Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

Ol'val, Beth Starblade.

Last I remember, I was not a "hard-working mom" -- so I would seem to lack one of the criteria required to post that piece.

I would ask, however: in 10 days absence: only one person posted here? Does anyone derive any amusement whatsoever out of this thread? Or should I just let it sink?


In the days of the Colosseum, Androcles made quite a reputation for his singular success against the lions. Each time, after he whispered a few words in the lion's ear, however vicious the beast, it would demonstrate a complete loss of appetite and slink quietly away, spiritless and defeated. Finally the Emperor's curiosity grew too great, and Androcles was summoned to the royal box to explain.

"It is like this, sire," Androcles began. "I merely tell him, 'As soon as you have finished your dinner, you will be asked to say a few words.' It gets them every time."

 

"New Heimlich Maneuver?"

At a buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help!
Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and
announced that he was quite experienced at
this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, seized the boy's testicles, and squeezed. Out popped the
quarter. The man then went back to his table
as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

 

A guy was enjoying TPM at the theatre until the two girls directly behind him began to talk incessantly. Finally he turns around. "I am sorry," he begins politely, "but I cannot hear a word."

"Listen," answers one of the girls, "what we are talking about is none of your business."

 

Poinb of View or Two Men in a Madhouse

A guide in a certain madhouse was describing two cases to some visiting psychiatrists.

"In this padded cell", he said, "we have a man who went mad when another man married the girl whom he was in love with."

"And in the next cell?" asked a visitor.

"In that one we have the man who actually did 73838
marry the girl."

 

A Forum Poster's Prayer

Oh Lord, make my posts successful enough to be flamed!

But if I cannot have this, let me remain ignorant enough to retain the delights of flaming others!

 

All things come to those who wait ...


The pessimist reminds us that the lily belongs to the onion family, while the optimist reminds us that the onion belongs to the lily family.

 

They tell of the aspiring door-to-door salesman whose standard pitch was as follows:

"Here is just what you have been looking for. It costs only fifty cents and it stops petty annoyance, prevents drafts, and saves time."

At this point the salesman displays a neatly printed sign: No Salesmen Allowed. The vast majority of customers, pleased and amused, tend to take it: at which point the salesman continues, "I am sure you will find it effective -- but before you put it up let me show you this set of Fuller brushes ..."

 

There was a politician in Indiana who was really honest. When he was bought, he stayed bought.

 

If you think one person is unimportant, just try not doing your taxes this year.

 

They tell of the time when Queen Marie visited the United States and asked to meet Dr. Adolpf Meyer, the head psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins at that time. "Dr. Meyer," went the introductions, "I want you to meet the Queen of Romania."

The psychiatrist's professional reply? "How long does she think she has been queen?"

 

Great thread. I'm a long time lurker - now turned Padawan (but at the rate this is going, I'll be Knight in no time). I have one for you:
WWII, Soviet trenches during a Nazi offensive. A panting soldier stumbles into a command bunker and reports:
"Comrade, tanks are coming."
"How far are they?" asks the commander.
"200 meters"
"Easy, easy"
The soldier returns to his post, but after a few minutes he comes back running and reports:
"Comrade, the tanks are coming."
"How far are they?" asks the commander.
"150 meters"
"Stay calm"
The situation repeats itself a few times with the tanks coming closer each time the soldier reports in. Finally the commander orders:
"See that grenade atop that shelf? Take it and destroy the tanks."
The soldier grabs the grenade and runs off. After a few minutes he comes back and reports:
"The tanks are destroyed, comrade."
"Good, good" answers the pleased commander "put the grenade back on the shelf"

 

Ol'val, Go-Get Beer.

Welcome to the Forums!


A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study and began the usual grilling: "So, what are your plans?"

"I am a theology student," replied the young man.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will provide," explained the young man.

"And how will you afford to raise children?"

"God will provide."

Later, after the young man had left, the mother asked her husband how it had gone. "He has no money or employment plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I am God."

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer is riding in the back of his limousine when he sees two men eating grass by the road side. So he orders his driver to stop while he gets out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asks.

"We don't have any money for food," replies one of the men.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" says the lawyer to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" objects the second man, flustered.

"Bring them as well!"

So they all climb into the car: no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the men says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Replies the lawyer: "No problem. The grass at my home is about two feet tall."

 

This one is dedicated to Sabé


Drilling 50 metres deep, German scientists discovered small pieces of copper in core samples taken at several sites in their country. After studying the bits of metal, they announced that 25,000 years ago, ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally the British did not want to be outdone. British scientists dug even deeper and found small pieces of glass. After some study, they announced that 35,000 years ago, ancient Brits had a nationwide fibre-optic network.

French scientists were outraged. They dug 100, 200, 300 metres deep ... and found nothing except dirt and rock.

Finally they announced proudly: 55,000 years ago, the ancient French used cellular phones.

 

Asked why he was over an hour late to his meeting, the Boy Scout explained that he had been helping a little old lady across the street ... but she did not want to go.

 

For preparation for his next week's sermon on lying, the minister asked his congregation to read Mark 17.

Came the next week. The minister asked all those in the congregation who had read the required readings to raise their hands. Every hand in the congregation went up.

Smiling a little, the minister said: "Mark has only 16 chapters. I shall now commence with the sermon on lying."

 

For all the Slackers (and a certain temporary Jedi Master in particular)


Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found a lone teller trying to balance his books. After forcing him to open the vault, they gagged and tied him.

Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the teller making noises through the gag. Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say.

"Take my daily balance sheet too," he gasped. "I am short $700."

 

During their excavation in Egypt American archeologysts(sp?) came across a mummy. They didn't know who this mummy was, although they run every test in the book on it. The Russians offered help and the mummy was shipped to Russia. Two weeks later comes a reply from Russian Science Academy: "This is Ramesses(sp?) V"
"How do you know?" asked the Americans
"He confessed"

 

new vocabulary....


OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators
running.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA - Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order
to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." (a.k.a. being 229'd) *(Syn: decruitment.)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the
Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised
activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate
relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ...friend."

 

Hmmm, okay here goes

A rich, eccentric man hires two bricklayers to build him a house made entirely out of bricks. He wants everything to be built out of bricks, the doors, the ceiling, the toilet, the furniture, all of it. The catch, is two men must use exactly 100,000 bricks, or they don't get paid.

The man gives the bricklayers plans for the house, and tells them he will be back in a month to see his finished house.

The 100,000 bricks get delivered, and the two men start to work. They build, and build, and build, finally, the month is up, and two men are laying the final bricks. The first man, lays down the last brick, and sighs with satisfication. The second man lets out a shriek.

"What's the matter?" says the first man.

The second man replies "We have one EXTRA brick!"

The two men spend the next ten minutes yelling, and blaming each other for the mistake. Finally, the first man says "We have to get rid of this brick, or we won't get paid! The man will be home any minute."

"We could turn the brick into a footrest!" says the second man.

"Nono, that's the stupidest idea ever. We could make the brick into a doorstop!"

"No, he would notice."

Each man suggest an idea, and the other finds fault with it.

Finally the second man says he has an idea "What if we just throw the brick up into the air?"

"Sounds good to me." Says the first man.

So, the second man pulls his arm back, and launches the brick into the air. . . and it doesn't come down.

 

Triplie post

[This message has been edited by Silencer-7 (edited 04-17-2000).]

 

Nate the Snake

One day, George was driving at a maddening pace along the highway, when he ran blew his tire.

He pulls over, and gets of the car. He goes to the trunk, and pulled out the spare, the tire iron, and the jack, and anything else you need to change a tire.

So, George takes off the lugnuts, and the hubcap. He puts the lugnuts in hubcap to keep from losing them.

He jacks up the car, and pulls off the old tire. As he is picking up the tire, it slips from his grip, and drops down on the hubcap, flipping it over, and consequently sending all the lugnuts tumbling down the hillside, and into the rushing river below.

Well, now George was really angry. He was going to be late for his meeting. So, George is there wondering what he is going to do, when all of a sudden, a snake slithers out of the grass, and says "Hey, what's shakin?"

George puts on a look of confusement.

"What's wrong? Ain't you never seen a talking snake?"

"No," replies George.

"Name's Nate, and I can solve that problem there of yours.

"You can?"


"Yeah" says Nate "Take one lugnut from each other other three tires, and then you'll be all set."

George takes the advice, and soon he is on his way. The meeting is a wonderful success. george gets a promotion.

A week later, George is driving along the same highway, when he decides to pay Nate the Snack a visit.

He pulls over, and calls out Nate's name. Soon, Nate appears, and they start talking about the New York Mets, and their favorite cheese, and their favorite color. They spend five hours talking. George leaves feeling great about having made a new friend.

Over the next few months, George begins to spend more and more time with George. He begins to forget about picking up his kids from practice, and doesn't go shopping. His wife becomes increasingly angry with him. They go everywhere, and do everything together. They watch Epiosde I on video, and check out chicks at malls. They are the best of friends.

All the while George is becoming closer and closer with Nate.

One day, while the two are sitting and playing Egyptian Ratscrew, Nate says "Hey, George, I gotta secret I wanna show you."

"Okay, let's go."

"Nate slithers up the embankment and they wait a while till there is a lull in the traffic to cross the highway to the meridian strip.

Nate, tells George to look behing a tuft of grass, right near the edge of the road. George parts the grass, and sees a giant lever.

"That there is the lever which will cause the Armedgeddon." Nate states with a hint of pride in his voice.

'Wow! Why are--"

Nate cuts him off "Why, am I, a snake in charge of the device which can destroy the world?"

"Yeah," George says stupified.

"Well, who would ever suspect a snake?"

"Well--nobody I guess."

"That's why I'm in charge of it. It's very sensitive, so don't touch it. Let's go."

A few days later George is riding along the highway, when his brake pedal gives out. There are cars all along in front of him. George looks left, and sees the tuft of grass concealing the lever. He looks right, and sees Nate the Snake.

What's he gonna do? If he goes left, he risks
destroying the world. if ge goes right, he'll kill Nate.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.

RIGHT!

George rams Nate at fifty miles an hour. Nate's last impression is one of startlement. There are snake guts everywhere. His car breaks through the rail, and lands in a tree.

A while later, paramedics, pull him from the tree. He is dizzy, and he's bleeding. His friend Nate is dead.

George recovers from the accident. He goes into rehab, and starts to learn to walk again. But, always he is thinking about Nate. How he killed him. How Nate trusted him.

He vists Nate's grave, and bakes pies for Nates wife. He hangs out with Nates children. Takes them to play football, and to ride the merry-go-round.

George's wife is upset that he cannot seem to get over his fixation on his deceased friend Nate. George spends more and more time drinking, and watching the lever.

Finally, George's wife leaves him on account that he doesn't spend time with her anymo

 

Slow computer today, or maybe it's just these long posts

[This message has been edited by Silencer-7 (edited 04-17-2000).]

 

An elephant meets a naked man, looks at him and says:
"Man, how can you breathe through such a small trunk?!"

 

Ol'val.

Welcome to this thread, Silencer-7! But oh, Go-Get Beer, that last one was a groaner.


Speeding down a country road, a bus full of politicians swerved into a field and crashed into a tree. The farmer who owned the field went over to investigate. Then he dug a hole and buried all the politicians.

A few days later the sheriff drove by and saw the overturned bus. He knocked on the farmhouse door and asked where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said he had buried them.

"They were all dead?" asked the sheriff.

Replied the farmer: "Well, some of them said they were not, but you know how politicians can lie."