JCC Domestic Abuse / Child Custody

I try not to post serious threads here anymore, but I feel the need to at least bounce some serious thoughts around concerning what might become a very unexpected and very big upcoming situation in my life.

My fiancee has always been an aggressive person. While I usually enjoy her "badass" nature, I don't particular like it when it's directed at me...and when it becomes domestic abuse.

In our 3 years or so together, she's been violent with me at least around three times, and has shown some sign of mental instability (huge temper tantrums, bursts of violent rage). She's hit me a few times during our relationship out of rage (hard strikes meant to inflict harm) and eventually things would calm down and I would forgive the incident.

I had spoken with her mom about this a year or so back, and her mom agreed that she has issues. I had asked her to seek therapy, but the thought repulses her to the point of starting another rage-fit. So the issue was neatly tucked under the rug...until last night.

We only have Wednesdays off together, so that's usually our fun day. We had fun last Wednesday until she wanted to watch American Idol and some MTV garbage (I don't like reality TV and she knows this--and she seldom puts up with watching my shows like BSG or Game of Thrones). So, just like last week, I had suggested we do something we both like (a kinect game, or look for something else on--the DVR was recording Idol, so she could've watched it on another day).

When she refused this, I went along with it and put up with 45 minutes before I told her I couldn't anymore. So I asked if we can do something else. She insisted that it's almost over. I asked if she'd mind if I just go into the bedroom and fire up the Xbox until Idol's over. She insisted that she wanted me to stay in the living room with her.

I put up with another 5 minutes before saying that she always forces me to watch her shows without ever showing interest in mine.

Anyway, Idol finished and she walked away to the kitchen and her laptop, ignoring South Park (a show we both watch). I got annoyed and came into the room and turned on Mass Effect 3 for lack of better options.

She then texted me that she was leaving. She got in her car and took off. I assumed she would just cool off or whatever. But she came back within 2 minutes and demanded that I leave. I told her no and she started accusing me of being a child (screaming it).

I told her playing Xbox wasn't childish, what was childish was not wanting to compromise and expecting me to watch reality TV every week when she knows I can't stand it. She insisted she was being the only grown-up and that I was being childish anyway and demanded that I leave.

When I said no again, she got violent (first time in 2012, third or fourth time all together). She threw a lamp at my feet (shattering it), she grabbed one of my dumbbells and came at me, like she wanted to hit me in the face with it.

She ended up dropping the dumbbell and decided on fists instead, again with accusations of being a child. I told her that I'm the only one not resorting to violence here and that violence seems like the childish response, which invited more violence.

She then told me that that she's taking our daughter down to Miami right then and there to stay with her mom.

I told her she wasn't driving anywhere with our daughter in this state. Then she snarled at me to leave or she'd take the baby. I told her that the shattered lamp was a sign that she's unstable and needs therapy...which she took to mean that I would use it against her.

So she hurried back to the bedroom and cleaned up the lamp and tossed the remains into a bag, which I took from her (thinking that maybe I did need this as evidence of instability). She fought me for the bag, clawed at my throat, continued punching, etc, etc, until she finally broke down into sobs.

Feeling bad, I went and just tossed the lamp in the trash. Our baby started crying from her room so I made to go take care of her, but my fiancee got in my way and told me that I'll never touch our daughter again and that my family will never see her again. I said that this wasn't exactly grown-up behavior and that our daughter shouldn't be around violent rage, that what she just did was domestic abuse.

She woudn't let me touch the baby and dared me to call the cops (I didn't know that she had actually taken and hidden my phone by this time). She said that if I call the cops, she'll say that I broke the lamp and that I had flipped out and hit her (she has a bruise on her leg from where she walked into the bed frame several days ago). I told her that I'm the only one being honest here, and she returned with, "Then let's see how far honesty gets you."

After all that, our daughter calmed her down with her oblivious dancing/bouncing and everyone fell asleep. My fiancee left for work already (I don't work till later), and I'm considering not letting this incident slide again.

So I'm trying to set up a consultation with a custody lawyer...

1) You need to stop with the empty threats (telling her that the lamp is evidence, etc). Those will get you nowhere. If she gets violent, call the police - don't give her notice that you're calling the police - just do it.

2) If you separate, you most certainly need to get a lawyer. She will not be allowed to take your child away from her family. Your daughter has every right to be loved by you and your family. Get all of this on paper and set up by the court, that way your parenting time and your child's structure doesn't depend on her mood.

3) SMH at fighting over TV and video games like a couple of punk ass kids - you're both childish. You have a daughter - grow the **** up.

4) If you divorce, it's going to be waaaaaaaay expensive - prepare yourself to lose the lavish lifestyle you have charged - there's a one bedroom apartment and ramen noodles in your future.

5) Instead of pointing fingers and telling her that she needs therapy, consider doing some marriage counseling together. If you do separate, I highly suggest taking some co-parenting classes together. Even though your marriage will be over, the two of you will be co-parenting this child for, at least, the next eighteen years. You need to be able to function as parents, even if you are separated.

As a friend, I'm gonna have to be as blunt and honest as possible: your taste in women was your undoing here. If you knew way back when she had issues -- considerable issues from the looks of it -- you should have NEVER had considered a serious relationship with her, let alone to the point of knocking her up and investing so much in a home and stuff beyond your means just to try living the married life with a person that is not and has never been in synch with you. I saw my younger brother make a similar mistake and at this point I'll have to say he's screwed for life. In your case, it's not too late, but it's gonna be expensive as hell.

Yeah, I'm afraid you'll have to consult a lawyer and fast. Maybe even try to consult with friends and acquaintances that can serve as character witness both in regards to yourself and her violent behavior. I wish I could say you're lucky you hadn't marry her but I suspect if it comes down to dividing assets and liabilities you had acquired in the last three years...well, this is gonna be a nightmare. But I don't think you have a choice here: you have a daughter and her mother is unstable. No good will come in trying to resume the relationship and you'll have to do everything in your power to gain custody of her.

I agree the situation won't simply sort itself out, but I think if you start lawyering up you are forcing her to do the same, and she is understandably scared of having her child taken away from her. If you go the legal route now, things are obviously going to get very hostile and your child is going to get caught in the middle of a custody battle. It sounds to me like neither of you are very good at standing down. I would consider suggesting to your fiancee that you both go to some sort of relationship councilor - someone who is neutral and can give an unbiased view on the situation.

I find this an awkward situation to comment on because I think if you were a woman having this sort of problem with your husband I'd tell you to ditch him immediately and go see a lawyer. As it is, I doubt that you are in any immediate serious physical danger, though I understand your concern for your child's welfare, and your worries that your wife may well take legal action against you using spurious accusations. Certainly though I'd consider documenting any physical abuse in a diary, just in case.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

The best advice you'll get here is this: Seek professional help.

This is an internet star wars forum. No one here knows enough to help you. That girl is obviously screwed up, and you obviously have no idea how pull your relationship together - this is made clear by the fact that you're using this message board as an outlet instead of taking action.

HOP TO IT.

I agree about documenting the physical abuse whenever possible. Even if she doesn't leave a mark, you want to be able to go into court and give specifics about what happened and when. Transcribe this post to a journal and keep it somewhere she won't find it, if that's possible. If you remember the dates or talked to anyone in writing about the previous incidents, put those down there too. Your lawyer will have a better idea of how this will affect you personally, but in some places it's nearly impossible for a father to get custody, even when the mother is clearly the worse option - you want as much evidence as possible, especially if you think she's going to harm your daughter.

When she got upset about therapy did you suggest therapy for just her or for both of you? If you haven't talked about pre-marriage counseling yet, that might be another way to get her talking to a counselor. It might seem more natural and be easier to convince her to go to someone if you approach it as something to do to together to get prepared for marriage (whether or not you still plan on marrying her).

AMEN.

That goes for all points, but especially #3

Yeah, that's the thing, they're both too damn young still. But that's today's youth for you. But then I sometimes spend too much time around the house not doing anything productive and if my wife brings me to task about something that needs to be done or simply wants me to spend quality time with her because I'd rather be with one gadget or another, yeah, I better hop to it. There's no sense in starting a fight or argument over stuff that can be avoided while in a relationship.

Falcon, while I get that your experiences have obviously had an impact on your life, projecting that on to Valyn will not help him. He needs to focus on his situation. I know that your heart is in the right place, but Valyn needs to take steps to remedy his situation. Telling your horror stories will probably help you, but they will do nothing for Valyn. I do not mean to belittle or disregard your experiences. It sounds like Valyn's story has triggered painful memories for you. Do your best to keep in mind that this situation is entirely separate from yours. If you want to be a friend / reach out to him, the best thing you can do is let him talk about his experience and leave yours out of it. Have you ever gone into counseling to talk about your experiences? If not, you may benefit from it (again, I hope you are not taking this the wrong way, I do not mean to offend here).

Call the damn cops.

Other than offer up a handful of personal anecdotes that would probably be useless and irrelevant, I'll second Piltdown's
suggestion that you seek out professional help.

Please.

The like feature on this board obviates the need for QFT replies, but I feel the need to make one anyway. Everything Kristie says is spot-on, especially #5.

I'm sorry you're going through this situation, for what it's worth. Hopefully your kid can be insulated from it as much as possible, or else it'll be very damaging for her as well.

Honestly, I didn't think it was childish to suggest that I do my own thing until Idol was over. But anyway, thank you all for your input.

I have suggested couples therapy in the past but she angrily declined.

I have made an appointment with an attorney

Since it has been proven that watching TV is not a good use of your one night together, how about trying something different? Record the shows that you want to watch on Wednesdays, and watch them by yourselves at another time, and find something different that you both can agree on and enjoy on Wednesdays, instead.

Edit: I just saw that you have made an appointment with an attorney. It sounds like you are finished with this relationship, I guess. Since you are taking this route, I highly suggest not posting about this anymore. Discussing legalities on the internet can have disastrous results. All of this is traceable, and you do not want to discuss legal details / matters online.

I hesitate to comment, as this is probably the least important part of the whole thread. For what it's worth, though, I would characterize occasional differences of opinion about the amount and content of mutual activities to be a pretty common point for disagreement among couples. That the specific mutual activities they prefer are video games and television shows just speaks to their preferences for leisure activities, and really isn't a point of criticism either way (or if so, at least criticism more appropriate for threads like 'I Can't Believe You Like Big Bang Theory'). The controlling point here would seem to be how a normal argument--of any topic--spun so wildly out of control.

To Valyn, my condolences to you and your family as you go through this difficult time.

Agreed on this as well: Stop discussing this stuff here or elsewhere online. If you have to discuss it with someone, talk to your immediate family and closest IRL friends. You're making a huge (and risky) decision here. Make sure you don't take another step forward without making sure first on the right course to follow.

But for what it's worth, I'm sincerely sorry you're going through this.