Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

HELPFUL INFORMATION

For those of you who have children, are anticipating children, or have grandchildren, please note the following that a mother in
Austin, Texas learned from her children:

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot
house 4" deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowdedarestaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.

A ceiling fan is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20' by 20' room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

A Lego block will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Earth worms will stick to the drum sides of a hot dryer.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

Ol'val.

That last one evoked some interesting memories, RC ...


As the jetliner was taxiing down the tarmac, it abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting over an hour, it finally took off. When a concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened, she answered that the pilot had been bothered by a noise he heard in the engine. "It took us an hour to find another pilot."

 

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland.
Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

 

Easter humor

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy,"
says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy quite miserable and perhaps feeling rebellious, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of theoffice. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says,
"Pardon me. I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

 

great thread

upperz

 

To the humourous Shar Kida

A man has been left alone in a hospital room for the past three hours. Finally the mans' patience is rewarded with a key locking the door. The man asks:
"What's wrong?"
"Mr Smith, we're sorry for the delay, but it took us a while to figure out what was wrong with you."
And what is wrong with me?"
"You have E.D.K.T.M."
Smith paused. "What's that?"
"Every Disease Known To Man."
Mr Smith was shocked to say the least.
"W-w-w-w-w-what can be done about that?"
"Well we're starting you on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"How the hell can that save me?"
"It can't, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."

 

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK....She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER....She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY....She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT....She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB....She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND....She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED....She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY....She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY....She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD....She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY....She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not *****....She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS....She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU....She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS....She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

How to speak about men and be politically correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT....He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER....He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME....He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING....He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER....He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENT
RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK....He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL *** ....He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.>>He is not a SEX MACHINE....He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG....He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT....He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES....He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

 

A TRUE STORY: This guy goes into a bank and hands the teller a note demanding cash. She complies and hands over what she's got in her drawer, he grabs the money and runs out.
Only problem is the note he gave her was written on his own personal stationary including his name, adress, and phone number.
The cops were waiting for him at his house a half mile away.
THE PERFECT CRIME!

 

Another true story:
A guy walks into the bank and pushes a previously written note to the teller, which says:"This is a stick-up, I've got a gun. Put all the money in a paper bag."
The teller writes something on a piece of paper and pushes it back at the robber. The note says:"I don't have a paper bag." The robber gets frustrated and leaves the bank.

 

Ol'val.

Thanks for the contributions! Forgive the delays in keeping up with this thread, please, as there may yet be a few more ...


[For MacTusken]

They tell of the young Scotsman who left home and moved into his own flat. After a few weeks his mother phones to find out how he is doing. "What are your neighbours like?" she asks.

"Well, they are a bit strange, actually," says the young man. "On one side there is a man who keeps banging his head against the wall, and on the other side there is a woman who just cries and moans."

"I would just keep to myself if I were you," advises his mam.

"Och, I do," replies the son. "I just stay in my room all day and play my bagpipes."

 

I just got my hands on What Counts: The Complete Harper's Index and the world is seriously ****ed up.

• 
  <LI>Percentage of runners that think about $ex while running-66
  <LI>Average amount of toilet paper used each day by the pentagon, in rolls-666
  <LI>Amount the National Tobacco Institute donated to underwrite the anti-drug booklet Helping Youth Say No-$70,000
  <LI>Reported cases of people getting bitten by rats in NYC in 1989-240
  <LI>Reported cases of people getting bitten by other people-1,446

 

List of REALLY SHORT BOOKS

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson
24. THE CATHOLIC GUIDE TO GREAT SEX
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest Book -

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independance, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
--National Review, Oct. 24, 1994

People that are really wierd can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
--V.P. Dan Quayle

If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
--Sears, Roebuck and Co. Consumers Guide 1897

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9mm bullet.
--Dave Barry

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
--An English Professor at Ohio University


-----
Missa

have a nice day

 

This patient goes to the doctor to get a prescription, which the doctor writes out in the usual illegible handwriting. Seems the patient, having put it into his pocket, forgot to have it filled.

Every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railway pass. Twice it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, once into the symphony. At work he got a raise by showing it as a note from his boss.

One day he misplaced it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to the Faculty of Music.


[and some more definitions ...]

Procrastinator: Someone who puts off till tomorrow the things already put off till today.

Fame: When you dominate the conversation and you are not there.

Adult Education: Something that will continue as long as kids have homework.

Spongecake: Dessert made of ingredients borrowed from the neighbours.

Narcissist: A person who is always getting themselves esteemed up.

Vacation: Spending thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

Mother: Someone who thinks the girls who go after her son are forward and the ones who do not are stupid.

Bachelor: A person who does not have to leave a party just as he is beginning to have a good time.

Truth: It may be stranger than fiction, but is certainly not as popular.

 

[From J Scott Homan]

I have been trying to get into shape. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.


[From The Wall Street Journal]

I'm writing this letter,
Quite frankly, to say
I abhorred the column
You wrote yesterday!
It was weak and insipid
And words synonymous --
In short, it lacked courage!
Yours truly, Anonymous.

 

Early to bed and early to rise and you will make your neighbours suspicious.

The shortest distance between two points is rarely found in speeches.

Where there is a will, there are relatives. Where there is no will, there are even more.

 

A flight instructor tells of the student of his who was having real trouble landing the plane, and specifically judging how close he should be to the ground before pulling up the nose of the aircraft.

Strangely enough, during the first night lesson, the student landed perfectly. Each time, just as the flight instructor thought he would have to take over, the student would pull back on the stick and make a beautiful landing.

Curious, the instructor finally asked what visual reference the student was using. Explained the student: "I just aim straight for the end-of-the-runway lights. Then I wait. When you stiffen in your seat, I pull the plane up and land."

 

I cannot remember who said this, but...

"Stand on any street corner. Close your eyes and reach out your hand. You are sure to touch a schmuck."

And if that doesn't catch your fancy, how about teaching your favorite Jedi or X-Wing pilot the ancient art of naked hula dancing?

 

In a contest sponsored by New York Magazine, readers came up with some letters one would just as soon not receive ...


Dear Joan:
You once asked me what you could do to help ...

Dear Dad:
First, I want to emphasise that no one in either car was hurt.

... So why, you wonder, a letter after all these years? Well, I am writing my autobiography, and I am just at the part concerning our affair ...

Dear Irving:
Remember the old vase my Aunt Julia left me that you broke at my party? You wanted to reimburse me, and I said, "How about a couple of hundred bucks?" But you thought that was too much and insisted I get an appraisal. Well, I hope you are sitting down, because the museum's curator of 12th century art ...

Dear Thelma:
I have decided to write this because I have always respected you and have always believed that you would expect nothing less from me than complete honesty ...

Dear Mr. Cohn:
In response to your letter concerning pension cheques not received by you, our records indicate that you are deceased ...

 

Will do this in two parts ... until we figure out which thread is to remain active.


They Said It, Part I: That's Entertainment
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchs also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Mat Lauer, NBC's Today Show
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Q: If you could live forever, would you?
A: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, becaue, if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama 1994
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks

 

Compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:

<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>Jesus had to feed a crowd, at a moment's notice, when there was no food.

<LI>Jesus kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just did not get it.

<LI>Even after Jesus was dead, Jesus had to get up because there was more work to be done.</OL>

 

CEO to employee: It is a purely business decision, Harris. I hope my firing you will not affect our marriage in any way.

 

A millionaire goes to a hospital to hand out large sums of money to certain patents. A nurse shows him around.
Lord Riche: And what's wrong with you?
Patent 1: I need a new kidney.
Lord Riche writes out a million dollar cheque.
Lord Riche: And what's wrong with you?
Patent 2: I need a new lung.
Riche writes another cheque out for a million.
Nurse: There's one more patent that we would like you to see.
The nurse takes him to a single room, far from the other patents.
Lord Riche: Well?
Nurse: He's on the pillow.
Lord Riche goes to the bed. There on the pillow lies a single small white tooth.
Lord Riche is appalled.
Lord Riche: Is that... I mean... that's all that's left of him?
Nurse: Yes. And it gets worse.
Lord Riche: Worse! He's just a tooth. How could it get any worse for him.
Nurse: He needs to be taken out tomorrow.

 

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