JCC Embrace The FU - Formerly the STAR WARS IS BAD thread

I think 90 seconds of exposition about how the Republic has now been destroyed and the Resistance is all that remains of the ideals it stood for and is all that stands between various planets where people live and Not The Empire, because that wasn't necessarily clear from The Force Awakens.

 

Excellent, because there's a theater attached to a Cheesecake Factory in my neck of the woods!

 

yes perfect! if we get caught we'll just say it's part of my "homeless jedi" costume.

 

- Luke and Ren training
- Voiceover of Luke: we have to prepare...

- Shots of a fight between Luke, Rey, and the Knights of Ren
- Voiceover of Luke: ...for the ultimate fight...

- Shots of Snoke, Kylo Ren, Hux, TIEs, X-Wings, A-Wings and B-Wings
- Voiceover of Luke: because we...

- Shot of Luke and Rey looking into the distance
- Voiceover of Luke: ...are the last Jedi.

- Title card

 

*shot of hooded person walking around a desert*

Voiceover: In a world where hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, one man dares to defy this first order-

*hood is lowered from person, revealing him to be-*

VO: Steven Seagal is...The Last Jedi

SS to Rey: I didn't want to resort to the dark side...I didn't have a choice.

 

^ You had me at "In a world."

 

savage

 

Crappy fanfic

 

But enough about TFA. That Greg Keyes NJO novel was pretty awful too.

 

They're all awful. Just like the source material.

 

Bold prediction

 

Wren, Sabine
Ren, Kylo
En, Rii'ke
N-1 Starfighter

It all makes sense now.

 

Its very hard not to make fun of some people, who think reading "Chewbacca roars" as part of the Ep. 8 reveals from the shareholders meeting is a spoiler.

 

Oh, man, you just spoiled that Chewie doesn't get laryngitis! The whole movie is ruined for me!

 

It's going to be a series of parallel cuts between Kylo Ren and Rey, both training. It ends this way.

*Fade in to Kylo Ren bowing, breathing heavily and looking upset*
Snoke: You are not the first to struggle in walking this path
Kylo Ren: Master?
Snoke: Did Skywalker ever tell you about Yoda's last commandment?

***

Rey: I don't understand
Luke: *ignites saber* You're about to become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

Ideally the glow of the saber should cast a sinister light on his face before the everything fades to black. Then the title "THE LAST JEDI" rolls up.

 

This is easily the best thing you've ever posted.

 

Finn: Uh, everything's under control. Situation normal.
Voice: What happened?
Finn: Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?
Voice: We're sending a squad up.
Finn: Uh, uh... negative, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous.
Voice: Who is this? What's your operating number?
Finn: FN-2187
Voice: TRAITOR!
Finn: General Leia!!! We're going to have company!!!

 

Finally saw last night's Rebels

Spoiler

 

Okay I think I figured episode 8 out. Cause I read that passage in one of the NJO books and laughed at it knowing what happens way on down the line. Then I remembered the supposed grave at the end of TFA. And its like yo, I bet the whole EU erasure was a huge misdirect, and they're actually giving it the Looper treatment. Which totally makes sense considering who's directing it.

So I'm thinkin that maybe Luke takes Rey's proffer of his old lightsaber. Then he's like WAIT A SEC. I bet instead of fighting for diminishing returns.can totally go back in time and save Mara from ever dying. Its probable she was killed by Snoke. And like maybe her death precipitated Ben's fall to the dark side, you know? And so saving Mara means killing Snoke, so Luke intends to do just that.

So i think he's probably gonna use a hybrid pf technology and the force to travel back in time. And thats where its gonna go wrong. He does ths thing, but it short circuits. He completes the jump, but in the process becoming strange and Voldemort-y. That scenes totally gonna make it worth the imax ticket. I'm thinkin its gonna look like Greg Kinnear when he's strapped to that chair in Mystery Men.

And in the process of all this, I be its HIM that kills Mara. By accident of course, but done's done, you know? And that drives him over the edge. He decides fate is suckers game, and he breaks bad. Turns Ben dark and rustles up some turmoil. Which, of course, destroys the timeline he came from.

Oops. Definitely have to wonder what kind of crazy **** they're gonna have in 9. Like I don't know how you create a story to tie all of this together.

 

Of course. They're going to do away with the timeline of an extremely succesful movie and incoherently replace it with the timeline of a discarded series of awful books that hardly anybody read. Makes sense
.

 

TBF plenty of people read the New Jedi Order. It's that they stopped reading SW books after it because it was so crap.

 

Check this out:
http://eleven-thirtyeight.com/2013/07/author-universes-sales-and-mini-eras-the-end-of-the-line/
Seems to prove you right, although I don't think 100,000 is "plenty of people" when compared to the number of TFA moviegoers (100 million?).

 

And yet, you're bound to found more than a few internet keyboard or youtubing warriors out there still so butthurt over that loss, regardless of the fact that 99% of the stuff they cherish was garbage.

Seriously, lel and lol at them.

 

None of this is possible. As I already hinted in my preview, Yoda is Snoke.

The key is that Qui-Gonn's technique for Force Ghosts only works if the Jedi dies a violent death. On this revelation, the Jedi religion becomes a literal death cult. The massacre of Luke's trainees were an attempt to create more. When that failed, Yoda turned to the First Order. His goal here is two-fold. First, he will restore the role of Force users in government after being marginalized in the New Republic. In the second, the massive causalities their tactics engender would increase the chance that a powerful Force sensitive might be incidentally killed and create more Force ghosts.

 

Could be worse. They could've all been written by Dan Brown.