor really means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

    What the Doctor says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?"
    What the Doctor really means: "I am playing golf this afternoon."

    What the Doctor says: "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
    What the Doctor really means: Since he does not have the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologists also say this a lot.)

    What the Doctor says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
    What the Doctor really means: The good news is he is going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is you are going to pay for it.

    What the Doctor says: "That is quite a nasty looking wound."
    What the Doctor really means: "I think I am going to throw up."

    [This message has been edited by Shar Kida (edited 03-03-2000).]
  14. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and did not understand most of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

    Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate, choosing the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit did not understand one word, so he just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

    Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said something else that he did not understand. He saw the man next to him stand up, so he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He quickly looked around and saw that nobody else was standing, so he sat down.

    After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English, "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

    Wincing, the missionary recruit replied, "It's that obvious?"

    "Well," began the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
  15. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve.

    And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

    "Don't what?" Adam replied.

    "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God.

    "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ... We got Forbidden Fruit!"

    "No way!"

    "Yes WAY!"

    "Don't eat that fruit!" said God.


    "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he had not stopped after making the elephants.

    A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Did I not tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

    "Uh huh," replied Adam.

    "Then why did you?"

    "I dunno," Eve answered.

    "She started it!" Adam said.

    "Did not!"

    "DID so!"

    "DID NOT!!"

    Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
  16. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

    So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"

    "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.

    "And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"

    "The same exact thing," the guard answered.

    "Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"

    "Because in Socialist Hell, they are always out of oil, whips, and racks."
  17. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

    The note read, "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

    Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing. "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
  18. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Female Bumperstickers
    [dedicated to the Ballbusters]

    <LI>So many men, so few who can afford me
    <LI>God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends
    <LI>If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going
    <LI>My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
    <LI>Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog
    <LI>Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich
    <LI>Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen
    <LI>If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
    <LI>Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off
    <LI>I'm out of estrogen -- and I have a gun
    <LI>Guys have feelins too. But, like ... who cares?
    <LI>Next mood swing: 6 minutes
    <LI>And your point is ...?
    <LI>Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
    <LI>Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time
    <LI>Do not start with me. You will not win
    <LI>You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up
    <LI>All stressed out and no one to choke
    <LI>I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
    <LI>How can I miss you if you won't go away?
    <LI>Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not
    <LI>If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy
    <LI>Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies</UL>
  19. Kayla

    Kayla Jedi Youngling star 1

    Sep 24, 1999
    A Cyber Megillah

    The Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a bris for my computer, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as: I had to have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games. Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt. The Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels. My PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

    My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus". Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner. I hear Hava Nagila during Startup. Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that.

    When running Scandisk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message. When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!". I saw a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen. Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls.

    I didn't get a mouse... I got a yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm not allowed to touch the Scroll bar. It didn't come with a screen saver, it came with an electronic mehitza, which kicks in whenever I access a feminist Web site.

    When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!". I don't have an Option button; instead, it says "On The Other Hand..." I don't get e-mail ... I get Eh-mail. I get all these letters which when I read them, I go "Eh, who cares? When I press Delete or Trash I get a Dialogue Box which says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So Cancel?".

    When I click on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows. It also came with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically turns the hard drive on after sundown, scans the most recent files slowly and prints out during services. For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied by a Cholent CD-ROM ... that slowly surfs the Internet during Shabbos, amassing an assortment of Web sites which then is in the Browser Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown Saturday. And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to ShutDown, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL.

    Clearly something's going on here. I thought I bought a Mac. I think they gave me a Max.
  20. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    [Dedicated to Andrusys, MacTusken, and all the other PowerPoint devotées out there]

    The incidence of overweight in a selected population
    John Cocker, MB BS et al*


    Objective: To calculate the average weight of a specific population using the most recent census figures, and thereby establish the percentage who are overweight.

    Methodology: Using every one of the existing census returns, the raw weight figures were calculated on a Time Magazine hand-held calculator; this operation was performed three times with different results each time, so an average was taken. This was divided by the total number of people in the population, giving an average weight per person. Next, the number of people over that weight was counted, and the number of people under that weight was calculated. This number turned out by great coincidence to be the same. One person was the exact weight, and it could not be decided where this person fitted.

    Results: The average weight was found to be 145.78233611422 pounds. Further calculations showed that 49.999999999% were over this weight, while 49.999999999% were under. A total of 0.000000001% were the average weight.

    Validation: These figures were then subjected to the Stitches-Haigh Morton validation procedure (p whatever) by the LUGTRUW (Let Us Get The Results U Want) Institute of Advanced Statistics.

    Disclosure: The researcher is overweight, but has so far failed to get any interested party to pay for the research.

    Mortality: From previous studies, it would seem the death rate of both groups is identical, at, eventually, 100%.

    Summary: Approximately 50% of the target group are overweight, while about 50% are underweight. By using rigid diets, the underweight group could become overweight, while the overweight group could become underweight. This would promote the sale of diet books. The one person who was the exact average weight is considered a statistical anomaly, and therefore not significant.

    *I happen to know that Al did most of the work - Ed.
  21. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    A lawyer was drawing up papers of partnership for two manufacturers. He went over the papers before the final signing, but he found them incomplete: "There is no mention here of fire or bankruptcy. These must go in."

    "Quite right," said the partners as one, "put them in, but the profits are to be divided equally in both cases."
  22. Kayla

    Kayla Jedi Youngling star 1

    Sep 24, 1999
    Clinical descriptions of laughter:
    <LI>The primary component of laughter is an abrupt, strong expiration at the beginning, followed by a series of expiration-inspiration microcycles with interval pauses.

    <LI>The true manifestation is ... the abrupt experiation due to a sudden contraction of the intercostal muscles.

    <LI>A laugh is characterised by a series of short vowel-like notes (syllables), each about 75 milliseconds long.</UL>
    &lt;what? what's so funny? that's what laughter is, clinically. what's so funny about it? - kayla&gt;
  23. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    Two quick husband-wife jokes:
    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>Wife to husband: How can you keep saying I contradict you? I never contradict you!

    <LI>Busy executive on the phone to his wife from the office: Sorry for being in such a hurry this morning -- tell me, who was the gentleman in my bathrobe at the breakfast table?</OL>

    And two true lawyer stories:
    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>In a British court in November 1989, a lawyer suddenly discovered the Christmas boxer shorts he was wearing also had musical qualities when, as he leaned forward to make a point, he accidentally unleashed a stream of "Jingle Bells," "Tannenbaum," and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Although he gamely continued addressing the magistrates, everyone else lacked his self control and the court was eventually forced to take a recess.

    <LI>Then we have the lawyer who, having admitted the witness's credentials as an identification officer, had no real reason to cross-examine the witness -- but decided to have a little fun anyway. Turns out that a few weeks earlier the lawyer had attended an evening of entertainment presented by that police force's male choir, and that in one of the skits the identification officer had worn a wedding dress.

    Came the cross-examination:
    Lawyer: Officer, I understand you're a member of the Ottawa Police Force.
    Witness: Yes sir, I am.
    Lawyer: And either in that capacity, or in any other capacity, have you ever had occasion to wear a dress?
    Witness: Pardon?
    Lawyer: Have you ever had occasion to wear a dress?
    Witness: Yes, sir, I have.
    Lawyer: Okay. I have no further questions.

    The poor witness was not able to explain for several minutes for all the laughter.</OL>
  24. Shar Kida

    Shar Kida Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 28, 1999
    [Since I am going to be away from the Forum for the next week, today's contribution is a bit longer than usual ... but I think it is worth it - SK]

    Top 100 Things I Would Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
    - compiled by Peter Anspach
    <OL TYPE=1>
    <LI>My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

    <LI>My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    <LI>My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    <LI>Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    <LI>The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

    <LI>I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

    <LI>When I have captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I will say, "No," and shoot him. No, on second thought, I will shoot him first, and then say "No."

    <LI>After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

    <LI>I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not be clearly labelled as such.

    <LI>I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum. A small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

    <LI>I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    <LI>One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that the child is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

    <LI>All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

    <LI>The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

    <LI>I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

    <LI>I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there is just one thing I want to know."

    <LI>When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

    <LI>I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

    <LI>I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she would betray her own father.

    <LI>Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it is too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

    <LI>I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.

    <LI>No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

    <LI>I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutrali
  25. Beth Starblade

    Beth Starblade Jedi Youngling

    Sep 24, 1999
    Here's a story I found for all you hard working moms (I hope he hasn't posted this already)


    A few months agoo, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well, rashed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation.

    "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded.

    Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license. Asked by the woman recorder to state he "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

    "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a....?"

    "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

    "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

    I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our town hall. The Clerk was oviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

    "And what is your occupation?" she probed.

    what made me say it, I don't know. The words simply popped out. "I'm...a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

    The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizinf the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronuncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

    "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

    Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole jdarned family) and already have four credits (all daughters).

    Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 more like it). But the job is more challanging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in the satisfaction rather than just money."

    There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

    As I drove in our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants---age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

    I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguishiing and indespensable to humankind than "just another..."

    Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door.
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