Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

For the Slackers


Prison vs Work

In Prison ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work ... you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In prison ... you get three meals a day (free).
At work ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

In prison ... you get time off for good behaviour.
At work ... you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison ... a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
At work ... you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison ... you can watch television and play games.
At work ... you can get fired for watching television and playing games.

In prison ... you get your own toilet.
At work ... you have to share.

In prison ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work ... you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison ... all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
At work ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison ... you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

 

Okay, so a man and a woman are sitting next to each other on a private jet.

The man is puffing on this gargantuan cigar. Big black clouds of smoke are billowing around the passenger compartment.

The woman has this small poodle on her lap, which is yipping away. Every time the dog yips, the man shudders.

The woman, is coughing and coughing, and giving the man the evil eye.

The man is staring at the dog, and thinking evil thoughts.

Finally with frustration, the man grabs the dog, opens the window, and tosses the dog out the window. The dog dissapears in the wind.

The woman shrieks in horror "What the hell did you do that for?"

"I couldn't stand that awful noise your dog was making. I had to do SOMETHING."

The woman grabs the man's cigar and tosses it out the window.

The man growls "DAMN! Why did you do that?"

"Your cigar was making me cough. I just had to get rid of it."

The man and the woman settle down. A few hours later, the man glances out the window, and he sees the woman's dog sitting on the wing of the plane. The man stares at the dog, and asks to the woman "What in the hell is in that dog's mouth?!"

Well? What was in the dog's mouth?

(and if you HAVE heard this joke, lemme give the punchline)

 

Chicken Soup for the Alcoholic in all of Us:
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
_____

The problem with some people is that when they aren't
drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
_____

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to
spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That
will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
_____

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
_____

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of
alcohol.
--Anonymous
_____

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my
lunch?
--W.C. Fields
_____

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading.
--Henny Youngman
_____

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so
get wasted all of the time and have the time of your
life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa
_____

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a
frontal lobotomy
--Tom Waits
_____

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
_____

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we
fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's
all get drunk and go to heaven!
--Brian O'Rourke
_____

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a
football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the
very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
_____

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
_____

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
_____

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes the beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thoughts, Jack Handy
_____

Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
_____


The problem with the world is that
everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
_____

Why is American beer served cold? So you can
distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton
_____

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
_____

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of
sweet, tasty beer.
--Homer Simpson
_____

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
_____

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to
killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

 

THE BRICK

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

 

Doesn't anybody get it?

 

guess not

 

http://www.8op.com/aplus23/abrain.gif

 

Ol'val.

Behind ... again. Here is the start of catching up.


A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord: "Lord, You keep hinting to me that You are about to answer my prayers. That is what I am asking You for right now. Please acknowledge my prayer by giving me a confirmation that You are listening to me.

Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him: "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank prayer request it was to Solomon. He did not disappoint me. I think I can trust that you will not disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one blessing you ask.

The man sat and thought about it. After a while he said: "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am deathly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could You build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"

The Lord laughed and said: "That is impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your craving for wordly things. Take a little more time and think of another blessing, a blessing you think would honour and glorify Me as well."

The man thought, and thought, and tried to come up with a really good blessing. Finally he said: "Lord, my wife always tells me that I do not care and that I am insensitive. So I pray that I could understand women ... I want to know how she feels inside and what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment ... I want to know why she is always crying ... I want to know what she really means when she says nothing ... I want to know how to make her truly happy. That is the blessing that I want, Lord."

A few moments. Then: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom


I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day ... tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he is not there the first time, chances are you will not be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

My reality cheque bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

 

This definately falls into the humorous observation category:
While on my way to work today I realized one weird thing about the next Polish presidential election. The campaign starts now and one of the candidates, the leader of 'Solidarnosc' (the workers' union, which became a party, what a ridiculous idea), is called Marian Krzaklewski (MARR-yan kshak-LEV-sky). A lot of people in Poland shorten his name in casual conversation to just the first syllable (Krzak). This has become his unofficial nickname. When someone talks politics and mentions 'Krzak' everyone knows he means that guy. And now the funny part: 'krzak' is Polish for 'bush'. Kind of gets you thinking, doesn't it?

 

Dilbert's Laws:
[for all those American JC'ers who are at work today ...]


A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable -- if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human. To forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it is not the work s/he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who should not.

If it was not for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.
Corollory: Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

[and a special dedication to Fathead ...]
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

 

How the media would cover the Apocalypse.


USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS.

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN?

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE.

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE.

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER.

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING.

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR.

Readers Digest: 'BYE.

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE.

Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture, =download software patch RAPT777.EXE.

 

These are excerpted from the SF Gate Morning Fix email: Dated yesterday.

Crispy Chemical Kabobs
McDonald's launches a rotating menu of new quasi-food items to boost
sales, including the Sausage Breakfast Burrito, BBQ Bacon Crispy
Chicken sandwich, Crispy Chicken McClub, Mighty Wings, Bacon Egg
and Cheese Bagel, Arctic Orange Shake, Mysterious McRoadkill Wraps,
Toxic McCarcinogens, Double McLard Sandwich, Cholesterol McBombs,
and Cheese-Filled McGarbage Pie.

Teetering Into Tragedy
A woman whose car killed a junior high student after her 6" platform
shoes -- all the rage among Japanese youth -- kept her from braking in
time is being sued by the victim's parents.

500 Megs Of Bad Acting
Mirimax will begin an experiment that will make full-length features
available for downloading over the Internet for a one-time, $3.95 viewing
license, beginning with the 1999 bomb "Guinevere," starring Sarah Polley
and Stephen Rea, which exactly 18 people saw in the first place and
every single one of them except a sad divorcee from Florida really really
hated it.



Oh, and **UPPERS**

 

Odd this thread.

When we changed to snowboard, most posts lost some posts to them. This one didn't.

Where's version two of this thread that Kids made?

 

DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS. LOL! Can I add that to my sig?

Anyway: Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

 

It's still here!? Ace!!!!

 

And here still.

 

These are legitimate statements made by those involved in car accidents:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way.

A van backed through my windscreen and into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went undewr my car.

He was all over the road, and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to go so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was the little chap in a small car with a moustache.

The telephone pole was approaching fast and I was attempting to swereve out of its path when it struck my front.

 

I'm glad this is here. I really miss it.

 

Might miss it more if it gets locked and deleted.

 

Links to later versions, since Shar Kida suggested it:

v 2.0
v 3.0
v 4.0

 

up

 

A charming thread with an expansive history, it seems.

A thousand sunsets for posting a link to The Virtual Community, Val (Neuville ).

 

OMG

someone dug up this old fossil.

 

For FreeBeer.com, courtesy of Charles Baudelaire:

One must always be drunk. That's it; the only question. So as not to feel the hideous weight of Time breaking your shoulders and bowing you to the earth, one must be drunk without rest.
On what? On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you please. But get drunk.
And if sometimes, on the steps of the palace, on the green grass of a ditch, in the gloomy solitude of your room, you wake--your drunkenness already ebbing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star; the bird, the clock, ask everything that sings, everything that speaks, ask what time it is; and the wind, wave, star, bird, clock will tell you, "It's time to get drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, get drunk; get drunk without ceasing! On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you choose."
_______________________________________

Don't hum your life away,
Sing.